Category Archives: Marriage

Why I stayed with an abusive man- part 1

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I used to judge women who stayed with abusive men. I wish I could say I didn’t but I think I did. And then I realized how easy it is to stay. How hard it is to leave. I finally realize what Shakespeare meant when he said “the prince of darkness is a gentleman.” Because with all the bad, deep and hurtful experiences, there are also great, wonderful and amazing times. And this mind game twists our brains, our hearts, into an uncomfortable delusion.

His manners made everyone think he was a southern gentleman. Looking back, instead of respecting boundaries, his pursuit made me feel loved, wanted. He was slowly worming his way into every area of my life. It was control masked as care. He would discuss our futures together, each word igniting hope for our happily ever after. The mind manipulation, the passive aggressiveness, the guilt began to eat at me. I was frantic to save what I didn’t even want.

Him: You made plans for Friday night without even talking to me?
Me: I’ve been ignoring my friends for a month.
Him: So have I but that’s because you’re the most important thing in my life. I guess that was pretty stupid to think that you felt the same way about me.
Me: I do feel the same way.
Him: No you don’t. Otherwise you wouldn’t be putting me in second place. I never realized how self centered you are…

And there I am. Left wondering, left thinking is he right and am I the one in the wrong? I didn’t realize he was telling me how I felt when he didn’t know me yet. But that’s what control does. He was working to control my behavior by responding in a negative way. A way that would make me not dare to act the way I did ever again. We do this to children when they are little to teach them right and wrong. Only we typically do it out of concern, not control. And I wasn’t his child.

But the mind control continues and leaves you second-guessing even further. He comes back apologizing and encouraging me to do what I initially wanted.

I love you way too much to stay mad at you. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me and I know you aren’t going to make plans anymore without talking to me first.

The last part of that sentence says it all. We get excited at the thought of a love that’s “way too much” only to be left feeling beat down, feeling like we did something wrong when we didn’t. I was so focused on the good, that I didn’t realize he was telling me what to do. How often we think about the good in order to drown out the bad.

The ideas above are all too real. Points are taken from the movie Reviving Ophelia, showcasing the subtle, calculated takeover of sweet innocence. Check back next week or subscribe with your email to be notified as we pick up next week with part two. For more signs of abuse, check out last week’s post 8 reasons people stay in abusive relationships

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8 reasons people stay in abusive relationships

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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched women stay in a relationship with an abusive man. My words of “leave” “press charges” or “come with me” seem to have always fallen on deaf ears. And I never knew why she couldn’t see what I saw. Is it possible to get in so deep, we’ve lost all sense of reality? Have we distorted the meaning of love into some definition that fits our circumstances because we don’t see anything better? We don’t see a way out?

It is so easy to fall into this trap and not even realize it. Here are eight reasons why we choose to stay when we know we should leave.

  1. We excuse or justify their behavior. They are only acting this way (insert something from their past or circumstances here). Our pasts help us to understand where each other is coming from; they are not an excuse to treat the ones you love poorly.
  1. When they are nice, they are really nice. They make you feel so loved by the things they do for you and the things they get you. We have to understand that motives here are everything. We enjoy the nice things but we have to be mindful of the strings that may be attached. If you think someone loves you because of their nice behavior, what does their cruel behavior tell you?
  1. We blame ourselves for their behavior. We know we aren’t perfect so we start to rationalize. If I was a better boyfriend or girlfriend, they wouldn’t have reacted that way. He/She wouldn’t have gotten mad if I didn’t do that. I really could have said that nicer. The truth is sometimes we all mess up and act in ways we shouldn’t. But we should never blame ourselves for someone else’s decisions.
  1. We take responsibility for their life. This one is closely related to the one above but instead of taking responsibility for the way they treat us, we take responsibility for the way they treat themselves. We don’t want to hurt them. We don’t want to cause them pain and we blame ourselves when they call crying. They say the pain is too much if we were to leave them and they may even threaten suicide. If this is the case, they are manipulating you or they need professional help. It is not healthy to stay with someone because of fear.
  1. The jealousy is cute at first. We like the attention. We like someone fighting for us. And we justify it because at least they care. But oftentimes this jealousy can become obsessive and possessive. And then they start to blame us if someone else flirts with us. It’s nice for someone to care about us; it’s not nice be afraid of how much they “care.”
  1. We think they will change. We believe the best. They just don’t realize how much we love them yet. Maybe when they are more secure. They apologize and say sorry so at least they know it’s wrong. They felt really bad. So we hold out for another day. Another week. Another month. Another year. Waiting. Hoping. Praying. Sometimes people do change. But sometimes they just mask their behavior temporarily until it’s safe again. See if they change for themselves or see if they change for you. Know the difference.
  1. They give us ultimatums. They threaten that you don’t really love them if you don’t do something they want you to do. They want you to prove your love to them by doing certain things. They play subtle mind games in an attempt to control you and your behavior. No one who really loves you should ever threaten you or make you feel less than because you do or do not act the way they think you should.
  1. We become dependent on them. This is probably the scariest of them all. They slowly remove everyone and everything from your life and make it so they are the only good thing in your life. You don’t even realize it because you become so caught up in what you think is love. You look around and you realize you have nothing else. And you don’t want to lose the one thing you have left.

These are so so powerful. They slowly strip away every ounce of our self-confidence until we forget who we really are. But I think there is a way we can see more clear. A way for us to be above this trap. And that is total and complete dependency on God. I think sometimes we make people an idol and don’t even realize it. It’s during those times we are able to be controlled and manipulated because we found something other than God to bring us what we feel would make us happy. It’s our attempt to better our lives, we lose them. But God tells us, whoever will lose their life for His sake, will find it. I pray we are humble enough and strong enough to let God take over and never ever fall into this lethal trap.

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Confidence over comparing- my boyfriend’s ex

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Few things I hate more than comparing. Nothing steals joy quicker. Nothing deceives us more. We are tempted to compare in so many aspects of our lives- is she prettier, is she more successful, does she make more money, why does everyone seem to like her? The list is endless; the devil knows our insecurities and hits us where it hurts most.

One area he gets ahold of us is when we start comparing ourselves to our boyfriend’s exes. It’s hard to enjoy the love, the excitement, the closeness if you are constantly comparing or dwelling on an ex. We compare the gifts, the time, the places, the experiences, the laughter, and most importantly the place she may still have in his heart. All leading up to the question we desire to know most:

Does he love me more than he loved her?

And we begin to seek validation through his actions and his words. So instead of enjoying them, instead of appreciating them, we often compare them. Slowly chipping away any confidence we have. Is that what he called her? Did he take her here before? I wonder if this is as nice as what he got her? Comparing is a strong temptation and society doesn’t make it any easier for us.

But the one thing we seem to forget is that love is love and there is no cap. Love doesn’t expire. It doesn’t run out. And it certainly isn’t all dried up by the time he meets you. If anything, the capacity for love is greater. His past love for her has no bearing on the depth of his love for you now.

The other thing we seem to forget is he is with you and not her. He chose to be with you. The two of you are together for a reason. Whatever that reason may be, God knows. There will always be good memories with exes; at one point in time we liked them, maybe even loved them. But there are also bad memories. Memories bad enough to end things. Memories he may have even forgotten but ones that make him appreciate you even more, that make him value you more than you’ll ever know.

So while we are left comparing in our minds, he isn’t. He’s with you. He’s with you because he loves you so enjoy it. Choose confidence over comparing. He’s with you because you are whom his soul loves.

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Real love doesn’t let go

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“If you love somebody, let them go.” Isn’t that how the saying goes? It’s this nonchalant, somewhat lazy attitude that drives people down a loveless path, a life seeking to justify selfish acts. I can’t stress this enough- true love never gives up. It can’t. It’s impossible.

I’m probably one of Nicholas Sparks’ biggest fans. I’ve seen most, if not all of his movies. A tradition I started long ago with my mom. One of my favorite movies he wrote was The Choice. Life is full of little choices that lead us down the lives we live. Every little thing making more of an impact than we realize. Some choices end in benefits lasting a lifetime, others end with consequences hopefully only lasting but a moment. But it’s foolish to believe these simple choices don’t have the potential to reap some of the most life-changing results.

So what is love? 1 Corinthians shows us a snippet of what it is: “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends…”

I bolded what I hope to focus on here. The movie The Choice was full of so many truths, little acts revealing how real love reacts, how true love responds. Gabby and Ryan were by the world’s standards the ideal couple. Ryan, a successful, good looking doctor; Gabby, a beautiful woman in medical school. They appear to be in love. They appear perfect for each other. Travis comes into the picture and his feisty, no nonsense demeanor creates tension between Gabby and him like no other. Gabby is conflicted, unsure of who she is meant to be with, who her soul desires. Through a whirlwind of choices, Travis ends up stealing her heart. Who knows if she made the right decision? The choices we are faced with- how do we know who truly loves us and who simply desires us and what we have to offer?

Gabby ends up getting into an accident and is put on life support. What are the chances that Ryan would be the doctor in charge? After months on life support, Ryan presents Travis with Gabby’s odds of surviving. They aren’t good and suggests pulling the plug. I wonder how many times we look for a reason to justify not really loving. Because that’s what it comes down to. At what percentage is it appropriate to give up? Maybe it has nothing to do with being appropriate but everything to do with the amount of love we have for that person.

Ryan presenting logical reasoning of odds to justify a finite decision, Travis looking at his love to say he can’t do it. He can’t pull the plug. And he can’t give up. Love endures. Love hopes. Love never ends. She made the right choice. She woke up. But even if she didn’t, I think this is something we should think about. Maybe this is the question we should all be asking ourselves- How far would you go to keep the hope of love alive?

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Modest is [NOT] hottest

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We grow up in church hearing modest is hottest in an attempt to encourage young girls to cover up in a world that screams “take it off.” Should this really be our aim? Our goal should not be to be called “hot.” Google the word. Sexually excited or receptive. Sexual attraction. Attractiveness on the basis of sexual desire. These are the definitions that come up. Are these the thoughts, the actions, the behaviors you hope your body, your life, your pictures bring out in others?

In this generation, the hottest, most popular girls are the ones who are, most likely, showing more than enough skin. Society glorifies this behavior instead of correcting it. And then we wonder why girls think beauty is defined by the way their body looks & how guys react to it.

Scroll through your newsfeed and you will find an abundance of girls posting immodest pictures. Skin. Seductive looks. These are beautiful girls. But you know what they are doing. They are seeking attention and I think we are all guilty of this to some degree. “Look at me.” “Validate me.” “Tell me I’m worth something.” There is a difference between the cute pictures and the sexy ones. You see so many beautiful women posting sensual pictures and then you see the thousands of guys who like them. Some of whom are Christians. All you are doing is encouraging this behavior. Encouraging women to post pictures that elicit sexual desires instead of purity, goodness, and respect.

If a guy really loves you, he will love all the cute things God has wired within you. Your personality, character, and all the adorable quirks & charms that make you, you. You don’t want a guy wanting you just for your body because then he truly doesn’t see you for anything special. And that can be a hard pill to swallow. Especially after we invested so much time into using our body to attract him.

Sometimes these truths are easier said than done. You want to be the “good girl” and you want to do what’s right but you start to wonder if you are enough. You get overlooked. Passed over. And you wonder if it’s worth it and if you should compromise just a little. Where is the line? Just remember, our worth comes from who we are in Christ, not from what some man thinks of us. You are not your body and you know it. And I think you know deep down if that’s how you have to get a guy, then you don’t want him. Your future husband is worth it too. The guy you’re looking for isn’t like that. He wouldn’t encourage women to be that way. Rather, he’d love them and encourage them to love and respect themselves. When God puts the right guy in your path, he will love you for all the right reasons and in all the right ways.

So what we should be striving to be called instead? Modesty is not hot; it’s beautiful, it’s pure, it’s cute, it’s pretty. It allows others to see beyond your body and into your soul. Your beautiful soul.

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The movie “Me Before You” certainly lives up to its name

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I had wanted to see this movie ever since it came out in theaters. Though confused by the name, I thought it to be another romantic love story. Perhaps another cheesy chick flick. But wouldn’t “You Before Me” be more appropriate? Unfortunately not with this film, as the underlying tones promote selfishness masked in a smoke screen of selflessness.

Clarke is a young girl looking to help her family make ends meet. By society’s standards, I’d say she already had a somewhat normal boyfriend, Patrick. But then Will came into the picture. Will was the total package having money, fame, success, and good looks. His life drastically changed when he became paralyzed from a car accident two years prior though. His girlfriend, his best friends fizzled out. Clarke meets Will when she gets a job being his caretaker and through time, a deep love begins to form.

They bring a new level of excitement to each other’s lives. A deeper love they didn’t think was possible. So many are alive but never really live. Clarke quickly became the reason Will woke up every morning. Though he couldn’t do the things he once did, he was feeling the things he’s never felt before. However, he couldn’t get over the fact that he couldn’t be who he wanted to be anymore, who he once was. His value came not in his capacity to love but in his ability to perform. And it was this thinking that led him to believe he couldn’t give all he felt Clarke deserved. But if he only would have known what she needed all along… What she really desired… What made her really feel alive… Will chose suicide. Some may only dream of experiencing the type of love Will and Clarke had and yet, Will threw it away. Will didn’t see how Clarke felt; he saw a life he didn’t want to live. He didn’t just rob himself of love. He also took it away from Clarke.

What is love? Will says he wants Clarke to go live her life, now with money and the freedom to chase after her dreams. But what he fails to see, what he fails to mention is that a life without love is no life at all. What makes us alive, what makes this life worth living is one full of love, which is the only thing that can lead to true happiness, to true joy. You see, Clarke may go through life without a care in the world in terms of money and freedom. She may chase her dreams. But her life will never feel more alive than when she loved and felt love from Will. Love understands how rare that loves comes around. Love understands that’s all this life is really about. Love says “you before me.”

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I can make the bad guys good for a weekend

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And so can you. But is that really what you want?

He will go to church with you.
He will do some cute devotionals with you.
Pray with you.
He will wait to have sex after marriage.
Whatever you desire spiritually.

But the key word here is “you,” not him. Not what he truly wants or desires. Been there, done that. You do not want to know what I’ve tried to make work. But he wants us so isn’t that good enough? I wish it was but that never works long term. There are too many internal struggles and a whole lot of resentment. God’s grace and a changed heart are the only times I have seen it work out and there were many problems in between. Respect for him is what is lacking and respect is what we want most.

I was listening to the radio and people were calling in to say what changed about their spouse once they got married and the only two mentioned had to do with a wife (now ex-wife) not realizing how religious her husband was prior to them getting married (she says he changed) and another saying after getting married to her husband in a catholic church and him attending church with her while they were dating, she found out he was atheist. Who do we blame? Is someone really at fault?

We either dumb down our faith for the sake of who we think we want to be with or our partner will amuse us by doing, attending, thinking, saying what it is they think we want. I wish I was immune to this fatal trap. An amazing personality, good looks, intellect… They intrigue me and I convince myself they probably have a good heart deep down. And maybe they do. But that doesn’t mean they are the one for me. And it doesn’t mean they are the one for you. I think there is something empowering about feeling like we impacted a guy. They changed their ways because of us. This is how we can quickly become the cause of our own destruction. Because at the end of the day, while you may make the bad guys good for a weekend, they are still bad guys.

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If it aint love why does it feel so good

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Jason Derulo’s popular, catchy song I caught myself dancing to until I decided to look up the lyrics. Describing how her body is a blessing and questioning how something could feel so good if isn’t love. Another by Selena Gomez exonerating that she can’t keep her hands to herself over and over again, only to hit the point of truth “I mean, I could but why would I want to?”

This is our culture. This is society today.

I’ll tell you why it feels so good, because sin feels good. I’ll tell you why you’d want to, because sin feels good only temporarily because sin isn’t good. Sexual sins feel good until you spend time alone with your thoughts and emotions, realizing the love you long for isn’t there. Gluttony feels good until you don’t recognize yourself anymore. Addiction feels good until you realize instead of controlling your next fix it’s controlling you. Lying feels good until you forget what truth is. Stealing feels good until you realize you don’t even want what you stole. Even murder feels good until you’ve realized you’ve already lost your soul.

Several things feel good in our instant gratification society. In a culture of promotion of self-love, we are taught to seek our own happiness. The problem with this is we don’t know what real happiness is. And even more disturbing is the fact that the cost to others doesn’t even seem to be considered.

Colossians 3:5-6 “So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires. Don’t be greedy, for a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world.  Because of these sins, the anger of God is coming.”

One thing I’ve learned as I’ve grown in my relationship with God is that God desires what is best for His children. He doesn’t give us these scriptures to harm us but to help us. He warns us against:

Sexual immorality, not sex within the confines of marriage
Impurity, not purity
Lust, not love
Evil desires, not good ones

God hasn’t made harmful things. The world has twisted and distorted the good things He has created only to put them where they don’t belong. And then we wonder why we live in a world of heartbreak and loneliness.

I think if we really thought about it, we’d realize the ones that truly love us are the ones that see beyond their feelings. The ones that see us before themselves. Ones that desire to keep us pure. People that are not looking to use our body to fulfill their immediate desires, but are looking to protect our bodies until the day they are able to commit and love us fully for the rest of our lives. If it truly is love, I pray we show that in our actions that reach beyond simple feelings of self-satisfaction.

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5 reasons why I will still talk to your boyfriend

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And so begins another controversial topic. I need to choose my words carefully as to not sound like I am purposely trying to be a home wrecker. I believe in being loyal but it can be a very scary thing when we become too loyal to the wrong person. I don’t believe in cheating but I do believe in getting to know someone you like. So let me tell you why I will still talk to your boyfriend:

  • He’s a great guy. Obviously you are dating him because you see some great qualities. I see those too.
  • We have similar interests. Whether he is a co-worker, a school colleague, a church friend, or a political debater, our paths may have crossed because of similar interests. Maybe he’ll be a friend for a season, maybe for a lifetime.
  • We have similar morals/values. It’s hard to find people who appreciate my morals and values, much less agree with them. If he does, he is rare and I want him in my life.
  • We’ve got chemistry. Whether our personalities are the same or opposite, we just click. We laugh at the same corny jokes. He can keep up. We just have fun.
  • He’s not married. Sometimes people date out of comfort. I wish I had a dollar for every time someone’s told me they didn’t see themselves marrying the person they are currently dating.

We settle because we don’t find anything better. Dating is to see whether or not you want to marry that person. I don’t know why we are so afraid to talk to people in relationships or let our partner talk to others. I wish we could all be a little more open and less insecure. Maybe I’m too idealistic. Maybe I believe too much in trust and communication. But. If it’s meant to be, it will be. Whether he ends up with you. Whether he ends up with me. Whether he ends up with someone else. We’re all just trying to maneuver this same life while making the best choices possible. I guess I have faith and hope that someone will understand the prize I am and not want to be in a relationship with anyone but me. If he does, maybe we aren’t right for each other in the first place.

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Why I won’t have sex even though I want to

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Sex is awesome. And I don’t have to experience it to know. God created sex and He desires for us to enjoy it- for more than simple procreation, although that is a wonderful benefit. It would be foolish to discredit these desires. We all have this legitimate, innate, intense desire but we have to ask ourselves if we are aiming it in the right direction. A misguided search for simple satisfaction can lead to our destruction.

Proverbs is full of scriptures related to the seductress. Do not kid yourself, the devil is alive and well, trying to steal a loving, satisfying, secure relationship from your life and replace it with the loneliness of the self-satisfaction, hook-up culture. And he will constantly look for opportunities for you to give yourself away to another person, outside the sanctity of marriage. It’s not that I hate sex; I just want to experience it to its fullest potential. Sex is meant to, is designed to, be enjoyed in the safety of a committed (marriage), loving relationship. The problem is the devil seeks to separate sex from love, commitment from intimacy. And it breaks my heart.

The message in society reads “commitment less sex with no consequences” while nothing could be further from the truth. We believe forbidden fruit tastes the best. 70 million dollars was made in ten months from 50 Shades of Grey. 70 million! So in turn we live in a society where we believe this is the norm. Where women make themselves available in order to feel any sense of love or wanting and men don’t even have to chase or pursue anymore. It’s a heartbreaking cycle.

And the sad truth is, if we don’t actively fight it, we will find ourselves in the middle of it. It’s just too strong. The longing to feel special, the low self-esteems, the desire to feel good in an instant gratification society. There are too many excuses and reasons to justify it today. And the consequences are silenced, hidden, and buried too deep.

24% of married men and 14% of married women have affairs. 1 in every 4 marriages, someone cheats. This is the leading cause of divorce. If you don’t honor and value the sanctity of sex within the confines of marriage before you are married, what makes you think you will understand its role and place once you are? I have several friends who are loyal and think it’s okay prior as long as you are in a committed relationship but it’s not good enough. It’s not going to sustain you when you’re alone on a business trip with the perfect opportunity. It’s not going to sustain you when you’ve had a huge fight with your spouse and they leave and you think you are justified. It just won’t. Because you have already blurred the lines and compromised where you know you shouldn’t have. I wish I could put into words the peace and security- the foundation that is made when following Christ. I tell you, it makes decisions a lot easier and the regrets a lot less.

So I wait. Even though it’s hard, I wait. Because I know it’s worth it. I have these truths engraved in my head and in my heart, I have to. Because temptation is great sometimes but I know.

I know that desire I have to be a Victoria Secret model is meant for my husband to enjoy, not for the world to see.

I know no one needs to really “drive it before you buy it” when it comes to sex. I have the rest of my life to enjoy it and figure it out with the man I love. Besides, would I really want a relationship that’s dependent on my sexual performance?

I know when he says I don’t know his needs or that he wants to know I love him, that he really doesn’t care about me.

I know if I start to feel pressured sexually, that he isn’t the one for me. Because he doesn’t respect me and he doesn’t fear God or His words. And that’s not the man I want in 10 years.

I know I want someone who wants me but has the power and the ability to restrain himself until he can look at my parents and say he wants me and is putting commitment down, money down, everything down. That’s the man I can trust. That’s the man that will be able to restrain himself if times get hard.

I want to say for those who have already given it away, there is still hope. The beauty of our loving God is that He is the author of second chances. The book of Hosea is one of my favorites and shows that no matter our history, God can give us a clean slate when we give it to Him.

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*Notes and statistics taken from Ben Stuart’s Wisdom & Sex podcast

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