I downloaded two dating apps over the Christmas break- Hinge and Upward. I couldn’t make myself do anymore than that. I do not like the concept of Bumble before anyone asks. I have yet to open either of the two apps I downloaded, which by default means I haven’t even set up my profiles yet. I’ve been thinking about why I haven’t. I’m scared. Scared of the unknown. I was reflecting on the guys that are in my life currently and wondering if I should try to make it work with any of them. At least I know the good and the bad of each. Dating nowadays is like playing Russian roulette- you really don’t know where you will fall or land. You hope it’s good. Yet, my past experiences have taught me that I have a history of losing. Which for me, pushes me to quit the game.
It’s a strange feeling to have both the desire to get married and have children but also wanting to avoid the pain the process of getting there often brings. I feel like I’ve been a part of the process for so long already. At what point am I supposed to quit? I had someone recently say to me that if I put as much work into my dating/relationship life as I did other aspects of my life I probably would have been married already. I felt that. But I’ve also had a difficult time defining what that work is supposed to look like. I feel like I’ve worked on myself… a lot. I feel like I have put myself out there… a lot. What more am I supposed to do? Why do I feel like I keep getting it wrong? I feel like Taylor Swift- hi, it’s me. I’m the problem it’s me.
Rather than thinking there is something wrong, what if it just isn’t the right time? What if the answer isn’t no, just not yet? I’ve thought about that a lot lately. I think we create these timelines in our head and when things don’t happen when we think they are supposed to, we assume God has failed us… God forgot about us. God forgot about me. But what if He didn’t forget about us. What if He has been working this whole time- what if He has been here the whole time?
If I’m being honest, I don’t really believe I will meet my husband on a dating app. I can already hear people saying, “well you probably won’t with that attitude!” I get it and maybe I’m just not there yet. But I DO believe it is a necessary step to put myself out there and open my heart once again. Every time I go through a break-up I want to give up on dating. The pain is real, and the feelings are raw. The happy ending doesn’t seem worth the potential heartbreak. But each time, after I’m healed and whole yet again, I do put myself out there. Because I know deep down the only other way to live is with no feelings at all. Protected, safe, and secure, but empty, cold, and dead. And that is no way to live.
-Sarah:)
the virgin heartbreaker® 
Wonderful post! I am *almost* 29, single and waiting for marriage. The pressure to find someone is so heavy sometimes from family and friends, but like you said, what if it just isn’t my time yet? Anyone can go out and get in a relationship or marriage, but the idea of marrying someone that God didn’t intend for me is enough to make me pause and pray. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and story!
–Also I hat dating apps too lol!
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Sarah, posting anonymously but we met years ago. I find myself coming back to your blog from year to year to see how your story progresses, you never disappoint. I won’t pretend to know you on any real deep level, or at all, but I can give some general thoughts about what your post(s). Maybe it will help to give you a broader perspective, or not.
I’ll be straight to the point. Let’s start with the obvious. You are obviously super smart, achieved, and beautiful which does make it hard to imagine you would be having such a problem finding a partner. You wear your heart on your sleeve, which is incredibly admirable and a very attractive quality to any real man.
Now…for the sake of brevity, at least from how it appears through your posts, you are way. way. way. too laser focused. The amount of focus you have put on perfection in this process is not doing you any favor whatsoever.
There is no “he” (the one). There are multiple, numerous, amazing men you’ll find throughout your life that could, if given the chance, fill your heart overflowing with joy and be eternal life long partners. This image of a “him” seems to have morphed from the possible to the impossible. Put on a pedestal, out of reach from reality. It’s important to keep yourself in check.
The man of your dreams won’t come knocking on your door, you know that, but here’s a reminder that he is out there looking for you. He wants to find you, a woman with so much to give, high confidence, and a rock solid faith. He just hasn’t met you yet.
According to what you said, you tend to surround yourself with people who share similar interests, and if that is appealing to you, then someone you may know right now very well might be the person you’re looking for. You just might be too close to the forest to see the trees.
If none of what I’ve said made any impact, allow me to leave you with this last thought. Yes, It might be that you need to wait for God, but never forget, there’s always the possibility, even if just a sliver that God is actually waiting for you. A wise man told me that life goes by in a blink of an eye, so I would strongly encourage you to live as if it’s the latter.
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