Category Archives: Love

The unrealistic realism of Christmas movies

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I think there is a reason we are attracted to these sappy Christmas movies. They are full of goodness, happiness, and love. It wasn’t until I was talking with my friend who shares the same unhealthy movie obsession as I do that I realized how unrealistic they appear to be. I mean who meets, falls in love, and gets married all in the same month?! But you get caught up in it and don’t realize it’s crazy because so much of the story makes sense. So here’s six lessons I’ve learned from these time stealers.

1. Be with someone who brings out the best in you

Oftentimes in these movies, the girl or guy is already in a relationship. They are good relationships. Comfortable relationships. Good partnerships. Relationships that make sense on paper. But then they meet someone who makes them feel alive. Something more. Being around this new guy or girl has a way of bringing out the best in them. Loving life. Being a better person. Doing what they love. Wait for this.

2. Be with someone who falls in love with who you are, not what you are

I always love when you start to see the guy fall for the girl but then it is solidified when the girl shows up to some event dressed up. The guy is just in awe as she lights up the room. Nothing else matters. She’s stunning not necessarily because of her looks but because it finally hits him that all of these feelings he’s been having for her are something more than a friendship. It wasn’t the looks that attracted him to her, but her looks are now a bonus. Wait for this.

3. There has to be something more important than the relationship

What I love about these movies is that love has a way of finding them rather than the person out on the hunt looking for it. Or they are looking for it, but it ends up being someone completely different. The point being, they are able to be their true selves around this person because they aren’t all caught up with thinking this might be “the one.” They are focusing on making a difference, helping their family, or pursuing their dreams. They are willing to sacrifice their own happiness for something greater. God can only fill that hole and these people are already whole. The new relationship complements their life rather than completing it. Wait for this.

4. Notice the little things

Everything starts to remind him of this girl. The way she is making him feel alive again- bringing out the best in him. The guy could be in a bad mood and all upset but she always makes him feel better. She makes him laugh. He makes her feel like she can do anything. They remember little things about each other. They care. And it shows in their actions. Wait for this.

5. You might have to fight for love

 There always seems to be something (or someone) that almost ruins this new love. An old flame. Miscommunication. Jealousy. It’s so easy for us to just want to give up sometimes. To think it may have just been too good to be true. We tend to want easy. As if easy equates to perfect. But it doesn’t have to be easy for it to be right. Talk. Clarify. Engage. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve let my head wander because someone didn’t text back. Because someone was going away for the weekend. It’s almost like we are scared to send a double text. We are scared to be the one who cares more. But the right one is worth fighting for. Wait for this.

6. When you know, you’ll know

“How did you know Claire was the right one?” “I just knew. And you already know.” I remember this quote from one of the ones that had me crying the whole time. It was a young man torn between his childhood sweetheart who was the only girl he’d known and this new girl he met that made him feel alive. One was safe. The other was unknown. But she was worth the risk. He knew he loved her and loved who he was around her. He loved the type of person she was. Just like something in us already knows someone isn’t right for us but we try to make it work anyway, I think something in us will know when we’ve met the right one. Wait for this.

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Single but not alone

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I’ve been wanting to write this post for awhile now but life has a way of creeping in and stealing ALL my motivation. However, I think this weekend is the perfect time to get these feelings out. Around this same time last year, I wrote a post entitled “4 months, 4 holidays, 4 ever alone” It’s funny how things can change over the course of a year. I remember thinking last year how crappy it is to be alone during four of my favorite holidays, two of which are very romantic, in my opinion. I was also sick last year during Thanksgiving so it’s possible that contributed to my sulking, as well:p.

I feel like God has been ridding me of anyone and anything lately. I’m not the type of girl who always has to be in a relationship but I am the type who always has to have a potential. A prospect. Someone that could be “the one.” This year is different though. I wish I could put into words how I feel. For the first time, in a long time, there is no one. And it’s a strange feeling. I keep getting these reminders, these quotes, these scriptures. Reminders there is something bigger than my future husband. It seems so silly when you write it or say it out loud. But isn’t that how we live? Pinterest boards. “Dear future husband” letters. Going out. Staying in. Dating sites. If we were honest with ourselves, if we took a good long look at our lives, I think we’d be surprised how much of our time, how much of our lives are centered around a person we have yet to meet.

It’s funny how we hold onto to the hope of at least one. Because then our hope is justified. At least there is a possibility. I’ve lived a majority of my life like that. “Well, if it really comes down to it, I could always marry <insert name-of-guy-who-has-been-friend-zoned here>.” Why do we do that? Because the unknown is terrifying. We like to plan, we want to feel we are in control of our lives. So we make up stories in our heads to comfort ourselves. Sounds crazy when you write it down but it’s scary how true it is.

But this year, I have no one. No one as a back-up. No guy I could make it work with. No guy worth settling for. I’ve let go of them all. I don’t think my circumstances have changed too much. I think I’m just better at accepting reality. Actually not just accepting but embracing reality. Coming to terms with what I really want and desire most. I’ve seen a lot of relationships and marriages that have made me appreciate my singleness more. I think all too often we take our singleness for granted, as if its sole goal is to search for someone. But this time has allowed me to grow closer in my relationship with God. I’m reminded of when Paul is talking to the Corinthians about having an undivided heart. And I now understand. There is such a peace and freedom just in having Christ. I never feel “alone.” God’s love has filled me in ways I can’t begin to describe.

Sometimes I miss the good morning and good night texts. I miss knowing there is a guy thinking about me. I miss not having a date to certain functions. Instead I get awkward conversations. I’ve gotten everything from the “don’t worry, he’s out there” to “enjoy it” with the look of ‘I’m miserable in my marriage so please enjoy your singleness for the both of us.’ So many people say singleness is a gift but it doesn’t feel that way when you desire to be loved and have kids. I know it’s hard at times. And sometimes you start to lose faith, start to lose hope because you can’t see. You can’t see your future with anyone you know. So it freaks you out. You start to doubt and start to wonder if you’ll be forever alone. But do you know what hope and faith mean? They reach beyond what we can see and they trust. They trust God. And it is in those moments I’m reminded of the things I love. Things that make me not miss it all. Do I still hope to someday get married? Absolutely. But hope is not hope if you have a plan of how to make it happen. Hope is waiting for the unseen, the unknown, with excitement because you know that whatever God has planned for you is far greater than you could ever plan for yourself. Hope is letting go and trusting in something greater than you. There is no need to justify being single because while you may be single, you are certainly not alone.

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Sam’s (from Tinder) side of the story

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I did several posts on Sam (Sam & the Fam, Sam is back!, Sam & more fam) and I thought it would be interesting to hear his version of events. So I asked him to write his side of things back in March for our “anniversary.” He was late. As usual. So here it is:

Where to begin? Chatting on an app with someone can be freeing or terrifying depending on your personality. LUCKILY I can (and have) talked to a wall. Finding a nice young lady with morals was a surprise amidst the forward crowd of progressive youth. It didn’t take long for Sarah to click with my viewpoints and sense of humor. So we are chatting for what seems to be “a long time”, 2 days maybe. We talked about nothing, or everything, or really just nothing. Politics came up, religion and ideology, corny jokes, food, sports and while on these subjects to no surprise there were many arguments. Sarah likes arguments. Sarah likes to be difficult. End of story.

I may like to be childish with other like-minded people. What better way to do that than at DISNEY!!!! Ice cream, family, rides, children. Disney has what it takes for children of all ages to let loose. I know my family well enough that I would get more than half the afternoon and evening alone enjoying the parks as the rest of them tend to the young children or rest. I would like to say I am a good judge of character.   It could have been 1 hour and I still would have invited Sarah to come with us to the park. It was an easy decision. My family is very open and inviting to individuals who are respectful and modest. I might not have gone through with the idea if Sarah was not outgoing and spontaneous so she deserves as much credit for the friendship as I do. I don’t think it took 5 minutes for her to get crowded by all 4 of my nephews & nieces who were mobile at that point. My siblings were also brutally forward about “how did you meet” and those interesting questions that pop up with … prying family members. Did I mention I haven’t really dated since a certain bad relationship experience a little over a year prior to this event? So people were interested to say the least.

Sarah excelled in the important aspects of social awkwardness. She didn’t mind the harassment. She played along with the kids. She didn’t share ice cream. 2/3 is not bad. We had fun. That was the point. Evening rolls around and we have been in the park all day. The family inevitably goes back to the rooms for a good nights rest. We have at least 3 hours of after hours park time to roam free on the adult rides we want. I think we ended up on Space Mountain 4 times. Meeting people in line or anywhere and everywhere we go. I am still snapchat friends with one guy from Brazil we played games with in line*. Great evening. I found out Sarah is the best dancer EVER. Ask to see her skills or send me a message to get this WOBBLE video starring our special friend.

The trip with the first Columbia experience is not how she portrays it. She was a terrible brat. Again, she needs to learn to share. #sangria? But, when you have a full chocolate cake you should share. Sharing is caring. We played this awesome game for most of the evening where we don’t speak to each other. Not out of anger or anything, more of a competition. I’m not sure who was the winner ;D. So after she broke both mentally and physically, we went on to enjoy our evening. Did I mention she is both a competitive person and a cheater? She cheats at minigolf. So do I. I let her win although impressively I didn’t have to tank too hard. #sangria?

Night of lights. Thanks for the worst idea of food ever. Hot chocolate is great. I think it was very romantic and intimate. She was wanting me to kiss her somewhere in there.** I didn’t. You’re welcome. 10/10 I would do it again. Just with better food choices. Did I mention Sarah is headstrong? I mean really woman, do you need to argue all the time?

Sarah blew me off a few times for boys and “not boyfriends.” I wonder if she will ever listen to me. I can hear it in her voice when she knows the boys aren’t for her. I try not to rub it in.

STAN!!!! Birthday day. She is late. We ended up having a blast celebrating Mr. Stan and his life. This man is amazing. He is family to me. What a giving person with stories and experiences that will put you in AWE. Sarah liked the chocolate cake the most. So we went to the boardwalk. SHE IS DIFFICULT. I tried telling her to be cutthroat when parking here. I was pretty much done with it after 5 minutes and a few parking opportunities missed. Did we get towed? NO. Thanks. I am cheap when it comes to wasting my time in lines. I hate poor service and lines/crowds. I would rather get a 10$ beer at a sit down than a 5$ water in an unnecessary line. First place we went didn’t take AMEX. I don’t carry cash. The bar took my card though. Might have watched some football there as well. No ulterior motives, BACK OFF. The evening finally went the way I wanted it to when we enjoyed the beach sunset. Pictures were had. People were jealous of us. Nothing new. I should have been a little more decisive to protect her from herself. I am driving from now on.

Overall, we have had a great connection. It is very rare and I know that it was not just chance. I enjoy our friendship thoroughly. I love this girl. I know she will do great things. I hope I can give her sound advice and support for as long as I can.

Dictated not read.

SAM THE MAN

*Me toooo! This dude’s snaps are the best!

**Not true at alllll

Taking a break or breaking up

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Breaks breaks breaks. There are many types. Your partner is off in the military and you are forced to take a break, one person isn’t sure of the relationship and requests a break, the actual break-up, and the break needed after the break-up. Whew. That’s exhausting just talking about it. But I’m only going to make two points in this post:

Taking a break? Break-up.

If you or the other person feels the need to take a break, the relationship is probably already over. You don’t take a break from your family. You don’t stop being a parent, a sibling, a son, or a daughter for a period of time. You don’t take a break to decide if you still want to be a part of the family. You may get mad but you know you’ll always be related. And in that, there is a sense of security. Commitment regardless.

What makes a relationship so amazing, so stable, and so secure is knowing that no matter what, you and the other person will never leave. Taking a break pulls that level of trust from right underneath you. You aren’t yourself. You wonder if you are good enough. You wonder if this will happen again. If you are not willing to work through it with your partner, it already shows where your real desire lies. When you really love someone, when you really know that you are with the person you want to spend forever with, you’ll fight. And this isn’t fighting.

I think this happens a lot with couples that haven’t first figured out who they are on their own and they get frustrated. Unfortunately, their partner is the one who ends up suffering. Don’t look for your identity in another. You can’t. And it can cost you a good relationship down the road if you think you can.

In short, there’s no sense in being in a relationship if one person already wants out.

Breaking up? Take a break.

And if you do break-up, take a break. I don’t care if you feel like you don’t need one or you both agreed to be friends, take a break. There are too many emotions that are still so raw. You have to learn to be single again. Otherwise, one or both of you are going to hold onto the hope of the relationship. Not necessarily because you love each other, but because you don’t know how to function on your own anymore. That’s dependency. That’s comfort. That’s safety. But it isn’t love. The only time I’ve seen people be able to be friends directly after a break-up is if both people never really cared about one another in the first place.

I think this is one of the hardest, yet best things you can do for yourself. You miss the daily texts, you miss the venting sessions, and you miss the sharing of corny jokes and dumb articles. It’s like you have to retrain your body. And it’s funny how you’ll think of any and every excuse to try to talk to your ex. “I know they had an important test today, I just want to say good luck.” “Their mom had to go to the hospital, I should probably make sure she’s okay.” Anything and everything in between.

Don’t prolong your pain and don’t cause pain for someone else. Be honest. And communicate. Our hearts and emotions are a tricky thing. I’ve seen myself hold onto someone I knew I didn’t care about simply because I wanted to feel loved. But being loved and feeling loved are two different things. You can’t move forward if you don’t let go of the past. It’s amazing to see what God does to your heart as you trust Him and do the best you can.

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Tinder Sam and more fam!

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Is that even possible?! For those of you that have been following along, you remember my boy Sam (Sam requested to have his named changed to Zak to coincide with Ben Folds’ Zak & Sara song, how cute). But we are already in too deep with “Sam.” You can read about our times together in the previous posts (here & here) but one thing that definitely stood out with Sam was meeting his whole family on our first date. I think I loved the “So how did you guys meet?” questions the best.

Sam came down recently (aka a few months ago- sorry, I’m a bit behind on these types of posts;) and we were able to hang out some. Though slightly awkward. I, unfortunately/fortunately, had started talking to a new guy right before his visit so it created a little tension between us. Hey, in my defense he was going to bring down a date! Okay, not really- but it was going to be someone that liked him who would help out with all the nieces and nephews. Who knows. Regardless, she didn’t come and I didn’t bring my guy. It just would have been too awkward all around. [Sidenote, new guy and I decided to just remain friends].

Our normal outings are typically held in St. Augustine but this time it was Daytona Beach. It was Stan’s 94th birthday party. 94! Stan is a family friend that is pretty much family. Sam, his grandma, Stan, Sam’s two sisters, sister-in-law, more nieces and nephews than I could count, his mom, dad, and I think that is all. That’s who was there this time. And me. Of course I fit right in. I think Sam’s grandma likes me more than she likes him. Amongst screaming kids, great BBQ, and amazing homemade cake from granny (I’m pretty much family, I can call her that), all I can say is I hope to be like Stan one day. He was so active- wanting to help, loving everything and everyone. It’s always such a joy being around people like him.

94 cake

After the party, Sam and I decided to go to the boardwalk since neither of us had ever really been. I drove us since he rode with his family there. Big mistake. We almost just decided to go somewhere else. Parking was the worst in my truck. Awful. Sam is a little passive aggressive in that he won’t tell me what to do until after I didn’t do something and then lets me know what he would have done (now that it’s too late). Thanks. Sam was firmly upset my truck did not fit in certain spots and disliked the fact I did not feel comfortable parking in sketch situations. Then he got mad and said I yelled at him. I can neither confirm nor deny what I did. I ended up driving into a bar parking lot that had spots and we discussed the parking situation for a good 10 minutes. I saw other people parking there and walking to the boardwalk so I told him we should just do that. He thought it would be too obvious what we were doing since we had been sitting in their parking lot awkwardly doing nothing. During this time, a guy in an orange vest came out of the bar to start selling spots. Great. I thought we would be okay since we were already there but I was still nervous. We decided to ask permission from the guy. Well Sam did. I like that about him. He has a manly, take charge, side to him that makes me feel safe. For someone who is somewhat bossy, it’s nice to relax every now and then and let somewhat else take charge;)

BeachcollageWe walked around the boardwalk as Sam complained about the rides and the prices. Sam was too cheap to buy me water, which was free. I know right. Okay he wasn’t that bad, he just didn’t want to stand in line to wait for it even though I was soooo thirsty! On top of this, he was texting his “girlfriend” and making fun of my guy interest with side comments. I remember passing by some people who were passing out Christian tracks, asking people if they were saved. Normally I will pass on by, let them know I am saved, or say something to the effect of I like what they are doing. Sam, however, stopped. He engaged in conversation with them, made them feel valued, and encouraged them. Among all of our play fighting and jokes, it was nice to see this side of Sam. He inspired me more than he knows.
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We ended up stop at a place for drinks while watching a concert that happened to be in the amphitheater that night. We talked about a lot of stuff. I remember asking Sam if he thought we’d still hang out like this once he got a girlfriend. Without hesitation, he said we better. I guess I didn’t realize how scarred I have been from lost friendships with some of my guys. I’m not expecting things to stay the same and I’d never want to come before a guy’s girlfriend but it’s somewhat sad that there’s this underlying theme in society that guys and girls can’t just be friends. It was reassuring to hear Sam say that to me. It made me realize he valued our friendship. Me. Beyond wanting me, if that makes sense. A lot of guys have stopped talking to me once they realized I wasn’t interested in dating. While I understand to a degree, it doesn’t hurt any less. So I try not to get too attached.

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I ended up driving Sam back to the condos where all of his family was staying. It was pretty late and I was hungry. Per usual. Sam made me steak and then gave me ice cream. I didn’t even have to ask. He knows what makes me happy. I hope he’s planning another trip soon because I’m starting to get hungry again.

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Read this when you’re going through a break-up

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You never want to have this feeling again. It hurts and you feel there is nothing you can do about it. There is no quick fix to relieve this pain. Among all the feelings of anger, sadness, relief, guilt, shame, I think disappointment describes what you feel most. Disappointed things didn’t turn out how you thought they would. There were so many great times. So much potential. So much hope. But it was all shattered. All smoke and mirrors. So many ‘what ifs,’ so many ‘if onlys.’ But while you are dealing with a whirlwind of emotions, let me remind of a few important things you already know while you work on finding yourself once again.

Sever the ties for now

Clean breaks are the best. Don’t kid yourself- you can’t be friends…yet. Unless of course you both didn’t really care about each other, then in that case it would be fine. But you need some time. Time to realize who you are. Time to heal. Time to remember what you really want. And time to understand and know you are okay without this person. We all want to be loved. Desperately. So when the feeling of love is taken from us we naturally grasp for it and want it to return. We think that some feelings (even if they are unhealthy) toward us are better than no feelings at all. But that’s not true. You broke up for a reason. It wasn’t the love you want. Wasn’t the love you are looking for. So wait. Be patient. Control your emotions and don’t let them control you. Because they will change. You know this. And you know this is the best thing for you right now. Even if it doesn’t feel like it.

Regret certain choices but don’t regret the love

You made the choice to love knowing this pain would probably happen. I shouldn’t say probably but you went in knowing it was a possibility. A possibility that was worth the risk. The risk of this now pain. But remember what you know. Love is what makes you alive. And the only way to avoid this pain is to not love. To stay in your box. Closed off to the world. But that’s no way to live. You had lots of good memories. You enjoyed the present without letting fear of another disappointment paralyze you. You made a difference. You gave someone else love. Love they will always remember. At your own expense. Own up to any bad choices you made, but never regret the love you gave.

Turn to Christ

You’re not going to feel this way forever. You’ve been down this road before. I’m sure this relationship was different but the end result is the same. You will get over this person if you want to. But it takes time and it takes action on your part. Ask for forgiveness if you need to. Choose not to grow bitter. You have to choose not to let your love turn to hate. And you have to allow God to come in to heal your broken heart rather than thinking you can do it all on your own. Your Band-Aid approaches of going out more and rebounding may appear to work temporarily but all they are doing is masking the pain. Yes, go out, have fun, continue to live but don’t pretend this pain isn’t real. Allow God to give you clarity, allow Him to help you grow. It’s amazing how He will change your feelings. How He’ll change the way you view your ex. The way you view yourself. Let Him fill the empty void in your heart so when this pain comes, it hurts you but it doesn’t control you, doesn’t destroy you.

I know right now you feel you can never love another the same way again. But you will and it will be a better love, a deeper love. You are questioning whether all the time and investment is really worth the pain because you don’t want to go through this again. But it is. I’m sure you will go through these emotions again. Take time to reflect on what you liked, what you didn’t, and what you learned. So when the next person comes around, you’ll go into it with a little more understanding of who you are and what you’re looking for. But don’t change. Love and love freely. The right one deserves the real you. Not the jaded you. So keep moving forward. Keep putting yourself out there. And keep loving. The right one is more than worth it.

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Women fall quicker, but men fall deeper

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We know there are always exceptions to the rule, but I think this is why women get called crazy and why it seems there’s always that one girl a guy never gets over. My guy friend, Mick, is going through it now. He was dating a girl that was all about him yet he wasn’t ready to commit. As he was growing closer, she was pulling away. She found someone that gave her the attention she never received from him and they broke up. While she’s moved on, he’s trying to get her back. But the pain is already too deep and the scars have already been made. How does this seem to happen over and over again?

Women get excited

It’s in our nature. The hope. The giddiness. We fall and we fall fast. We are so ready and want the “too good to be true” to be, well, true. So we do. We get a little crazy. And sometimes it’s a little much. We’ve waited so long for this and we don’t want to lose it. I think part of it is we are in love with being in love. And sometimes I really wonder if we could love anyone. Anyone that truly loves us that is.

Men get scared

Meanwhile, the men freak out over this behavior. Where’s the cool, calm girl he liked? Why does it have to be so rushed? They plan. They want to be sure. They think the woman might be a little crazy. And they step back. They don’t know what else to do. They want to make sure the girl they fell for is really the girl they fell for. And that takes time.

Cautious=not interested

Unfortunately when you mix these two, it appears (on the surface) the woman started liking the guy more and the guy started liking the woman less. So as the men (in reality) are growing closer, the women start pulling back. For women, a man’s cautiousness equates to not being interested. To her, you are inconsistent and she’s lost trust in you. She starts not being herself because in her mind, herself isn’t good enough anymore. Men, I cannot stress this enough- make your intentions known from the beginning and ensure your actions align appropriately. Women crave this. They want stability. They need to feel safe and secure. If not, she starts to become insecure and no woman likes feeling this way. And women, we need to learn to be patient. A guy wouldn’t be talking to you if he weren’t interested. Remember this before you start to freak out. This is the make it or break it stage.

It’s over

And a lot of the time it’s a break it. Women were healing and starting to get over the guy during the end of the relationship and the men are left without closure. The woman starts to nit pick every little thing to justify her reasoning for wanting to leave and the man thinks she’s gone psycho. This isn’t the woman he fell in love with but he wants her back. So he hangs on. But women rarely go back. Once they get over you, they just don’t see you the same way. There’s too much rejection and insecurity to go back.

It’s all a little sad. To think that a, what could have been great, relationship was lost over simple miscommunication, wrong timing. But part of me has to believe it was never real love. Maybe more attachment. More comfort. Because when we really love someone, we’ll deal with a little crazy and we’d be a little more patient.

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The good guys scare me

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This is going to be difficult to write. As I look back at the guys of my past, it was the bad guys I engaged and the good ones I pushed away. You scared me. Because I wasn’t ready. I needed to be single. I needed to grow. I needed to establish who I was in Christ and fall in love with my One True Love first.

You scared me. In some ways you still scare me. Am I ready to be loved? Am I ready to commit? You see, it’s easy with the bad guys, the ones I know aren’t really right for me. Though I truly fall for them and care for them, I know deep down it’ll never work so it’s safe. It’ll be easier to walk away because I know the pain is only temporary.

But you. You are decent. You are kind. You make me feel special. You listen to me and you remember things about me. My imperfections you love. My ugly is cute. Because you see through me and you love me for me.

You make me feel loved, needed, wanted, secure. You’re consistent and reliable which are two of the qualities I admire most. You don’t play games and you make it clear through your actions I am what you want.

But that’s not fun. Not exciting enough. I want a challenge. I want to make the bad boy good. It’s all about me. You see, these were the qualities that made me not worthy of you. Yet, you still pursued me. What love.

It’s so scary. You have so many good qualities but. But what if I haven’t discovered the bad ones yet and it’s too late when I do? But what if you really are perfect and I didn’t fully enjoy being single like I should have because I was so worried about you?

You nice guys keep being nice. Because the problem has never been you. The problem was me. And I’m just scared. Scared I might actually like you.

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Dating means letting go, marriage means holding on

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I think we have it backwards. Too many people stay in relationships they should have left long ago while others exit when they should have stayed. Maybe it’s just me but I often see these people in dating relationships that just seem miserable. And the excuse is always the same, “Yea, but I love him/her.” Really? What is it you love so much? Okay okay, I don’t want to come across negative but what I really want to tell these people is that they aren’t married and it won’t get better. I think we often think it will. We hope it will at least. And it does in some ways. But I think we forgot the whole concept of dating.

Dating means letting go

Many people who are just dating say they are basically married. What?! If they don’t say it, it’s often implied. It’s fun to think about. We date because we want to be married, well really because we want to be loved. And marriage signifies that. But the whole point of dating is to get to know someone to see if you want to be married to them. You can’t possibly know if you want to marry them until you get to know them. So it’s okay if you end up breaking up- you aren’t married! That is what happens. Yes, we often feel we can’t. We don’t want to quit. We don’t want to fail. We want to work through it. We want to be loyal. All great qualities but it’s simply tragic when it’s wasted on the wrong one because you didn’t think you could break up for whatever reason. It is hard to do but it’s life and it happens. Contrary to what your heart wants to do, you need to balance being “happy go lucky” with objectiveness to see if this is actually the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. No one can be mad at you for breaking up when you are only dating. Well, unless you were a jerk about it;)

Marriage means holding on

So what leads me to believe these people are running into marriages instead of breaking things off? The numerous divorces I see happening in couples just a few years in. That’s what. What happened? What went wrong? We exit marriages quicker than we exit work when the clock hits 5 o’clock. I think a big problem is the fact that people want to get married but they aren’t ready for marriage. At least not with the person they picked. Numerous reasons I am sure. But just like dating is the opportunity to decide whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, marriage signifies that commitment to actually spend the rest of your life with said person. Commitment. Fighting. Loving. Choosing the other person first. Constantly. So if you’re not ready, don’t get married. If you don’t know the person well enough to know, don’t do it. Marriage is losing its value in our society, but don’t let it lose its meaning in your life.

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photo credit: Amber Dancing via photopin (license)

Your words left scars I didn’t know existed

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I went to get my nails done the other day. Per usual, I was eavesdropping. I’m just curious, not nosy… Most of the time:p Anyway, here is the conversation I overheard between a stylist and a client:

Client: Wow, you look nice today.
Stylist: Aww thanks, I’m glad someone thinks so… I came down the stairs today and my husband was like “I hate it when you wear those long dresses.”
Client: Oh, wow.
Stylist: Yea, he isn’t the best with word choices sometimes… I want to get a boob job so I’ve been looking at pictures. I showed him some before and after pics of other jobs and how great they were. He said, “Yea, yours used to look like that.”

My eyes got bugged like one of my favorite emojis as I mouthed to the lady doing my nails that I would never be with someone like that. But then it hit me. I was with someone like that before. And I thought it was okay. I made excuses because I didn’t know any better. It’s funny how we are so quick to judge from the outside looking in, but when it’s your life on the line, we justify certain actions. Certain words.

I was never good enough for Jake and something was always wrong with the way I did things. “Why do you open your mouth in pictures?” “Can’t you smile normally?” “Your bangs make you look like you’re 12.” I could go on but I won’t. I don’t think I really understood the effects back then because there were compliments to balance it out. But it did affect me. I changed my smile in pictures. I grew my bangs out. I subconsciously tried to become “good enough.” I wanted to feel accepted, valued, worthy. I knew I was pretty so I thought I would just need to tweak some things. But it never got better. And we eventually fell apart.

I thought I had healed from it until recently. Derek and I were out shopping and he asked me if I always had bangs. The thoughts in my head within those split seconds went crazy. “He thinks my bangs are ugly.” “He wants me to get rid of them.” “He thinks I’m ugly.” “He’s too good looking for me.” Whoaaa. Calm down, Sarah. All those comments from Jake flooded back. When I paused for a second, Derek told me he loved my bangs and thought I looked great with them. Wow.

I learned a few things:

Be careful who you are around and don’t allow any negativity to take root in your heart.

Be who you are and do what you like. If someone doesn’t like you for it, they didn’t like you anyway. If someone really likes you, it won’t matter.

Don’t make excuses for people. I put up with it because I didn’t know better. Never again. Wait for someone that will appreciate everything about you.

Watch your own words.

 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.
Proverbs 18:21

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photo credit: blueintegrity-by-susan-von-struensee via photopin (license)