Tag Archives: Christian

My best worst date ever

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I’m not sure why I’m starting out the new year with this type of post but here goes lol. I have had some pretty interesting dates over my manyyy years of dating- okay okay, I’m not that old people! But they were talking about worst dates on the radio the other day and I was talking to some of my friends on Facebook about our experiences and there are some weird stories out there! Mine was not that bad. Okay, maybe it was. Here it is, in three parts. Yes, three.

The first date:
I still remember talking to a couple of my girlfriends about all of our current guy situations. Yep, it’s true- guys dominate a lot of our conversations. One of my friends had recently went out with this guy and was telling us all about her “fun” experience. She described this guy as maybe too religious and then thought of me. I’m not sure if I should have been offended by that or not lol. Even though her date was bad, I was single and thought why not give him a try. At the very least I’d have a good story and boy do I. Standards, Sarah, standards.

Nick and I decided to meet at a central location to both of us at a local bookstore. We met around 7 and would decide what to do from there. From the minute Nick and I met, he wanted to know what our mutual friends had said about him (as in my friend that went out with him.) I’m typically a pretty patient person when it comes to that, but I finally had to tell him to stop caring about what other people think about him. It was so annoying to say the least. But it gets better. He asked what we should do. Sidenote- I like a guy that plans and comes up with ideas so I might have already started thinking less of him and judging at this point. My bad. I suggested we go eat because it’s dinnertime and I’m starving. Nope, he just ate. Wow, thanks. I suggest the mall, which was right across the street. Nope, too many people. Alright. I suggest the beach and pier, which was about 10 minutes away. Nope, too far. At this point I was already giving up. He suggested the park that was right across the street. I said fine but I was going to drive through Steak n’ Shake first because I was starving and meet him there. I did- with a burger, fries, and milkshake in hand. We talked. I ate. It was okay. Mostly dull. Mostly about him. It was fascinating. I didn’t know there were people out there who were really this self-absorbed. We got kicked out of the park because they were closing and went across the street to another park and continued to walk and talk. We did have some good conversation and he is a nice guy, there was just nothing there. I didn’t think we’d go out again but we did. You could say I’m a glutton for punishment.

Date two:
So you’re probably wondering why in the world I would go out with Nick again. Yea, I still don’t know either. We would text on and off after our first date and we had made a silly bet over politics and he won. Loser was supposed to take the other to dinner. We agreed on a place to go which was his idea- central location yet again. While walking up to the restaurant, he asked me if the place was good. I told him that I didn’t know because I had never been there. He then proceeded to ask me why I picked the place and I told him that I didn’t. He said I did. We argued in the parking lot about this. Real mature, I know. Turns out I was right and he misread my text. He still owes me a movie for being wrong. Since we were at an outdoor mall with several restaurants around, we decided to walk somewhere else. On our walk, he told me not to worry, that he would pay for his half of the check. Uhh thanks? Maybe I’m a little old fashioned but seriously. Am I wrong for thinking he should have still paid? Maybe I’m spoiled. I don’t know. I wish I could say it got better.

We went to a pizza place and both got water. He asked if I wanted to share a pizza and I said sure. He wanted to know what I wanted on it and I told him I didn’t care- whatever he wanted was fine. I just wanted garlic knots. We ate and we fought. Maybe it was my fault because I love talking about taboo topics such as religion, politics, and sex. He zoned out once during dinner and told me how he felt bad for fat people. That was weird. One time he told me not to interrupt him and let him finish talking. Wow. And just so we are clear, I am a pretty passionate person, but always respectful so that definitely blind-sided me.

Dinner was great- as in the food. We had to get a to go box for the rest of the pizza; I actually only ate one slice because I filled up on garlic knots. I took two additional slices to go and Nick took a total of five. I’m mentioning this for a reason. When the check came, Nick looked at it for awhile and then asked how we should split it. Mind you, there are only two items on it- our pizza and the garlic knots (which he ate too). I knew what he was thinking- he didn’t want to pay for the garlic knots since I ordered them. His face said it all. I said we could split it down the middle. He paused for a second and then agreed. Such a charmer.

We ended up walking around to different shops- he needed a beanie. This guy is so vain. He is good looking but oh my gosh, he thinks he is the best thing since slice bread. We go into Old Navy and see a family taking photos with the mannequins and I could tell he wanted one but was kind of shy. I offered to take it for him. Most people would take a picture with each other; my date wanted one with a mannequin. He then tried on several beanies and asked me how each one looked. They all look the same! Ahh. He finally decides and we continue to walk. I did want to stop into Claire’s for a second to see if they had any phone cases, don’t judge me. We were in the store for no more than a minute when I noticed Nick wasn’t in the store anymore. I go to look for him and he is outside wandering. I asked him what he was doing and he thought I said I was ready to go. Wow. Okay then.

We end up walking back to our trucks and I hug him, say thanks, and tell him I had a good time. As I start walking back to my truck he made a big mistake; he asks me if I meant that. Did I really have a good time? He shouldn’t have asked that. I had to be honest. We end up talking for over an hour in the parking lot. It was actually the best part of all of our interactions. We got to talk about some pretty deep stuff. Long story short, I just didn’t think he was ready to date yet. Obviously I care about him and this was all in good fun. I never have met someone I didn’t care about. And not everyone we go out with is going to be the person we marry. That’s okay. To quote Madea- some people come into your life for a lifetime, others for a season. For whatever reason, Nick and I met.

Third times a charm:
Nick contacted me not too long ago and we decided we should catch up. We met at a restaurant and he actually paid for my food and drink with no hesitation. Maybe my talk with him actually did work;-) But he’s moved on- to cougars and pretty women. I love catching up with him and I’d like to think we’ll always be friends. Maybe not after he reads this post though. Oops!

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New Year, New You? My 2015 New Year’s Resolutions & Great Ideas for YOU!

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Common phrase isn’t it? What attracts us to this catchy phrase so much is the fact that we don’t like ourselves. At least we don’t when that phrase sounds appealing. And what better time to make changes than with the new year? I’ve had many New Year resolutions in the past- things I didn’t like, areas I wanted to improve in my life:

  • Read the Bible in a year
  • Only listen to Christian music while diving
  • Journal everyday
  • Go to the gym at least three times a week

The thing I like most about this time is the self- reflection component. I always look at myself and try to pick things that will improve my weak areas. Last year I was feeling pretty ambitious and came up with this list:

  • Write down one thing I’m thankful for each day
  • Write a prayer for someone I know each day
  • Write a short entry about my day each day
  • Reach out to a total of 52 people
  • Pay it forward to people at random times
  • Read the entire Bible again

The only thing I fully completed was writing at least a sentence each day about what happened. Can I have my pat on the back now? Haha. I got overwhelmed to say the least. I like lists- they keep me focused and I can track my accomplishments. The problem I was having however, was the fact that each of these things were designed to better me but they were actually having a negative effect. I prayed, I read, I wrote, and I thanked- just to check it off my list. Real noble, right? And because of this I started to lose heart. Was I really making a difference? What was I really accomplishing?

I want this year to be different. If everything you are doing is mandated, where is there room to hear the Holy Spirit? Where is your flexibility? I believe in structure but not too much. It was with this in mind that I settled on what I want to do this year and what I hope to accomplish:

  • Christian Accountability– I started up a Facebook group again for sharing and accountability utilizing uplifting thoughts, quotes, songs, whatever. This is a place for people to share ideas and receive encouragement to grow closer to God in their own ways whether it’s through music, reading, praying, etc. I hope to not only help others but continue to grow in my walk with the Lord.
  • Passion Planner– I stumbled across this awesome planner that allows each unique person to focus on what is important to them. It takes planning to a whole new level. I can’t wait to start! I’m such a nerd:p
  • Rememberlutions– I love this! Basically you write down good things that happen throughout the year and place them in a jar or some other container. At the end of the year, you get to read them and remember all the good things that happened over the previous year. This is great for me because I always seem to forget everything I did lol.
  • Who I am– Oftentimes I get focused on what I am doing rather than who I am. I want to focus on who I am rather than what I do. Here is where my flexibility comes in. Rather than a checklist of items, I want to be more aware of myself and my surroundings to be able to hear the Holy Spirit so I can grow and improve myself and the relationships around me.

That’s all. Pretty simple, huh? I’m so excited for the new year and seeing all God has planned for me! In case you are interested, here are some other cool resources and articles I found regarding resolutions:

1) Getting organized– This is a great article on getting organized in the new year. ( I needed this:p)

2) Excellent Bible reading plans for 2015– pick the one that’s best for you!

3) 10 toxic people you shouldn’t bring into the new year– Enough said.

4) Cool ideas for things to do this coming year– minus the cussing in some parts, these are some pretty good ideas.

5) Lifestyle resolutions– this were some great ideas for improving your life!

6) Rememberlutions– what I was talking about earlier and what I’ll be doing this year!

I thought I had more on eating and exercising but apparently not. The truth is, you can start fresh any day but why not take this opportunity now to make some positive life changes? We can always learn, grow, and improve. God gave you this precious life for a reason- find your passion and get out there and start doing it.

Happy New Year! xoxo

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Please date other people

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These are some of the toughest words I’ve ever said but also the most needed. We all want to feel like we are the only one, that we are special, we are worth it. It makes us feel loved, valued, and appreciated. I love feeling this way. But there is something I need more. I need you to date other people.

I need to not feel pressured while I’m getting to know you. I don’t want to know that you are putting all your eggs in one basket with me and that if I decide we aren’t meant to be, your life won’t be destroyed. I don’t want to cause another heartbreak. I don’t want to be the cause of pain. But it’s that or stay with someone I don’t’ really love. Both options aren’t right. There should be more options. That’s what’s kept me away from dating for so long. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I have many guy friends who have been hurt by that one woman. I don’t want to be that woman. Ever.

I need to know you aren’t wasting your time with me.
I need to know you can be patient with me.
If I’m the only one, please don’t make me feel guilty; I tend to shut you out and run.

I need you to date other people for you too. It’s so easy to like someone when they are the only one you have. You make it work. You even change yourself if it’s not working. But I want to see the real you. And you deserve to see the real me too. When you date multiple people, you can compare and learn more about what you like and don’t like. I’ve heard people say you shouldn’t compare but I’m not sure why. You deserve the best. And I believe the best is worth waiting for. We could all settle today if we really wanted to. Lower our standards enough and there’s somebody there waiting. But that’s not what we want and we know that. Don’t settle for Mr. or Ms. Right Now.

Do you know how much more valuable I’ll feel knowing you have dated other girls and still chose me?! I really can’t commend you if I was your only option. Take your time. Get to know me- before being sold on my great looks and dashing personality:p Okay, I’m halfway kidding but this does happen to me a lot more than I care to admit. And I don’t like it. It feels good for my ego but deep down I don’t like it. My heart, the most important and valuable thing about me, is minimized.

Why is it that the best relationships started as friendships and some of the worse ones involved people who jumped the gun? Think about it. I’m looking for something that’ll last; not just feel good right now. And for me, dating multiple people allows me to be myself more and truly get a feel for what I’m looking for. So many people stay stuck in bad relationships because they don’t believe there is anything better. Oh, but there is. You just have to be willing to wait for it. As one of the best quotes I’ve ever heard states- “You’ll never leave where you are until you decide where you’d rather be.”

I’m not acting like this phrase is easy to say or hear. It requires you to be vulnerable and take risks. Sometimes people use this phrase because they really don’t like you and feel guilty about it. But it requires a lot of strength to say. You risk losing a person you might truly love in hopes of obtaining someone that truly loves you. When you hear it, you don’t know how to take it. Are they caring about you or do they really not care about you? I hate it. God tells us to guard our hearts. So be yourself. Love. But take your time. Trust that God will show you the right one when the time is right. You both will know. After all, you’re only looking for one ‘right one’ anyway;)

*date as in having many friendships with guys/girls that you may be interested in. I DO NOT mean being physically involved with those people. That’s another sure-fire way to distract you from reality. signature

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Rebounding is not always such a bad idea

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I’d like to preface this with what I would hope to be common knowledge given the title of my blog but just in case- I do not mean rebounding in any physical manner. However, I do believe rebounding in other ways may prove to be very beneficial and healthy.

Going through break-ups are rough. Unless you decide to not have a heart and cut off all emotions (which I have seen before) you will experience pain and heartbreak when you go through a break-up. While I have not done any studies on it, I do think that you experience more pain with the ones you cared about the most, the ones you allowed inside your heart. It’s so crappy when it happens because part of you never wants to experience that hurt again but at the same time it’s rewarding because even after all the pain, at least you can feel and have the capacity to love. To me that’s everything.

Nothing is a substitute for time after a break-up. However, it is what you do during the time after a break-up that affects your healing process most. I think we all deal with it in unique and different ways. I’m a huge fan of closure and for me, I sometimes put myself through more pain because it helps me to truly get over someone and have no regrets. While my healing process may be different than yours, I don’t think it’s really all that unique. I question the relationship- if I could have or should have done anything different. Was it my fault things ended- were my expectations too high? I remember the good times. I stalk social media pages and wonder if they are missing what we had. Because truthfully, while we may miss each other I think what we miss the most is feeling loved. I tend to close myself off to anyone else because I know I am vulnerable and just want to feel loved again. So I don’t look for anyone else for awhile, I won’t open myself up until I feel completely healed.

It sounds good in theory but what happens during that time of healing? We don’t go out and we don’t allow anyone in. That forces us to only think about that one person we had. So in hopes of feeling loved, we try to convince ourselves our ex wasn’t that bad because we don’t want to be alone. This is why you see so many people go back to their exes, back into bad relationships. This is why people settle. And it’s so scary because I’ve been there so many times.

I went through a break up not too long ago and I am now currently talking to a guy that recently got out of a relationship, as well. My old self would have said this is a recipe for disaster. “Don’t talk to me, I need to be alone for a long time” would be my response. But this guy is fun and honest and real. We are able to talk and communicate about what is going on inside of us. I have a feeling we will always be friends no matter where our paths may take us. We think a lot alike and have very similar interests. It’s a different feeling than I am used to and I like it. I am so glad I met him and that we came into each other’s lives. I’ve already learned so much more about myself because of him. When you don’t see anyone else, you naturally think it won’t get any better than what you had. He reminds me what it is I really want when I had forgotten in my previous relationships. He gives me hope. Likewise, he was hanging onto the thought of hopefully getting back with his ex because that’s all he knew, all he saw. Meeting me has reminded him of what he is really looking for, things he didn’t think were out there. It’s crazy how in some ways we came into each other’s lives to renew our hope. Some may call it rebounding and that’s okay with me. But this kind of rebounding shouldn’t have a negative connotation. We aren’t using each other. We’ve set boundaries. We like each other and we appreciate each other. It gave us fresh eyes to move forward and to move on.

I sometimes wonder if we hadn’t come into each other’s lives if we would still be hurting or wishing for something in the past because we saw no future. Society tells us it’s wrong to rebound and not fair to the other person. And I would agree, especially if you are using someone just to feel better about yourself. But I don’t think there is anything wrong with putting yourself out there in order to heal and do what you need to do. I still am a firm believer in self-reflection and alone time. Don’t rush into something just because you are lonely, but don’t close yourself off just because you’re scared. There is so much hope out there, so much love. Give yourself another chance. You left that person for a reason and God has that perfect one for you out there. Go explore and never settle.

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There is no such thing as right person, wrong time

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Seriously. I’ve heard this numerous times and I just read an article entitled something along the lines of “The joys and pains of meeting the right person at the wrong time.” Umm what?! I’m sorry, but do you realize how rare it is to find the/a right person? And let’s be honest for a second, maybe it’s just me, but if I found what I thought was the right person, I don’t see how or why the “wrong time” would have to stop us from being together. So what do these “wrong times” really mean?

  • The “I just got out of a relationship and need to be single for awhile” excuse. I’ll let you in on a little secret- 99% of the time this line is used as a nice way to reject someone. The other 1% actually recognizes what is going on inside them and hopefully expresses it well enough to let the other person know they can still enjoy a friendship with one another. Besides, starting out as friends is always a plus. The right one will be patient. So tell me how this was really the right person at the wrong time again?
  • The “I just think we are headed in different directions” excuse. Basically, something else is more important to me right now and this relationship is not worth it. You are a great person but more than likely not the one I’m supposed to be with so I’m okay with letting you go. Love always finds a way and if I really thought you were the right person, I’d find a way to be together, while still pursuing my dreams. It’s not rocket science, but it does require two people who both feel the other is the right person for them.
  • The “I’m just too young and don’t know who I am yet” excuse. Legit excuse. However, who says you can’t figure out life with the right person? If anything, I think the right person would be a complement to you and would only help to strengthen and encourage you. But then again, we often get this confused with the wrong person who we like but something deep down in our gut tells us something is wrong. Therefore, this wonderful excuse was born.
  • The “We live in two different places” excuse. While I understand this is a hard one, I firmly believe it’s doable. After realizing how rare it is to find someone you actually like and could see yourself being with for the rest of your life, I honestly believe that with the right person, you can make anything work. This might include giving up on something that is not that important to, compromising, or managing a long distance relationship for a certain period of time. I think we forget that one of the greatest things about being in a healthy relationship is having someone that loves you no matter what and encourages you to achieve all the dreams God placed in your heart. The wrong one will not understand this and have a cookie-cutter life planned out and run the minute things don’t go according to plan.
  • The “This could never work long term” excuse. This one is open-ended. Our families don’t get along. We have different beliefs. You annoy me. Really, this could be anything. We like the person for whatever reason but we don’t want to be with them for the rest of our lives and that’s okay. There will be many people we like for different reasons but that does not mean they are the right person for us. It’ll work with the right person no matter what obstacles may come your way.

What all of these have in common is the fact that they weren’t the wrong time; they were the wrong person for you if you were willing to let them go. Let’s call it what it is. Besides, would the right person really leave you? That doesn’t sound like the kind of right person I would want to be with anyway. And if I’m not willing to work through it or make it work, I deep down don’t think they are the right person either.

Maybe we just need to redefine the term “right person.” Sometimes a right person will come into our life only for a season. We grow, we learn but it doesn’t necessarily mean we are to spend the rest of our lives with this person. This term “wrong time” has such a negative connotation. Embrace the time you have with those at given times in your life. Some come for a lifetime, others for a season and that’s okay. These people can be the right person at the right time. They are a great person, cool person but not the right person (marriage), for us at least. So can we please stop lying to ourselves? Can we please stop using this as a cop out to avoid rejection or rejecting someone else. It’s not the wrong time- it’s just that we are don’t see this going anywhere further and that is nothing to feel bad about.

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50 notes-to-self regarding relationships

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While I have mixed feelings about checklists, these notes-to-self serve as reminders and guidelines to help me remember truths I have learned from past relationships.

  1. Avoid any physical aspect for as long as possible in a relationship; this will ensure you really like them and not just those feelings.
  2. Ask yourself if it’s him you like or just the idea of him.
  3. Try your hardest to not default to guys you know like you to feed your ego during a break-up. Use this precious time to run to God.
  4. Trust those gut feelings (Holy Spirit) and be brave enough to walk away when you know something doesn’t feel right.
  5. Be strong enough to not make excuses; brave enough to acknowledge red flags.
  6. If talking about God pulls you apart rather than bring you together, run!
  7. Be with someone that truly values and appreciates your best qualities.
  8. You shouldn’t have to talk yourself into it…
  9. Respect and trust for him will either increase or decrease- watch for this and adjust appropriately.
  10. Wait for someone who can love, support, respect, and challenge you and knows how to balance the four correctly.
  11. Love is and always will be the most important thing. You’ll be able to recognize it; he’ll either have it or he won’t.
  12. If he views it as a sacrifice, it isn’t love; love trumps all.
  13. Be with someone who doesn’t give you the option to say no to something he knows you really want/desire.
  14. It will be easy for him to give you attention in one-on-one settings; watch how he treats you when you in groups.
  15. Be with someone who loves you as Crist love the church; after God, and because of God, you will be his #1.
  16. Never be with someone who demeans, belittles, or judges you.
  17. He must have a personal relationship with Christ.
  18. He will never attempt to question your relationship with Christ or come between it.
  19. Wait for someone who is humble. Genuinely humble, not just says he is. Always desiring to learn, grow, and be better than he was yesterday- together.
  20. There is a difference between doing things out of love and out of obedience.
  21. If I don’t feel loved, I’m probably not. Excuses do get old.
  22. Be with someone who cares about my feelings, even if they aren’t always right.
  23. Wait for someone who is proud of me and who I am proud of.
  24. Be with someone who could live without me but will fight and do whatever he can to make sure he doesn’t have to.
  25. Be with someone who enjoys being with me.
  26. He will know what Ephesians 5 means.
  27. He will understand that one of the greatest things he can do for his kids will be to love their mother/his wife.
  28. Wait for someone who gets excited about God with me.
  29. He will be someone I want to submit to.
  30. Don’t rush the relationship. Wait. Watch. And enjoy. Time will tell.
  31. Can I see him being my best friend?
  32. Wait for someone that will encourage me to lead and teach and do what God is calling me to do.
  33. Don’t be with someone who is legalistic but does have strong morals, values, and convictions.
  34. The thing he will love most about me is my heart for Christ.
  35. He will love me as much as I love him because we will both have Christ’s love.
  36. He will fell like the luckiest guy in the world to have me and I will feel the same.
  37. Wait for someone that will challenge me to be better but love me no matter what; love is unconditional.
  38. Watch for someone who is proactive and offers to help and solve problems before you even realize you needed help.
  39. Never judgmental but pushes you to grow in love.
  40. Wait for the one that truly believes that you were worth the wait.
  41. Don’t let anyone abuse you- physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually.
  42. You will have fun with him no matter what you are doing.
  43. He won’t have any unhealthy bromances.
  44. Always step back and wait to see if you really like him or you are just emotionally attached; there should be definitive things you like about him.
  45. In the beginning you will see actions; in time, you will see motives.
  46. Time heals. God heals. Sometimes you’ll have to wait for God to mend your heart. Sometimes you’ll have to wait for your feelings to catch up with what you already know deep down.
  47. Wait for someone who initiates and sacrifices.
  48. A real man will use his power to love.
  49. He will value godly things above worldly accomplishments; he will understand God’s heart.
  50. I won’t have any doubts and I’ll just know.

-the virgin heartbreaker

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Online dating: is it for you?

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The amount of relationships and marriages that begin from online dating seems to be rising. With technology constantly increasing and smart phones that never leave our side, dating has encountered various meanings as social networks and online dating sites continue to engage and connect people everyone. Okay seriously, if I continue to blog I need to be able to turn off my doctoral side of my brain and keep it real with you all. Dating in today’s society is whack and I can’t keep up. I feel like life would have been so much more simple if I had to rely solely on my (in person) relationships and didn’t have the option to hide behind my cyber identity.

Honestly, I don’t think it is my place to tell you whether or not online dating is for you; this isn’t one of those things that is explicitly stated in the Bible. All I can share with you are my thoughts and feelings. Really it is between you and God to decipher what is best for you, your relationship with God, and your relationship with your future spouse.

As for me, I have always had a bad feeling about online dating for whatever reason. So many people have tried to get me to try it but for some reason I couldn’t do it. It was something about taking control over my dating life and not fully trusting God that always led me away. I tend to also be naive and feel I could fall for anyone if I was convinced they were the one so I don’t really trust myself on sites like those. I am sad to admit that it also made me feel a little desperate if I ended up making a profile. Like what is wrong with me that I can’t find a guy normally? What is even the normal way? I don’t know. I don’t frequent bars or clubs so that can’t be normal either. I always thought the best type of relationship came from when you weren’t looking for one, which is why I personally struggle with the idea of online dating. I just want to be doing what I love and have someone else do the same thing and poof, the rest is history. My friend convinced me to try tinder as more of a joke awhile back and I must admit that it was rather entertaining. I wouldn’t call it a dating app. It could be used to meet friends, it could be used to hook up with others. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. It was definitely a good ego boost. It felt so good to get a match; I had so many matches- either I was all that or I just didn’t have any standards lol. It was interesting to see the type of people on there. It was funny to see my friends on there too and make jokes about it. My friend recently went back on and is getting his self worth from his “162 matches” and “three dates a week.” I know he is secretly hurting over this. Why? Because it’s not real. I will be doing a ‘Tender Tinder’ 3 part series to talk about the three guys I ended up talking to over the instant gratification app. I learned a lot. And learned that it wasn’t for me. It’s hard waiting sometimes but it’s even harder ending up with the wrong person. Here are some things I’ve learned that will hopefully help you make the best decision for yourself!:)

Pros of online dating:

  1. Perfect for people with a busy schedule. This would be one of the reasons I would join. I don’t have much free time and if I did, the last thing I want to do is go looking for a potential spouse. When there are no possibilities in your current environments, online dating may be prove to be a useful tool.
  2. More options. You open yourself up to a lot more options when you enter the world of online dating. Could even prove to be a great networking tool;-) But keep in mind this also somewhat trains us to be noncommittal. I don’t think the dating sites should be to blame necessarily but rather society’s lack of commit and desire for instant gratification. We are trained through these site that if things start to get tough, you have plenty of other options. Perseverance, fighting for, and working through things seem to be a lost art.
  3. More control. You are able to have more control over your dating life and what you want. It’s up to you to pick the person of your dreams from an array of good looking, successful people. Just be careful you save room for God to show you his best:)
  4. Weeding powers. Unlike traditional dates where it make take awhile to get to know whether or not you like someone, you can knock out potential suitors left and right through a series of straight-to-the-point, deep questions. Who really wants to waste time anyway? If done appropriately, online dating could foster conversation that allows you to get to know the other person more because there’s just something about sitting behind a computer screen that gives us a little more confidence.
  5. Great ego booster. This is probably my favorite because vanity seems to be one of my weaknesses. If you are feeling rejected and alone, having a bunch of people that want to talk to you can make anyone feel good. Just remember it isn’t real; it’s the people that stick around through all the messy and ugly stuff that really love and care about you.

Cons of online dating:

  1. Dangerous. In a recent Tinder experiment, it was noted that one of the main fear women have with online dating is that the men they meet might end up being psycho killers. I know this may seem silly but spend a day reading news articles or watching “I dated a psycho” on Lifetime. Don’t be naive. Don’t be dumb. Some people are legit crazy.
  2. Creeps. While women fear psycho killers, the same study revealed that men fear that the women they meet might end up being fat. Okay really? I understand wanting to be attracted to your girlfriend but come on- can we be a little less shallow? Some people, probably most, aren’t looking for Christ-following, let’s get married partners. Be wise enough to spot those who aren’t and move on.
  3. Liars. You can be anyone you want via the internet. So many of my friends have gotten burned this way. There is something to say about body language and eye contact. It is so easy to stretch the truth, especially when our insecurities get the best of us. If you tend to be too trusting, much like myself, online dating may not be for you.
  4. More control. Yes, this was listed in the pros, as well. Just want to reiterate that when we tend to take control of this in our life, it leaves less room for God to move. Don’t be like Sarah and Abraham from the Bible and put too much into your own hands. Be patient. God is faithful and He is always on time.
  5. Focus on the wrong things. There is a lot of temptation toward an emotion led relationship when on the dating sites. As mentioned previously, it feels good to be chased and to feel valued. Sometimes it is hard to know the difference between what is real and what isn’t and this can be very scary. Subtle deception can occur before you know it and may lead you in too deep to get out on your own.

Tips:

  1. Know what you are looking for and what you are willing to compromise on
  2. Don’t compromise or make excuses for the things that are important to you
  3. Always meet in a public setting
  4. Listen to your gut and don’t continue something just because they are cute or you don’t want to hurt their feelings
  5. Be intentional, upfront, and honest
  6. Look for signs and don’t be dumb; it’s okay to take your time. If they are real, they will wait

Remember online dating is just another tool. Watch out for those looking for quick, emotional affairs rather than intentional, committed relationships.

-the virgin heartbreaker

photo credit: Helga Weber via photopin cc

Weekend Wrap Up- Singular group, Double Date, & Couple’s Game Night

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This past week/weekend brought about a lot of interesting and new experiences for me- some better than others. You can take that as you will. I always look forward to the weekend, especially since mine always consists of three days instead of two;-). Anyway, in case you find my life as exciting as I do continue reading- if nothing else, you can have a few laughs at my expense☺.

Singular Group
Take one guess on what you think this group means? I’ve been going to my church for some time now but I haven’t gotten too involved for various reasons, mainly due to time constraints. My brother was told about this group to try out on Thursday nights and I figured I would try it out too. The only thing I knew about the group was that it was for people who were not married and the worst part was the “all ages welcomed” that was included in the description. My immediate concern was that there will be older than me people there looking for a spouse instead of people my age looking for fellowship. That always freaks me out for some reason. I think church is a great place to meet your spouse or by being involved with church activities but I guess I don’t like it when groups are designed for that. It is just weird to me, something unnatural. I mean I think we should all do are part and not sit at home and expect God to just send our spouse knocking on our front door but I think those groups can lead themselves to put a lot of pressure or awkwardness on people. Along the lines of my previous post about hating the word “date.” Maybe I’m just weird- that is a strong possibility too.

So my brother and I show up at this group about 30 minutes early and I told him that we would watch from the car so we could see who was going in first and scope it out. Is that wrong? There were literally no cars for about 15 minutes but at least we had good conversation about our worst nightmares coming true once we went to the group. I had originally planned to go in 10-15 minutes early but with the way things were looking, I was about to propose we go to dinner instead. It was at about 5 minutes to when it was supposed to start and a car pulls up. I guess a woman in her 40’s would soon emerge from the vehicle, my brother guesses a man in his early 30’s. As soon as their car door opens, we both start laughing. I was right. We wait a few minutes and no one shows up. My brother convinces me to walk over and at least look to see if others are there. We do. We peak in the window and it’s just the woman sitting at a table by herself. I know you might think I’m childish but I call my mom to vent about my hesitation and how this is a waste of time. She calms me down and explains how I should give it a chance. We end up going in and making conversation. More people eventually show up. And there was dinner. Food always makes me happy. The “woman in her 40’s” was actually younger; everyone who ended up showing up was around my age. It really wasn’t that bad and I appreciated the opportunity to meet others. I might even go back:).

Double Date
Friday night I went on a double date with my boyfriend, one of his friends, and his friend’s wife. I haven’t really gone on many of these types of dates in the past, usually because I never really had a date. I was normally the third wheel with my best friend and her husband, even before they were married. As I’ve matured (not sure if this is really true), I would normally find a guy to bring along so it would be more balanced out but it ended up just being more awkward honestly. But this double date was actually fun.

We met them for dinner and I devoured my meal. Just something about chicken and mac n’ cheese that does that to me lol. Afterwards we went to play putt putt and I can be a little competitive when it comes to games, actually probably anything in life. My boyfriend and I made a bet to see who would win.; bets always add a little excitement to it. He is a little competitive too and can be pretty ruthless. I had to win though, mainly because I couldn’t lose. If I won, I get to pick anything from the mall but if he won, I’d have to watch a sci-fi movie. Now you see why I couldn’t let him win. Worst movies ever. I guess that’s what happens when you date a dork, or as he likes to be called- a geek. One the first hole, he got a hole in one. I was ready to go home after that. But I persevered and guess who ended up winning?! I really do thrive under pressure. How else would I have made it this fall in grad school?!;-) My boyfriend ended up coming in last. Hopefully he doesn’t get mad about me posting that. Regardless, double dates can be lots of fun!

Couple’s Night
Saturday night my boyfriend’s parents hosted a couple’s game night. It was guys versus girls and I already had been talking smack. There were about 8-9 couples there who were married; we were the only couple who wasn’t lol. Most of them were older and I actually loved that! I think sometimes younger people tend to hang out with only those of their similar age, but I have learned so much from those that are older than me. They have so much wisdom and life lessons and I always appreciate the opportunity to interact with them, as well as seeing their beautiful marriages.

Anyway, we ended up playing two games- pictionary and taboo. The girls ended up winning by a landslide in pictionary! I wish I had taken pictures of some of the drawings though. We were laughing a lot. Taboo used to be one of my favorite games but is also super tough when you can’t say certain words. One of my favorite parts is buzzing your partner when they mess up and say a word they aren’t supposed to. Unfortunately, my boyfriend is pretty good at following directions so I wasn’t able to buzz him. The guys ended up winning that game but I think the score got messed up;-).

I had a lot of fun this weekend but after writing all of that, it seems a little boring and dull. Maybe that is why most tv shows and movies are filled with affairs and other bad decisions. It some ways they appear exciting and/or make up feel better about our lives. But we don’t have to live with the consequences of those choices in the movies. My life is pretty exciting, fulfilling, and normal. Okay maybe not normal but close. This journey is about growing and learning to love deeper. Hope you all had a fabulous weekend and a terrific Monday!

-thevirginheartbreaker

P.S. Here is the putt putt scorecard for any doubters. My boyfriend took score and he is the first one listed, I am the second:)

scorecard

featured photo credit: LyndaSanchez via photopin cc

Why I hate the word “date”

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Anyone who knows me well or has watched my Facebook through the years knows how I’ve never been a fan of the word “date” or the term “dating.” The guys who have asked me out only for me to respond with, “sure, we should hang out” know this all too well. I think it’s because the word date implies a certain level of commitment and expectation in my mind and honestly I don’t like that pressure, not with a guy I’m not really convinced about yet. If I have ever used the word “date” with you, consider yourself one of the few.

So I prefer to “hang out” with guys. Why? Because in my mind, I am just getting to know them and I don’t feel like I owe them anything. Maybe this is silly and maybe I over analyze a little too much but it has seriously stressed me out before. I think a big part of it revolves around the fact that I don’t want to lead anyone on, especially if I really don’t see a future with someone. I run from the word. It scares me. There have been times when I was okay with the word and that was when I thought I might actually see a future with that particular guy. So for me it’s a matter of using the word with people I like, not using it with those I don’t like or guys I am unsure about. I think we all know this deep down but are just afraid to admit it. This is why girls HATE it when a guy is taking them out but refuses to call it a date. It shows that the guy is unsure about what he wants. And there is no girl who wants to start falling for a guy only for him to say “but we’ve never even dated.” Girls desire a guy they respect and it’s hard to respect a guy when they don’t even know what they want.

There is a certain level of casualness when only hanging out, as opposed to dating. And I like that. But I will admit, if I started to like a guy, I would not appreciate just being his “hang out” buddy. I can however, to a certain extent, respect not being referred to as someone’s date, even though it can be viewed as a big slap in the face. I can’t use the word with someone I’m unsure about so I don’t think I’d really appreciate a guy using the word with me unless he was serious about me. I just can’t. I feel guilty. I feel like I’m leading someone on. I feel like I’m being deceptive. I feel like I’m wasting someone’s time. The truth is, I just don’t know about you and that’s okay. Maybe we should just get to know each other more, in a non-pressuring environment. The beauty with that is, chances are that if it doesn’t work out and we aren’t compatible we can still be friends and it not be awkward. There are ways to find love without breaking so many hearts.  

There is a caveat to this and that is- I don’t think people view the word as seriously as I do and that has created this confusion and unintentional dating scene we see in today’s society, in my opinion. I think that is why one of my favorite authors, Eric Ludy, in his book when God writes your love story  (co-authored with his wife, Leslie) stated the following:

“Personally, I don’t care for the word date. I think it diminishes the grandeur of a God-written love story into a common, everyday sort of thing. If you are stuck on using the word, I won’t fight you. But I prefer to think that God’s version of love and romance is miles above the culturally saturated ideas contained within that weak and ugly word. When two people enter into a relationship that is scripted from start to finish by the Author of love and relationships, they may prefer to view their relationship as something bigger, better, and more beautiful than dating. In short, if you can maintain the honor, the faithfulness of heart, the purity, and the selfless love of Christ at the center of your relationship, go ahead and date. However, if you are holding the pen in your proud hand and messing with a human heart for your selfish pleasure, my advice is, don’t date; instead, go to Jesus and ask Him to change you and change your method for building an intimate love relationship.”

Wow. It sometimes makes me sad to see what the dating culture has become. But I want to encourage you to strive for more. Below are three quick tips that have helped me stay focused on what I ultimately want and need.

  1. Communicate! Don’t allow a silly word to control you. If you are just looking for a friend, communicate that. If you are intentional about getting married, communicate that. Whatever it is, don’t be afraid to ask for clarity. This is your life and it flies by- don’t waste it sitting around guessing what your relationship, or lack thereof, really is.
  2. Be realistic. While communicating is important, please don’t start discussing how bad you want to get married on the first “date.” Be intentional, but don’t put someone in a situation where they have to commit off the bat if they don’t even really know you yet.
  3. Trust your gut. As much as I hate to say it, it’s usually right. I know we always hope for the best and we pray for signs, but oftentimes we dismiss them because we just want to feel loved so much. If you are not feeling secure in whatever it is you are in, read tip one:p

So who wants to go on a date now?

-the virgin heartbreaker

photo credit: KaylaKandzorra via photopin cc

How to lose your date on the first date

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I was talking with a friend from work this past week about how much of a germaphobe I am. Wait, why doesn’t Microsoft Word recognize germaphobe as a real world?! This is very real people. Some people are gross. Okay, maybe gross is a strong word but some of the things people do gross me out. Thus, a discussion of first date don’ts began. I even went to my trusty Facebook friends to hear some of their pet peeves. While mine dealt mostly with germs (lol sorry), there were some other great (or not so great) things my friends added to the list. So if you are aiming to lose your date on the first date, here goes:

  1. Don’t be chivalrous. This one is mostly directed toward guys. Don’t hold the door open. Don’t pay for your date. Don’t tip. Don’t lead. Yes, some women are independent but most still like to be treated like a lady. If you want this date to go somewhere, be aware and follow cues. When you genuinely are interested in someone, you’ll be able to figure out their likes and dislikes, when to push and when to pull.
  2. Talk about about your ex. Okay, I understand if the conversation presents itself and exes get brought but to keep saying things like “my ex really loved this place” or “my ex has an outfit like that” or “that person looks like my ex” is a big red flag. You might need to spend a little more time single and healing before you start dating again. Some things just take time.
  3. Have bad food habits. I feel like a hypocrite writing about this one because I am probably one of the messiest eaters I know, but I love food! Try to eat proper but more specific things that annoy me kind of focus on how selfish I am when it comes to food. “Are you going to finish that?”- never ask me that, unless I offer you some, I want it. Do not, I repeat do not, take food off your date’s plate unless they offer. And this one I probably hate the most- when your date keeps insisting you try what they are having even after you said no thank AND they put it on your plate. I am not going to eat it still.
  4. Be arrogant. I think we think we have to try to prove ourselves to our dates that we are amazing. Sometimes I think this comes from insecurity. Newsflash- if you are amazing, we will see it. Talking about it or trying to prove it tends to lead us to believe you are not. One of my friends mentioned how she stated that she liked something and her date began quizzing her on it. Sometimes we are just trying to find common interests. People like to talk and hope to find someone they are compatible with- if you are making everything a competition and trying to one up your date, you may one up them but you’ll end up alone.
  5. Be a bad conversationalist. Kind of along the same lines of being arrogant, you should not be hogging the conversation. Stop talking about yourself and ask questions. Unless, of course, you are not interested in your date at all and simply want to highlight yourself. If you keep saying “I don’t know” a lot and don’t ask questions, you are kind of leaving your date with very little options. II know some people are better at this than others, but I honestly feel like this one should come naturally, though maybe a little awkward for some, if you are actually interested in the person.
  6. Constantly talk about the same people. Guys- it’s one thing to mention in passing something about your mom or your great relationship with her. But she should not have been the one that picked out and ironed your clothes… Enough said. Furthermore, for guys and girls- do not constantly talk about your friends that are of the opposite sex. Yes, we all have them but if they are all you talk about there may be a reason you are still single.
  7. Stay on your phone. I’ve been guilty of this before. It’s hard in today’s society when our phones contain so much power and the ability to occupy us for any one second of complete silence. But be engaged. You’d be surprised at what happens and what you think of when you put your phone down. And I’ve never been this bad, but one of my friends mentioned how his date kept checking her Facebook and even logged into her match.com profile to see if she had any messages. Yeaaaa, I don’t think that went anywhere.
  8. Have a bad appearance. I’m not talking about looks here but what you do with what you have. Ladies, dress like a lady for your date- not like you are trying to get every man’s attention in the room. Guys, put some effort into your appearance and don’t wear a hat- unless you are at a sporting event and then it’s okay. Everyone, comb your hair and brush your teeth. Also, please don’t pick anything while out- teeth, nose, whatever. Okay, thanks.
  9. Be rude and negative. Not just to me but to the people around us. People tend to put on their best behavior on the first date. Only someone really dumb would be rude to their date- not necessarily because they like their date but because they are wanting something from them. How people treat others that can’t do anything for them is a pretty good indication of how you will eventually be treated. Additionally, there are always going to be things that are depressing and sad happening in our world; the challenge is to find something positive and focusing on making things better. Negativity is contagious and most people don’t want to be around that. Also, don’t gossip or talk about others.
  10. Express wedding plans. If your date is super awesome, it’s okay to potentially think about the future but it’s ONE date. There is so much to still learn about them so keep it to yourself until you get to know each other a little more. Being a little too eager shows that you are impulsive and are led a little too much by your emotions. Don’t put too much pressure on them and give them at least a night’s sleep to process everything;-)

What are some of your first date pet peeves?

-the virgin heartbreaker