Anyone who knows me well or has watched my Facebook through the years knows how I’ve never been a fan of the word “date” or the term “dating.” The guys who have asked me out only for me to respond with, “sure, we should hang out” know this all too well. I think it’s because the word date implies a certain level of commitment and expectation in my mind and honestly I don’t like that pressure, not with a guy I’m not really convinced about yet. If I have ever used the word “date” with you, consider yourself one of the few.

So I prefer to “hang out” with guys. Why? Because in my mind, I am just getting to know them and I don’t feel like I owe them anything. Maybe this is silly and maybe I over analyze a little too much but it has seriously stressed me out before. I think a big part of it revolves around the fact that I don’t want to lead anyone on, especially if I really don’t see a future with someone. I run from the word. It scares me. There have been times when I was okay with the word and that was when I thought I might actually see a future with that particular guy. So for me it’s a matter of using the word with people I like, not using it with those I don’t like or guys I am unsure about. I think we all know this deep down but are just afraid to admit it. This is why girls HATE it when a guy is taking them out but refuses to call it a date. It shows that the guy is unsure about what he wants. And there is no girl who wants to start falling for a guy only for him to say “but we’ve never even dated.” Girls desire a guy they respect and it’s hard to respect a guy when they don’t even know what they want.

There is a certain level of casualness when only hanging out, as opposed to dating. And I like that. But I will admit, if I started to like a guy, I would not appreciate just being his “hang out” buddy. I can however, to a certain extent, respect not being referred to as someone’s date, even though it can be viewed as a big slap in the face. I can’t use the word with someone I’m unsure about so I don’t think I’d really appreciate a guy using the word with me unless he was serious about me. I just can’t. I feel guilty. I feel like I’m leading someone on. I feel like I’m being deceptive. I feel like I’m wasting someone’s time. The truth is, I just don’t know about you and that’s okay. Maybe we should just get to know each other more, in a non-pressuring environment. The beauty with that is, chances are that if it doesn’t work out and we aren’t compatible we can still be friends and it not be awkward. There are ways to find love without breaking so many hearts.  

There is a caveat to this and that is- I don’t think people view the word as seriously as I do and that has created this confusion and unintentional dating scene we see in today’s society, in my opinion. I think that is why one of my favorite authors, Eric Ludy, in his book when God writes your love story  (co-authored with his wife, Leslie) stated the following:

“Personally, I don’t care for the word date. I think it diminishes the grandeur of a God-written love story into a common, everyday sort of thing. If you are stuck on using the word, I won’t fight you. But I prefer to think that God’s version of love and romance is miles above the culturally saturated ideas contained within that weak and ugly word. When two people enter into a relationship that is scripted from start to finish by the Author of love and relationships, they may prefer to view their relationship as something bigger, better, and more beautiful than dating. In short, if you can maintain the honor, the faithfulness of heart, the purity, and the selfless love of Christ at the center of your relationship, go ahead and date. However, if you are holding the pen in your proud hand and messing with a human heart for your selfish pleasure, my advice is, don’t date; instead, go to Jesus and ask Him to change you and change your method for building an intimate love relationship.”

Wow. It sometimes makes me sad to see what the dating culture has become. But I want to encourage you to strive for more. Below are three quick tips that have helped me stay focused on what I ultimately want and need.

1. Communicate! Don’t allow a silly word to control you. If you are just looking for a friend, communicate that. If you are intentional about getting married, communicate that. Whatever it is, don’t be afraid to ask for clarity. This is your life and it flies by- don’t waste it sitting around guessing what your relationship, or lack thereof, really is.
2. Be realistic. While communicating is important, please don’t start discussing how bad you want to get married on the first “date.” Be intentional, but don’t put someone in a situation where they have to commit off the bat if they don’t even really know you yet.
3. Trust your gut. As much as I hate to say it, it’s usually right. I know we always hope for the best and we pray for signs, but oftentimes we dismiss them because we just want to feel loved so much. If you are not feeling secure in whatever it is you are in, read tip one:p

So who wants to go on a date now?

-the virgin heartbreaker

photo credit: KaylaKandzorra via photopin cc

I was talking with a friend from work this past week about how much of a germaphobe I am. Wait, why doesn’t Microsoft Word recognize germaphobe as a real world?! This is very real people. Some people are gross. Okay, maybe gross is a strong word but some of the things people do gross me out. Thus, a discussion of first date don’ts began. I even went to my trusty Facebook friends to hear some of their pet peeves. While mine dealt mostly with germs (lol sorry), there were some other great (or not so great) things my friends added to the list. So if you are aiming to lose your date on the first date, here goes:

1. Don’t be chivalrous. This one is mostly directed toward guys. Don’t hold the door open. Don’t pay for your date. Don’t tip. Don’t lead. Yes, some women are independent but most still like to be treated like a lady. If you want this date to go somewhere, be aware and follow cues. When you genuinely are interested in someone, you’ll be able to figure out their likes and dislikes, when to push and when to pull.
2. Talk about about your ex. Okay, I understand if the conversation presents itself and exes get brought but to keep saying things like “my ex really loved this place” or “my ex has an outfit like that” or “that person looks like my ex” is a big red flag. You might need to spend a little more time single and healing before you start dating again. Some things just take time.
3. Have bad food habits. I feel like a hypocrite writing about this one because I am probably one of the messiest eaters I know, but I love food! Try to eat proper but more specific things that annoy me kind of focus on how selfish I am when it comes to food. “Are you going to finish that?”- never ask me that, unless I offer you some, I want it. Do not, I repeat do not, take food off your date’s plate unless they offer. And this one I probably hate the most- when your date keeps insisting you try what they are having even after you said no thank AND they put it on your plate. I am not going to eat it still.
4. Be arrogant. I think we think we have to try to prove ourselves to our dates that we are amazing. Sometimes I think this comes from insecurity. Newsflash- if you are amazing, we will see it. Talking about it or trying to prove it tends to lead us to believe you are not. One of my friends mentioned how she stated that she liked something and her date began quizzing her on it. Sometimes we are just trying to find common interests. People like to talk and hope to find someone they are compatible with- if you are making everything a competition and trying to one up your date, you may one up them but you’ll end up alone.
5. Be a bad conversationalist. Kind of along the same lines of being arrogant, you should not be hogging the conversation. Stop talking about yourself and ask questions. Unless, of course, you are not interested in your date at all and simply want to highlight yourself. If you keep saying “I don’t know” a lot and don’t ask questions, you are kind of leaving your date with very little options. II know some people are better at this than others, but I honestly feel like this one should come naturally, though maybe a little awkward for some, if you are actually interested in the person.
6. Constantly talk about the same people. Guys- it’s one thing to mention in passing something about your mom or your great relationship with her. But she should not have been the one that picked out and ironed your clothes… Enough said. Furthermore, for guys and girls- do not constantly talk about your friends that are of the opposite sex. Yes, we all have them but if they are all you talk about there may be a reason you are still single.
7. Stay on your phone. I’ve been guilty of this before. It’s hard in today’s society when our phones contain so much power and the ability to occupy us for any one second of complete silence. But be engaged. You’d be surprised at what happens and what you think of when you put your phone down. And I’ve never been this bad, but one of my friends mentioned how his date kept checking her Facebook and even logged into her match.com profile to see if she had any messages. Yeaaaa, I don’t think that went anywhere.
8. Have a bad appearance. I’m not talking about looks here but what you do with what you have. Ladies, dress like a lady for your date- not like you are trying to get every man’s attention in the room. Guys, put some effort into your appearance and don’t wear a hat- unless you are at a sporting event and then it’s okay. Everyone, comb your hair and brush your teeth. Also, please don’t pick anything while out- teeth, nose, whatever. Okay, thanks.
9. Be rude and negative. Not just to me but to the people around us. People tend to put on their best behavior on the first date. Only someone really dumb would be rude to their date- not necessarily because they like their date but because they are wanting something from them. How people treat others that can’t do anything for them is a pretty good indication of how you will eventually be treated. Additionally, there are always going to be things that are depressing and sad happening in our world; the challenge is to find something positive and focusing on making things better. Negativity is contagious and most people don’t want to be around that. Also, don’t gossip or talk about others.
10. Express wedding plans. If your date is super awesome, it’s okay to potentially think about the future but it’s ONE date. There is so much to still learn about them so keep it to yourself until you get to know each other a little more. Being a little too eager shows that you are impulsive and are led a little too much by your emotions. Don’t put too much pressure on them and give them at least a night’s sleep to process everything;-)

What are some of your first date pet peeves?

-the virgin heartbreaker

I was reading not too long ago in Mark 12 and in the middle of the chapter there was a passage about how the Sadducees were questioning Jesus:

Mark 12:19-25 (ESV)
19 “Teacher, Moses wrote for us that if a man’s brother dies and leaves a wife, but leaves no child, the man[a] must take the widow and raise up offspring for his brother. 20 There were seven brothers; the first took a wife, and when he died left no offspring. 21 And the second took her, and died, leaving no offspring. And the third likewise. 22 And the seven left no offspring. Last of all the woman also died. 23 In the resurrection, when they rise again, whose wife will she be? For the seven had her as wife.”
24 Jesus said to them, “Is this not the reason you are wrong, because you know neither the Scriptures nor the power of God? 25 For when they rise from the dead, they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven.

I have read this passage numerous times, sad to admit, with little thought. Basically, the Sadducees want to know who ends up being together in the resurrection. Seems like a fair enough question. I was kind of curious too. But Jesus’ response is perfect- straight to the point. It was only this last time when I read the passage I realized how trivial marriage is. Okay, don’t get me wrong- it is huge while here on earth, very important and not something to be taken lightly at all. But do you see what Jesus is saying? It is not going to matter in heaven- we were made for something so much bigger than getting married to someone!

I think we oftentimes view marriage as the end result. We have arrived. We have found the one- we make a family and then what? Do we even know? Is is just to reproduce so our kids can find love the same way we did? What if instead of viewing marriage as finally finding the one that loves us, makes us happy, and can see ourselves building a life with we added something else to the mix. What if we viewed it as a chance to learn how to love more? What if we viewed every disagreement as an opportunity to challenge ourselves to act like Christ rather than getting our way? You see, until we view marriage differently we won’t act differently. So how do you view marriage? We all want to be loved and you should be with someone that does love you but that’s not the most important thing here. We are only here for a short time. You can either spend your time trying to make someone love you more or you can focus on loving more. And trust me, trying to make someone love you is not fun and never works. Find someone you can practice loving more and that’s wanting to practice too. Imagine how beautiful and healthy a relationship like that would be.:)

-the virgin heartbreaker