Category Archives: relationships

Fifty Shades of Grey: What attracted me to it & what made me stay away

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50 shades

I’ve watched the trailer for Fifty Shades of Grey more times than I should have. I’ve researched. I’ve talked to a very diverse group of people about the subject. 100 million books sold. 250 million trailer views. And while tons of women file into the movie theaters this weekend (Valentine’s Day weekend, how ironic), the woman that plays the lead is hoping her family and childhood friends won’t go and see it. How fitting. Disclaimer: I have not read the book and will not see the movie. My credibility in who I am in Christ is more important than my credibility in writing this post. I personally don’t think I need to do either to say what I want to say so here goes.

What attracted me to it:

1. The excitement of something new. Curiosity. Kind of how we are attracted to the bad guys. It’s something new. It’s something different. So many people have never been exposed to this and feel it’s justified because it’s sold in local bookstores- coming out in theaters. Some may fight me, argue, disagree, but I think we justify these types of books and movies because there is something deeper we are seeking behind the wild sex scenes.

2. The ability to make a difference and feel loved. Christian is not a good guy. He “doesn’t do romance.” Someone correct me if I’m wrong, but I have yet to encounter anyone who has wished for their son to grow up and be like him. Yet to encounter a dad who would want their daughter to date this type of guy. We justify Christian’s behavior because he was abused as a teenager. And we all know women love to change guys and be their savior. But all too many times this is where women find their worth. I can’t speak for everyone but who doesn’t like a challenge? It’s rewarding and it’s satisfying. How awesome would that make me if I can make this young, rich, handsome, successful man change his ways for me?! Feeling valued and loved is one of the best feelings in the world. The fact that Ana impacts Christian’s life makes her feel that way. How hard is it to get a guy to change? Nearly impossible. So seeing this happen gives us hope.

3. The desire to submit. I’m a pretty independent person but I think there is something in each woman deep down that desires to submit to a man. It releases the burden. We feel safe and cared for. We feel comfortable. We can relax. While in this story, I think it’s pretty clear that Ana submits to things she doesn’t really want to- there is something freeing about letting go and allowing the man to lead you. Men were created with this natural instinct, as well. This story and society has just twisted up how these natural tendencies and desires were intended to be.

4. Christian Grey. Grey encompasses a lot of what women are looking for. He is good looking, rich, successful. He knows what will turn Ana on and please her. We believe he cares about her through some of his actions- he grows to care about her and fall in love with her. As much as we would like him to be real, he’s not. It doesn’t stop us from having hope. What’s scary about this [false] hope is that it can cause us to stay in abusive relationships. To stay in a relationship where we think we can change someone. If only life were that simple. As Maya Angelou says “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

What made me stay away:

“We are sinful not because we’re victims of darkness but because we’re lovers of darkness.”- John Piper

1. I understand that I’m programmable. We all are really. Think about it- everyday we are “at school” training our minds, our hearts, our beings into what we desire. Just because we have a desire to do something, it doesn’t mean it’s always right. It doesn’t mean it’s what’s best for us. “The heart is deceitfully wicked, who can understand it?” –Jeremiah 17:9. Sometimes this programming is noticeable, at other times it is more subtle. This book, movie, is desensitizing us to this sort of behavior whether we want to acknowledge it or not. I see the dangers and what it’s doing to our society. Especially to our young girls. One of my biggest concerns is for these young women who look up to their moms and see them and other women reading and watching this. Do we realize what we are doing? Many have developed fears and insecurities from the book- yet are in love with Christian. It’s a damaged concept of intimacy. Many sex shops are expanding their section of BDSM. Tell me it’s just a movie. I heard on the radio today that hardware shops on stocking up on additional supplies, such as rope, in anticipation of this movie. Tell me it’s just fantasy. We are socializing behavior that we don’t really want. This story tells boys that women like violent porn and it tells women they should like it. And there the twisted cycle is birthed of two people engaging in acts that miss the mark on the very beauty that’s behind making love.

2. The abusive relationship is evident. So what is so bad about this anyway? Explicit sex scenes? BDSM? What does that even mean? I’m not going to lie, I had to look it up. Bondage, domination, sadism, and masochism. Do you even know what those words mean? Look them up and tell me they can be interchanged with the words love, intimacy, and respect. The definition of sadism is “enjoyment that someone gets from being violent or cruel or from causing pain, especially sexual enjoyment from hurting or punishing someone…a sexual perversion in which gratification is obtained by the infliction of physical or mental pain on others.” What I think is important to share is that we can’t just look at this type of activity and simply say it’s fantasy and isn’t abuse. Step out of your comfort zone and talk to an abused victim. I don’t think people enter a relationship knowing it’ll turn into an abusive one. This happens over time as we become desensitized to ideas- to acts- to new ways and meanings of “love.” It happens when people put up with things they don’t like for fear of losing that person.

3. It’s a lust story. It’s porn. I won’t beat around the bush. Most people agree with this- whether you want to call it hard porn or soft porn, it’s porn. Do you want your guy watching porn? Most women going to see this don’t want their man watching porn. I don’t think I’ll ever understand it. I don’t desire to be with or look at anyone other than someone I am madly in love with. Someone that will one day be my husband. That to me is what will make sex so great, so intimate, so loving. Christian possesses the exact opposite qualities of love- jealousy, controlling, manipulating, stalking, unstable. He is a slave to his lusts and “tormented by demons with the need to control” according to the published summary of the story. Is this what women really desire? Isn’t self-control a positive attribute? This is not true love. Am I the only one who sees this? Sin promises to please but destroys us instead. It’s like drinking poison because we think it tastes good. And here this movie is destroying our ability to enjoy a real loving relationship because reading and watching this “feels good” while planting alternate desires in our mind instead.

Love is selfless, not selfish. One of the most beautiful things about marriage and the level of intimacy is the fact that it serves as a representation of Christ’s love for us. Pure. Deep. Vulnerable. Sacrificial. It’s the most sacred experience two people can have on this earth. Society tries to diminish this but it’s one of the most beautiful things you will ever experience when you share that intimacy with someone you love. And Satan is fighting tooth and nail to steal that and give us this counterfeit garbage of anything but love instead.

4. My heart and my time is valuable. Even if you aren’t a Christian, several of these verses are just simply good practices for life.

Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. -Proverbs 4:23

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. -Romans 12:2

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. -Philippians 4:8

But I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. -Romans 7:23

Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, -Philippians 2:5

But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. -Matthew 15:8

To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. -Ephesians 4:22-24

If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. -Colossians 3:1-2

Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. –Romans 7:25

But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. -Matthew 5:28

Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. -Colossians 3:2-5

Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. -I Corinthians 6:18

Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. -Romans 6:12

There were so many additional scriptures on this that I left out. Do your own research and look for yourself. You see, if you are a Christian and you believe in the Bible, you have to believe these verses are true and knowingly in good faith, can’t say God is okay with or desires for you to watch or read these types of things. If you are not a Christian, you follow your moral compass- whatever that may be- but you still have to recognize that you can’t separate yourself from what you put in your mind.

The biggest justification for this book and movie I’ve heard is the fact that it’s just fantasy. And maybe you do see it that way. The problem with this fantasy is that it’s showing something that is not okay and should not be chased after in a positive light. Other violence, other sex movies, other “bad” things shown in movies are shown as being wrong. Killing isn’t glorified and we aren’t wishing death on someone. We are typically wanting the good to defeat the evil. This movie is slowly programming you to desire what isn’t good for you. Just because it’s wrapped in a pretty package, don’t think it isn’t affecting you. False hope and false fantasies are cleverly masked with “it’s just a story” and in an attempt to think we are more powerful than what we put into our soul, we slowly start to forget who we are.

“It is so much easier to avoid temptation than to resist it.”

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Dating, Marriage, and Sex: Part 2- How do you date

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Dating Marriage Sex 2

So as I mentioned in my previous post Dating, Marriage, and Sex: Part One- What to look for when looking for marriage, I’m currently working on a series inspired from Ben Stuart’s Sex and Dating series. I previously wrote on a general guideline of what to look for when dating. I am not a fan of checklists by any means; I have actually found that the more I date, the more I realize I have no clue what I want or need in a relationship. I’m thankful God knows me better than I know myself and that I don’t have the burden of that decision. But those guidelines serve as a reminder of foundational things that will remind you of what matters when our emotions may try to get the best of us.

For this post, I want to focus on general principles to consider when you actually begin dating someone you are interested in. I think sometimes we might get excited about someone or jump right in that we forget our whole purpose and intent behind our dating in the first place. Once again, I won’t say these must be followed to a tee or else you are doomed for failure but I do think that by keeping these ideas in mind, you can save yourself a lot of heartache, use your time more wisely, and prevent yourself from getting hurt and hurting others.

1) Date with clarity. Be intentional. Be purposeful. COMMUNICATE. I cannot stress this one enough. We often hear that communication is one of the top attributes to look for in the opposite sex. But what does that even mean? I think we use the word so often that we forget its value. God is not the author of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33). He is not all about these games that we either intentionally or unintentionally play- you’re in control if you care less, it’s their turn to text, I want him to know I like him but I don’t want to appear desperate and the list goes on and on. STOP IT. It’s not healthy and it’s not right.

I see so many relationships that are gray and leave people guessing. How better would we all be if we could just be honest about our feelings with each other? We need to stop leading people on and we need to stop playing with people’s hearts. They are valuable and they are sacred. Be clear with how you feel. If you are only looking for a friendship, say that. If you don’t know what you want, you may need to figure that out on your own rather than at the expense of other people’s hearts.

I’m as independent as they come, but I am a firm believer in the guy being very clear with their actions and intentions. If the guy will be leading our family and home one day, he needs to be able to lead in our relationship. When things are left to chance and guessing, it’s a breeding ground for insecurities.

Guys: If you are interested in a girl, tell her. If you don’t see her that way, tell her. If you are spending a lot of time talking to her, especially about spiritual stuff, she is going to think you are interested in her. She shouldn’t have to guess what your guys’ relationship is.

Girls: Be patient. We also tend to jump the gun and try to initiate things but it’s important that we encourage men to be men. But don’t play hard to get either; you can let them know you are interested but don’t rush things. Patience is a virtue;-)

Oh and this whole asking each other’s friends what’s up thing has got to stop. Talk to each other about your honest feelings. If this is done appropriately with open communication from the beginning, a lot of pain and wasted time can be avoided. We have to remember that we will meet lots of awesome people but we will only marry one. Keep it in perspective. Just because someone is wrong for you, doesn’t mean they are a bad person. Be open to healthy friendships with brothers and sisters in Christ.

2) Date with autonomy. Leading off of the whole brothers and sisters in Christ thing, we must remember that is what we are with each other until we are married. We need to respect one another and love one another with Christ’s love. While dating, both people need to have the freedom to make their own choices- YOU ARE NOT MARRIED YET SO STOP ACTING LIKE IT. Sorry, this one really gets me. Dating is a time to see if you are right for each other so you need to be free to go where God is calling you. It is a very scary thing if you start ignoring God for the sake of who you are dating.

Now, I am not saying be selfish here by any means but you need to have the freedom to make your own decisions. You are not married to the person yet. You cannot force the other person to do anything. If you are already finding yourself changing (and not for the better) because of the relationship, you need to seriously evaluate if this is what you want for the rest of your life. Too many people act like they are already bonded to the person before marriage but you aren’t. Side note, another reason to leave sex out of it. Remember- married people will do married people things- you aren’t there yet.

3) Date with purity. Nothing clouds your vision quite like your hormones do. I cannot tell you how many relationships I’ve seen that only lasted as long as they did because of sex or physical intimacy. This is no joke and it disgusts me how our culture today is doing everything it can to make us believe that you can separate sex and it just be physical. It’s never just physical. I promise you that. Unless you have no heart and are a robot, physical intimacy creates an indescribable bond between two people. If this wasn’t the case, sexual molestation and rape would be things we can just get over as we would if someone punched us in the face but it’s not the same. It has an effect on us in more ways than we know. The point is, it is there and we can’t just lie to ourselves and pretend it isn’t for temporary feelings of satisfaction.

The more your relationship grows in Christ, the more you realize why God tells us to save that special kind of intimacy with our spouse. Putting off the physical aspects in a relationship is beneficial in so many ways. This is potentially someone else’s spouse and you must remember that. If you leave the physical aspects out, I would say you have a greater chance of being friends in the event it doesn’t work out. One of the best reasons I appreciate and value about leaving the physical stuff out is the fact that it allows me to see if I really like the person for who they are. And ultimately, that is what matters most.

You hear so many people say they want a best friend, yet their actions show otherwise. In order to make sure the friendship is there, you have to leave the physical stuff out of it for awhile otherwise it may just be physical attraction binding the two of you. And as I already mentioned, that physical bond is tight and strong but it’s not healthy if that’s all there is. It’s dangerous and damaging. I have many friends that are having issues getting over their exes and I firmly believe the physical relationship is what is hindering the healing process the most.

Save your body for your spouse. It’s such a precious and priceless gift. I can’t wait to give that gift to my husband someday. He is so worth the wait.

4) Date with wisdom. In some ways this ties to dating with purity. God gave us the desire to want to have sex so I’m not going to pretend it’s not there. However, he did intend for it to be shared between a husband and wife. Therefore, I believe it’s our job to be wise and not put ourselves in situations that would be too tempting. This will look different for each of us. You may need to find ways to be private in public. If you are going to date alone, do it in public. This is especially true for younger people who are dating, in my opinion. Don’t expedite the romance and put yourself in a situation that may be too big for you to handle.

Be wise. We all know where our weakness is. For me, it’s the unknown and going along with however the guy is leading and I know this. Therefore, I tend to be upfront in where I stand in the beginning in regards to the physical aspects of a relationship to avoid any confusion, hurt, or misplaced rejection. I don’t believe in kissing early on in the relationship. For me, it would be easy for that to lead to other things, as well as already makes me emotionally attached so I typically am upfront about my thoughts on that and explain why. There are no expectations and it allows us to have a great time and really get to know each other.

5) Date with community. Have others watch the relationship. Make sure you have an accountability partner so you can stay on track. Dating can be hard and tough and confusing. You need someone objective watching. When we are attracted to someone, it is easy for us to go down the path of making excuses for them.

6) Date with patience. I cannot stress this enough. It’s okay to look toward the future and start seeing whether or not you could spend the rest of your life with someone based on your relationship. We all do it. But why do we live in such an instant gratification society? Don’t rush forever. Don’t rush each other. And don’t place too much pressure on each other either. I’m not saying allow yourself to be used but it takes a long time to really get to know someone. Be patient. Enjoy each other. Laugh. Have deep talks. Socialize in groups. Work on projects together. Time always tells. You’ll either grow closer together or further apart.

7) Date with perspective. While who you marry is one of the biggest decisions you will ever make in your life, it’s not the most important. God has a plan for your life. Pray and trust Him. We were created for something bigger than our marriage. Each one of us has a unique purpose. Focus on God and your passions, He’ll take care of the rest if you let Him. God has a perfect plan for your life- do you trust Him?

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” –Psalm 37:4

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” –Matthew 6:33

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” –Jeremiah 29:11

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Dating, Marriage, and Sex: Part One- What to look for when you are looking for marriage

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I have always been a firm believer in never dating just to date. I really don’t see any benefits in that and someone always ends up getting hurt. That will be someone’s spouse one day- we shouldn’t play with people’s hearts or emotions if we aren’t willing or looking to commit. One of the pastor’s I listen to is Ben Stuart from Breakaway Ministries at Texas A&M. He has a wonderful ministry there and I always appreciate his perspective on things. He did a series awhile back and I wish I could find them but the messages were entitled Sex and Dating and had four parts, I believe. I decided to utilize my notes from his messages to write this series for you all because it has helped me so much in reminding me what’s important when it comes to dating. I would like to preface this with the fact that I don’t believe in checklists but this should serve as a helpful guide to help us all think a little more objectively when our emotions may get the best of us. Ultimately, you have to listen to God and make the best decision for your life.

Anyone can get a date. Let’s just get that out there. Sometimes we get discouraged or feel inadequate, that no one likes us or we’ll always be single but the truth is, we could all get married tomorrow if we really wanted to. And we can’t forget that. Lower your standards enough and you can. But we don’t want to and we shouldn’t have to. Sometimes we get caught up on this whole dating and marriage thing as if it’s the most important thing in the world. And while I think we could all agree that I do think it is one of the most important decisions we will ever make, there are far greater things out there we should be thinking about. We must not forget that one of the coolest and most exciting things about marriage is how it represents and shows how much Christ loves us, loves the church.

I think that we tend to be in such a rush to find someone that we miss the gift of singleness. Yes, you heard right- singleness is such an amazing gift. It allows you to be fully devoted to Christ and Him alone. You don’t have anyone else to worry about and aren’t looking for ways to please another. Don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing and with the right one, you both will be so completely powerful together as you both pursue Christ. But with the wrong one, it could prove to be detrimental. Marriage is never about two incomplete people finding wholeness with the other; rather, it is about two complete people complementing each other to create power. THAT is what makes it so amazing and exciting.

Before you even begin to look at dating, you have to have your relationship with God right first. I cannot stress this enough. If you are not complete yourself, you have no business in the dating world because honestly, everyone will fall short. Only when your security and identity is found in Christ, will you be able to engage in healthy relationships. Otherwise, what we see are just mutually exclusive using relationships or partnerships. I hate to be so blunt but that’s what it is and it makes me so sad. Yes, some of them work but they could be so much better! Don’t you want and desire God’s best for your life? Let God fill your heart so you will be complete, lacking nothing and then allow Him to bring the perfect person FOR YOU into life to help complement it. You have to be full of God’s love first if you want to succeed in a loving and healthy marriage. Since God is love and you are full in Him, the rest will just come naturally and you won’t need all these self-help books on how to love or save your marriage, it’s just who you are.

The next six items are things to consider when looking for a spouse. Once again, these are helpful reminders and tips to help us stay focused and not get distracted from what we really want and are looking for. I would also argue that the first two are the most important. The rest don’t necessarily have to be there but I would imagine a lot of hiccups and arguments in the future if they aren’t. Love is the most important thing, but sometimes we need reminders as to what love really is.

1) A believer. 2 Corinthians 6:14 says “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” You can’t really get more clear than this. One, God says it so I would follow it since God only has our best interest at heart. Two, think about it. If God is the most important thing in your life, two things could either happen- you start to resent the person you are with because you can’t share the most important thing in your life with them or two, your relationship with Christ begins to suffer as you start compromising. There have been some very rare instances where the unbeliever gets saved from what we call “evanga-dating” where you witness to your unbelieving partner. However, this is only because of God’s grace and should never be a model for what we pursue.

2) Someone who is morally submitted to God. This one is so important. If you aren’t really following Christ, I would question how much you really believe. I will sum this one up with a quote from Matt Chandler:

“Can I say something to young ladies here? I’m trying to pick my words carefully here. Your husband, whoever he is, single ladies, will have an unbelievable amount of influence over your sons and daughters in regards to spiritual things. If you want your children to love Jesus deeply, hold out for a man that is Godly. And let me tell you this: I am well aware that Godly men are rare. Lots of neat Christian boys, not a lot of Godly men. And we’re working our tails off for you to try to develop some into that. But don’t settle, because it’s better to be lonely now than you be married and lonely later. Are you tracking with me? It is better that you be lonely now than for you to get married to a man that will teach your kids everything but the way of Jesus.”

3) Someone who is moving at the same pace. This is so important. Okay, I find myself saying that a lot but it is so true because I’ve been there and it doesn’t work. You do not want to date or marry a guy you are having to drag to be the spiritual leader. It gets exhausting. I can’t tell how many times I’ve had to encourage the person I’m with to go to church or do devotions with me. It’s fine for a friendship but I am looking for a man to lead me and my family one day. I have such a strong personality outside my personal life, that all I desire is to be lead when I am home- safe and secure. And I don’t think that is wrong. God calls women to submit to their husbands and I have such a strong desire to do that but it has to be to someone I believe in, that hears God and I can look up to and admire. We are always to be chasing after God and how easy and comforting is it if we have someone there who is moving at the same pace as us? We are only here for a short time; you don’t need to settle for someone who will only slow you down.

4) Someone who is theologically compatible. While I don’t think this one is a deal breaker, I do think it is important. I had someone break up with me because we weren’t on the same page in regards to infant baptism, spiritual gifts, and predestination. I was willing to compromise on them because I didn’t think they were deal breakers; he was not. What it came down to was he didn’t want me teaching our kids what I believed as he thought he was correct and 100% right in what he believed. As you can see, this would have created numerous arguments down the road. My personal opinion is that there is not necessarily one denomination that is better than the other but that the person truly has a relationship with The Lord. I believe that there are things in the Bible that are clearly stated, while others are a little more grey. It is up to the two of you to share and discuss your individual relationships with Christ (always look for someone who has a personal relationship with Christ and not just someone who can quote off scripture or popular theologians- personal experience;-) and the Bible to ensure you are on the same page in your beliefs.

5) Someone who is socially compatible. I think this one can change over time but this is where it’s imperative you already have your identity in Christ. Once you know who you are, you can begin figuring out what your purpose is. Oftentimes, we confuse the two or get them backwards, or worse- find our purpose and/or identity in another person. What’s scary is if you don’t know your purpose yet and you end up marrying someone else who does have a clear direction and purpose, only to find out it’s not the direction God had planned for you. I do think sometimes another person can help aid us in finding our purpose so I don’t want to discredit that. But at the same time, God created a deep desire within us to accomplish something for His kingdom utilizing our personal gifts. What a tragedy it would be if we miss out on that by marrying the wrong person. Only you can know this one. If your heart is for missions overseas, you may not be most compatible with a person who feels called to stay in the states and do something else. I don’t know though. I still feel with real love, both people can accomplish big goals for God that may eventually change. Just something to think about.

6) Someone you are physically attracted to. Alright, I am going to be honest- when I first heard this series, I thought this last one was totally superficial. I’ve been around long enough to think that looks won’t matter if I can really find someone who loves God. However, I recently dated a guy that I was not attracted to at all but I thought he really loved God so I was willing to look past that. I did start to think he was cuter when I got to know him more. However, I was never really attracted to him. Our relationship never went anywhere for other reasons but I did spend some time thinking about the attraction thing. I finally concluded that God does not desire for us to be with someone we aren’t attracted to. There is nothing wrong with wanting someone you are attracted to. Thankfully, we are all attracted to different types of people so I don’t believe we will have to settle in this area. It’s not asking too much to have a godly, cute person:)

Wow, okay that was a lot longer than I anticipated. Check back later this week because I’ll continue this with my next post on how you should date because we all know that’s just as confusing;-)

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The difference between loving someone and being in love

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I love all of my exes. I am not in love with any of them. There is a difference, there has to be a difference. But what is it exactly? Does being “in love” go away? I’m not really sure but I have a flood of thoughts that run through my head that I felt like sharing. I think the Bible talks about many different types of love, but we just use the one word love. It’s kind of sad when you think about. The same word is used in the context of “man, I love this pizza” and “I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” Like whoa. Let that sink in for a second.

I posed this to my friends and all of their responses just confused me more. There were some real honest feelings spoken that I appreciated and they made me think more. Although my friend that posted “I love my children with all my heart and nobody bats an eye; I fall in love with my daughter and everyone loses their minds,” made me laugh while pointing out that there is indeed a difference.

You can love people you don’t necessarily like. I don’t think you can be in love with someone you don’t even like. Yea, I’m sure there will be times you don’t like the person you are in love with because of something dumb or annoying they did but in general you like them. I think the being in love aspect adds a new dynamic where you like them as a person and who they are, aside from any romantic feelings. And then that grows into a love for them. Sometimes it just stops there. Other times it continues to grow into something more. People use the term fall in love and act like it’s a bad thing because you don’t fall into anything; but, I see falling in love as something that grows and develops over time. If you have it from the beginning, I don’t see how that can be real love. Infatuation, maybe lust, dependency, obsession but don’t call it love. You don’t even know the person yet. I think more times than not, we are simply in love with the idea of being in love. It’s when real life happens and push comes to shove that we see where we’re really at, how we really feel, and what really matters most to us. When you are in love with someone you will do anything for them and nothing else matters because honestly, love is what makes us feel most alive. Real love is what keeps us going- not our job, our money, our fame, our house. So many people have all of these things yet feel so alone and empty. And I know some of my readers aren’t Christian but I firmly believe that this type of love can only come as a result of knowing Christ’s love. Otherwise, love is just all these things that I believe it isn’t- choosing to do the right thing, attraction, lust, fleeting feelings. It’s a beautiful thing when two people with the same understanding of love fall in love with one another. I don’t think there is anything as powerful as love.

I liked what one of my friends said: “If you love someone and are romantically involved then you are in love with them. I don’t understand how it’s more complicated than that.” He’s right. But how do those romantic feelings evolve? Over time. Do they always evolve? I don’t think so. I do think there has to be some level of attraction but I’m not going to say a huge, strong one. Mainly because I have dated guys who I thought were cute but as I grew in my love for them and I got to see who they were, they became more attractive to me. So how do these “in love” feelings evolve? Nothing is a substitute for time. We are living in such an instant gratification society right now that everyone thinks they need to know to know if the guy or girl they just met is their soulmate. What?! It’s crazy, yet we do it. But that being in love feeling- if that’s even what you want to call it- stays or grows as you strengthen and deepen your relationship with someone. When people fall out of love, that’s when they get to know more about that person and don’t like what they see. The “in love” happens when they do like what they see. That’s why you just can’t rush this, you can’t. Well you can but you might end up stuck in a relationship you never really wanted or you get a divorce. Both sound awful. The problem is that most of us don’t take the time to actually analyze our feelings. There is no such thing as “I just wasn’t feeling it.” Think about it some more. There is something you don’t like. Either about that person or about how that person makes you feel about yourself. Whatever it is, listen to it. In time, things either get better or worse. Pay attention.

I had some friends talk about how being in love is when you can’t live without them. Not that you can’t, but you feel like you can’t. That’s what happens when you do really love someone. If you can live without me so well- why don’t you? That’s my thinking. Maybe a little cynical. Others say you are incomplete or something is missing. I wouldn’t say incomplete but it’s okay to fill like something is missing isn’t it? One of my friends explained how she is better because of her husband, he inspires her to be better and how she is in love with him and everything about him. I think that’s important.

I don’t think being in love is just a phase of feelings. I don’t think it fades with time. I think, if anything, it grows with time. I hope to consistently fall more and more in love with my husband as we grow together and spend our lives together. When trust, love, loyalty, and kindness all continue to grow and increase- how can I not? The more we open up with each other, are vulnerable, love each other with flaws and all, feel safe, free to be ourselves, respect and feel inspired, and feel loved, liked genuinely loved I don’t see how I would not be in love with someone like that. Especially when I know and recognize how rare it is. That’s how I feel at least. With all my guys, I have either fallen more in love with them or less as I got to know them. Yes, I could have chosen to still love them regardless of my feelings of not wanting to, but why? I can still love them. Doesn’t mean I should marry them and spend the rest of my life with them. No, I hope to do that with someone who I continuously fall more in love with. Is that asking too much? I would hope that they’d fall more in love with me too.

I think many people get married to people that they love, not people that they are in love with. And I guess that’s okay. Two people can make it work. It’s all about priorities and preferences I suppose. But I couldn’t do it. Maybe that’s why I’m not married. I need something more if I’m going to commit to someone for the rest of my life. I don’t know if that’s wrong or not. But I can continue to love many people and remain single, it’s not that bad. To me, it would be worse to be married to someone I’m not really in love with. So I will wait. I had someone say once, “If love in love hurts so much when it ends and if it feels like you’re dying when you’re not with the person you love, then that sounds like a horrible feeling to me.” And he is right. It is awful but I think that’s what also makes it so beautiful. I don’t want to marry someone I just love because honestly what’s the point? I can love them and stay being friends. I want something more. I don’t think I know what being in love feels like honestly but until then, I will wait. Keep loving. And pray that when it happens, I will know. Because I think I already know what it’s not and I have no desire to settle for that.

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My best worst date ever

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I’m not sure why I’m starting out the new year with this type of post but here goes lol. I have had some pretty interesting dates over my manyyy years of dating- okay okay, I’m not that old people! But they were talking about worst dates on the radio the other day and I was talking to some of my friends on Facebook about our experiences and there are some weird stories out there! Mine was not that bad. Okay, maybe it was. Here it is, in three parts. Yes, three.

The first date:
I still remember talking to a couple of my girlfriends about all of our current guy situations. Yep, it’s true- guys dominate a lot of our conversations. One of my friends had recently went out with this guy and was telling us all about her “fun” experience. She described this guy as maybe too religious and then thought of me. I’m not sure if I should have been offended by that or not lol. Even though her date was bad, I was single and thought why not give him a try. At the very least I’d have a good story and boy do I. Standards, Sarah, standards.

Nick and I decided to meet at a central location to both of us at a local bookstore. We met around 7 and would decide what to do from there. From the minute Nick and I met, he wanted to know what our mutual friends had said about him (as in my friend that went out with him.) I’m typically a pretty patient person when it comes to that, but I finally had to tell him to stop caring about what other people think about him. It was so annoying to say the least. But it gets better. He asked what we should do. Sidenote- I like a guy that plans and comes up with ideas so I might have already started thinking less of him and judging at this point. My bad. I suggested we go eat because it’s dinnertime and I’m starving. Nope, he just ate. Wow, thanks. I suggest the mall, which was right across the street. Nope, too many people. Alright. I suggest the beach and pier, which was about 10 minutes away. Nope, too far. At this point I was already giving up. He suggested the park that was right across the street. I said fine but I was going to drive through Steak n’ Shake first because I was starving and meet him there. I did- with a burger, fries, and milkshake in hand. We talked. I ate. It was okay. Mostly dull. Mostly about him. It was fascinating. I didn’t know there were people out there who were really this self-absorbed. We got kicked out of the park because they were closing and went across the street to another park and continued to walk and talk. We did have some good conversation and he is a nice guy, there was just nothing there. I didn’t think we’d go out again but we did. You could say I’m a glutton for punishment.

Date two:
So you’re probably wondering why in the world I would go out with Nick again. Yea, I still don’t know either. We would text on and off after our first date and we had made a silly bet over politics and he won. Loser was supposed to take the other to dinner. We agreed on a place to go which was his idea- central location yet again. While walking up to the restaurant, he asked me if the place was good. I told him that I didn’t know because I had never been there. He then proceeded to ask me why I picked the place and I told him that I didn’t. He said I did. We argued in the parking lot about this. Real mature, I know. Turns out I was right and he misread my text. He still owes me a movie for being wrong. Since we were at an outdoor mall with several restaurants around, we decided to walk somewhere else. On our walk, he told me not to worry, that he would pay for his half of the check. Uhh thanks? Maybe I’m a little old fashioned but seriously. Am I wrong for thinking he should have still paid? Maybe I’m spoiled. I don’t know. I wish I could say it got better.

We went to a pizza place and both got water. He asked if I wanted to share a pizza and I said sure. He wanted to know what I wanted on it and I told him I didn’t care- whatever he wanted was fine. I just wanted garlic knots. We ate and we fought. Maybe it was my fault because I love talking about taboo topics such as religion, politics, and sex. He zoned out once during dinner and told me how he felt bad for fat people. That was weird. One time he told me not to interrupt him and let him finish talking. Wow. And just so we are clear, I am a pretty passionate person, but always respectful so that definitely blind-sided me.

Dinner was great- as in the food. We had to get a to go box for the rest of the pizza; I actually only ate one slice because I filled up on garlic knots. I took two additional slices to go and Nick took a total of five. I’m mentioning this for a reason. When the check came, Nick looked at it for awhile and then asked how we should split it. Mind you, there are only two items on it- our pizza and the garlic knots (which he ate too). I knew what he was thinking- he didn’t want to pay for the garlic knots since I ordered them. His face said it all. I said we could split it down the middle. He paused for a second and then agreed. Such a charmer.

We ended up walking around to different shops- he needed a beanie. This guy is so vain. He is good looking but oh my gosh, he thinks he is the best thing since slice bread. We go into Old Navy and see a family taking photos with the mannequins and I could tell he wanted one but was kind of shy. I offered to take it for him. Most people would take a picture with each other; my date wanted one with a mannequin. He then tried on several beanies and asked me how each one looked. They all look the same! Ahh. He finally decides and we continue to walk. I did want to stop into Claire’s for a second to see if they had any phone cases, don’t judge me. We were in the store for no more than a minute when I noticed Nick wasn’t in the store anymore. I go to look for him and he is outside wandering. I asked him what he was doing and he thought I said I was ready to go. Wow. Okay then.

We end up walking back to our trucks and I hug him, say thanks, and tell him I had a good time. As I start walking back to my truck he made a big mistake; he asks me if I meant that. Did I really have a good time? He shouldn’t have asked that. I had to be honest. We end up talking for over an hour in the parking lot. It was actually the best part of all of our interactions. We got to talk about some pretty deep stuff. Long story short, I just didn’t think he was ready to date yet. Obviously I care about him and this was all in good fun. I never have met someone I didn’t care about. And not everyone we go out with is going to be the person we marry. That’s okay. To quote Madea- some people come into your life for a lifetime, others for a season. For whatever reason, Nick and I met.

Third times a charm:
Nick contacted me not too long ago and we decided we should catch up. We met at a restaurant and he actually paid for my food and drink with no hesitation. Maybe my talk with him actually did work;-) But he’s moved on- to cougars and pretty women. I love catching up with him and I’d like to think we’ll always be friends. Maybe not after he reads this post though. Oops!

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New Year, New You? My 2015 New Year’s Resolutions & Great Ideas for YOU!

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Common phrase isn’t it? What attracts us to this catchy phrase so much is the fact that we don’t like ourselves. At least we don’t when that phrase sounds appealing. And what better time to make changes than with the new year? I’ve had many New Year resolutions in the past- things I didn’t like, areas I wanted to improve in my life:

  • Read the Bible in a year
  • Only listen to Christian music while diving
  • Journal everyday
  • Go to the gym at least three times a week

The thing I like most about this time is the self- reflection component. I always look at myself and try to pick things that will improve my weak areas. Last year I was feeling pretty ambitious and came up with this list:

  • Write down one thing I’m thankful for each day
  • Write a prayer for someone I know each day
  • Write a short entry about my day each day
  • Reach out to a total of 52 people
  • Pay it forward to people at random times
  • Read the entire Bible again

The only thing I fully completed was writing at least a sentence each day about what happened. Can I have my pat on the back now? Haha. I got overwhelmed to say the least. I like lists- they keep me focused and I can track my accomplishments. The problem I was having however, was the fact that each of these things were designed to better me but they were actually having a negative effect. I prayed, I read, I wrote, and I thanked- just to check it off my list. Real noble, right? And because of this I started to lose heart. Was I really making a difference? What was I really accomplishing?

I want this year to be different. If everything you are doing is mandated, where is there room to hear the Holy Spirit? Where is your flexibility? I believe in structure but not too much. It was with this in mind that I settled on what I want to do this year and what I hope to accomplish:

  • Christian Accountability– I started up a Facebook group again for sharing and accountability utilizing uplifting thoughts, quotes, songs, whatever. This is a place for people to share ideas and receive encouragement to grow closer to God in their own ways whether it’s through music, reading, praying, etc. I hope to not only help others but continue to grow in my walk with the Lord.
  • Passion Planner– I stumbled across this awesome planner that allows each unique person to focus on what is important to them. It takes planning to a whole new level. I can’t wait to start! I’m such a nerd:p
  • Rememberlutions– I love this! Basically you write down good things that happen throughout the year and place them in a jar or some other container. At the end of the year, you get to read them and remember all the good things that happened over the previous year. This is great for me because I always seem to forget everything I did lol.
  • Who I am– Oftentimes I get focused on what I am doing rather than who I am. I want to focus on who I am rather than what I do. Here is where my flexibility comes in. Rather than a checklist of items, I want to be more aware of myself and my surroundings to be able to hear the Holy Spirit so I can grow and improve myself and the relationships around me.

That’s all. Pretty simple, huh? I’m so excited for the new year and seeing all God has planned for me! In case you are interested, here are some other cool resources and articles I found regarding resolutions:

1) Getting organized– This is a great article on getting organized in the new year. ( I needed this:p)

2) Excellent Bible reading plans for 2015– pick the one that’s best for you!

3) 10 toxic people you shouldn’t bring into the new year– Enough said.

4) Cool ideas for things to do this coming year– minus the cussing in some parts, these are some pretty good ideas.

5) Lifestyle resolutions– this were some great ideas for improving your life!

6) Rememberlutions– what I was talking about earlier and what I’ll be doing this year!

I thought I had more on eating and exercising but apparently not. The truth is, you can start fresh any day but why not take this opportunity now to make some positive life changes? We can always learn, grow, and improve. God gave you this precious life for a reason- find your passion and get out there and start doing it.

Happy New Year! xoxo

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Please date other people

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These are some of the toughest words I’ve ever said but also the most needed. We all want to feel like we are the only one, that we are special, we are worth it. It makes us feel loved, valued, and appreciated. I love feeling this way. But there is something I need more. I need you to date other people.

I need to not feel pressured while I’m getting to know you. I don’t want to know that you are putting all your eggs in one basket with me and that if I decide we aren’t meant to be, your life won’t be destroyed. I don’t want to cause another heartbreak. I don’t want to be the cause of pain. But it’s that or stay with someone I don’t’ really love. Both options aren’t right. There should be more options. That’s what’s kept me away from dating for so long. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I have many guy friends who have been hurt by that one woman. I don’t want to be that woman. Ever.

I need to know you aren’t wasting your time with me.
I need to know you can be patient with me.
If I’m the only one, please don’t make me feel guilty; I tend to shut you out and run.

I need you to date other people for you too. It’s so easy to like someone when they are the only one you have. You make it work. You even change yourself if it’s not working. But I want to see the real you. And you deserve to see the real me too. When you date multiple people, you can compare and learn more about what you like and don’t like. I’ve heard people say you shouldn’t compare but I’m not sure why. You deserve the best. And I believe the best is worth waiting for. We could all settle today if we really wanted to. Lower our standards enough and there’s somebody there waiting. But that’s not what we want and we know that. Don’t settle for Mr. or Ms. Right Now.

Do you know how much more valuable I’ll feel knowing you have dated other girls and still chose me?! I really can’t commend you if I was your only option. Take your time. Get to know me- before being sold on my great looks and dashing personality:p Okay, I’m halfway kidding but this does happen to me a lot more than I care to admit. And I don’t like it. It feels good for my ego but deep down I don’t like it. My heart, the most important and valuable thing about me, is minimized.

Why is it that the best relationships started as friendships and some of the worse ones involved people who jumped the gun? Think about it. I’m looking for something that’ll last; not just feel good right now. And for me, dating multiple people allows me to be myself more and truly get a feel for what I’m looking for. So many people stay stuck in bad relationships because they don’t believe there is anything better. Oh, but there is. You just have to be willing to wait for it. As one of the best quotes I’ve ever heard states- “You’ll never leave where you are until you decide where you’d rather be.”

I’m not acting like this phrase is easy to say or hear. It requires you to be vulnerable and take risks. Sometimes people use this phrase because they really don’t like you and feel guilty about it. But it requires a lot of strength to say. You risk losing a person you might truly love in hopes of obtaining someone that truly loves you. When you hear it, you don’t know how to take it. Are they caring about you or do they really not care about you? I hate it. God tells us to guard our hearts. So be yourself. Love. But take your time. Trust that God will show you the right one when the time is right. You both will know. After all, you’re only looking for one ‘right one’ anyway;)

*date as in having many friendships with guys/girls that you may be interested in. I DO NOT mean being physically involved with those people. That’s another sure-fire way to distract you from reality. signature

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Rebounding is not always such a bad idea

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I’d like to preface this with what I would hope to be common knowledge given the title of my blog but just in case- I do not mean rebounding in any physical manner. However, I do believe rebounding in other ways may prove to be very beneficial and healthy.

Going through break-ups are rough. Unless you decide to not have a heart and cut off all emotions (which I have seen before) you will experience pain and heartbreak when you go through a break-up. While I have not done any studies on it, I do think that you experience more pain with the ones you cared about the most, the ones you allowed inside your heart. It’s so crappy when it happens because part of you never wants to experience that hurt again but at the same time it’s rewarding because even after all the pain, at least you can feel and have the capacity to love. To me that’s everything.

Nothing is a substitute for time after a break-up. However, it is what you do during the time after a break-up that affects your healing process most. I think we all deal with it in unique and different ways. I’m a huge fan of closure and for me, I sometimes put myself through more pain because it helps me to truly get over someone and have no regrets. While my healing process may be different than yours, I don’t think it’s really all that unique. I question the relationship- if I could have or should have done anything different. Was it my fault things ended- were my expectations too high? I remember the good times. I stalk social media pages and wonder if they are missing what we had. Because truthfully, while we may miss each other I think what we miss the most is feeling loved. I tend to close myself off to anyone else because I know I am vulnerable and just want to feel loved again. So I don’t look for anyone else for awhile, I won’t open myself up until I feel completely healed.

It sounds good in theory but what happens during that time of healing? We don’t go out and we don’t allow anyone in. That forces us to only think about that one person we had. So in hopes of feeling loved, we try to convince ourselves our ex wasn’t that bad because we don’t want to be alone. This is why you see so many people go back to their exes, back into bad relationships. This is why people settle. And it’s so scary because I’ve been there so many times.

I went through a break up not too long ago and I am now currently talking to a guy that recently got out of a relationship, as well. My old self would have said this is a recipe for disaster. “Don’t talk to me, I need to be alone for a long time” would be my response. But this guy is fun and honest and real. We are able to talk and communicate about what is going on inside of us. I have a feeling we will always be friends no matter where our paths may take us. We think a lot alike and have very similar interests. It’s a different feeling than I am used to and I like it. I am so glad I met him and that we came into each other’s lives. I’ve already learned so much more about myself because of him. When you don’t see anyone else, you naturally think it won’t get any better than what you had. He reminds me what it is I really want when I had forgotten in my previous relationships. He gives me hope. Likewise, he was hanging onto the thought of hopefully getting back with his ex because that’s all he knew, all he saw. Meeting me has reminded him of what he is really looking for, things he didn’t think were out there. It’s crazy how in some ways we came into each other’s lives to renew our hope. Some may call it rebounding and that’s okay with me. But this kind of rebounding shouldn’t have a negative connotation. We aren’t using each other. We’ve set boundaries. We like each other and we appreciate each other. It gave us fresh eyes to move forward and to move on.

I sometimes wonder if we hadn’t come into each other’s lives if we would still be hurting or wishing for something in the past because we saw no future. Society tells us it’s wrong to rebound and not fair to the other person. And I would agree, especially if you are using someone just to feel better about yourself. But I don’t think there is anything wrong with putting yourself out there in order to heal and do what you need to do. I still am a firm believer in self-reflection and alone time. Don’t rush into something just because you are lonely, but don’t close yourself off just because you’re scared. There is so much hope out there, so much love. Give yourself another chance. You left that person for a reason and God has that perfect one for you out there. Go explore and never settle.

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There is no such thing as right person, wrong time

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Seriously. I’ve heard this numerous times and I just read an article entitled something along the lines of “The joys and pains of meeting the right person at the wrong time.” Umm what?! I’m sorry, but do you realize how rare it is to find the/a right person? And let’s be honest for a second, maybe it’s just me, but if I found what I thought was the right person, I don’t see how or why the “wrong time” would have to stop us from being together. So what do these “wrong times” really mean?

  • The “I just got out of a relationship and need to be single for awhile” excuse. I’ll let you in on a little secret- 99% of the time this line is used as a nice way to reject someone. The other 1% actually recognizes what is going on inside them and hopefully expresses it well enough to let the other person know they can still enjoy a friendship with one another. Besides, starting out as friends is always a plus. The right one will be patient. So tell me how this was really the right person at the wrong time again?
  • The “I just think we are headed in different directions” excuse. Basically, something else is more important to me right now and this relationship is not worth it. You are a great person but more than likely not the one I’m supposed to be with so I’m okay with letting you go. Love always finds a way and if I really thought you were the right person, I’d find a way to be together, while still pursuing my dreams. It’s not rocket science, but it does require two people who both feel the other is the right person for them.
  • The “I’m just too young and don’t know who I am yet” excuse. Legit excuse. However, who says you can’t figure out life with the right person? If anything, I think the right person would be a complement to you and would only help to strengthen and encourage you. But then again, we often get this confused with the wrong person who we like but something deep down in our gut tells us something is wrong. Therefore, this wonderful excuse was born.
  • The “We live in two different places” excuse. While I understand this is a hard one, I firmly believe it’s doable. After realizing how rare it is to find someone you actually like and could see yourself being with for the rest of your life, I honestly believe that with the right person, you can make anything work. This might include giving up on something that is not that important to, compromising, or managing a long distance relationship for a certain period of time. I think we forget that one of the greatest things about being in a healthy relationship is having someone that loves you no matter what and encourages you to achieve all the dreams God placed in your heart. The wrong one will not understand this and have a cookie-cutter life planned out and run the minute things don’t go according to plan.
  • The “This could never work long term” excuse. This one is open-ended. Our families don’t get along. We have different beliefs. You annoy me. Really, this could be anything. We like the person for whatever reason but we don’t want to be with them for the rest of our lives and that’s okay. There will be many people we like for different reasons but that does not mean they are the right person for us. It’ll work with the right person no matter what obstacles may come your way.

What all of these have in common is the fact that they weren’t the wrong time; they were the wrong person for you if you were willing to let them go. Let’s call it what it is. Besides, would the right person really leave you? That doesn’t sound like the kind of right person I would want to be with anyway. And if I’m not willing to work through it or make it work, I deep down don’t think they are the right person either.

Maybe we just need to redefine the term “right person.” Sometimes a right person will come into our life only for a season. We grow, we learn but it doesn’t necessarily mean we are to spend the rest of our lives with this person. This term “wrong time” has such a negative connotation. Embrace the time you have with those at given times in your life. Some come for a lifetime, others for a season and that’s okay. These people can be the right person at the right time. They are a great person, cool person but not the right person (marriage), for us at least. So can we please stop lying to ourselves? Can we please stop using this as a cop out to avoid rejection or rejecting someone else. It’s not the wrong time- it’s just that we are don’t see this going anywhere further and that is nothing to feel bad about.

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To the girl who regrets waiting until marriage for sex

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There is an article going around about a woman who waited until her wedding night to lose her virginity and how she wished didn’t. If you are interested in reading it, it can be found here. One of my friends sent it to me and as I was thinking about my thoughts regarding it, I decided to make them into a blog post as a means to hopefully clarify what I believe went wrong.

I first want to start off by saying her sex life sounded awful. It breaks my heart and is certainly not how God intended it. Sex is a great thing. God created it and it is talked about and encouraged in the Bible several times. To me, it represents a whole new level of intimacy that I hope to share with the man I love as I get to be vulnerable and allow him to love me on a deeper level as well. I look forward to this day. It is beautiful and wonderful… IF you have a proper understanding of why God designed sex and if shared with the right person. And therein lies the problem. Her problems started before her wedding. Her problems began before she even met her husband. They started when she was a kid.

  1. Samantha stated that she decided to save herself for marriage because she believed that true love waits. Why? What does that even mean? How is it true love if you wait and not if you don’t? My feeling is that she didn’t know the answers to these questions. There are so many benefits to waiting until marriage to have sex and there are no cons if you truly marry the one God has for you. It is so easy to bring additional problems into the marriage and then blame God’s rules for them. One of my favorite pastors, Andy Stanley, once said there are no such things as marriage problems, just single people problems that get brought into the marriage and I couldn’t agree more. If there is one thing I have learned, it’s that God wants what is best for us more than anyone in this world could ever want. He would not withhold anything good from us. And just because we may not understand exactly why at the time, if we have a true relationship with Jesus, He will show us why. Sometimes I’m okay with just trusting God because I know He loves me, other times I ask Him to show me things and I actually put some effort into finding the answers and He does show me.
  2. 10 years old. She made a big deal about how she was too young to make the pledge at that age. I don’t think this is too young given our culture today. Maybe it was too young for her though and the proper age may be different given your specific environment. I doubt this had much effect, however.
  3. What her church taught was a lie. What scriptures did they use? Sex is for married people and it is sinful and dirty outside of marriage. You should want to remain pure for your husband, but because you love him not just because you don’t want to go to hell. I’m sorry but if you do or don’t do anything because you don’t want to go to hell, that is really selfish and not about love at all. And God’s number one commandment is love. There was no love in her church or interpretation of it. And just to be clear, the responsibility to remain pure is the same for both women and men. I have nooo idea where her church got the idea that men weren’t held to the same standard. This sounds more like a legalistic cult rather than a loving church.
  4. Your virginity should never be your identity but an action that follows as a result of who you are and what your identity really is in Christ. Samantha noted that it did become her identity and that was another problem. No wonder she couldn’t enjoy sex. If you lose what you are dependent on for your identity of course nothing good is going to come as a result. My life would be over if I lost Christ. He defines me. I would be lost without Him. But it’s Him that defines me, never my virginity.
  5. Why the heck would she feel dirty, wrong, or sinful having sex with her husband?! It sounds like she was taught that sex in general was bad and it’s not. It’s great. And it’s best when shared with the person you decided to spend the rest of your life with and make that commitment. You should only ever feel that way if you give away part of yourself to the wrong person. I can’t wait to have sex and it will be enjoyable (after the initial pain;) with the right person- awful with the wrong one because you do give away a part of yourself and it’s extremely scary if it’s not the right person. It also sounds like she didn’t trust her husband enough to be open with him during this. I would never marry someone I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to about these things. There were definitely some communication issues. This would not have been solved by having sex a bunch prior to marriage. I will say sometimes people rush marriage because they are waiting until marriage for sex, as well. This is never good either. I don’t know what their motive for getting married was, but sometimes lust is the main reason. That will never end well if that’s the case.
  6. She had religion but not a relationship. Her view of God was so incredibly wrong. I cannot stress this enough- you do not remain pure because you don’t want to go to hell or want God to bless your marriage! These were her reasons mentioned. You do it because you love God and you love your future spouse. Am I the only one that sees this? I don’t do nice things because I don’t want to be treated badly by people; I do them because I love and care about people. When you truly move from following a set of rules and guidelines and start developing a loving relationship with Christ, your whole life changes and that’s why they call it being born again.

This article truly broke my heart because she was not able to fully enjoy sex, or make love as I prefer to call it, because she was never really shown what Christ’s love was all about. Please don’t forget that just because someone goes to church or says they are a Christian doesn’t mean they really are. It goes much deeper than that. I truly hope she realizes one day that her problem wasn’t the fact that she didn’t sleep around before marriage, but that she never had a proper relationship with Christ of knowing how much He truly loves her.

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photo credit: Georgie Pauwels via photopin cc