Category Archives: Uncategorized

3 reasons to keep your options open

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This almost seems like the antithesis of one of my most valued characteristics: loyalty. But that is precisely what I’m saying. I think somewhere along the way we started to blend liking someone, dating, and marriage. Having all of our eggs in one basket, not open to anyone else. Now I know what you might be thinking- what is so wrong with that? Well, here’s my theory of why you should keep your options open:

So you can be yourself

I had recently started talking to someone and I caught myself filtering what I was saying. Like how can I make this not sound like I’m arrogant? I was wondering if what I would say would align with his beliefs. But I was glad I caught myself because I stopped to think about why I was doing that. I realized this was a guy I was interested in, who also liked me, and I didn’t want to mess that up- as if being myself could mess that up. It was then that I told myself there were a couple other guys I was interested in and if for some reason this guy decided not to like me anymore it was okay. I know it can be easier said than done because nobody is fond of rejection. But I wonder if I would have had enough strength to be myself and not care as much if I didn’t have other options.

So you can be honest about what you really want

Do we really want someone we can’t be ourselves around? No. While it may help me keep the guy temporarily, it’s not what I’m looking for long term. The problem with closing yourself off to others is you start settling on things that were important because you think it’s your only option.

“I’m just happy he is going to church with me, it’s okay he isn’t a spiritual leader.”

“She is always rude to people, but she treats me well most of the time.”

“He doesn’t like it if I go out with my friends, but that’s just because he wants to spend time with me.”

“She puts me down in front of others, but I know she doesn’t mean it.”

Do you see what ends up happening here? Of course there will be compromises in any relationship but you should never compromise on major, important things simply because you have no other option.

So you don’t end up with the wrong person

Some people don’t believe you can end up with the wrong person but I do. I’ve seen the impact family members, co-workers, friends make on another person’s life. How much more so a spouse? You have to remember that talking, dating, even engaged are all stages leading up to see if you are ready to make that commitment to one person. You are not married yet. It shouldn’t be scary to think about spending the rest of your life with someone; the thought of spending the rest of your life with them should make you the happiest you’ve ever been.

If you allow yourself to keep your options open, you are more apt to be yourself and keep your priorities straight. It will either allow you to see you’re with someone you shouldn’t be or solidify the relationship to a deeper level, allowing you to appreciate them even more. I firmly believe that we took this approach we’d see a lot less fake people settling only to end up in a divorce and more relationships ending in happily ever after.

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I was afraid to break up with you

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I have yet to meet someone who has enjoyed breaking up with someone. Sometimes someone may feel a sense of relief but the act itself is never fun. Someone always gets hurt. The only way to avoid this is to never date. But we all still date, risks known. Whether we choose to acknowledge or deny those risks is up to us.

I was afraid to break up with you for you. I didn’t know if you could handle it. You had been through a lot and I knew you had let your guard down with me. I didn’t want you to regret that. Our relationship was your life. What would you do if I left? I honestly didn’t know if you were stable enough without me. This is hard to write. I didn’t know it had gotten this far. The same thing that attracted me to you was the same thing that is pulling me away. I can’t mean that much to you. It’s too much pressure. Aside from wondering what will happen to you, I never wanted to hurt you. Ever. While I still think you’re a great guy, it’s possible to be a great guy and just not right for me, right?

I was afraid to break up with you for others. We say do what’s best for you but we all know others are always affected by our actions -by our decisions. It’s never just your life. Our families- so intertwined. So much pressure, so many expectations. What would they think if I broke it off? Could I still be friends with your family? They’ve treated me like I was their own. I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want them to think I was just using you. I don’t want them to think I don’t love you. Because I do love you. I’m just not in love with you.

I was afraid to break up with you for myself. You had become my life. I don’t know if I could do this on my own. I was so scared. What if I don’t find someone better? Who would I talk to if I needed to vent? Who would celebrate with me when I’d graduate? I was so afraid to be alone. Is it bad to say I was afraid you’d hurt me for hurting you? How did it get this far? I was afraid to be with you and afraid to be without you at the same time. This is all too much.

And then I learned the best thing for everyone- you, me, our friends, our families was to break it off. I’ve known all along. Because it’s not fair to you, not fair to me, not fair to our loved ones for me to continue to live a lie. As hard as it is now to be alone, it’s harder being with someone I know isn’t right for me. I’ll have to learn to live without you again. But I can. Sometimes we have to take one step back to take two steps forward.

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Tithing your time

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I love setting a lot of goals and therefore, new year resolutions stress. me. out. I started to think about the standard ones I typically set- read the entire Bible this year, only listen to Christian music, go to the gym more, eat healthier, write more, read more, and on and on the list goes. But this year I decided to try something a little different. What would happen if I consolidated everything? What if every area of my life could improve if I only changed one thing? I’ve read many scriptures in the Bible about tithing and giving God the first 10%. Scriptures on tithing your time.

I thought about how we are quick (or not) to throw 10% in the offering plate and be on our way. But what if you gave God 10% of your time? Could you do that? Would it be easier or harder than giving monetarily? Regardless, this is what I’ve decided to do. I do spend a lot of time with God but not 10% of 24 hours. If you are like any of my friends or family, you might be thinking that is A LOT of time. It is but not really.

What can you do for 2.4 hours a day?

Bible

Read the Bible. Listen to the Bible. Meditate on God’s Word. Journal about it. I like to sometimes just pick up the Bible and randomly a chapter. I also enjoy picking a book of the Bible and take my time, analyzing verse by verse. One method that has helped me to be more focused and intentional about my reading has been the SOAP method. Basically, you write down a scripture that stood out to you, your observation of the scripture, how it applies to you, and a prayer.

Devotionals

Devotionals can help add a different dynamic but remember they are still man’s words. I like to use them to stir new ideas and think about God’s Words in a different way. A few of my current favorite devotionals include She Reads Truth, Quite Women Co., Max Lucado (several different devotionals), Jesus Calling (by Sarah Young), and Oswald Chambers (My Utmost for His Highest).

Christian Books

Just like devotionals, books offer another perspective and have a way of grouping themes for better comprehension. You can also read about specific things you want to focus on. Worry, fear, relationships, giving, leadership, goals, you name it. I always like to use the fish method that one of my friends told me about. With fish, you eat the meat and throw out the bones. With books, you take the good and throw out the bad. A few of the books on my list include You and Me by Francis Chan (I love his books!), The Four Loves and Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, and Live Love Lead by Brian Houston.

Sermons

I love listening to podcasts on some of my favorite pastors and teachers. In addition to a couple ones locally, some of my favorites include Andy Stanley, Charles Stanley, Ben Stuart, Matt Chandler, Francis Chan, Joyce Meyer, and Joel Osteen. I am not saying each of these people are perfect but I enjoy the scriptures, teaching, and focus each one of them provides.

Music

Worship music is my favorite. And there are some really great Christian bands out there that help you focus more on God and less on worldly things. Some of my favorite bands include Hillsong, Swithfoot, Kutless, and Everyday Sunday.

Community

Lastly, there are things you can do that involve other people. Church will be one of them and probably the only thing I’ll do consistently. But other ideas include bible studies and small groups.

These are some things I’ll be doing this year. If you have any suggestions for books, music, devotionals, and/or sermons I’d love to hear them. My goal is to spend at least 2.4 hours a day focused intentionally on God. While at the gym. Early in the morning. Before I go to bed. On my lunch break. While driving. The point is- if I am intentional, I know I can do this. Whatever your goals are for 2016, I pray you find your purpose and the motivation to be all God created you to be!

Happy New Year!

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The unrealistic realism of Christmas movies

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I think there is a reason we are attracted to these sappy Christmas movies. They are full of goodness, happiness, and love. It wasn’t until I was talking with my friend who shares the same unhealthy movie obsession as I do that I realized how unrealistic they appear to be. I mean who meets, falls in love, and gets married all in the same month?! But you get caught up in it and don’t realize it’s crazy because so much of the story makes sense. So here’s six lessons I’ve learned from these time stealers.

1. Be with someone who brings out the best in you

Oftentimes in these movies, the girl or guy is already in a relationship. They are good relationships. Comfortable relationships. Good partnerships. Relationships that make sense on paper. But then they meet someone who makes them feel alive. Something more. Being around this new guy or girl has a way of bringing out the best in them. Loving life. Being a better person. Doing what they love. Wait for this.

2. Be with someone who falls in love with who you are, not what you are

I always love when you start to see the guy fall for the girl but then it is solidified when the girl shows up to some event dressed up. The guy is just in awe as she lights up the room. Nothing else matters. She’s stunning not necessarily because of her looks but because it finally hits him that all of these feelings he’s been having for her are something more than a friendship. It wasn’t the looks that attracted him to her, but her looks are now a bonus. Wait for this.

3. There has to be something more important than the relationship

What I love about these movies is that love has a way of finding them rather than the person out on the hunt looking for it. Or they are looking for it, but it ends up being someone completely different. The point being, they are able to be their true selves around this person because they aren’t all caught up with thinking this might be “the one.” They are focusing on making a difference, helping their family, or pursuing their dreams. They are willing to sacrifice their own happiness for something greater. God can only fill that hole and these people are already whole. The new relationship complements their life rather than completing it. Wait for this.

4. Notice the little things

Everything starts to remind him of this girl. The way she is making him feel alive again- bringing out the best in him. The guy could be in a bad mood and all upset but she always makes him feel better. She makes him laugh. He makes her feel like she can do anything. They remember little things about each other. They care. And it shows in their actions. Wait for this.

5. You might have to fight for love

 There always seems to be something (or someone) that almost ruins this new love. An old flame. Miscommunication. Jealousy. It’s so easy for us to just want to give up sometimes. To think it may have just been too good to be true. We tend to want easy. As if easy equates to perfect. But it doesn’t have to be easy for it to be right. Talk. Clarify. Engage. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve let my head wander because someone didn’t text back. Because someone was going away for the weekend. It’s almost like we are scared to send a double text. We are scared to be the one who cares more. But the right one is worth fighting for. Wait for this.

6. When you know, you’ll know

“How did you know Claire was the right one?” “I just knew. And you already know.” I remember this quote from one of the ones that had me crying the whole time. It was a young man torn between his childhood sweetheart who was the only girl he’d known and this new girl he met that made him feel alive. One was safe. The other was unknown. But she was worth the risk. He knew he loved her and loved who he was around her. He loved the type of person she was. Just like something in us already knows someone isn’t right for us but we try to make it work anyway, I think something in us will know when we’ve met the right one. Wait for this.

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Single but not alone

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I’ve been wanting to write this post for awhile now but life has a way of creeping in and stealing ALL my motivation. However, I think this weekend is the perfect time to get these feelings out. Around this same time last year, I wrote a post entitled “4 months, 4 holidays, 4 ever alone” It’s funny how things can change over the course of a year. I remember thinking last year how crappy it is to be alone during four of my favorite holidays, two of which are very romantic, in my opinion. I was also sick last year during Thanksgiving so it’s possible that contributed to my sulking, as well:p.

I feel like God has been ridding me of anyone and anything lately. I’m not the type of girl who always has to be in a relationship but I am the type who always has to have a potential. A prospect. Someone that could be “the one.” This year is different though. I wish I could put into words how I feel. For the first time, in a long time, there is no one. And it’s a strange feeling. I keep getting these reminders, these quotes, these scriptures. Reminders there is something bigger than my future husband. It seems so silly when you write it or say it out loud. But isn’t that how we live? Pinterest boards. “Dear future husband” letters. Going out. Staying in. Dating sites. If we were honest with ourselves, if we took a good long look at our lives, I think we’d be surprised how much of our time, how much of our lives are centered around a person we have yet to meet.

It’s funny how we hold onto to the hope of at least one. Because then our hope is justified. At least there is a possibility. I’ve lived a majority of my life like that. “Well, if it really comes down to it, I could always marry <insert name-of-guy-who-has-been-friend-zoned here>.” Why do we do that? Because the unknown is terrifying. We like to plan, we want to feel we are in control of our lives. So we make up stories in our heads to comfort ourselves. Sounds crazy when you write it down but it’s scary how true it is.

But this year, I have no one. No one as a back-up. No guy I could make it work with. No guy worth settling for. I’ve let go of them all. I don’t think my circumstances have changed too much. I think I’m just better at accepting reality. Actually not just accepting but embracing reality. Coming to terms with what I really want and desire most. I’ve seen a lot of relationships and marriages that have made me appreciate my singleness more. I think all too often we take our singleness for granted, as if its sole goal is to search for someone. But this time has allowed me to grow closer in my relationship with God. I’m reminded of when Paul is talking to the Corinthians about having an undivided heart. And I now understand. There is such a peace and freedom just in having Christ. I never feel “alone.” God’s love has filled me in ways I can’t begin to describe.

Sometimes I miss the good morning and good night texts. I miss knowing there is a guy thinking about me. I miss not having a date to certain functions. Instead I get awkward conversations. I’ve gotten everything from the “don’t worry, he’s out there” to “enjoy it” with the look of ‘I’m miserable in my marriage so please enjoy your singleness for the both of us.’ So many people say singleness is a gift but it doesn’t feel that way when you desire to be loved and have kids. I know it’s hard at times. And sometimes you start to lose faith, start to lose hope because you can’t see. You can’t see your future with anyone you know. So it freaks you out. You start to doubt and start to wonder if you’ll be forever alone. But do you know what hope and faith mean? They reach beyond what we can see and they trust. They trust God. And it is in those moments I’m reminded of the things I love. Things that make me not miss it all. Do I still hope to someday get married? Absolutely. But hope is not hope if you have a plan of how to make it happen. Hope is waiting for the unseen, the unknown, with excitement because you know that whatever God has planned for you is far greater than you could ever plan for yourself. Hope is letting go and trusting in something greater than you. There is no need to justify being single because while you may be single, you are certainly not alone.

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Sam’s (from Tinder) side of the story

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I did several posts on Sam (Sam & the Fam, Sam is back!, Sam & more fam) and I thought it would be interesting to hear his version of events. So I asked him to write his side of things back in March for our “anniversary.” He was late. As usual. So here it is:

Where to begin? Chatting on an app with someone can be freeing or terrifying depending on your personality. LUCKILY I can (and have) talked to a wall. Finding a nice young lady with morals was a surprise amidst the forward crowd of progressive youth. It didn’t take long for Sarah to click with my viewpoints and sense of humor. So we are chatting for what seems to be “a long time”, 2 days maybe. We talked about nothing, or everything, or really just nothing. Politics came up, religion and ideology, corny jokes, food, sports and while on these subjects to no surprise there were many arguments. Sarah likes arguments. Sarah likes to be difficult. End of story.

I may like to be childish with other like-minded people. What better way to do that than at DISNEY!!!! Ice cream, family, rides, children. Disney has what it takes for children of all ages to let loose. I know my family well enough that I would get more than half the afternoon and evening alone enjoying the parks as the rest of them tend to the young children or rest. I would like to say I am a good judge of character.   It could have been 1 hour and I still would have invited Sarah to come with us to the park. It was an easy decision. My family is very open and inviting to individuals who are respectful and modest. I might not have gone through with the idea if Sarah was not outgoing and spontaneous so she deserves as much credit for the friendship as I do. I don’t think it took 5 minutes for her to get crowded by all 4 of my nephews & nieces who were mobile at that point. My siblings were also brutally forward about “how did you meet” and those interesting questions that pop up with … prying family members. Did I mention I haven’t really dated since a certain bad relationship experience a little over a year prior to this event? So people were interested to say the least.

Sarah excelled in the important aspects of social awkwardness. She didn’t mind the harassment. She played along with the kids. She didn’t share ice cream. 2/3 is not bad. We had fun. That was the point. Evening rolls around and we have been in the park all day. The family inevitably goes back to the rooms for a good nights rest. We have at least 3 hours of after hours park time to roam free on the adult rides we want. I think we ended up on Space Mountain 4 times. Meeting people in line or anywhere and everywhere we go. I am still snapchat friends with one guy from Brazil we played games with in line*. Great evening. I found out Sarah is the best dancer EVER. Ask to see her skills or send me a message to get this WOBBLE video starring our special friend.

The trip with the first Columbia experience is not how she portrays it. She was a terrible brat. Again, she needs to learn to share. #sangria? But, when you have a full chocolate cake you should share. Sharing is caring. We played this awesome game for most of the evening where we don’t speak to each other. Not out of anger or anything, more of a competition. I’m not sure who was the winner ;D. So after she broke both mentally and physically, we went on to enjoy our evening. Did I mention she is both a competitive person and a cheater? She cheats at minigolf. So do I. I let her win although impressively I didn’t have to tank too hard. #sangria?

Night of lights. Thanks for the worst idea of food ever. Hot chocolate is great. I think it was very romantic and intimate. She was wanting me to kiss her somewhere in there.** I didn’t. You’re welcome. 10/10 I would do it again. Just with better food choices. Did I mention Sarah is headstrong? I mean really woman, do you need to argue all the time?

Sarah blew me off a few times for boys and “not boyfriends.” I wonder if she will ever listen to me. I can hear it in her voice when she knows the boys aren’t for her. I try not to rub it in.

STAN!!!! Birthday day. She is late. We ended up having a blast celebrating Mr. Stan and his life. This man is amazing. He is family to me. What a giving person with stories and experiences that will put you in AWE. Sarah liked the chocolate cake the most. So we went to the boardwalk. SHE IS DIFFICULT. I tried telling her to be cutthroat when parking here. I was pretty much done with it after 5 minutes and a few parking opportunities missed. Did we get towed? NO. Thanks. I am cheap when it comes to wasting my time in lines. I hate poor service and lines/crowds. I would rather get a 10$ beer at a sit down than a 5$ water in an unnecessary line. First place we went didn’t take AMEX. I don’t carry cash. The bar took my card though. Might have watched some football there as well. No ulterior motives, BACK OFF. The evening finally went the way I wanted it to when we enjoyed the beach sunset. Pictures were had. People were jealous of us. Nothing new. I should have been a little more decisive to protect her from herself. I am driving from now on.

Overall, we have had a great connection. It is very rare and I know that it was not just chance. I enjoy our friendship thoroughly. I love this girl. I know she will do great things. I hope I can give her sound advice and support for as long as I can.

Dictated not read.

SAM THE MAN

*Me toooo! This dude’s snaps are the best!

**Not true at alllll

Actions may speak louder than words, but it doesn’t matter because we don’t listen

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“Actions speak louder than words” is a common quote many know. It sounds good but the problem with this statement is that we hear it but we don’t listen to it. We see the actions. We know there is something wrong but we dismiss it and we make excuses for it. We are pros at this and some of our reasons for justifying the behavior is almost comical. On top of our own excuses we make because we just want to be happy and hope for the best, we start to believe or try to believe what our significant other says, even when their actions show otherwise. Call me naive, call me gullible, or simply call me dumb but I’ve probably been guilty of falling for this more than anyone. Way too trusting and just tired of ruined relationships before they start- over and over and over again. So I take getting treated like no one should ever be treated.

They say, “I like you- isn’t that enough?” Well actually no, it’s not enough. What does “I like you” even mean? Doesn’t that mean you care about me more than yourself, you ask questions about me, want to talk to me and get to know me? What about the effort- am I worth the investment? If not, the reality is, you don’t like me. Nobody wants to hear those empty words that mean nothing. I’ve excused it too many times. You want me to like you. That’s all. And I knew it from the beginning. But I excused it as young, immature, bad communication skills, you name it. But it gets old. I lose faith, I lose hope. I wasted time but at least I tried and gave you the benefit of the doubt. I don’t want to lose that part of me; I know the right guy will appreciate that.

But boy do I know how to pick them. One of my favorites was the guy I continued to talk to even after I found out he was still in a relationship. Wow. But I believed you when you said you’d been trying to break up with her for 5 months, that she was crazy, but you broke it off now, blocked her, didn’t care about her, and had no feelings for her. I could go on. It scares me sometimes how good people can be at lying. But once again, I gave you the benefit of the doubt. But you gave in when she became persistent and allowed for conversation. You spent more time letting her explain herself than you did getting to know me. But yet “she is never on my mind” and “I have no feelings for her,” were your excuses. I knew better but I hoped. I believed not in us but in the decency of humanity. I mean is it really that hard to tell and show someone you care? Actually just show. No, it’s not. The problem is so many people really just don’t care. I mean they care, just more about themselves. It’s not that complicated. Ignore the words. Watch the behavior. You’d be surprised how enlightening it is. Because when a person really cares you won’t have to talk yourself into believing that they do. You’ll know.

-the virgin heartbreaker

So here we go…

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Well this is exciting! I’m sitting in Atlanta right now attending a conference for school. I presented yesterday morning so my stress level has subsided, for now at least;-) I’m attending a blog conference tomorrow and it’s like get writing or… well, don’t. The pressure is on! Since I’m such a perfectionist, this post will be my hardest. What are you supposed to even write about for your first post?! I’ve been working on the back end of my blog for probably a year now; my ideas, however, for at least ten years. I have such a passion for people and relationships. I love to write. I love to counsel. And I love to give my two cents for what it’s worth. I’m always giving my opinion to anyone who will listen anyway, so why not expand my audience, right?!

My plans for the blog are rather simple- I’m blogging about my crazy, exciting, and unique life. My goal? To inspire others to live and push the boundaries of the social norms. We live in a society where it seems as though having high morals, values, and standards are almost frowned upon. Not really, I mean no one will say it to your face but you can tell. You’re different. You are not doing things like everyone else.

My blog name is simple. You can be a virgin and still have relationships. Shocking, right? I don’t buy into the whole “try it before you buy it” mentality and as you get to know me, hopefully you’ll see why. Choosing to remain a virgin when I was in my early teens was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Making tough choices, though hard, will bring some of the most rewarding experiences to your life.

This is a work in progress so hang on as we make this exciting journey together. So here we go!

-the virgin heartbreaker