Tag Archives: virgin

4 signs he has no intentions of marrying you

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One of my friends recently updated her profile picture. It was a picture of herself… Alone. Without Steven. Where was the picture of her and him? They have been in a relationship for 8 years!!! I decide to creep; I click on her profile to see no existence of Steven. No sign of their relationship. How do you erase 8 years of your life like that?! Maybe you can on social media but it’s much harder to erase them from your heart. I have a love/hate relationship with these scenarios; part of me is like “aha, I was right” because I somehow can see these things coming but then the harsh reality sets in and I’m extremely sad. Heartbreak is never something to be happy about. I normally brush these off and move forward but this is like the 5th relationship I’ve seen severed within the past month! I can’t help but wonder if I’m the only one that sees this. I wonder if these girls see the warning signs but choose to look the other way. I know I’ve done that. Emotional attachment is one of the strongest forces I’ve felt. I hope you’ll keep this post around when you are in a relationship. Not as 100% factual but as something to consider when you are struggling with a current relationship, current feelings.

  1. You aren’t visible. When I’m with him, I don’t see you. And this is manifested in several different ways. He doesn’t really talk about you. It’s hard to know whether or not he is even in a relationship. He doesn’t do his best to include you in his events. Social media has made this a little difficult, as well, because some people are more private with their relationship than others. But I’ll be honest, I don’t normally post much about a guy unless I’m ready to commit. You want someone who is proud of you. Someone who wants to show you off. Be sure you don’t make excuses for him.
  2. Marriage talk is taboo. He doesn’t like it when you mention marriage and insists on just enjoying the moment now. He doesn’t like to commit to any long term plans. Moving in together is not a step in the right direction either. One of my friends was ecstatic that she and her boyfriend were finally moving in together after ten years- she thought it was a step in the right direction but he was only trying to appease her a little longer which leads to the third sign…
  3. He appeases you. He will get creative to keep you calm. I like to call these “shut up” gifts; things to keep you quiet for awhile. He is basically going through the motions but his heart isn’t really in it. He doesn’t want to hurt your feelings and he likes you, but just not enough. You want a guy who will think about you constantly and buy you things and do things for you simply because he wants to. Because he knows how happy it’ll make you.
  4. He is easily distracted. Basically, he is interested in other people. You have to be on the lookout for this one. I remember being out one night with a group of friends and I started talking to this one guy who seemed rather flirty. I realized he had a girlfriend when she walked over! There is a fine line between being friendly and outgoing versus being flirty and interested in others.

These signs aren’t rocket science but it takes a lot for a man not to string a woman a long and a woman to know when to let go.

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Cheating doesn’t shock us anymore, faithfulness does

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I was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed this morning and an article jumped out at me “… Husband got a sext from their nanny- and his response is perfect!” I was intrigued. As I started reading, it was what you’d expect- nanny waits until wife is away to deceptively try to come onto the husband. The husband told her no and fired her. That’s it. Talk about anti-climatic. Nothing exciting, nothing crazy. The husband simply didn’t sleep with the nanny.

Is this really what our society has come to? Are we glorifying and praising people for actually keeping their commitments? Are we living in a culture where wedding vows have simply become good intentions rather than faithful promises?

I think it was Chris Rock who said in one of his stand-up acts “men are only as faithful as their options.” What does this even mean? I think it goes back the belief that people are inherently bad. And by bad, I mean that given the right circumstances, we will do what’s best for us. And this idea of care, love, and integrity come into play if it’s convenient. But we don’t like to talk about that. And we certainly don’t want to admit it. But it’s there. Dig deep enough, analyze a little more and you’ll see it. Your natural tendency is to look out for number one.

Relativism seems to have latched onto our society today. This idea of “your truth” and “my truth” has slowly pushed away the notion of any absolute truth. And then we wonder why we reward what should be expected behavior. We question why there is so much pain, so many trust issues, so many broken relationships. When will we say enough is enough? When will we start taking ownership over our actions? People have become so consumed with wanting to do what they want to do, that in an attempt to justify our actions we have blurred the lines of right and wrong while losing any sense of consistency in our actions, respect for others, and peace in our lives.

But there’s still a few of you out there. Those that desire more. Where Christ has laid the foundation of your life and everything you do is built on that. You offer hope. You welcome faith. You welcome trust. Your actions stem from who God is rather that how you feel. Where your faithfulness lies not in your options but in your relationship with Christ. And because of this you offer a consistency that comforts us in ways we sometimes fail to recognize. Where temptation may still come but you have the realization of the destruction your actions could have on others, on your soul. But even if you didn’t know, even if you thought no harm would come, you still choose to do what’s right because your love and trust for God is that strong.

And while that type of love seems to be rare these days, people still chase it. Because of this, you have the power to help change this culture.

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February Fakes: Why I’d date an atheist over a “Christian” pt. 4 Charlie

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I expected this behavior from non-believers, I didn’t expect it from those that put the Christian label on their lives.

You flat out lied. Your life was a lie. How could I trust you? I gave you so many chances to come clean. I believed you. I chose to believe you. I wanted to believe you. The lies finally caught up with you and you couldn’t get out. That was when I had to walk away. I wish I could have sooner.

We had so many good discussions. Your personality drew me in. No one could make me laugh like you could. You grew up in a Christian home. Those are the ones that scare me most, I think. How do you know if someone is really saved or has just learned to act the part so well? Is it just part of his culture now and the only thing he knows? I don’t know. But I know it’s what kept me holding on for so long. I appreciated being able to talk to you in ways I couldn’t anyone else. You knew the church lingo, but did you know God? I wish I could describe it but some of the words that came out of your mouth, some of the stories you’d tell me didn’t sit well with me. Okay, actually they flat out hurt me. They took away my innocence. Did Christians really talk like this? Was it okay to joke like this? I was so naïve. But I really should have known better.

I think what bothered me most with you is that I felt you tried to hurt others too. Not physically but spiritually. Slowly defiling others to things of the world. Slowly desensitizing them to evil. You masked it so well though. You were sneaky. And you were good. I found a reason to justify every uncomfortable thing you did. But I finally couldn’t take it anymore.

I’ve experienced a lot that has bothered me and it’s easy to start questioning whether I’m just too picky. But it’s okay if there have been things that have bothered you too. I knew this series would be controversial and I knew some people wouldn’t like it. I want to be very clear here- I didn’t write these things to hurt anyone but I think it’s extremely scary (not to mention sad) when we stop addressing things that need to be said in fear of hurting someone’s feelings. I think deep down we all know the best friends we have are the ones that are honest with us the most. And that’s my goal with this blog- to be honest with you guys. To let you know it’s okay to question others. Because for so long I questioned myself instead. And I think we need to acknowledge that if we have the Holy Spirit, part of the benefits of having Him is recognizing Him in others. It’s not judging; it’s being aware. And when you don’t see Him in the one you’re dating, you already have your sign. So many times I held on with hope, when I should have just walked away.

Lastly, I want to clarify something. I would never date an atheist. I know in my Spirit I could never do it and it would never work. And that’s why the title of this past series was so powerful to me and struck some nerves in others. As much as I’d never see myself with an atheist, I could never be with any of the guys mentioned this past month. Because they’re not just living in sin- they are living in sin while claiming to be holy. How do you convince someone they are missing something they already think they have?

Read the entire series here: Intro Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

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February Fakes: Why I’d date an atheist over a “Christian” pt. 3 Gary

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February Fakes

I think I’ve realized there are two types of people: people that try to convince everyone (including themselves) that they are a certain type of person and then there are those people who just live. They don’t have time to be fake, they don’t have time to cookie cut a canned response. And they don’t want to. They feel. They live. Can we all just be? Apparently not.

Oh Gary, if only you knew how excited I was when you reached out to me with a desire to get to know me. I had hope, lots of hope for you and I. We had similar lives, similar morals, similar values. On top of all that we both had drive, passion, determination, and incorporated God into all aspects of our lives. I had so much respect for you- for who I thought you were. It was very rare for me to meet someone like you. Either I meet someone not so passionate about God but passionate about life or I meet someone passionate about God but without much ambition. You almost seemed too good to be true… oh wait.

Our earlier conversations were great but they were moving rather quickly- then you pulled back so I pulled back. I think we were both scared and rightfully so. You said you had been hurt before and so had I- we both didn’t want that to happen again. Things progressively got worse though.

I wish I could remember some of the things you said to me after that but I don’t think that’s as important as how you made me feel. The quote from Maya Angelou became so real in these moments- “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” It wasn’t what you said that bothered me- it was what you didn’t say that spoke volumes. It was like I couldn’t have a real conversation with you. I guess I didn’t want to see it at first but all of your responses were so fake. There was no depth to you. Your standard responses made me want to vomit. My desire for care was met with coldness. And I’m not talking about the coldness I’ve received before when getting the “cold shoulder.” I’m talking about a coldness you have no control over. I can’t really fault you for this because I know people can’t make themselves love. Sure, you can do nice things but you can’t actually love. Love is something you have no control over either.

This was a sad realization. It was like the person you said you were- the person you said you wanted to be and the person you actually were didn’t match up. You said you wanted a certain type of girl but you chased after another. I guess this could be the equivalent when women say they want a nice guy and then go out with the jerk. I don’t know. You know those people that say they will pray for you but don’t offer any help? Yea, that’s Gary.

You are the reason people shy away from Christianity. People expect Christians to be different but you’re not. You add on the prayer hands emoji, thank God for your accomplishments but that’s about it. We never really ended things- I think we both just knew. I wasn’t what you were looking for and you weren’t what I was looking for. But I think you’ve found what you’ve desired from the beginning. Someone famous, someone pretty, someone a little more “experienced”. That’s it. I thought you had desired more but I was wrong. I sincerely hope your praise Jesus hands become something more than an emoji on your phone someday.

Read previous posts in this series here: Intro, Part 1, Part 2

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February Fakes: Why I’d date an atheist over a “Christian” pt. 2 Tom

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February Fakes

You were the first guy I met I thought was too good for me. I didn’t know you’d end up being the worst guy I ever dated. We had met through mutual friends and it was fun flirting with you. I wasn’t attracted to you but I had just gotten out of a bad situation with a good-looking jerk and I told myself looks didn’t matter. When I saw how high your morals and values seemed to be, I told myself that was all I really wanted. Besides, I thought attraction could come with time. It didn’t. I wish that was the worst of it.

I remember when you called me up asking to do something together that weekend. I said yes and it would be our first time to hang out alone. I don’t like the word “date” but I guess that’s what this was. Why can’t there be a word for when you hangout with someone with no expectation? Because apparently there was expectation. You started calling me your girlfriend after our first date!!! This should have been a red flag but I chalked it up to lack of experience on your part. I always thought there was an element of sweetness in innocence, but yours was an innocence built on what you felt entitled to one day. Do you know those people that do so much good and then when people start to praise them for it they try to act like it wasn’t a big deal while eating it all up? Yea, that was Tom.

Things were okay at first. It was nice to have someone I felt I could trust, someone I believed to have a relationship with God. It wasn’t until we started to spend more time together and more time discussing the Bible that things got weird. I started putting pieces together and I was in so deep that I started to question whether or not my beliefs were right. It pains me to write that. You had studied the Bible more than I had so I was extremely confused. It wasn’t until later I realized you may have known the Bible better than me but you certainly didn’t know God more than I did.

For the most part, we agreed on scripture but certain things had me questioning other things. All of your family, all of your friends belonged to the same type of church. When I stated I went to a Baptist church, I got looks as if I was the devil. I was willing to look past that- after all you knew my beliefs from the beginning. And we did differ a little on certain scriptures. To me they weren’t major things even though they still bothered me. You agreed they weren’t major things, as well. You said we would work through them and that brought a sense of comfort to me at the time. I felt you valued my beliefs and loved me nonetheless; we would work through them- together. However, I didn’t know when you said we could work through our differences that meant I would have to change my beliefs to fit yours. That realization made for a rather rude awakening and a very painful day.

I didn’t realize how upset I was over this whole relationship until I started talking to my close friends and family about it- asking them if I was doing anything wrong. That’s how deep I had gotten. All of your friends and family tried to tell me how great you are. So part of me wanted to believe it. However, I had never felt so belittled, so less of a human than when I was with you. Of course there were good times. You did so many good things, it was hard for me to come to terms with the fact you weren’t a good person. Good works don’t make good people. Motives, love, the heart- that’s what matters.

I started to realize everything was calculated. Once I started opening my eyes, I started to see things more clearly. You would sacrifice, but you didn’t love. The scripture from Hosea became more real at this point- “For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.” -Hosea 6:6 When trying to work through this with you, I felt like I was talking to a stonewall. I couldn’t do this anymore. Everything I thought we had was built on hollow ground. I always feel there is hope for an atheist- maybe one day they will experience God’s love. But there is no hope with you. For you claim to have had that experience already while living a life that is devoid of any ounce of His love.

–> Part One & Intro <–

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February Fakes: Why I’d date an atheist over a “Christian” Part 1: Jake

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February FakesOne reason: because you’re not. You’re not a real Christian and I don’t appreciate you making me feel bad for questing your faith. Things you said, choices you made- something just didn’t feel right. But you were good. A smooth talker. And I fell hard and fast.

It seems fitting to start with you. My Facebook Timehop just reminded me of the time you texted me ONE THOUSAND times while I was on a flight just to have them all appear the second I turned my phone back on. It didn’t seem creepy, possessive like at the time, rather funny and comforting to know I was always on your mind. You’d text me all the time. I thought it was because you really valued me but you were just making me dependent on you. But you were the one with the dependency problem. You always had to have someone. So if I wasn’t “good enough” I knew you’d find someone else fast to give your undivided attention to. This made me so insecure.

You charmed me from the get go. You went to Bible college. Not only did you agree with a lot of my thoughts, you added to them. Your testimony. Your testimony intrigued me. You had a past, a really bad past. But I never judged you for it. It wasn’t until who you used to be started to feel like who you were now.

We studied the Bible together. Now this was scary. We’d memorize scriptures together. You encouraged and helped me to spend more time with God. I was the one that confused my love for God with my love for you.

There was so much hurt from the beginning of our relationship that I knew you weren’t right for me. But you knew just what to say, just what to do to keep me from being open to anyone else. I was your saving grace. I brought out the best in you. All the other girls you attempted to date were second to me and that fed my ego so much. You’d date them until they fell hard for you and then you’d disappear. I knew because you did that to me. Not physically but emotionally. You had wrecked me. You wanted to leave me before I left you. It was a shame that your self worth came from how many girls you could get to fall for you. Your occasional “she reminds me of you” and the songs you’d send me that made you think of me. They were your way of keeping me on a short leash.

I struggled so much. My heart knew you weren’t right for me. I questioned your motives, I questioned your faith. I really did. But my heart also loved the way you’d make me feel. Even if it was all a lie. You were the best manipulator, the best con artist I had ever met. I wanted to believe you really loved God but I knew. Everyone on the outside would say you loved God but I still knew. I was the only one that challenged you; I suppose that is what made you love and hate me at the same time.

Fast forward through many ups and downs. Times when I said I needed a break to think. Times when you needed a break because I had pushed the wrong buttons. You’d always come back. Because you knew I really cared. They always come back.

Christianity was just a phase for you. It took me a long time to come to terms with this. It’s where you felt you belonged and had a family for a little while. It was more about what you could get from God rather than understanding how much God loved you and what you wanted to do for Him. You never had a relationship with God. The second the opportunity arose, you got back with your old friends and became the same person you once told me you were. I think that’s the true test of just how strong our faith is. Are you a Christian based on culture or based on your personal relationship with Christ? When you have that personal relationship it doesn’t slip away so easily. It’s stronger than any family bond you’ve ever experienced. It was bittersweet to watch this transition. To know I wasn’t crazy when I was the only one challenging your faith. The Holy Spirit is a wonderful gift that we tend to suppress for the sake of “not being judgmental.” It’s nice to see the real you now. For once I get to see the real you. And as sad as it makes me to see you living a life so contrary to who you once said you were, I’m glad you aren’t claiming to be something you never were anyway.

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Read the intro to February Fakes here

February Fakes: Why I’d date an atheist over a “Christian”

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February Fakes

Well this might be one of my most controversial series to date but I think what I’m going to share needs to be said. And I sincerely hope you listen to my heart behind the words I write instead of pulling them apart. Each post on Sunday, in February, will be inspired by a different man I’ve dated. Each, very unique and different individuals. However, all four claimed to be Christians and God was/is an active part of their life. You’ll find Christian noted as their religion on their Facebook profile and you’ll see them in church on Sunday morning. But these four guys had me questioning why I’d rather marry any of my atheist friends over them. The word Christian is in quotes because I’m now convinced these men aren’t Christian at all. It’s not me being judgmental. There’s a reason people are turned off to Christianity and this is part of the problem. I can’t tell you how many people have told me they’ve been hurt by Christians. And I’m not talking about little, petty things that you get over. I’m talking about things that shouldn’t be happening within the body of Christ. I’m talking about things that need to be addressed and not swept under the “we all sin” label. Don’t ever let someone or something put a bad taste for Christianity in your mouth. Look to Christ only. If you encounter any of these types of men, don’t give up on Christian guys- just know you haven’t found a real one yet. While my perspective is from a woman’s standpoint, you can definitely apply this to women who claim to be Christians, as well.

Goals

There are a few goals I have in mind for this series. I want to stress to everyone that claims to be a Christian to really iron out what that means. So often we grow up in a Christian home, go to church every week, and go about our lives. But God desires to be included in every aspect of your life- not just on Sunday mornings. My goal is for you to strengthen your relationship with Christ.

My fear is a lot of people may have had similar experiences to mine. And I must say, if my faith wasn’t as strong as it is and this was what I had to go by to determine whether or not I believed in Christ, I would have walked away years ago. My goal is for you not to walk away. To know that not everyone who says they are a Christian really is. And you don’t have to feel guilty, ashamed, dumb, or naïve because of your own experiences. If you meet people like this, know they are not a Christian and you don’t have to feel bad for “judging” them. That’s a big one. Again, never let another person affect your view of Christ.

These posts are not meant to bash anyone; I’m actually still friends with everyone I’m about to write about. But I want you to see and understand how real these emotions are. I want you to see how they’ve affected me and how they are probably affecting others.

I’ve thought long and hard about this series. There are many scriptures that have backed up my reasoning for these posts. Throughout the month of February I would encourage all of us to really meditate and dwell on what these scriptures mean. And be sure to either check back or subscribe to my blog to get the posts! Next one is February 7th!

*Scriptures and my thoughts for reference

“No one born of God makes a practice of sinning, for God’s seed abides in him, and he cannot keep on sinning because he has been born of God.”- 1 John 3:9

This scripture used to confuse me, especially each time I sinned. There is a huge difference in being a sinner who sins and being saved and sinning. One is out of character for you and one is your character. Once you get saved and once you watch other people’s lives long enough, you are able to tell the difference.

“16 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. 19 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20 idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, 21 envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.” -Gal. 5:16- 24

Just because someone says they are saved, doesn’t mean they are. Are they walking according to the Spirit or are they walking according to the flesh?

“22 He went on his way through towns and villages, teaching and journeying toward Jerusalem. 23 And someone said to him, “Lord, will those who are saved be few?” And he said to them, 24 “Strive to enter through the narrow door. For many, I tell you, will seek to enter and will not be able. 25 When once the master of the house has risen and shut the door, and you begin to stand outside and to knock at the door, saying, ‘Lord, open to us,’ then he will answer you, ‘I do not know where you come from.’ 26 Then you will begin to say, ‘We ate and drank in your presence, and you taught in our streets.’ 27 But he will say, ‘I tell you, I do not know where you come from. Depart from me, all you workers of evil!’” -Luke 13:22-27

The door to heaven is narrow. So many people claim to be Christians but so few really become saved according to the scripture. Watch what they do, not what they say.

25 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and the plate, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. 26 You blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and the plate, that the outside also may be clean. 27 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. 28 So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness. Matthew 23: 25-28 [Read all of Matthew 23]

All of Matthew 23 is so good! It shows that Jesus knows and sees what you are seeing. You aren’t crazy! It shouldn’t surprise us that we have modern day Pharisees today. And it’s okay to talk about it.

“15 I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16 So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.” – Rev 3:15-16

This is probably one of my favorite verses and the one that explains why I get so passionate about this. Ask any of my non-Christian friends how I treat them or what I think of them. I have so much respect for them because what you see is what you get. Such honest, real discussions with a mutual level of respect. However, I can’t have that close or deep of relationship with lukewarm people- people that go back and forth, say one thing and live another. There is no trust there. So while I am friends with these people, the relationships never become deep.

“By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” –John 13:35

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. 4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.” –1 Corinthians 13

Love. You will see a lot of this absent from the guys I’ve dated. And no matter what all else is said and done, this is the one thing that matters. Real, Christ-like, love.

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3 reasons to keep your options open

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This almost seems like the antithesis of one of my most valued characteristics: loyalty. But that is precisely what I’m saying. I think somewhere along the way we started to blend liking someone, dating, and marriage. Having all of our eggs in one basket, not open to anyone else. Now I know what you might be thinking- what is so wrong with that? Well, here’s my theory of why you should keep your options open:

So you can be yourself

I had recently started talking to someone and I caught myself filtering what I was saying. Like how can I make this not sound like I’m arrogant? I was wondering if what I would say would align with his beliefs. But I was glad I caught myself because I stopped to think about why I was doing that. I realized this was a guy I was interested in, who also liked me, and I didn’t want to mess that up- as if being myself could mess that up. It was then that I told myself there were a couple other guys I was interested in and if for some reason this guy decided not to like me anymore it was okay. I know it can be easier said than done because nobody is fond of rejection. But I wonder if I would have had enough strength to be myself and not care as much if I didn’t have other options.

So you can be honest about what you really want

Do we really want someone we can’t be ourselves around? No. While it may help me keep the guy temporarily, it’s not what I’m looking for long term. The problem with closing yourself off to others is you start settling on things that were important because you think it’s your only option.

“I’m just happy he is going to church with me, it’s okay he isn’t a spiritual leader.”

“She is always rude to people, but she treats me well most of the time.”

“He doesn’t like it if I go out with my friends, but that’s just because he wants to spend time with me.”

“She puts me down in front of others, but I know she doesn’t mean it.”

Do you see what ends up happening here? Of course there will be compromises in any relationship but you should never compromise on major, important things simply because you have no other option.

So you don’t end up with the wrong person

Some people don’t believe you can end up with the wrong person but I do. I’ve seen the impact family members, co-workers, friends make on another person’s life. How much more so a spouse? You have to remember that talking, dating, even engaged are all stages leading up to see if you are ready to make that commitment to one person. You are not married yet. It shouldn’t be scary to think about spending the rest of your life with someone; the thought of spending the rest of your life with them should make you the happiest you’ve ever been.

If you allow yourself to keep your options open, you are more apt to be yourself and keep your priorities straight. It will either allow you to see you’re with someone you shouldn’t be or solidify the relationship to a deeper level, allowing you to appreciate them even more. I firmly believe that we took this approach we’d see a lot less fake people settling only to end up in a divorce and more relationships ending in happily ever after.

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I was afraid to break up with you

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I have yet to meet someone who has enjoyed breaking up with someone. Sometimes someone may feel a sense of relief but the act itself is never fun. Someone always gets hurt. The only way to avoid this is to never date. But we all still date, risks known. Whether we choose to acknowledge or deny those risks is up to us.

I was afraid to break up with you for you. I didn’t know if you could handle it. You had been through a lot and I knew you had let your guard down with me. I didn’t want you to regret that. Our relationship was your life. What would you do if I left? I honestly didn’t know if you were stable enough without me. This is hard to write. I didn’t know it had gotten this far. The same thing that attracted me to you was the same thing that is pulling me away. I can’t mean that much to you. It’s too much pressure. Aside from wondering what will happen to you, I never wanted to hurt you. Ever. While I still think you’re a great guy, it’s possible to be a great guy and just not right for me, right?

I was afraid to break up with you for others. We say do what’s best for you but we all know others are always affected by our actions -by our decisions. It’s never just your life. Our families- so intertwined. So much pressure, so many expectations. What would they think if I broke it off? Could I still be friends with your family? They’ve treated me like I was their own. I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want them to think I was just using you. I don’t want them to think I don’t love you. Because I do love you. I’m just not in love with you.

I was afraid to break up with you for myself. You had become my life. I don’t know if I could do this on my own. I was so scared. What if I don’t find someone better? Who would I talk to if I needed to vent? Who would celebrate with me when I’d graduate? I was so afraid to be alone. Is it bad to say I was afraid you’d hurt me for hurting you? How did it get this far? I was afraid to be with you and afraid to be without you at the same time. This is all too much.

And then I learned the best thing for everyone- you, me, our friends, our families was to break it off. I’ve known all along. Because it’s not fair to you, not fair to me, not fair to our loved ones for me to continue to live a lie. As hard as it is now to be alone, it’s harder being with someone I know isn’t right for me. I’ll have to learn to live without you again. But I can. Sometimes we have to take one step back to take two steps forward.

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Single but not alone

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I’ve been wanting to write this post for awhile now but life has a way of creeping in and stealing ALL my motivation. However, I think this weekend is the perfect time to get these feelings out. Around this same time last year, I wrote a post entitled “4 months, 4 holidays, 4 ever alone” It’s funny how things can change over the course of a year. I remember thinking last year how crappy it is to be alone during four of my favorite holidays, two of which are very romantic, in my opinion. I was also sick last year during Thanksgiving so it’s possible that contributed to my sulking, as well:p.

I feel like God has been ridding me of anyone and anything lately. I’m not the type of girl who always has to be in a relationship but I am the type who always has to have a potential. A prospect. Someone that could be “the one.” This year is different though. I wish I could put into words how I feel. For the first time, in a long time, there is no one. And it’s a strange feeling. I keep getting these reminders, these quotes, these scriptures. Reminders there is something bigger than my future husband. It seems so silly when you write it or say it out loud. But isn’t that how we live? Pinterest boards. “Dear future husband” letters. Going out. Staying in. Dating sites. If we were honest with ourselves, if we took a good long look at our lives, I think we’d be surprised how much of our time, how much of our lives are centered around a person we have yet to meet.

It’s funny how we hold onto to the hope of at least one. Because then our hope is justified. At least there is a possibility. I’ve lived a majority of my life like that. “Well, if it really comes down to it, I could always marry <insert name-of-guy-who-has-been-friend-zoned here>.” Why do we do that? Because the unknown is terrifying. We like to plan, we want to feel we are in control of our lives. So we make up stories in our heads to comfort ourselves. Sounds crazy when you write it down but it’s scary how true it is.

But this year, I have no one. No one as a back-up. No guy I could make it work with. No guy worth settling for. I’ve let go of them all. I don’t think my circumstances have changed too much. I think I’m just better at accepting reality. Actually not just accepting but embracing reality. Coming to terms with what I really want and desire most. I’ve seen a lot of relationships and marriages that have made me appreciate my singleness more. I think all too often we take our singleness for granted, as if its sole goal is to search for someone. But this time has allowed me to grow closer in my relationship with God. I’m reminded of when Paul is talking to the Corinthians about having an undivided heart. And I now understand. There is such a peace and freedom just in having Christ. I never feel “alone.” God’s love has filled me in ways I can’t begin to describe.

Sometimes I miss the good morning and good night texts. I miss knowing there is a guy thinking about me. I miss not having a date to certain functions. Instead I get awkward conversations. I’ve gotten everything from the “don’t worry, he’s out there” to “enjoy it” with the look of ‘I’m miserable in my marriage so please enjoy your singleness for the both of us.’ So many people say singleness is a gift but it doesn’t feel that way when you desire to be loved and have kids. I know it’s hard at times. And sometimes you start to lose faith, start to lose hope because you can’t see. You can’t see your future with anyone you know. So it freaks you out. You start to doubt and start to wonder if you’ll be forever alone. But do you know what hope and faith mean? They reach beyond what we can see and they trust. They trust God. And it is in those moments I’m reminded of the things I love. Things that make me not miss it all. Do I still hope to someday get married? Absolutely. But hope is not hope if you have a plan of how to make it happen. Hope is waiting for the unseen, the unknown, with excitement because you know that whatever God has planned for you is far greater than you could ever plan for yourself. Hope is letting go and trusting in something greater than you. There is no need to justify being single because while you may be single, you are certainly not alone.

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