The time you gave up on us

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“I’m done.” I’m pretty sure I’ll never forget these two little words. It’s amazing how six letters can cut so deep. I don’t think I’ve ever said these words to someone before and I don’t think I ever could. There’s just something so finite about it- not to mention the pain they cause.

I remember you telling me the one thing your ex said to you you’ve always remembered. “I don’t know if I can do this anymore.” The time you needed her most, she was giving up. And it hurt you so. Years later. To this day you still remember it so vividly. Yet, here you are- in the same situation. But it’s me you are hurting this time. Does it feel better being on that end? With tears streaming down my face as I write this, I can still say confidently that I don’t think it’s better on that end. Because at the end of the day, I get to say I tried. I get to say I never gave up. I was willing to try. I was willing to fight but I don’t have to carry this burden anymore.

“I’m done.” Two such painful words that give me the power and strength to move on. To know I’m not missing out or losing anything. Because you see, the guy for me won’t ever give up. He will fight. Not for me but for us. He will pursue. He will hold on in the worst of times. Because that’s me and that’s what I would do. That’s what I’ve always done.

I think one of the most beautiful things about marriage and relationships is how they are just a small glimpse of how God loves us and chases us and never gives up on us. Our relationship could never be that.

I realize now you never really saw me. You just saw what I could do for you. Because you don’t treat people you love this way. You just can’t. You wondered why it was so hard for me to open up to you and trust. Do you understand why now? You may have heard me but you never listened. It was always my fault. I was never good enough. You always thanked me for being such a great encourager and supporter yet I could never say the same about you. Shoot, a few hours before saying you were done you thanked me. Do guys really expect women to follow and trust them when you treat them this way? You did. Ladies will only follow a guy if the guy has their best interest at heart. That’s biblical. Why do we forget it’s a two way street?

But I trusted you from the get go. And you also broke that trust from the get go. I never gave up though. Maybe it was my fault for thinking we could work through it. Maybe I was naïve in thinking I could learn to trust you again. It’s a process but that doesn’t stop us from growing impatient. My gut knew there was something wrong. Why does it take so long for my actions to catch up with my gut? This is definitely not what I want. I was still willing to try. But here you go, breaking the trust yet again. I don’t understand how people think it’s okay to treat others this way. We are set way too far back now so maybe it’s a good thing you’re done. Even though I know you aren’t really. But we are done. And that’s on you, not me.

photo credit: The Panda And the Bear – 11 via photopin (license)

This one guy is really making me nervous

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Wow this is sooo new to me and I don’t even know how to navigate these unchartered territories. I met this guy a few weeks back and for someone who is always confident and on their A game, I have completely crumbled inside. I think I’m doing okay and holding my own outwardly but boy, I don’t think he has any idea how nervous he makes me feel. My saving grace is that he is just as nervous, yet he isn’t so good at hiding it:p Let me explain…

I will give him props for getting my number and initiating our first date. In that area, he is absolutely fantastic. Well mannered, polite, and I think what gets me most flustered (besides his good looks;), is that he values things about me that no one has valued before. It’s different and I like it. I think there is something comforting about someone valuing you in areas that truly make you who you are- your heart, your love, your compassion, your courage. Don’t get me wrong, I love to be called beautiful and I’m glad people appreciate my jokes. But those are silly things when you really think about it. Who I am in so much deeper. And having someone actually recognize things about me that I didn’t think people noticed, well it’s a feeling I’ve never had before.

I’m concerned because I don’t want my emotions to get the best of me before I actually get to know him, ya know? But I am really enjoying our time together. We have great, awkward chemistry, which makes our talks together absolutely unique. Half the time I don’t think we realize what we just said. I’ve stuttered. My comments have made no sense whatsoever. And we will do absolutely anything and it’s fun just because we enjoy being around each other. It’s weird, we were raised similar yet different. Very different pasts- which make both of us intriguing to one another. I told him I was going to have a start writing down things he says because the words he chooses sometimes are extremely comical.

I’m not sure where this is going but I do know two things. One, I’m guarding my heart. And two, I’m loving without fear. Some people may think that’s an oxymoron but it’s not. Praying for God to give me guidance and direction because I’m truly lost without Him. I know He’ll show me just like He always does.

I’ll have to tell you more about our dates (very entertaining) and his character next time! Off to make more memories!

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photo credit: Amber & Brandon via photopin (license)

My biggest influences on my no-sex-before-marriage stance: teen years

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I’ve been asked numerous times about my beliefs. Everyone that knows me knows the three things I get most passionate about are God, relationships, and politics. I can seriously talk for hours on any of those. Whether you are curious or simply looking for possible resources to use, I decided to do a mini series on what has influenced me the most in regards to remaining abstinent until marriage. I would like to preface this with the fact that everything I will talk about will all be supplemental as my one and only reason needed stems from love and respect for God and His rules. I know that everything He says is only for my benefit and I trust Him. As I’ve grown through the years, everything I’ve come across in regards to saving sex for marriage just confirmed my decision and showed me why God desires for us to share that level of intimacy with the one we choose to spend the rest of our lives with.

A book. A speaker. A movie.

I Kissed Dating Goodbye

This was an extremely popular book at the time. I also had the biggest crush on the author, Joshua Harris. I honestly don’t remember too much about the book but it primarily focused on giving up on the traditional way of dating and trying a new method. He talked a lot about what happens in the current dating culture of what I like to refer to as mutually using relationships. It’s very me-centered rather than other-centered and that’s why Josh proposes a different idea.

I must confess, I did not read the entire book. He talked a lot about the idea of courtship which I’m not really sure where I stand on it yet. I think it depends on one’s age honestly and I don’t really think there is a one size fits all method. What I appreciated most about this book was the encouragement I received that there are others out there who do live their lives against the grain- right up my alley;-)

Pam Stenzel

Oh my gosh. I absolutely loved listening to this lady. She was a firecracker. Pam is an abstinence spokeswoman and I just had to look her up because it’s probably been 10 years since I’ve listened to her! She talked a lot about the consequences of sex that I don’t think younger girls hear sometimes. She talked about both the physical and emotional effects which I wish were talked about more. Why isn’t it talked about more?! I either hear people talk about it like it’s no big deal or people just won’t talk about it. Relationships are one of the most important things in life and I think we can all agree sex is a part of that. Why is it so taboo? Blah. End rant. Anyway, one of my favorite things Pam said and something that has always stuck with me whenever I’ve been weak or tempted was something to encourage women. It was in response to a sexually active girl making fun of a virgin (because we all know it happens) and the response was simply “Any day I can choose to be just like you but you can never again be like me.” Wow. And I don’t say this to be arrogant or pretend like my purity is some type of badge that makes me better than anyone else. But what I do wish is that people did value it more. Treasured it. Held on to it. Because honestly I just feel people don’t and it breaks my heart. It is so valuable. And so special. And people are doing everything they can to make you think otherwise.

Pamela’s Prayer

This movie had such an impact on my life. I think it’s what keeps me going sometimes with my own vision and ideas. To know that someone’s idea or vision changed the whole course of my life. Maybe, just maybe, I can make that kind of impact on someone else’s life. This movie followed the life of a young girl. But once again, only one thing stood out to me from this move: she wanted to have her first kiss on her wedding day. I thought this was the coolest idea and decided to make the same commitment right then and there.

I do have a funny story about this. I did acting in high school and when I was 16 I got the lead at our local theater and was Snow White. Side note, I still wish I could be a famous actress. Anyway, I’m sure all of us know what happens toward the end of the story- Snow White gets a kiss from the prince while she is “dead” and then she magically comes alive and they live happily ever after. All throughout rehearsals the prince would kiss me on the cheek. Well, at our final dress rehearsal I was lying down dead, covered head to toe under the sheet, when the director tells the prince to go ahead and give me a real kiss this time. Sometimes I do things without thinking all the way through and this was one of those times. I immediately shot up and said “No no noooo!” Everyone started laughing and then giving him a hard time thinking I just rejected him but I tried to say that wasn’t the case. It turned out to be a funny moment and we agreed on a stage kiss- essentially he kissed me close to my mouth and it was no big deal. Always a fun memory though.

I wish I could say I stuck to my ‘no kiss until my wedding’ idea but I can’t. I have kissed one guy and I only did because I thought I was going to marry him at that time. I haven’t since and I’m very of glad. It’s not that I think there is anything wrong with kissing necessarily, but it helps me to focus on what matters most to me and keeps me from getting emotionally attached to guys I’m attracted to but don’t really like. It is my hope that the next guy I kiss will be my husband.

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Dating, Marriage, and Sex: Part 2- How do you date

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So as I mentioned in my previous post Dating, Marriage, and Sex: Part One- What to look for when looking for marriage, I’m currently working on a series inspired from Ben Stuart’s Sex and Dating series. I previously wrote on a general guideline of what to look for when dating. I am not a fan of checklists by any means; I have actually found that the more I date, the more I realize I have no clue what I want or need in a relationship. I’m thankful God knows me better than I know myself and that I don’t have the burden of that decision. But those guidelines serve as a reminder of foundational things that will remind you of what matters when our emotions may try to get the best of us.

For this post, I want to focus on general principles to consider when you actually begin dating someone you are interested in. I think sometimes we might get excited about someone or jump right in that we forget our whole purpose and intent behind our dating in the first place. Once again, I won’t say these must be followed to a tee or else you are doomed for failure but I do think that by keeping these ideas in mind, you can save yourself a lot of heartache, use your time more wisely, and prevent yourself from getting hurt and hurting others.

1) Date with clarity. Be intentional. Be purposeful. COMMUNICATE. I cannot stress this one enough. We often hear that communication is one of the top attributes to look for in the opposite sex. But what does that even mean? I think we use the word so often that we forget its value. God is not the author of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33). He is not all about these games that we either intentionally or unintentionally play- you’re in control if you care less, it’s their turn to text, I want him to know I like him but I don’t want to appear desperate and the list goes on and on. STOP IT. It’s not healthy and it’s not right.

I see so many relationships that are gray and leave people guessing. How better would we all be if we could just be honest about our feelings with each other? We need to stop leading people on and we need to stop playing with people’s hearts. They are valuable and they are sacred. Be clear with how you feel. If you are only looking for a friendship, say that. If you don’t know what you want, you may need to figure that out on your own rather than at the expense of other people’s hearts.

I’m as independent as they come, but I am a firm believer in the guy being very clear with their actions and intentions. If the guy will be leading our family and home one day, he needs to be able to lead in our relationship. When things are left to chance and guessing, it’s a breeding ground for insecurities.

Guys: If you are interested in a girl, tell her. If you don’t see her that way, tell her. If you are spending a lot of time talking to her, especially about spiritual stuff, she is going to think you are interested in her. She shouldn’t have to guess what your guys’ relationship is.

Girls: Be patient. We also tend to jump the gun and try to initiate things but it’s important that we encourage men to be men. But don’t play hard to get either; you can let them know you are interested but don’t rush things. Patience is a virtue;-)

Oh and this whole asking each other’s friends what’s up thing has got to stop. Talk to each other about your honest feelings. If this is done appropriately with open communication from the beginning, a lot of pain and wasted time can be avoided. We have to remember that we will meet lots of awesome people but we will only marry one. Keep it in perspective. Just because someone is wrong for you, doesn’t mean they are a bad person. Be open to healthy friendships with brothers and sisters in Christ.

2) Date with autonomy. Leading off of the whole brothers and sisters in Christ thing, we must remember that is what we are with each other until we are married. We need to respect one another and love one another with Christ’s love. While dating, both people need to have the freedom to make their own choices- YOU ARE NOT MARRIED YET SO STOP ACTING LIKE IT. Sorry, this one really gets me. Dating is a time to see if you are right for each other so you need to be free to go where God is calling you. It is a very scary thing if you start ignoring God for the sake of who you are dating.

Now, I am not saying be selfish here by any means but you need to have the freedom to make your own decisions. You are not married to the person yet. You cannot force the other person to do anything. If you are already finding yourself changing (and not for the better) because of the relationship, you need to seriously evaluate if this is what you want for the rest of your life. Too many people act like they are already bonded to the person before marriage but you aren’t. Side note, another reason to leave sex out of it. Remember- married people will do married people things- you aren’t there yet.

3) Date with purity. Nothing clouds your vision quite like your hormones do. I cannot tell you how many relationships I’ve seen that only lasted as long as they did because of sex or physical intimacy. This is no joke and it disgusts me how our culture today is doing everything it can to make us believe that you can separate sex and it just be physical. It’s never just physical. I promise you that. Unless you have no heart and are a robot, physical intimacy creates an indescribable bond between two people. If this wasn’t the case, sexual molestation and rape would be things we can just get over as we would if someone punched us in the face but it’s not the same. It has an effect on us in more ways than we know. The point is, it is there and we can’t just lie to ourselves and pretend it isn’t for temporary feelings of satisfaction.

The more your relationship grows in Christ, the more you realize why God tells us to save that special kind of intimacy with our spouse. Putting off the physical aspects in a relationship is beneficial in so many ways. This is potentially someone else’s spouse and you must remember that. If you leave the physical aspects out, I would say you have a greater chance of being friends in the event it doesn’t work out. One of the best reasons I appreciate and value about leaving the physical stuff out is the fact that it allows me to see if I really like the person for who they are. And ultimately, that is what matters most.

You hear so many people say they want a best friend, yet their actions show otherwise. In order to make sure the friendship is there, you have to leave the physical stuff out of it for awhile otherwise it may just be physical attraction binding the two of you. And as I already mentioned, that physical bond is tight and strong but it’s not healthy if that’s all there is. It’s dangerous and damaging. I have many friends that are having issues getting over their exes and I firmly believe the physical relationship is what is hindering the healing process the most.

Save your body for your spouse. It’s such a precious and priceless gift. I can’t wait to give that gift to my husband someday. He is so worth the wait.

4) Date with wisdom. In some ways this ties to dating with purity. God gave us the desire to want to have sex so I’m not going to pretend it’s not there. However, he did intend for it to be shared between a husband and wife. Therefore, I believe it’s our job to be wise and not put ourselves in situations that would be too tempting. This will look different for each of us. You may need to find ways to be private in public. If you are going to date alone, do it in public. This is especially true for younger people who are dating, in my opinion. Don’t expedite the romance and put yourself in a situation that may be too big for you to handle.

Be wise. We all know where our weakness is. For me, it’s the unknown and going along with however the guy is leading and I know this. Therefore, I tend to be upfront in where I stand in the beginning in regards to the physical aspects of a relationship to avoid any confusion, hurt, or misplaced rejection. I don’t believe in kissing early on in the relationship. For me, it would be easy for that to lead to other things, as well as already makes me emotionally attached so I typically am upfront about my thoughts on that and explain why. There are no expectations and it allows us to have a great time and really get to know each other.

5) Date with community. Have others watch the relationship. Make sure you have an accountability partner so you can stay on track. Dating can be hard and tough and confusing. You need someone objective watching. When we are attracted to someone, it is easy for us to go down the path of making excuses for them.

6) Date with patience. I cannot stress this enough. It’s okay to look toward the future and start seeing whether or not you could spend the rest of your life with someone based on your relationship. We all do it. But why do we live in such an instant gratification society? Don’t rush forever. Don’t rush each other. And don’t place too much pressure on each other either. I’m not saying allow yourself to be used but it takes a long time to really get to know someone. Be patient. Enjoy each other. Laugh. Have deep talks. Socialize in groups. Work on projects together. Time always tells. You’ll either grow closer together or further apart.

7) Date with perspective. While who you marry is one of the biggest decisions you will ever make in your life, it’s not the most important. God has a plan for your life. Pray and trust Him. We were created for something bigger than our marriage. Each one of us has a unique purpose. Focus on God and your passions, He’ll take care of the rest if you let Him. God has a perfect plan for your life- do you trust Him?

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” –Psalm 37:4

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” –Matthew 6:33

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” –Jeremiah 29:11

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To the girl who regrets waiting until marriage for sex

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There is an article going around about a woman who waited until her wedding night to lose her virginity and how she wished didn’t. If you are interested in reading it, it can be found here. One of my friends sent it to me and as I was thinking about my thoughts regarding it, I decided to make them into a blog post as a means to hopefully clarify what I believe went wrong.

I first want to start off by saying her sex life sounded awful. It breaks my heart and is certainly not how God intended it. Sex is a great thing. God created it and it is talked about and encouraged in the Bible several times. To me, it represents a whole new level of intimacy that I hope to share with the man I love as I get to be vulnerable and allow him to love me on a deeper level as well. I look forward to this day. It is beautiful and wonderful… IF you have a proper understanding of why God designed sex and if shared with the right person. And therein lies the problem. Her problems started before her wedding. Her problems began before she even met her husband. They started when she was a kid.

  1. Samantha stated that she decided to save herself for marriage because she believed that true love waits. Why? What does that even mean? How is it true love if you wait and not if you don’t? My feeling is that she didn’t know the answers to these questions. There are so many benefits to waiting until marriage to have sex and there are no cons if you truly marry the one God has for you. It is so easy to bring additional problems into the marriage and then blame God’s rules for them. One of my favorite pastors, Andy Stanley, once said there are no such things as marriage problems, just single people problems that get brought into the marriage and I couldn’t agree more. If there is one thing I have learned, it’s that God wants what is best for us more than anyone in this world could ever want. He would not withhold anything good from us. And just because we may not understand exactly why at the time, if we have a true relationship with Jesus, He will show us why. Sometimes I’m okay with just trusting God because I know He loves me, other times I ask Him to show me things and I actually put some effort into finding the answers and He does show me.
  2. 10 years old. She made a big deal about how she was too young to make the pledge at that age. I don’t think this is too young given our culture today. Maybe it was too young for her though and the proper age may be different given your specific environment. I doubt this had much effect, however.
  3. What her church taught was a lie. What scriptures did they use? Sex is for married people and it is sinful and dirty outside of marriage. You should want to remain pure for your husband, but because you love him not just because you don’t want to go to hell. I’m sorry but if you do or don’t do anything because you don’t want to go to hell, that is really selfish and not about love at all. And God’s number one commandment is love. There was no love in her church or interpretation of it. And just to be clear, the responsibility to remain pure is the same for both women and men. I have nooo idea where her church got the idea that men weren’t held to the same standard. This sounds more like a legalistic cult rather than a loving church.
  4. Your virginity should never be your identity but an action that follows as a result of who you are and what your identity really is in Christ. Samantha noted that it did become her identity and that was another problem. No wonder she couldn’t enjoy sex. If you lose what you are dependent on for your identity of course nothing good is going to come as a result. My life would be over if I lost Christ. He defines me. I would be lost without Him. But it’s Him that defines me, never my virginity.
  5. Why the heck would she feel dirty, wrong, or sinful having sex with her husband?! It sounds like she was taught that sex in general was bad and it’s not. It’s great. And it’s best when shared with the person you decided to spend the rest of your life with and make that commitment. You should only ever feel that way if you give away part of yourself to the wrong person. I can’t wait to have sex and it will be enjoyable (after the initial pain;) with the right person- awful with the wrong one because you do give away a part of yourself and it’s extremely scary if it’s not the right person. It also sounds like she didn’t trust her husband enough to be open with him during this. I would never marry someone I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to about these things. There were definitely some communication issues. This would not have been solved by having sex a bunch prior to marriage. I will say sometimes people rush marriage because they are waiting until marriage for sex, as well. This is never good either. I don’t know what their motive for getting married was, but sometimes lust is the main reason. That will never end well if that’s the case.
  6. She had religion but not a relationship. Her view of God was so incredibly wrong. I cannot stress this enough- you do not remain pure because you don’t want to go to hell or want God to bless your marriage! These were her reasons mentioned. You do it because you love God and you love your future spouse. Am I the only one that sees this? I don’t do nice things because I don’t want to be treated badly by people; I do them because I love and care about people. When you truly move from following a set of rules and guidelines and start developing a loving relationship with Christ, your whole life changes and that’s why they call it being born again.

This article truly broke my heart because she was not able to fully enjoy sex, or make love as I prefer to call it, because she was never really shown what Christ’s love was all about. Please don’t forget that just because someone goes to church or says they are a Christian doesn’t mean they really are. It goes much deeper than that. I truly hope she realizes one day that her problem wasn’t the fact that she didn’t sleep around before marriage, but that she never had a proper relationship with Christ of knowing how much He truly loves her.

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photo credit: Georgie Pauwels via photopin cc

Why the virgin heartbreaker?

I honestly didn’t think it would be as tough as it is. When I first thought of the name the virgin heartbreaker several years ago, I thought it was the best idea ever. I thought it was catchy, I thought it would get people to think about what it meant- I thought it would stand out. And stand out is what I want to do. I’m not going to lie, it is a bit awkward to say sometimes especially to people who know me but not that well. Surprise, they are going to know a lot more about me than maybe they wanted to now. I don’t think some people know how to respond when I tell them; mainly because it’s somewhat taboo to talk about sex in certain settings. Other settings love to talk about it, but not in an abstinence way at all. I can’t tell you how many times I have been somewhere where sex has been talked about so openly, vulgarly, and casually. I look for opportunities to share why I have chosen to wait until marriage to have sex but sometimes I refrain if the setting isn’t as appropriate. But then someone asks or makes a comment, completely oblivious, and I have to tell them and then the whole group gets quiet. Why does no one know what to say? Is it something that is so rare in our generation, for someone my age? I get the standard response “oh wow, that’s awesome that you are doing that,” but it doesn’t seem sincere, from most at least. No one wants to talk about it.

For a majority of the people, they don’t get it nor want to get it. If they stop and think about it, they might feel convicted or guilty- maybe they’ll realize they should stop having sex so casually. Did God have something better in mind when he created sex? There’s always at least one in a setting I am in that thinks about it- that didn’t realize people still lived like that. And those are the moments I love. Our culture has done its best to desensitize us to thinking that one of the most sacred and highest forms of love can be dwindled down into a one-night stand. Not only that but lead you to believe there is nothing wrong with it and that it doesn’t come with any consequences. It truly breaks my heart because once you give your virginity away to someone, you never get it back. And for me, I hope to one day give that sacred gift away to my husband.

I didn’t have sex when I was younger because my mom told me not to. She told me that God wanted me to save that for marriage and that it’s supposed to be only something shared between a husband and wife. I trusted my mom so much that that was enough for me at that age. I knew she loved me and wanted what was best for me- so if I was really missing out on something great she wouldn’t keep that from me. That was enough for me at that time. Trust and innocence is such a beautiful thing. How great is it to feel so loved that you don’t even have to question something. To know that just because you don’t understand something at the time doesn’t mean you have to fight it. Oh how I wish people would trust God that same way sometimes. We always need to have a reason why for everything we are told today. There is no trust. There is no faith. There is no hope. I am thankful that my heart for God is ahead of my brain. God’s love for me is so unfailing that I oftentimes find myself solely relying on Him and trusting Him. And while in my teen years, I didn’t have sex just because He told me not to, I have learned the why. My dad got me this Christian fish ring for my 17th birthday and it has been my purity ring ever since.

purityringFor me, this serves as a constant reminder that Jesus is my first love and that I will fight for my purity so I can one day give that to my husband. It is so easy to try and justify having sex in today’s society and while it may be great for the moment (our instant gratification society), God has something so much better in mind for us all. There were so many times where I have been tempted to go too far with a guy just because of my emotions and feelings in the moment but it’s always later that I look back and am so grateful that I never did because honestly they never deserved that part of me. That part is for my husband and he is worth the wait. What a wonderful gift I hope to give him someday.

But back to the actual name. The name the virgin heartbreaker randomly hit me many years ago when thinking about my many failed attempts toward finding true love. Who would have thought that someone who didn’t have sex could break so many hearts? Breaking hearts is not something I am proud of but it happens when you have two people that care about each other. The virgin in the name is there to make a point. I am a virgin and while that seems to have more negative than positive connotations in today’s society for a girl my age, I will continue to make a stand and encourage others to do the same. I chose to use the word heartbreaker because unfortunately the term virgin is often coupled with someone who nobody wants to have sex with, not that they purposely chose to remain abstinent. I don’t say this arrogantly at all, but I have had to say no to many guys and “break their hearts” when society would have you to believe that no one would like/love you if you don’t have sex with them. This is simply not true. The only people you miss out on are the ones looking for hook-ups rather than commitment and I don’t think anyone truly wants that anyway. So the name is simply what it is in hopes to start discussion and encourage others to know that you don’t have to engage in sex in order to get a guy. In fact, I challenge you not to and to remember that at any time you can give your virginity away, but never again can you get it back. Fight for your purity. It is so worth the wait.

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