Category Archives: relationships

So I’ve been talking to a lot of guys lately…

Posted on by

IMG_0216

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. You can say I’ve been “researching” for new topics haha okay that is partly true. I thought my life would settle down somewhat but apparently it’s picked up even more. Knowing me, this is not surprising. I think I’m playing catch up from giving up guys for lent. Seriously. I thought I’ve met every guy and then all of these guys come out of no where. It’s been good. Or interesting. And definitely time-consuming which I am not really a fan of but somewhat needed.

I’ve learned a few things recently that I want to share with you. And I honestly wish there were stronger words I could use to stress these points but I don’t think they’ve been discovered yet. Maybe I’ll add that to my list;)

There is someone great out there for you and they can come at any time. You all have heard my rants about online dating, which I will write about my personal experiences at some point. Still not sold on the whole idea. Mainly because love is not something to be controlled. It just is. And I think part of the beauty of it is just watching and letting it happen, outside of your control. It amazes me and leaves me in awe sometimes. Am I saying sit at home all day and do nothing? Absolutely not! But get out there and enjoy life and allow, yes allow, God to do His thing as you do what He has called you to do. Sometimes we really need to let go and let God.

Keep dating and don’t feel bad about it. If you are anything like me, you tend to focus on the guy (or girl) you like the most and give it your all. That’s the loyalty in you. But you are dating, not married. And that is a very scary thing to do because you close yourself off without fully knowing someone simply because you are excited and infatuated. Keep getting to know people- it’s how you discover what you like, what you don’t, what you respect and what love about others. It allows you to remain somewhat objective rather than making excuses for the wrong one.

Don’t rush. Enjoy each day and the fun and excitement it brings. “I just went on an awesome second date with Jason and he is amazing. I wonder what our babies would look like?!” Sounds ridiculous, right?! Yet, these are the kinds of things that run through our heads. Which is fine but don’t act upon them! Don’t give your heart away too soon. If they are the right one, they will still be there as you continue down this journey. Love is something to be embraced, not rushed. Sidenote, if it doesn’t end up working out, you typically leave on better terms this way.

The heart is what matters most. It’s easy to say people care about money, looks, job, insert whatever you want but really it’s the heart. Sometimes those outward things reveal the heart, sometimes they don’t. But get to know people, like really get to know them. If I’ve learned anything, there is nothing more attractive than a good and loving heart. You can’t fake that and it’s irreplaceable.

Back to “researching” and hope to keep you all posted sooner than later:p

signature

I could be the perfect girl and still not be good enough because I’m not her

Posted on by

5678475529_ba166530ae

While I want to be mad at you, I’m really mad at myself right now. One, for letting this go on longer than it should have. But more so, for letting my pride and vanity get in the way of something much more important. You see, I should have known early on when you would mention your ex way too much. But I’m sort of naïve when it comes to this I suppose. I mean why would you be talking to me if you were in love with someone else? But you did. And you continued to. As I look back it was never about seeing if I actually liked you but seeing if I could get you to fall for me because I didn’t want to accept the fact that someone could be better than me. How noble was I?

Maybe I deserved the way you treated me then because can I honestly say I was any better? But the way you made me feel- it’s like an abused victim who keeps going back for more beatings. I had hoped you’d change. That one day I would be pretty enough. One day I would be smart enough. One day, maybe you would think I was good enough. It took awhile but I realized that day was never going to happen. I read a quote on Instagram from @thegoodquote and it hit me like a ton of bricks:

“At your absolute best, you still won’t be good enough for the wrong person. At your worst, you’ll still be worth it to the right person.”

And it was at that point I realized I was done trying. I’ve never had someone make me feel so bad about myself in my entire life, yet you do it under the guise of “I really do like you, Sarah.” What?! I’m not sure if I should feel bad about being treated so horribly or bad for you since you think there’s nothing wrong.

So what exactly makes them the wrong person? Why can’t they be the right one? Why is it then that some of these guys can’t seem to get over that one girl? I’ve still struggled with this. And so has my vanity and pride. Why am I not good enough? What makes her better than me? But you see, many of these stories involve “the one that got away” aka the one that rejected him. The one where he thinks he could have had something great but he messed it up and now is left wondering. And therein lies the root of the problem if we really face it dead on.

The truth is I know how the guys in my life treated their exes and I don’t think it was ever true love. They miss how that girl made them feel and their own pride and vanity was hurt when she left for whatever reason. He was in love with the idea of her and what she represented. Remembering the good, forgetting the bad. I hate to say this but I’d be hard pressed to find a girl that would leave a guy who was truly in love with her. I’m not talking about lust here. Not talking about like or obsession either. True love, in love. A girl knows when she is truly loved and it’s rare to find a girl who would leave that.

I heard a quote once that I enjoyed- “men are like taxi drivers- when they are available, the light goes on.” There is so much truth in that statement. It has nothing to do with you because they don’t even see you yet. You could be the perfect girl but if the guy isn’t (emotionally) available he won’t see it. And he isn’t available because he’s distracted and dependent on that feeling again. He’s obsessed with it. But we won’t call it love. Because if he was really still in love with her he wouldn’t be talking to me. And he wouldn’t be talking to you. No, what he is missing is the love and attention that he was used to and until he gets over himself he’ll never be able to get over “her.” And be careful because you may be next. Remember when he comes crawling back or attempts to chase you this time, it won’t be about you either. It’ll be about him and the way you made him feel and the cycle continues yet again.

signaturephoto credit: . via photopin (license)

I want a guy who is willing to fight for me but will never have to

Posted on by

8550835541_da693941d6

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Trying to work through my feelings and I think I finally have. I’ve always wanted a guy who was willing to fight for me and up until recently I wanted a guy who WOULD actually fight for me… until I started to think about what the implications of that would mean and questioning my own views on fighting for someone.

I’ve been real conflicted about this because I want a guy to fight for me but at the same time, I wouldn’t want to be with a guy who didn’t want to be with me. So why would I fight for him? Is that fair for me to expect a guy to fight for me if I’m not willing to do the same? Does that make sense? I’ve never said it out loud but I’ve thought numerous times as I’ve seen my relationships with guys fall a part. Why won’t you fight for me? If you really wanted me, thought I was valuable, you’d fight. But you never did. And as I look back now, I’m glad those guys never fought for me because that would not have solved our issues of why we were ending things in the first place. Of course we want to feel loved and it would have felt great for the time being but it wouldn’t have lasted. Maybe I’m wrong but if one person is already pulling away doesn’t that mean there is something about the relationship they don’t like? I know there has to be exceptions to this as I have seen men pursue and fight for women and are now in loving relationships. I don’t think I’ve seen any relationships where the woman fought for the man. Well actually I have- but if I’m honest they tend to be jealous of other women and don’t have the highest respect for their husband. Can you really feel loved knowing that at some point your husband didn’t want you? I don’t know.

I do think there is a difference between men and women’s roles. All throughout the Bible we see references of men pursuing women. Shoot, Jacob worked 14 years for Rachel! Talk about perseverance. And the women made themselves available. Proverbs 18:22 “He who finds a wife finds a good thing.” Men are the leaders throughout the Bible and I don’t think it would change for the sake of pursuing a woman. I believe that is still the man’s role. I think it’s a lot more important for women to feel loved (pursued, fought for) because it’s the one commandment Christ calls the husbands to do- love your wives. And wives submit to your husbands. When a woman feels loved, it’s so easy to submit. But when she doesn’t, it’s one of the hardest things in the world. Men desire respect. Women desire love.

Would I love for my guy to fight for me? Absolutely. But what I want more is for him to never question my love for him. To never feel that I’m not all in. To never feel that I’ve given up. So yes, I want a guy who is willing to fight for me, but I hope he never has to.

signature

photo credit: Cute exotic couple happily enjoying via photopin (license)

Thank you for making me a part of your life but you never became a part of mine

Posted on by

5447731379_bacccee927_b

Do you ever wonder why things never worked out with us? We looked so perfect on the outside but on the inside? Not so much. I’m really not sure how to write this. I feel as though I should feel grateful but I don’t. I always hear how it’s such a huge deal in women’s lives when the guy they are seeing wants you to “meet the parents” as if it symbolizes something special, the next step, or that he ‘like likes’ you. When you meet the family, that’s saying something. At least most of the time. But it’s what I’m used to so maybe I don’t see it as all that big of a deal. I do but I don’t. I don’t think I’ve ever dated a guy where I haven’t met the parents. Shoot, some first dates I met the whole family!

I guess you could say I’ve been fortunate to date guys who have been so quick to welcome me in. I think it has something to do with being a virgin. A lot to do with my faith, morals, and values. And some to do with my crazy personality. When you live your life the way I do- you’re the one they always want to take home to meet the parents because you’re that “good girl.” It doesn’t mean you’re in love though.

You loved me (to an extent- I’ll get back to this later) and were quick to make me a part of your life. I liked it. It made me feel special and valuable. It made me feel you wanted me around and you wanted us to work. I always supported you, was quick to become part of your family, and loved meeting the people that mattered most to you. But something was always wrong and I think I’m finally starting to see what it was.

While you’d been quick to show me off and make me a part of your family, you never wanted to be a part of mine. Can we really call that love? It’s hidden behind “I just wanted to make you feel welcome” and “You mean so much to me that I want you to know everything about me” when in actuality it’s “This is what I’m doing so you either come aboard or not.” What happened to the ‘we’? We become one; I don’t become yours. Did you see this? Did you stop to think how I felt? What you were indirectly asking me to leave- to give up? This can’t be what a healthy relationship is all about. I’ve seen better. And I’ll wait for better.

Maybe I’m to blame for part of it. I still see meeting the family as a huge deal. I don’t want any attachments being formed only for us to realize we aren’t right for each other. No sense in hurting more people than we have to. Or maybe I just don’t want you to meet my parents because I already know they’ll say you aren’t good enough for me. Maybe you aren’t. You aren’t if you don’t want to be a part of my life. If you don’t make an effort to break through. Because the truth is you really didn’t love me as much as you thought you did. You didn’t really want it that bad. I was just a good catch that you could bring home to mom.

signature

photo credit: 163 via photopin (license)

My biggest influences on my no-sex-before-marriage stance: twenties

Posted on by

justsayno

My last blog post focused on what influenced me during my teen years to remain abstinent but I think we can all agree that it can get somewhat more difficult to keep that same commitment during your 20’s. It’s interesting how expectations and norms seem to change. I think in your teens you get made fun of for being a virgin but at the same time, it’s understandable. When I hit my 20’s especially the later years, the conversation shifts from “have you had sex before?” to just assuming you have. So whenever it gets brought up in conversation that I haven’t, it’s a little awkward. But that’s okay because that’s my whole goal. Okay not to make things awkward lol but to change the stereotypes a little, if not a lot. And that’s why I’ve been so grateful for the invaluable resources I have found along my journey to both strengthen and encourage me. I get messages from people letting me know they are waiting too and it just makes my heart so happy. We don’t have to do things the same way as society- there is another way.

The resources that stick out the most to me are two pastors and their sermon series and two books.

The New Rules for Love, Sex, & Dating- Andy Stanley

I will more than likely do a four part series on Andy’s messages but you still need to watch/listen to them! I listen to them about every six months. I’m surprised I don’t have them memorized at this point. The four messages include:

The Right Person Myth • Gentleman’s Club • Designer Sex • If I Were You

What stuck out to me most throughout this series was the bluntness and the reality that many people don’t face. You will not die if you don’t have sex. The way we sabotage our own relationships by listening to the devil’s temptations that make absolute no sense. It’s even comical at times. I think my favorite piece that touched me the most was a story about a young girl he had shared. This girl was raised Christian but she wanted to live in the world a little, experience it- sow her wild oats, so to speak. And she did. She was used and abused, going from one guy to the next to fill her void and in an attempt to find love. One night she was at a party and starting talking to this nice guy. He was successful, good looking, sweet- and it was apparent he was a solid Christian with strong convictions. She was so excited about this guy. She went home to tell her mom and went on and on about this guy, listing all of his good qualities and traits. The mom was excited but she was also a realist and she told her daughter that it was fantastic but that the problem was a guy like that isn’t looking for a girl like you. Wow. In that moment she just broke and realized the way she had been living. She decided to take a year off from dating and really focus on who she was and what she wanted in life. One of my favorite quotes from his series that I am always thinking about and constantly telling people is

Are you the person the person you are looking for is looking for?

Go ahead and read it again- it took me a few times before I really understood the magnitude of it. Anyway, it’s an amazing series and I encourage you to watch it.

Sex & Dating- Ben Stuart

I did a two part series on this and you can read it here: Part One: What to look for when you are looking for marriage & Part Two: How do you date

All in all, Ben is a great pastor at Texas A&M and has a great gift for ministering to college students. Even though I’m a tad bit older now;) I still listen to him. I linked up where you can find his podcasts. Unfortunately I don’t think the ones I listened to are available anymore. My notes pretty much cover it though;-)

When God Writes Your Love Story

whengodwriteslovestory

Okay so I must confess something here. I have always hated to read, always. As I have matured (hehe) I have tried to love it. But certain books make me forget how much I hate to read. I actually don’t want to put them down and this was one of those books. It’s about a husband and wife who share candidly about what it’s like to be a Christian waiting for the right one God has for you. I could have sworn that by the end of the book I was BFFs with the authors. The overall theme was about how God is the author of romance and how He desires to pour out that love to you and how when you surrender control to Him, He blesses you in more ways than you could have even imagined. Here’s just one of my many underlined quotes on seeking a spouse from the book:

“…This doesn’t mean you remain passive in the process. But your role is not to frantically search for a spouse and then ask God to bless your selfishly motivated decisions. Rather, your role is to pray, to trust, to build your life around Him, to listen to His still, small voice of guidance… and let Him take care of the rest. If you desire a beautiful God-written love story, your time will be far better spent cultivating your relationship with Christ than searching the Internet or the local coffee shops for good-looking potentials… God gives His best to those who leave the choice to Him.”

Made to Crave

madetocrave

The reason I love this book so much is because it puts things in perspective for me. It really got to the root of our issues and addressed those “cravings.” Once again I underlined sooo much in this book and I laughed at some of the things I write in my books. If you couldn’t tell by now, I generally say exactly how I feel. Proof:

quotesmadetocrave quotesmadetocrave2

I learned SO MUCH in this book and I honestly think anyone could get so much truth out of it. Here is one of my favorite quotes from this wonderful book:

“Our feelings follow our actions so much, in fact, that our actions become one of the primary tools we have at our disposal as we try to turn our cravings toward God and away from counterfeits. If you really truly want to honor God and change what you are craving, you must first change what you are doing… The cravings we feed will grow bigger and stronger, and have more hold on us. But the cravings we starve will wither, weaken, and eventually die. To the degree we “feed” God’s way of filling our God-shaped hole, we’ll find that way so much more compelling. And to the degree we “starve” all the old, unhealthy ways of filling that hole, we’ll find they are much weaker, and have much less power and temptation over us.”

Whoa. Can we just think about that for a second? That statement is so true. I just pray we all muster up enough courage and strength to say no to what we know is not good for us.

signature

My biggest influences on my no-sex-before-marriage stance: teen years

Posted on by

teen

I’ve been asked numerous times about my beliefs. Everyone that knows me knows the three things I get most passionate about are God, relationships, and politics. I can seriously talk for hours on any of those. Whether you are curious or simply looking for possible resources to use, I decided to do a mini series on what has influenced me the most in regards to remaining abstinent until marriage. I would like to preface this with the fact that everything I will talk about will all be supplemental as my one and only reason needed stems from love and respect for God and His rules. I know that everything He says is only for my benefit and I trust Him. As I’ve grown through the years, everything I’ve come across in regards to saving sex for marriage just confirmed my decision and showed me why God desires for us to share that level of intimacy with the one we choose to spend the rest of our lives with.

A book. A speaker. A movie.

I Kissed Dating Goodbye

This was an extremely popular book at the time. I also had the biggest crush on the author, Joshua Harris. I honestly don’t remember too much about the book but it primarily focused on giving up on the traditional way of dating and trying a new method. He talked a lot about what happens in the current dating culture of what I like to refer to as mutually using relationships. It’s very me-centered rather than other-centered and that’s why Josh proposes a different idea.

I must confess, I did not read the entire book. He talked a lot about the idea of courtship which I’m not really sure where I stand on it yet. I think it depends on one’s age honestly and I don’t really think there is a one size fits all method. What I appreciated most about this book was the encouragement I received that there are others out there who do live their lives against the grain- right up my alley;-)

Pam Stenzel

Oh my gosh. I absolutely loved listening to this lady. She was a firecracker. Pam is an abstinence spokeswoman and I just had to look her up because it’s probably been 10 years since I’ve listened to her! She talked a lot about the consequences of sex that I don’t think younger girls hear sometimes. She talked about both the physical and emotional effects which I wish were talked about more. Why isn’t it talked about more?! I either hear people talk about it like it’s no big deal or people just won’t talk about it. Relationships are one of the most important things in life and I think we can all agree sex is a part of that. Why is it so taboo? Blah. End rant. Anyway, one of my favorite things Pam said and something that has always stuck with me whenever I’ve been weak or tempted was something to encourage women. It was in response to a sexually active girl making fun of a virgin (because we all know it happens) and the response was simply “Any day I can choose to be just like you but you can never again be like me.” Wow. And I don’t say this to be arrogant or pretend like my purity is some type of badge that makes me better than anyone else. But what I do wish is that people did value it more. Treasured it. Held on to it. Because honestly I just feel people don’t and it breaks my heart. It is so valuable. And so special. And people are doing everything they can to make you think otherwise.

Pamela’s Prayer

This movie had such an impact on my life. I think it’s what keeps me going sometimes with my own vision and ideas. To know that someone’s idea or vision changed the whole course of my life. Maybe, just maybe, I can make that kind of impact on someone else’s life. This movie followed the life of a young girl. But once again, only one thing stood out to me from this move: she wanted to have her first kiss on her wedding day. I thought this was the coolest idea and decided to make the same commitment right then and there.

I do have a funny story about this. I did acting in high school and when I was 16 I got the lead at our local theater and was Snow White. Side note, I still wish I could be a famous actress. Anyway, I’m sure all of us know what happens toward the end of the story- Snow White gets a kiss from the prince while she is “dead” and then she magically comes alive and they live happily ever after. All throughout rehearsals the prince would kiss me on the cheek. Well, at our final dress rehearsal I was lying down dead, covered head to toe under the sheet, when the director tells the prince to go ahead and give me a real kiss this time. Sometimes I do things without thinking all the way through and this was one of those times. I immediately shot up and said “No no noooo!” Everyone started laughing and then giving him a hard time thinking I just rejected him but I tried to say that wasn’t the case. It turned out to be a funny moment and we agreed on a stage kiss- essentially he kissed me close to my mouth and it was no big deal. Always a fun memory though.

I wish I could say I stuck to my ‘no kiss until my wedding’ idea but I can’t. I have kissed one guy and I only did because I thought I was going to marry him at that time. I haven’t since and I’m very of glad. It’s not that I think there is anything wrong with kissing necessarily, but it helps me to focus on what matters most to me and keeps me from getting emotionally attached to guys I’m attracted to but don’t really like. It is my hope that the next guy I kiss will be my husband.

signature

I gave up dating, I did not give up talking to guys

Posted on by

selfbeach3

As I mentioned in my previous post one of the things I decided to give up for lent was dating. I knew this was going to be a challenge for me but I also knew it was something I needed to do. Up until this time, I wasn’t technically dating anyone but my mind was constantly consumed with one guy who would feed my ego to the next. I imagine my heart with several holes in it and the words of some guy as a thin liquid being poured in. Clearly, these words run right through me and don’t make my heart full. But I suppose if I have enough guys lined up and their words are consistent, and perhaps even overlap with the compliments of another, then maybe just maybe I will feel complete. It’s really sad but I don’t think I’m the only one that buys into this silliness. We all are looking for love really. Watch anyone for a given amount of time and you’ll notice. Love is what makes us alive. We all are inclined to do what I do but your liquid may just be something other than the fleeting words of a guy- money, fame, success, you name it. I may not understand much about it but one thing I do know is that it all eventually leaks out and you are left with an empty heart. Unless, of course, your heart is already full of something of a greater consistency- a thicker substance. Of something that actually stays. Of something that actually lasts. And that’s Jesus and that’s what I’ve been focusing on these past 26 days. Focusing on what will truly complete me instead of focusing on the cheap imitations.

These past few weeks have been interesting as I’ve tracked my thoughts and feelings. I am a firm believer in us doing our absolute best as that’s an indication of how much we desire God to change us. One of my favorite quotes from Joyce Meyer says “God wants you to do what you can so He can do what you cannot.” To me, it has always be a sign of how bad we really want something, how bad we want to change. This lent study has truly been me doing what I can and God has definitely done what I cannot. He has changed my heart and those are the times I treasure the most.

Here are just a few of the ways I have benefited from this time so far:

  • I have fallen more in love with Him and have a greater understanding and appreciation for how much He truly loves me
  • I have felt more complete in Christ as my faith and trust has grown tremendously
  • So many times we wonder what we should do but as I’ve gotten closer to Christ, He has illuminated my path and my peace has increased
  • I tracked how I defaulted back to old guy friends for love; though this wasn’t necessarily the healthiest thing to do in my opinion, it did give me the strength to not turn to new potential dates
  • Furthermore, I realized how important a father’s role really is; when a girl has a dad (or I do believe it could be another male figure) who continually tells her how loved and valuable she is, she has the strength to never settle for less than God’s best; she knows her worth
  • I was able to get over and lose feelings for someone I still liked at the time because he was feeding my ego
  • I have met some really awesome women and have been able to invest more in those friendships
  • I have spent more time with my family which has been a huge blessing
  • Ironically enough, I have a better understanding of what I am looking for in a potential spouse
  • My guy friendships have strengthened

I want to talk about the last one now. I think people assumed when I said I was giving up dating it meant I was giving up talking to guys. It was funny to watch as my friends would yell at me if I even dared to mention a guy. But I didn’t give up talking to guys. And I’m so glad I didn’t. For me, it has been my mind and thought process that has changed. Whenever I talk and engage with a guy, instead of viewing him as a potential spouse I’ve looked at him differently. I have looked at these guys as brothers, as friends, as someone I could potentially be a blessing to. I didn’t realize it at the time but I’ve moved from a “me” centered attitude to an “others” centered mindset. And it has been incredible. I already feel less needy, less dependent, and most importantly- more like myself. I love it. There is something so wonderful about living for something greater than yourself. I feel happier. I feel freer. I feel more loved than I have ever been. Nothing is as radiant as the smile of a girl who knows how loved she is. ♥

signature

My ex just married his ex

Posted on by

4183872276_e9fcf2c9ea

So I was scrolling through my newsfeed the other day and I noticed that my ex –boyfriend just married his ex-girlfriend. Yep, you heard me right. A flood of thoughts immediately ran through my mind as I recalled everything he had told me while we were dating. Another example of when I trusted a guy over my gut. Never trust a guy over your gut. Always trust your gut instincts. They are there for a reason.

It’s kind of weird and I’m not really sure if there is a “right” feeling. Our relationship was never that serious, mainly because it was never given the chance to be that way. Looking back, it was just another relationship God protected me from in spite of my naïve ways. While I hate to admit this, I spent more time trying to figure out why he didn’t like me rather than seeing if I even liked him. I didn’t. But what mattered at the time was my vanity and ego. I hate when I get like that. If anything now, I feel bad for his wife. And I feel bad for him.

Mark and I first met at a wedding. We had a lot of mutual friends in common and he actually knew my date (I was my friend’s date- strictly platonic mind you;-). We talked a little and he seemed cool. A little shy and quirky which depending on the guy, I either find annoying or cute- your guess is as good as mine. Good luck. After the wedding, Mark and I would run into each other at random times. It’s one of the perks of living in a small town. We would flirt and it was fun. Mainly innocent as I really didn’t know much about him. But he intrigued me. He was unpredictably predictable and I liked that about him. He was a very structured, responsible guy and then he would also do something to throw me off. I guess I tend to be the same way so I appreciated it. It kept things exciting. One of the times we ran into each other, he just randomly asked me what I was doing and suggested we go get some food and drinks. Right then and there. I’m not sure if I had anything going on or not but I told him I was down. I like to try and act laid back even if I’m not- fake it until you make it right? I’m so awkward sometimes haha.

He was such a gentleman. Old fashioned and chivalrous. Sigh, my weakness. I got up to use the restroom and when I came back he had already paid the bill. I don’t care how much a feminist you are, I’ve yet to meet a girl who doesn’t like to be taken care of even if she can take care of herself. Plus it’s easier for me to respect a guy who can take charge and get stuff done. If you can handle me, you’re a rarity;-).

We went out a few more times and would text. Nothing too heavy, not too light. Well, maybe too light as I look back on it. I normally don’t post about my dates on Facebook but we were going to a concert that I was super excited about and of course I wanted to brag. This was what got me in trouble and this was also what saved me. I updated my status and tagged him in it. Is that wrong to do? Apparently. Actually not really. He seemed fine with it at the time but then he started to pull away some. This always bothers me- communicate people! Maybe this is a fault of mine- I don’t know but I wanted to know what happened. I wanted some answers. So I pushed.

I just looked through our old messages and I must say I am the epitome of John Mayer’s lyric “it’s better to say too much than to never say what you need to say.” Story.of.my.life. I wonder what I am thinking sometimes when I send messages. No, I know what I’m thinking- I’m thinking exactly what I write and that’s what gets me in trouble sometimes. Mark was being evasive and I wanted to know why. I had suspicions that he had a girlfriend but he had told me he didn’t. I always trust people until they give me a reason not to and even though I’ve been burned by this numerous times, I still think it’s a good principle to live by. The right one will deserve my trust and I don’t want to give him anything less.

Mark and I did end up meeting again but I never got the answers I was looking for. He shied away from my direct questions but I already knew even if I didn’t want to face it at the time. The girl Mark had been seeing prior to us dating starting posting stuff of the two of them. I would notice him on my newsfeed every now and then as their relationship progressed to “FBO”, to engaged, to now married. Mark and I would talk off and on via text and still ran into each other. I’d try to ask nonchalant questions about his relationship but those were the only questions he avoided. Part of me just wanted him to admit it but he didn’t until he got engaged. I sent him a text saying congratulations and asked if it was to the girl he had dated prior to me. He said it was. Finally. He knew. And I knew but at that time I didn’t really care anymore. I’m really proud of myself sometimes. I’ve been treated pretty badly but I always still love the person for some reason. You can’t make yourself love- you either have it or you don’t. I don’t allow myself to be taken advantage of but I was there for him when his dad wasn’t doing well, when he needed advice on certain things, and needed help professionally. I was always there and I really didn’t care. I was happy to help, to make a difference, and show him what love was. It makes me think of that scripture:

“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” -Luke 6:32-36

And you know what boggles my mind the most? After all of this, the two things I don’t understand and probably never will is why he went back to her and why she accepted him back. Mutual friends once told me how he had talked about her and how he didn’t love her but it was just comfortable and easy for him. Why would you marry someone you don’t love? And her- why do girls go back to a guy if they have already been rejected? One of the best things about being in a relationship is being loved. If you don’t want me, you are no longer attractive to me- does that make sense or am I the only one that thinks this way? The last thing I want to do is convince someone to be with me. I do wish them the best. I hope they both fall madly in love with each other. I hope they grow to be more than partners and a good arrangement. There is so much more depth to a relationship I desire and I know I won’t settle until I find it even if it’s not important to the rest of the world.

signature

photo credit: Picture Me Married Photography – Ashley Palmero – Ring Shot via photopin (license)

How to recognize temptation

Posted on by

temptation

It’s been a week since I started lent (gave up dating and secular music) and began my online devotional (shereadstruth.com) and all I can say is wow. I’ve been wrecked. And it’s been tough. I didn’t think it would be but I’ve been able to learn a lot about myself which I hope to write more on at the end of this journey. The not listening to secular music has been easier and I’ve actually really enjoyed the times alone with God and just worshipping Him while driving. I didn’t realize how much those short times have an impact on my life and my day. The no dating hasn’t been hard in and of itself but it’s challenged me. Not only am I not dating, I am also trying not to engage with guys- flirting and what not. This has been the hard part. There are still a few guy friends I talk to and hang out with but even this has lessened for me. If I’m completely honest with myself, I didn’t realize how much I use guys to feed my ego. The attention is addicting and I am definitely suffering from withdrawals. I like it though because it’s pushed me to God- where I get real love rather than fleeting moments of counterfeit satisfaction. And those moments are what leave me speechless and in awe of God’s amazing love for me.

I don’t know if it’s me or the study, but I keep progressively getting more out of each of my day’s study and quiet time. Normally I’ll post a snippet of what I got out of the day’s study on my Instagram but yesterday’s was so much that I decided to do a blog post.

Matthew 4:1-11. This was part of the reading yesterday and it is probably one of my most favorite passages. It’s the time when Jesus goes to fast and pray alone for 40 days. Just Him and God. And this is when the devil comes to tempt, as well. While reading these scriptures, I noticed a theme in the way the devil attacked Jesus that I think is very real and applicable to how he attacks and tempts us today. I believe if we can be proactive and more aware then we can better avoid the temptations that come our way. The scripture says to be as wise as serpents and as innocent as doves. The devil is sneaky and will slide into your life with any opening you give him. Hopefully what I learned can help you in your walk with the Lord as much as it’s helped me.

  1. Lusts of the flesh. He will attack you where you are the weakest. Do you know where your weak areas are? Do you know what tends to keep you away from God? That is where the devil will try to come in. Jesus had just fasted for 40 days and what does the devil try to get Him to do? Turn stones into bread for food. Hunger was what Jesus was feeling at that time. He must have been starving. And there is where satan decided to try and swoop in. Guard against your weak areas.
  2. To take advantage of God’s goodness. For Christians, the so called “good Christians, this one can be easy to miss. The second temptation Jesus received was to throw Himself down because God promises to protect us. Wow. Have you ever been in a situation you know you shouldn’t have been in or done something you know you shouldn’t have because you knew God would love you anyway? Because you knew He would forgive you? This insight pierced my heart as I realized how spoiled I have acted at times.
  3. Me>God instead of God>me. The last attempt the devil uses to tempt Jesus is to try and get Jesus to love Himself more than God. This is where our humility and humbleness is so important. Do we trust God enough to know that He loves us? To know that He knows and wants what’s best for us more than we do? And what I believe is most important- do we love God enough to keep Him first when we are tempted to put our desires and wants (for the moment) ahead of Him? This would be a no brainer if we really could even fathom how much the God of the universe loves us but it doesn’t keep the devil from trying.

I encourage you to spend some time to dwell on those three areas and see what God shows you. The part I love most about this short passage is the last verse “ then the devil left Him…” The devil will leave. The devil is no match for our God but we have to make sure we are utilizing the power of God. I have to draw close to the Lord everyday to be strengthened. I have no shame in acknowledging that I am totally dependent on Him. He is what makes life worth living and His love is what keeps me smiling. Continue to change my heart, Lord. My flesh may fight but oh how my soul yearns for You.

signature

Beauty from ashes: my first year celebrating lent and what I’m doing

Posted on by
lent
I’ve never celebrated lent before. Growing up Baptist, I always assumed it was a Catholic thing because we never talked about it. I remember one time telling a girl that she had something on her face (I thought I was being nice and looking out for her) and she quickly told me it was ashes for Ash Wednesday. Whoops. I’ve never been too good about that. All I really knew was that people gave up something prior to Easter and then went on with their normal lives afterwards. I didn’t see much of a change; I didn’t see much of an impact. Sometimes I actually felt like it was kind of depressing. Several people this year have told me that instead of giving up something for lent, they’ve decided to add something positive instead. I thought that was pretty cool.
I recently joined an online women’s devotional community called shereadstruth.com Wow! It has been such a blessing in my life. I just finished their Esther study and today begins their lent study. In addition to the online community of wonderful ladies doing it, I have some personal friends doing the study with me. I am really excited about growing closer to God. It’s always funny to me when people think being a Christian is boring. My life has been anything but boring and I always look forward to what God has in store for me next. He makes me so happy:)
For those that don’t know, lent starts approximately six weeks before Easter Sunday and lasts for 40 days. Actually it’s 47 days because they don’t count Sundays. The 40 days symbolize the 40 days of fasting Jesus did in the wilderness before He began His public ministry. I think what is important to note about that time is that it was just Him and God- and that’s what I’m hoping for my 40 days to entail. I’m just trying to rid myself of distractions that tend to limit my time with Christ. As the study stated this morning, lent is like a pause button. A time to stop and reflect on who we are and what we are doing. Life has a funny way of keeping us busy for the sake of just keeping us busy. But what are we really doing with our lives? We came from dust and to dust we will return.
So what am I giving up? I think we all know what distracts us most so it will be different for all of us. For me, I decided to give up dating and secular music. Dating in the sense that I’m not going to really worry about going out or engaging with men. It’s not that I go out with guys a lot now but they do take up a lot of my free time- either through my actions, communications, or thoughts. Instead of worrying about those relationships, I am going to focus on my relationship with God. Instead of talking with guys, I’m going to focus on spending more time with Jesus. This will be more of a mind and heart issue. I want to be very intentional. In regards to secular music, I often listen to it when I am driving and I just want to be more aware during this time. It’s a lot of quiet time I have. And I’d rather spent it with God honestly. In silence. Listening to worship music. Or listening to podcasts. Praying. We often use the excuse that we don’t have enough time for this or that but the truth is, we all get the same 24 hours in a day. We just need to learn how to use that time more wisely.
I think it’s important to note what this time before Easter is about and what it can do for your life. It’s not about giving up something just to give it up. It’s not about adding something to your life so you can feel like a better person. It’s not that giving up dating or secular music will automatically make me closer to God but the purposeful and intentional acts will serve as a constant reminder of what matters most in my life. For me, it will be a time to really dwell on what Jesus Christ did for us. To remember our sin and our humanity- to remember my desperate need for Jesus. I think we take Him for granted sometimes. But I just want to focus on my love and all His goodness. Not that I don’t already but I want to give Him extra time and how wonderful is it that so many others are doing it too. I’d love for all of us to support one another as we venture into falling more in love with the man who died for us. What a wonderful honor. I’d love to know what you are giving up and please feel free to follow my daily updates on instagram @thevirginheartbreaker. Keep me near the cross Lord, that I may never forget the love you have poured out for me.
signature