Please date other people

Posted on December 28, 2014 by thevirginheartbreaker

These are some of the toughest words I’ve ever said but also the most needed. We all want to feel like we are the only one, that we are special, we are worth it. It makes us feel loved, valued, and appreciated. I love feeling this way. But there is something I need more. I need you to date other people.

I need to not feel pressured while I’m getting to know you. I don’t want to know that you are putting all your eggs in one basket with me and that if I decide we aren’t meant to be, your life won’t be destroyed. I don’t want to cause another heartbreak. I don’t want to be the cause of pain. But it’s that or stay with someone I don’t’ really love. Both options aren’t right. There should be more options. That’s what’s kept me away from dating for so long. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I have many guy friends who have been hurt by that one woman. I don’t want to be that woman. Ever.

I need to know you aren’t wasting your time with me.
I need to know you can be patient with me.
If I’m the only one, please don’t make me feel guilty; I tend to shut you out and run.

I need you to date other people for you too. It’s so easy to like someone when they are the only one you have. You make it work. You even change yourself if it’s not working. But I want to see the real you. And you deserve to see the real me too. When you date multiple people, you can compare and learn more about what you like and don’t like. I’ve heard people say you shouldn’t compare but I’m not sure why. You deserve the best. And I believe the best is worth waiting for. We could all settle today if we really wanted to. Lower our standards enough and there’s somebody there waiting. But that’s not what we want and we know that. Don’t settle for Mr. or Ms. Right Now.

Do you know how much more valuable I’ll feel knowing you have dated other girls and still chose me?! I really can’t commend you if I was your only option. Take your time. Get to know me- before being sold on my great looks and dashing personality:p Okay, I’m halfway kidding but this does happen to me a lot more than I care to admit. And I don’t like it. It feels good for my ego but deep down I don’t like it. My heart, the most important and valuable thing about me, is minimized.

Why is it that the best relationships started as friendships and some of the worse ones involved people who jumped the gun? Think about it. I’m looking for something that’ll last; not just feel good right now. And for me, dating multiple people allows me to be myself more and truly get a feel for what I’m looking for. So many people stay stuck in bad relationships because they don’t believe there is anything better. Oh, but there is. You just have to be willing to wait for it. As one of the best quotes I’ve ever heard states- “You’ll never leave where you are until you decide where you’d rather be.”

I’m not acting like this phrase is easy to say or hear. It requires you to be vulnerable and take risks. Sometimes people use this phrase because they really don’t like you and feel guilty about it. But it requires a lot of strength to say. You risk losing a person you might truly love in hopes of obtaining someone that truly loves you. When you hear it, you don’t know how to take it. Are they caring about you or do they really not care about you? I hate it. God tells us to guard our hearts. So be yourself. Love. But take your time. Trust that God will show you the right one when the time is right. You both will know. After all, you’re only looking for one ‘right one’ anyway;)

*date as in having many friendships with guys/girls that you may be interested in. I DO NOT mean being physically involved with those people. That’s another sure-fire way to distract you from reality.

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Rebounding is not always such a bad idea

Posted on December 23, 2014 by thevirginheartbreaker

I’d like to preface this with what I would hope to be common knowledge given the title of my blog but just in case- I do not mean rebounding in any physical manner. However, I do believe rebounding in other ways may prove to be very beneficial and healthy.

Going through break-ups are rough. Unless you decide to not have a heart and cut off all emotions (which I have seen before) you will experience pain and heartbreak when you go through a break-up. While I have not done any studies on it, I do think that you experience more pain with the ones you cared about the most, the ones you allowed inside your heart. It’s so crappy when it happens because part of you never wants to experience that hurt again but at the same time it’s rewarding because even after all the pain, at least you can feel and have the capacity to love. To me that’s everything.

Nothing is a substitute for time after a break-up. However, it is what you do during the time after a break-up that affects your healing process most. I think we all deal with it in unique and different ways. I’m a huge fan of closure and for me, I sometimes put myself through more pain because it helps me to truly get over someone and have no regrets. While my healing process may be different than yours, I don’t think it’s really all that unique. I question the relationship- if I could have or should have done anything different. Was it my fault things ended- were my expectations too high? I remember the good times. I stalk social media pages and wonder if they are missing what we had. Because truthfully, while we may miss each other I think what we miss the most is feeling loved. I tend to close myself off to anyone else because I know I am vulnerable and just want to feel loved again. So I don’t look for anyone else for awhile, I won’t open myself up until I feel completely healed.

It sounds good in theory but what happens during that time of healing? We don’t go out and we don’t allow anyone in. That forces us to only think about that one person we had. So in hopes of feeling loved, we try to convince ourselves our ex wasn’t that bad because we don’t want to be alone. This is why you see so many people go back to their exes, back into bad relationships. This is why people settle. And it’s so scary because I’ve been there so many times.

I went through a break up not too long ago and I am now currently talking to a guy that recently got out of a relationship, as well. My old self would have said this is a recipe for disaster. “Don’t talk to me, I need to be alone for a long time” would be my response. But this guy is fun and honest and real. We are able to talk and communicate about what is going on inside of us. I have a feeling we will always be friends no matter where our paths may take us. We think a lot alike and have very similar interests. It’s a different feeling than I am used to and I like it. I am so glad I met him and that we came into each other’s lives. I’ve already learned so much more about myself because of him. When you don’t see anyone else, you naturally think it won’t get any better than what you had. He reminds me what it is I really want when I had forgotten in my previous relationships. He gives me hope. Likewise, he was hanging onto the thought of hopefully getting back with his ex because that’s all he knew, all he saw. Meeting me has reminded him of what he is really looking for, things he didn’t think were out there. It’s crazy how in some ways we came into each other’s lives to renew our hope. Some may call it rebounding and that’s okay with me. But this kind of rebounding shouldn’t have a negative connotation. We aren’t using each other. We’ve set boundaries. We like each other and we appreciate each other. It gave us fresh eyes to move forward and to move on.

I sometimes wonder if we hadn’t come into each other’s lives if we would still be hurting or wishing for something in the past because we saw no future. Society tells us it’s wrong to rebound and not fair to the other person. And I would agree, especially if you are using someone just to feel better about yourself. But I don’t think there is anything wrong with putting yourself out there in order to heal and do what you need to do. I still am a firm believer in self-reflection and alone time. Don’t rush into something just because you are lonely, but don’t close yourself off just because you’re scared. There is so much hope out there, so much love. Give yourself another chance. You left that person for a reason and God has that perfect one for you out there. Go explore and never settle.

photo credit: Keoni Cabral via photopin cc

There is no such thing as right person, wrong time

Posted on December 19, 2014 by thevirginheartbreaker

Seriously. I’ve heard this numerous times and I just read an article entitled something along the lines of “The joys and pains of meeting the right person at the wrong time.” Umm what?! I’m sorry, but do you realize how rare it is to find the/a right person? And let’s be honest for a second, maybe it’s just me, but if I found what I thought was the right person, I don’t see how or why the “wrong time” would have to stop us from being together. So what do these “wrong times” really mean?

The “I just got out of a relationship and need to be single for awhile” excuse. I’ll let you in on a little secret- 99% of the time this line is used as a nice way to reject someone. The other 1% actually recognizes what is going on inside them and hopefully expresses it well enough to let the other person know they can still enjoy a friendship with one another. Besides, starting out as friends is always a plus. The right one will be patient. So tell me how this was really the right person at the wrong time again?
The “I just think we are headed in different directions” excuse. Basically, something else is more important to me right now and this relationship is not worth it. You are a great person but more than likely not the one I’m supposed to be with so I’m okay with letting you go. Love always finds a way and if I really thought you were the right person, I’d find a way to be together, while still pursuing my dreams. It’s not rocket science, but it does require two people who both feel the other is the right person for them.
The “I’m just too young and don’t know who I am yet” excuse. Legit excuse. However, who says you can’t figure out life with the right person? If anything, I think the right person would be a complement to you and would only help to strengthen and encourage you. But then again, we often get this confused with the wrong person who we like but something deep down in our gut tells us something is wrong. Therefore, this wonderful excuse was born.
The “We live in two different places” excuse. While I understand this is a hard one, I firmly believe it’s doable. After realizing how rare it is to find someone you actually like and could see yourself being with for the rest of your life, I honestly believe that with the right person, you can make anything work. This might include giving up on something that is not that important to, compromising, or managing a long distance relationship for a certain period of time. I think we forget that one of the greatest things about being in a healthy relationship is having someone that loves you no matter what and encourages you to achieve all the dreams God placed in your heart. The wrong one will not understand this and have a cookie-cutter life planned out and run the minute things don’t go according to plan.
The “This could never work long term” excuse. This one is open-ended. Our families don’t get along. We have different beliefs. You annoy me. Really, this could be anything. We like the person for whatever reason but we don’t want to be with them for the rest of our lives and that’s okay. There will be many people we like for different reasons but that does not mean they are the right person for us. It’ll work with the right person no matter what obstacles may come your way.

What all of these have in common is the fact that they weren’t the wrong time; they were the wrong person for you if you were willing to let them go. Let’s call it what it is. Besides, would the right person really leave you? That doesn’t sound like the kind of right person I would want to be with anyway. And if I’m not willing to work through it or make it work, I deep down don’t think they are the right person either.

Maybe we just need to redefine the term “right person.” Sometimes a right person will come into our life only for a season. We grow, we learn but it doesn’t necessarily mean we are to spend the rest of our lives with this person. This term “wrong time” has such a negative connotation. Embrace the time you have with those at given times in your life. Some come for a lifetime, others for a season and that’s okay. These people can be the right person at the right time. They are a great person, cool person but not the right person (marriage), for us at least. So can we please stop lying to ourselves? Can we please stop using this as a cop out to avoid rejection or rejecting someone else. It’s not the wrong time- it’s just that we are don’t see this going anywhere further and that is nothing to feel bad about.

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To the girl who regrets waiting until marriage for sex

Posted on December 3, 2014 by thevirginheartbreaker

There is an article going around about a woman who waited until her wedding night to lose her virginity and how she wished didn’t. If you are interested in reading it, it can be found here. One of my friends sent it to me and as I was thinking about my thoughts regarding it, I decided to make them into a blog post as a means to hopefully clarify what I believe went wrong.

I first want to start off by saying her sex life sounded awful. It breaks my heart and is certainly not how God intended it. Sex is a great thing. God created it and it is talked about and encouraged in the Bible several times. To me, it represents a whole new level of intimacy that I hope to share with the man I love as I get to be vulnerable and allow him to love me on a deeper level as well. I look forward to this day. It is beautiful and wonderful… IF you have a proper understanding of why God designed sex and if shared with the right person. And therein lies the problem. Her problems started before her wedding. Her problems began before she even met her husband. They started when she was a kid.

Samantha stated that she decided to save herself for marriage because she believed that true love waits. Why? What does that even mean? How is it true love if you wait and not if you don’t? My feeling is that she didn’t know the answers to these questions. There are so many benefits to waiting until marriage to have sex and there are no cons if you truly marry the one God has for you. It is so easy to bring additional problems into the marriage and then blame God’s rules for them. One of my favorite pastors, Andy Stanley, once said there are no such things as marriage problems, just single people problems that get brought into the marriage and I couldn’t agree more. If there is one thing I have learned, it’s that God wants what is best for us more than anyone in this world could ever want. He would not withhold anything good from us. And just because we may not understand exactly why at the time, if we have a true relationship with Jesus, He will show us why. Sometimes I’m okay with just trusting God because I know He loves me, other times I ask Him to show me things and I actually put some effort into finding the answers and He does show me.
10 years old. She made a big deal about how she was too young to make the pledge at that age. I don’t think this is too young given our culture today. Maybe it was too young for her though and the proper age may be different given your specific environment. I doubt this had much effect, however.
What her church taught was a lie. What scriptures did they use? Sex is for married people and it is sinful and dirty outside of marriage. You should want to remain pure for your husband, but because you love him not just because you don’t want to go to hell. I’m sorry but if you do or don’t do anything because you don’t want to go to hell, that is really selfish and not about love at all. And God’s number one commandment is love. There was no love in her church or interpretation of it. And just to be clear, the responsibility to remain pure is the same for both women and men. I have nooo idea where her church got the idea that men weren’t held to the same standard. This sounds more like a legalistic cult rather than a loving church.
Your virginity should never be your identity but an action that follows as a result of who you are and what your identity really is in Christ. Samantha noted that it did become her identity and that was another problem. No wonder she couldn’t enjoy sex. If you lose what you are dependent on for your identity of course nothing good is going to come as a result. My life would be over if I lost Christ. He defines me. I would be lost without Him. But it’s Him that defines me, never my virginity.
Why the heck would she feel dirty, wrong, or sinful having sex with her husband?! It sounds like she was taught that sex in general was bad and it’s not. It’s great. And it’s best when shared with the person you decided to spend the rest of your life with and make that commitment. You should only ever feel that way if you give away part of yourself to the wrong person. I can’t wait to have sex and it will be enjoyable (after the initial pain;) with the right person- awful with the wrong one because you do give away a part of yourself and it’s extremely scary if it’s not the right person. It also sounds like she didn’t trust her husband enough to be open with him during this. I would never marry someone I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to about these things. There were definitely some communication issues. This would not have been solved by having sex a bunch prior to marriage. I will say sometimes people rush marriage because they are waiting until marriage for sex, as well. This is never good either. I don’t know what their motive for getting married was, but sometimes lust is the main reason. That will never end well if that’s the case.
She had religion but not a relationship. Her view of God was so incredibly wrong. I cannot stress this enough- you do not remain pure because you don’t want to go to hell or want God to bless your marriage! These were her reasons mentioned. You do it because you love God and you love your future spouse. Am I the only one that sees this? I don’t do nice things because I don’t want to be treated badly by people; I do them because I love and care about people. When you truly move from following a set of rules and guidelines and start developing a loving relationship with Christ, your whole life changes and that’s why they call it being born again.

This article truly broke my heart because she was not able to fully enjoy sex, or make love as I prefer to call it, because she was never really shown what Christ’s love was all about. Please don’t forget that just because someone goes to church or says they are a Christian doesn’t mean they really are. It goes much deeper than that. I truly hope she realizes one day that her problem wasn’t the fact that she didn’t sleep around before marriage, but that she never had a proper relationship with Christ of knowing how much He truly loves her.

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4 months, 4 holidays, 4 ever alone

Posted on November 27, 2014 by thevirginheartbreaker

Every year I manage to be sick for Thanksgiving- great tradition right?! Anyway, that’s not going to keep me from being thankful for all that I have been blessed with. And it won’t keep me from writing this Nyquil induced post either so let’s gooooo.

This is the worst time of the year if you are single. Seriously. You have 4 months of 4 great holidays and no one to share them with. I think it can be easy to forget that you’re single the other months, especially living in Florida. Come on- you can just go to the beach everyday and still feel perfectly content- am I right?! But these four months can be pretty brutal. I don’t know about you, but I absolutely LOVE holidays, so for me, they can be especially hard when you are single. November, December, January, February- the no-dating time for guys and the prime dating time for girls. Each month holds a significant holiday that is more meaningful when shared with someone you love. With today being Thanksgiving and while some of you may be feeling alone, I thought I would send out a little encouragement to help you get through the holidays.

November- Thanksgiving. This can be tough, especially if you have a bunch of family asking about when you will settle down. But the cool thing about Thanksgiving is that it allows you the time to reflect on what you do have and forget about what you don’t. For this one day, I cannot stress the importance enough to focus on what you are thankful for. We all have our different challenges and battles to fight and it can be easy to feel bad about what’s lacking in your life. I find myself getting made at myself if I start to get whiny. If you ate today and are able to read this, you are doing better than most of the world. Just think about that. Our society is so good at getting us to compare our lives with those who *appear* to have no problems. We see the happy family picture on facebook, but don’t see the fights behind the scenes. The couple on the brink of divorce, the family who just lost their child, the father who just lost his job. If you do one thing today, make a list of everything you are thankful for and keep it as a reminder when you are tempted to feel bad. Some of the things on my list include a loving family who mean the world to me, past relationships that taught me more about myself, my freedom to worship God and say how I feel, God’s faithfulness when I let Him down, and the ability to love more even when it hurts.
December- Christmas. Christmas is tough for me because I love giving gifts, watching Christmas movies by the fire, and going to see all the Christmas lights. But the truth is, you can still do all of these things for the people in your life even if you don’t have a significant other. What’s so wonderful about this holiday-it’s my favorite one too- is the fact that we get to celebrate the birth of Jesus. And honestly, if your think about Jesus, His story, and how much He loves you it is extremely difficult to be sad. It’s only when we take the focus off of others and put it on ourselves that we start to get depressed. So for Christmas this year, why don’t we focus on different unique ways that we may be able to bless others, while asking God to change our hearts to see things the way He does.
January- New Years. Okay, now we are getting to the more romantic holidays and there is just something great about ringing in the new year with someone special. However, this is a prime time to do some personal reflection. I always enjoy spending this time looking back at the previous year and thinking about everything that happened. If you couldn’t tell, I’m a journaler (apparently that is not a real word, oh well). I love to write and look back and see how much I have grown through the years. I often get so busy with life that I fail to see all I have accomplished, as well. During this time, I think about the year ahead, I think about regrets and things I’d like to change. I think New Year resolutions get a bad rap. While I think we should always be growing and reflecting, this an excellent time to break bad habits or start something beneficial. Once again, it’s hard to think about the new year’s kiss you are missing if you are thinking about the impact you will make in the upcoming year and thanking God for another year He has blessed you with. I can’t wait to see what some of my goals and resolutions will be for 2015! Don’t worry, I shall shareJ
February- Valentines. Blah. I love this holiday and I generally always spend it single. I simply cannot wait to spend this day with someone who loves me and someone I love. But until then, I will still love this sappy holiday and be grateful for all the couples that can enjoy this over commercialized day. People say you should show your love everyday and while I agree, I will take any opportunity I can to show my love for someone special. You can go ahead and call me a hopeless romantic. But let’s not forget that this holiday is about love and just because we don’t have a significant other doesn’t mean we can’t show love to others. This is a great day to express your love to those that may need it most through random acts of kindness. Ask God to show you who one person who needs His love this Valentine’s Day and seek to be blessing to them. Our lives our short- don’t get so caught up in the future and how you feel things should be that you miss out on the wonderful opportunities today.

I don’t want to diminish the fact that it can be difficult to navigate the holidays being single. The truth of the matter is we can all be in a relationship if we wanted. But we have standards. And we aren’t willing to settle. I know these times can have their difficult moments but we can make them better if we choose to focus on the positive rather than the negative. I am so thankful for the opportunity to share my thoughts and feelings with you all.:)

With sniffles and sneezes,

Happy Thanksgiving!

Tinder Update: Sam is back!

Posted on November 23, 2014 by thevirginheartbreaker

For those of you that have been keeping up with my blog, you probably remember the three part series I did on my Tinder experiences last month. One of those was the Tender Tinder Pt 2: Sam and the Fam! where I met one of my now good friends. As you could tell from the previous post, Sam is a great guy. Anyway, he was back in town with his granny (that’s what everyone calls her so I do too since I’m pretty much family now;) doing some work for the family business. So I went up yesterday to spend the day with him in St. Augustine. Even though I told him to do all of his work the prior days, he still had a good amount of projects left when I got there. This was not surprising and he wasn’t his best either since he had a broken rib from playing ice hockey last week. He likes to think he is hardcore. I won’t tell him otherwise.

When I got there around noon, no one was home. Perfect. I get no reception at their condo complex but luckily the wifi password had been saved so I was able to use it while I waited. The first thing granny asked when they got back was if I wanted something to eat. They know me so well. After eating, we went to Walmart. Worst place ever. Sam is also childish out in public. Not only did he spray me with some cheap perfume, he watched as I searched for an item when he already knew they didn’t have it. Not funny. He also got mad at me because I didn’t look nice. I told him I missed that memo. I didn’t apologize for my looks.

One of the projects I helped Sam with was transferring files from computers. Sometimes there are some miscommunication problems with Sam and granny. It’s a little awkward because I’m unsure what to do when this happens. I want Sam to know that I support him but I also don’t want granny to feel bad. Sam ended up saying that he needed to walk away for a minute and got up and left. Then granny started talking to me. Sam came back within a few minutes and explained what he was trying to relay calmly and they were able to work through it. What’s funny is I would have normally assumed that Sam had anger issues for the way he acted. But after dating some guys that don’t express any emotions, I actually kind of appreciated the way he handled the situation. He knew he was getting upset and to avoid saying something hurtful out of anger, he gathered himself for a moment and came back. I really admired the way he handled the situation. I think oftentimes we like to pretend we don’t have any problems so we suppress our feelings rather than dealing with them maturely.

The computer issues sent Sam and I to Staples to pick up an external hard drive. As we were leaving the complex it started to rain which made me yell at Sam to hurry up and unlock the doors as I was getting wet. He remained calm and would not unlock the doors until he was on my side to open the door for me. He is a real gentleman even when I’m a brat. Staples was fun and I left a ‘call me’ note at the cash register with Sam’s number. Hopefully the cashier dude will call him. Sam brings out my mature side.

Sam and I left around 5 to go downtown and we had a blast. It was the first night of their Night of Lights and it was gorgeous. Sam avoided going downtown earlier in the week just so we could see it together- awww. Traffic was crazy but we had fun because he had heated seats and we jammed out to Taylor Swift. My favorite was when he put on Ellie Goulding’s song, Lights haha. Our road rage tactics are pretty similar- not sure if that’s a good or bad thing lol. Here are some pictures of the lights:

So we had a list of things to check out that my friend’s told me about but as fate would have it, we defaulted to the restaurant we always go to- The Columbia. There were soooo many people downtown so we put our name on the list and since the wait was an hour- we walked around. One of the places on the list was French Fry Heaven and since I had gone to the fair the day before, I wanted to try the Festival fries- they were supposed to taste like funnel cake but yuck.- they were gross. Probably because they were made with sweet potato fries. Sam didn’t want anything from there, probably because of what the place looked like.

While the fries weren’t that good, we did have some good conversation at the place. A guy asked to share our table so we started talking with him. He was pretty cool and was from Jacksonville. He said he had walked on the UCF football team back in 1999. He asked questions about Sam and I too. After telling him about how I lived in Florida and Sam lived in Tennessee he kind of looked at us a little puzzled and started with, “Sooo, how do you guys-“ that’s when I cut him off and told him that Sam and I were just friends. Then he was like “Ohhh, so like friends with benefits?” and then Sam and I told him that there were no benefits- nope, no benefits- mostly cons. Sam said I should have told him that hanging out with me is the benefit. I agree. I really enjoy these awkward situations for some reason.

We walked around for a little bit after that. We saw some of the places my friends told me about- the Taco Shack, Hyppo Café, Waffle & Milkshake Bar, Kilwins. My eyes were definitely bigger than my stomach. Some of those places are on the list for next time. Some place on the street was selling apple cider and Sam wanted some but didn’t have any cash. I told him I’d get it. A nice older man was selling it and Sam said he wanted one and then I started reaching for my money- the guy asked Sam if it was for me. I told him that it wasn’t. That’s when the guy commented on the fact that I was paying. I could tell that Sam was embarrassed and I loved every minute of it. The guy told him what a great woman I was for taking such good care of him. Sam told him that I did take good care of him haha. Sam ended up paying for my dinner so I’d say that was an even trade, right? Our non-relationship makes me laugh at times.

Dinner was delicious. We got our usual pitcher of Sangria and chocolate cake. I sometimes need alcohol to deal with Sam and I think he needs it to deal with me. Our conversations are never normal. We talked so much about life, relationships, friends, and family. I like how we seem to balance serious talks with playfulness. He started with flinging the sugar packets at me and ended with him putting cake frosting on my wine glass. I’d like to say I was better but I wasn’t. Here are some pictures.

He said if I got cold I could borrow his sweater. Do you like how we are protecting his identity with the Sam label? That was his idea. Sam said I looked homely. After 12 hours I suppose I did, but I did look good earlier:

We talked. We walked around some more. Saw the Castillo De San Marcos & Old School House again. Went to see Meehan’s but I was driving back that night so I didn’t want to drink anymore. We watched Legally Blonde back at the condo. I ended up falling asleep as usual. Sam had covered me up and let me sleep while he did more work. I woke up about an hour later before driving home. He said I could stay but I didn’t think it would be appropriate even though we both knew nothing would happen. If I didn’t take that short nap I might have because I was super tired.

I really do like Sam. We talked about how weird it would be if we actually did date. We both agreed we couldn’t though. While we have a lot of fun together, we have different morals and values. In the long run, I think we’d get frustrated with each other and it would end badly. So for now, I don’t want to lose our friendship. I think sometimes we forget that people do enter our lives for different reasons. And it’s okay to like someone and not date them. One of the things I like most about Sam is how open and honest we are with each other. I’m free to be myself and not feel judged. I can be silly and it won’t matter. I don’t think either of us thought we’d meet someone decent on Tinder. He remained my friend even when I was dating someone else and that meant a lot to me. I didn’t know it until yesterday but the last time he was down, he had already budgeted out a ticket for me to go to Disney with him and his family again. I didn’t end up going to see him because I had a feeling he would pay for me and I didn’t feel right about it because I was seeing someone else. He is just really thoughtful and sweet. I’m excited to see what the future brings for both of our lives. 🙂

Why the virgin heartbreaker?

Posted on November 21, 2014 by thevirginheartbreaker

I honestly didn’t think it would be as tough as it is. When I first thought of the name the virgin heartbreaker several years ago, I thought it was the best idea ever. I thought it was catchy, I thought it would get people to think about what it meant- I thought it would stand out. And stand out is what I want to do. I’m not going to lie, it is a bit awkward to say sometimes especially to people who know me but not that well. Surprise, they are going to know a lot more about me than maybe they wanted to now. I don’t think some people know how to respond when I tell them; mainly because it’s somewhat taboo to talk about sex in certain settings. Other settings love to talk about it, but not in an abstinence way at all. I can’t tell you how many times I have been somewhere where sex has been talked about so openly, vulgarly, and casually. I look for opportunities to share why I have chosen to wait until marriage to have sex but sometimes I refrain if the setting isn’t as appropriate. But then someone asks or makes a comment, completely oblivious, and I have to tell them and then the whole group gets quiet. Why does no one know what to say? Is it something that is so rare in our generation, for someone my age? I get the standard response “oh wow, that’s awesome that you are doing that,” but it doesn’t seem sincere, from most at least. No one wants to talk about it.

For a majority of the people, they don’t get it nor want to get it. If they stop and think about it, they might feel convicted or guilty- maybe they’ll realize they should stop having sex so casually. Did God have something better in mind when he created sex? There’s always at least one in a setting I am in that thinks about it- that didn’t realize people still lived like that. And those are the moments I love. Our culture has done its best to desensitize us to thinking that one of the most sacred and highest forms of love can be dwindled down into a one-night stand. Not only that but lead you to believe there is nothing wrong with it and that it doesn’t come with any consequences. It truly breaks my heart because once you give your virginity away to someone, you never get it back. And for me, I hope to one day give that sacred gift away to my husband.

I didn’t have sex when I was younger because my mom told me not to. She told me that God wanted me to save that for marriage and that it’s supposed to be only something shared between a husband and wife. I trusted my mom so much that that was enough for me at that age. I knew she loved me and wanted what was best for me- so if I was really missing out on something great she wouldn’t keep that from me. That was enough for me at that time. Trust and innocence is such a beautiful thing. How great is it to feel so loved that you don’t even have to question something. To know that just because you don’t understand something at the time doesn’t mean you have to fight it. Oh how I wish people would trust God that same way sometimes. We always need to have a reason why for everything we are told today. There is no trust. There is no faith. There is no hope. I am thankful that my heart for God is ahead of my brain. God’s love for me is so unfailing that I oftentimes find myself solely relying on Him and trusting Him. And while in my teen years, I didn’t have sex just because He told me not to, I have learned the why. My dad got me this Christian fish ring for my 17^th birthday and it has been my purity ring ever since.

For me, this serves as a constant reminder that Jesus is my first love and that I will fight for my purity so I can one day give that to my husband. It is so easy to try and justify having sex in today’s society and while it may be great for the moment (our instant gratification society), God has something so much better in mind for us all. There were so many times where I have been tempted to go too far with a guy just because of my emotions and feelings in the moment but it’s always later that I look back and am so grateful that I never did because honestly they never deserved that part of me. That part is for my husband and he is worth the wait. What a wonderful gift I hope to give him someday.

But back to the actual name. The name the virgin heartbreaker randomly hit me many years ago when thinking about my many failed attempts toward finding true love. Who would have thought that someone who didn’t have sex could break so many hearts? Breaking hearts is not something I am proud of but it happens when you have two people that care about each other. The virgin in the name is there to make a point. I am a virgin and while that seems to have more negative than positive connotations in today’s society for a girl my age, I will continue to make a stand and encourage others to do the same. I chose to use the word heartbreaker because unfortunately the term virgin is often coupled with someone who nobody wants to have sex with, not that they purposely chose to remain abstinent. I don’t say this arrogantly at all, but I have had to say no to many guys and “break their hearts” when society would have you to believe that no one would like/love you if you don’t have sex with them. This is simply not true. The only people you miss out on are the ones looking for hook-ups rather than commitment and I don’t think anyone truly wants that anyway. So the name is simply what it is in hopes to start discussion and encourage others to know that you don’t have to engage in sex in order to get a guy. In fact, I challenge you not to and to remember that at any time you can give your virginity away, but never again can you get it back. Fight for your purity. It is so worth the wait.

The time I dated someone else’s spouse

Posted on November 14, 2014 by thevirginheartbreaker

photo credit: Matt Erasmus via photopin cc

Honestly, I don’t even know if you would call it dating. I would but, in today’s culture, people don’t seem to take that as seriously as I do. I met Mark through some mutual friends. He was a few years older, mature, smart, funny, and good looking. He worked in the medical field and because of our lines of work, our paths ended up crossing over the course of about a year. While working on various projects, it was always me, Mark and two other guys. One of the other guys was around our age and engaged with 4 kids. The other guy was much older in a happy marriage. It was always us four going out and doing things- mostly work related or grabbing food. I absolutely loved our times together. They were always so fun and light-hearted. The most tedious tasks we had to do were always more exciting with them. While Mark and I did do things one on one sometimes, it wasn’t that often. So maybe, in his defense, this justified are non-relationship, relationship for him.

He’d always pay for my food when we’d go out, either one-on-one or while we were in our wolf pack. Can I be a part of a wolf pack? I don’t know but I need a nickname for the four of us so it’ll work. We’d flirt, bicker, laugh, and talk about our goals and dreams. We both had extremely busy schedules so I never really questioned the fact that we didn’t go out more than we already did. Well that and part of me didn’t want to. Honestly, while I was attracted to him and I felt like I was dating him in so many ways, I never pushed our “relationship” because I didn’t want it to go there. Why? Because I knew it wouldn’t work long term. Part of our talks were about God and he didn’t believe in God really. I think he just wasn’t sure or hadn’t really thought about it before. In some ways that did attract me to him; it wasn’t that he was against it so much as he never really knew someone that believed and loved God like I did. You know how people always say that girls never go after the good guys? Well, I think because I grew up around a lot of “church guys” and know that many of them don’t really love God as they profess, I’ve felt in the past that I’d have better luck with people that were more open to learning about Christianity and it being real for them. To me, that was more appealing than a fake Christian. I think in some ways it gives me hope. But deep down, I think part of me knew something wasn’t right. Anyone can have fun with anybody depending on what you are doing; but real love is when you can strip away all the fluff and at the core of your being can share the most important thing to you. For me, that is my relationship with God. And since God is love, He enables me to love deeper. So no matter how much fun I had with Mark, something was still missing. And I knew it. This is one of the best things I love about God. Sometimes we might not understand why God has certain rules- don’t be unequally yoked, don’t have sex before marriage, etc.- but we always understand later. And sometimes we have to learn the hard way. It’s comforting knowing that God wants what is best for me, especially when I don’t even know what that is!

So as the year was wrapping up, Mark and the guys were getting awards at the annual award ceremony. We had all agreed to go to dinner afterwards. I was excited to meet some of their families. I still remember earlier that day when we were setting up for the ceremony, the guys joking that Mark and I should just hurry up and get married because of how we interacted with each other. It was a bittersweet day as we were setting up. Our paths would no longer be crossing as often. However, it became mainly bitter later on that night. At the end of the ceremony, a pregnant woman came up and kissed Mark on the cheek. His sister, it had to be his sister. I looked down at her wedding finger- we all do this- and there was a beautiful diamond engagement ring. His engaged sister, his engaged pregnant sister. Yeah right. How could I have been so dumb, so naïve. I find myself asking that a lot lately. But I have learned from all these experiences and that’s part of the reason I started this blog. Maybe, hopefully, others can learn from my mistakes instead of having to make their own. It was soon apparent that this was Mark’s fiancé. I debated whether or not I should still go to dinner with them. However, I’m always a fan of awkward situations and not letting others control me. The guys were really encouraging me to go and I did. Mark sat across from me and his fiancé sat next to him. He was like a blank wall all throughout dinner. I can only imagine what was going on through his head. Sidenote: It really bothered me that the other two guys never mentioned his fiancé either over the course of the year AND encouraged a relationship between the two of us. Weird. Anyway, as we were leaving the restaurant, Mark tried to put his arm around me as we were at the end of the line. What?! Mark and I never spoke about the situation. There was no reason to bring it up as we both knew I wouldn’t have dated him anyway. We saw each other a few times over the course of the following years. Random texts. Part of me was sad. I knew he wasn’t happy. I knew they weren’t in love. They had a good partnership. That was apparent. To me at least. Outwardly, they looked like a great couple/family. He told me they went through a rough patch recently and almost got divorced but they were able to work through it. I’m really glad. But I’m also really sad. I hope that one day they get to experience marriage the way God intended it to be. That they fall in love with Him and with each other. I’m always hopeful. Oh, and always trust your gut instincts.

50 notes-to-self regarding relationships

Posted on November 11, 2014 by thevirginheartbreaker

While I have mixed feelings about checklists, these notes-to-self serve as reminders and guidelines to help me remember truths I have learned from past relationships.

Avoid any physical aspect for as long as possible in a relationship; this will ensure you really like them and not just those feelings.
Ask yourself if it’s him you like or just the idea of him.
Try your hardest to not default to guys you know like you to feed your ego during a break-up. Use this precious time to run to God.
Trust those gut feelings (Holy Spirit) and be brave enough to walk away when you know something doesn’t feel right.
Be strong enough to not make excuses; brave enough to acknowledge red flags.
If talking about God pulls you apart rather than bring you together, run!
Be with someone that truly values and appreciates your best qualities.
You shouldn’t have to talk yourself into it…
Respect and trust for him will either increase or decrease- watch for this and adjust appropriately.
Wait for someone who can love, support, respect, and challenge you and knows how to balance the four correctly.
Love is and always will be the most important thing. You’ll be able to recognize it; he’ll either have it or he won’t.
If he views it as a sacrifice, it isn’t love; love trumps all.
Be with someone who doesn’t give you the option to say no to something he knows you really want/desire.
It will be easy for him to give you attention in one-on-one settings; watch how he treats you when you in groups.
Be with someone who loves you as Crist love the church; after God, and because of God, you will be his #1.
Never be with someone who demeans, belittles, or judges you.
He must have a personal relationship with Christ.
He will never attempt to question your relationship with Christ or come between it.
Wait for someone who is humble. Genuinely humble, not just says he is. Always desiring to learn, grow, and be better than he was yesterday- together.
There is a difference between doing things out of love and out of obedience.
If I don’t feel loved, I’m probably not. Excuses do get old.
Be with someone who cares about my feelings, even if they aren’t always right.
Wait for someone who is proud of me and who I am proud of.
Be with someone who could live without me but will fight and do whatever he can to make sure he doesn’t have to.
Be with someone who enjoys being with me.
He will know what Ephesians 5 means.
He will understand that one of the greatest things he can do for his kids will be to love their mother/his wife.
Wait for someone who gets excited about God with me.
He will be someone I want to submit to.
Don’t rush the relationship. Wait. Watch. And enjoy. Time will tell.
Can I see him being my best friend?
Wait for someone that will encourage me to lead and teach and do what God is calling me to do.
Don’t be with someone who is legalistic but does have strong morals, values, and convictions.
The thing he will love most about me is my heart for Christ.
He will love me as much as I love him because we will both have Christ’s love.
He will fell like the luckiest guy in the world to have me and I will feel the same.
Wait for someone that will challenge me to be better but love me no matter what; love is unconditional.
Watch for someone who is proactive and offers to help and solve problems before you even realize you needed help.
Never judgmental but pushes you to grow in love.
Wait for the one that truly believes that you were worth the wait.
Don’t let anyone abuse you- physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually.
You will have fun with him no matter what you are doing.
He won’t have any unhealthy bromances.
Always step back and wait to see if you really like him or you are just emotionally attached; there should be definitive things you like about him.
In the beginning you will see actions; in time, you will see motives.
Time heals. God heals. Sometimes you’ll have to wait for God to mend your heart. Sometimes you’ll have to wait for your feelings to catch up with what you already know deep down.
Wait for someone who initiates and sacrifices.
A real man will use his power to love.
He will value godly things above worldly accomplishments; he will understand God’s heart.
I won’t have any doubts and I’ll just know.

-the virgin heartbreaker

photo credit: Nina Matthews Photography via photopin cc

Why you do [NOT] have to be financially stable to get married and/or have kids

Posted on November 7, 2014 by thevirginheartbreaker

I hear a lot, both in and out of the church, about how important it is to be financially stable before getting married or starting a family. While the definitions for ‘financially stable’ may vary, you can quickly pick up on how people feel about the subject through both verbal and non-verbal cues. When a new couple announces their engagement, my first thoughts are how well the couple knows one another, while many others immediately look to the financial side. Although being financially stable- whatever that really means- may be used as a clue into someone’s deeper character- I honestly do not think it should be a determining factor when deciding to get married or have kids. Any family can work with some effort and creativity, and most importantly, love. Call me crazy, but contrary to the popular saying of how you can’t run a family on love, I truly believe you can- and here are some reasons why:

1) You will never be (financially) ready. What does that even mean- financially ready? Is there a set amount? I always love getting my friends’ feedback on my upcoming posts. It makes me view things from a variety of perspectives. A lot of my friends said that if you wait until you feel financially ready for marriage, it will never happen. And I tend to agree. It honestly breaks my heart when I hear people say they are waiting due to financial reasons. Life is so precious and while it is important to plan and not be careless, I don’t believe in allowing money to be a determining factor. And honestly, if it is, I would question the foundation of the relationship. A guy I was dating once made a comment about a couple with three kids who were looking to have another and they weren’t doing too great financially. His tone was enough to show his disapproval. It bothered me. How do you put a price tag on a child? What it really comes down to is what are you (not) willing to give up for another child? It just makes me sad. When I think back to my childhood, the best gifts my parents ever gave me were my siblings. I wouldn’t trade them for any laptop, dance classes, vacations, or anything else we tend to spend money on while saying we can’t afford a family.

2) Love has to be enough. Why? Simply put, if not, then the relationship is dependent on whatever it is you say needs to be there. Why is it that money problems are a leading cause of divorce? Because these relationships were not founded on true love (1 Corinthians 13). They were either founded on a good business deal or partnership or infatuation/lust, but don’t call it love. That is why the “money problems” break up marriages- it was never about love to begin with. Money can serve as a complement to your marriage so you don’t have to worry or stress about certain things but it should never serve as a substitute for love. Never equate someone’s ability to provide for you to how much they love you. With real love you can make anything work. Life is full of uncertainties. What happens if one becomes disabled? One loses their job? House burns down? When you base a relationship on the financial stability level, your relationship lacks the stability it needs to survive and that is why there are so many divorces related to money problems.

3) I’d rather live in a trailer park with 5 kids with love than a fancy house with one kid feeling unloved. Life is short and real love is rare. When you find it, you better hold onto it with all you have. A guy I was dating who owned his own home once asked if I still would had agreed to go out with him if he still lived at home with his parents. This question surprised me and I was somewhat shocked. A lot of thoughts immediately ran through my head. Did he really think that mattered to me? Did he think that made him more of a man because he didn’t live at home? Were his priorities the same as mine? Did he not understand why I liked him or what attracted me to him in the first place? In some ways I was offended. But as time went on, I learned why he had thought that. For many men that is part of what they are taught equates to success and being able to take care of a woman and family. While it was nice he had thought about those things, I came to later find out he lacked the one thing I desire above all else. True love. Genuine love. While you can make choices to put others first, you can’t make yourself love if you don’t have any love to give. A person knows when they are truly loved. At least I know.

4) True love is the best motivator. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is how much we loved. While it’s certainly nice to have the latest gadgets and be debt free, these things won’t matter in the end. “He who dies with the most toys still dies.” I believe we were all called to live for something so much greater than this life. Sometimes we get so caught up planning for our future in this life that we forget to take the steps to plan for our future in the next. We don’t know how long we are here for and our time to leave could come at any moment. I see so many people my age that are miserable because they are so set on planning for the future. Don’t get so caught up on the future that you miss out on the present. One of the biggest regrets of so many old people is how much time they spent working. Enjoy today. Love. Real love comes from God and understanding of how much God loves us. “Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.” -1 John 4:8 When we truly love our spouse and our kids, anything is possible and we can make anything work. And I don’t even like to call it work because, to me, loving and being loved is such a precious gift and makes everything worth it and so much better. I can’t wait to experience that kind of love with my future husband.