Category Archives: Bible

Rebounding is not always such a bad idea

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I’d like to preface this with what I would hope to be common knowledge given the title of my blog but just in case- I do not mean rebounding in any physical manner. However, I do believe rebounding in other ways may prove to be very beneficial and healthy.

Going through break-ups are rough. Unless you decide to not have a heart and cut off all emotions (which I have seen before) you will experience pain and heartbreak when you go through a break-up. While I have not done any studies on it, I do think that you experience more pain with the ones you cared about the most, the ones you allowed inside your heart. It’s so crappy when it happens because part of you never wants to experience that hurt again but at the same time it’s rewarding because even after all the pain, at least you can feel and have the capacity to love. To me that’s everything.

Nothing is a substitute for time after a break-up. However, it is what you do during the time after a break-up that affects your healing process most. I think we all deal with it in unique and different ways. I’m a huge fan of closure and for me, I sometimes put myself through more pain because it helps me to truly get over someone and have no regrets. While my healing process may be different than yours, I don’t think it’s really all that unique. I question the relationship- if I could have or should have done anything different. Was it my fault things ended- were my expectations too high? I remember the good times. I stalk social media pages and wonder if they are missing what we had. Because truthfully, while we may miss each other I think what we miss the most is feeling loved. I tend to close myself off to anyone else because I know I am vulnerable and just want to feel loved again. So I don’t look for anyone else for awhile, I won’t open myself up until I feel completely healed.

It sounds good in theory but what happens during that time of healing? We don’t go out and we don’t allow anyone in. That forces us to only think about that one person we had. So in hopes of feeling loved, we try to convince ourselves our ex wasn’t that bad because we don’t want to be alone. This is why you see so many people go back to their exes, back into bad relationships. This is why people settle. And it’s so scary because I’ve been there so many times.

I went through a break up not too long ago and I am now currently talking to a guy that recently got out of a relationship, as well. My old self would have said this is a recipe for disaster. “Don’t talk to me, I need to be alone for a long time” would be my response. But this guy is fun and honest and real. We are able to talk and communicate about what is going on inside of us. I have a feeling we will always be friends no matter where our paths may take us. We think a lot alike and have very similar interests. It’s a different feeling than I am used to and I like it. I am so glad I met him and that we came into each other’s lives. I’ve already learned so much more about myself because of him. When you don’t see anyone else, you naturally think it won’t get any better than what you had. He reminds me what it is I really want when I had forgotten in my previous relationships. He gives me hope. Likewise, he was hanging onto the thought of hopefully getting back with his ex because that’s all he knew, all he saw. Meeting me has reminded him of what he is really looking for, things he didn’t think were out there. It’s crazy how in some ways we came into each other’s lives to renew our hope. Some may call it rebounding and that’s okay with me. But this kind of rebounding shouldn’t have a negative connotation. We aren’t using each other. We’ve set boundaries. We like each other and we appreciate each other. It gave us fresh eyes to move forward and to move on.

I sometimes wonder if we hadn’t come into each other’s lives if we would still be hurting or wishing for something in the past because we saw no future. Society tells us it’s wrong to rebound and not fair to the other person. And I would agree, especially if you are using someone just to feel better about yourself. But I don’t think there is anything wrong with putting yourself out there in order to heal and do what you need to do. I still am a firm believer in self-reflection and alone time. Don’t rush into something just because you are lonely, but don’t close yourself off just because you’re scared. There is so much hope out there, so much love. Give yourself another chance. You left that person for a reason and God has that perfect one for you out there. Go explore and never settle.

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There is no such thing as right person, wrong time

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Seriously. I’ve heard this numerous times and I just read an article entitled something along the lines of “The joys and pains of meeting the right person at the wrong time.” Umm what?! I’m sorry, but do you realize how rare it is to find the/a right person? And let’s be honest for a second, maybe it’s just me, but if I found what I thought was the right person, I don’t see how or why the “wrong time” would have to stop us from being together. So what do these “wrong times” really mean?

  • The “I just got out of a relationship and need to be single for awhile” excuse. I’ll let you in on a little secret- 99% of the time this line is used as a nice way to reject someone. The other 1% actually recognizes what is going on inside them and hopefully expresses it well enough to let the other person know they can still enjoy a friendship with one another. Besides, starting out as friends is always a plus. The right one will be patient. So tell me how this was really the right person at the wrong time again?
  • The “I just think we are headed in different directions” excuse. Basically, something else is more important to me right now and this relationship is not worth it. You are a great person but more than likely not the one I’m supposed to be with so I’m okay with letting you go. Love always finds a way and if I really thought you were the right person, I’d find a way to be together, while still pursuing my dreams. It’s not rocket science, but it does require two people who both feel the other is the right person for them.
  • The “I’m just too young and don’t know who I am yet” excuse. Legit excuse. However, who says you can’t figure out life with the right person? If anything, I think the right person would be a complement to you and would only help to strengthen and encourage you. But then again, we often get this confused with the wrong person who we like but something deep down in our gut tells us something is wrong. Therefore, this wonderful excuse was born.
  • The “We live in two different places” excuse. While I understand this is a hard one, I firmly believe it’s doable. After realizing how rare it is to find someone you actually like and could see yourself being with for the rest of your life, I honestly believe that with the right person, you can make anything work. This might include giving up on something that is not that important to, compromising, or managing a long distance relationship for a certain period of time. I think we forget that one of the greatest things about being in a healthy relationship is having someone that loves you no matter what and encourages you to achieve all the dreams God placed in your heart. The wrong one will not understand this and have a cookie-cutter life planned out and run the minute things don’t go according to plan.
  • The “This could never work long term” excuse. This one is open-ended. Our families don’t get along. We have different beliefs. You annoy me. Really, this could be anything. We like the person for whatever reason but we don’t want to be with them for the rest of our lives and that’s okay. There will be many people we like for different reasons but that does not mean they are the right person for us. It’ll work with the right person no matter what obstacles may come your way.

What all of these have in common is the fact that they weren’t the wrong time; they were the wrong person for you if you were willing to let them go. Let’s call it what it is. Besides, would the right person really leave you? That doesn’t sound like the kind of right person I would want to be with anyway. And if I’m not willing to work through it or make it work, I deep down don’t think they are the right person either.

Maybe we just need to redefine the term “right person.” Sometimes a right person will come into our life only for a season. We grow, we learn but it doesn’t necessarily mean we are to spend the rest of our lives with this person. This term “wrong time” has such a negative connotation. Embrace the time you have with those at given times in your life. Some come for a lifetime, others for a season and that’s okay. These people can be the right person at the right time. They are a great person, cool person but not the right person (marriage), for us at least. So can we please stop lying to ourselves? Can we please stop using this as a cop out to avoid rejection or rejecting someone else. It’s not the wrong time- it’s just that we are don’t see this going anywhere further and that is nothing to feel bad about.

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To the girl who regrets waiting until marriage for sex

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There is an article going around about a woman who waited until her wedding night to lose her virginity and how she wished didn’t. If you are interested in reading it, it can be found here. One of my friends sent it to me and as I was thinking about my thoughts regarding it, I decided to make them into a blog post as a means to hopefully clarify what I believe went wrong.

I first want to start off by saying her sex life sounded awful. It breaks my heart and is certainly not how God intended it. Sex is a great thing. God created it and it is talked about and encouraged in the Bible several times. To me, it represents a whole new level of intimacy that I hope to share with the man I love as I get to be vulnerable and allow him to love me on a deeper level as well. I look forward to this day. It is beautiful and wonderful… IF you have a proper understanding of why God designed sex and if shared with the right person. And therein lies the problem. Her problems started before her wedding. Her problems began before she even met her husband. They started when she was a kid.

  1. Samantha stated that she decided to save herself for marriage because she believed that true love waits. Why? What does that even mean? How is it true love if you wait and not if you don’t? My feeling is that she didn’t know the answers to these questions. There are so many benefits to waiting until marriage to have sex and there are no cons if you truly marry the one God has for you. It is so easy to bring additional problems into the marriage and then blame God’s rules for them. One of my favorite pastors, Andy Stanley, once said there are no such things as marriage problems, just single people problems that get brought into the marriage and I couldn’t agree more. If there is one thing I have learned, it’s that God wants what is best for us more than anyone in this world could ever want. He would not withhold anything good from us. And just because we may not understand exactly why at the time, if we have a true relationship with Jesus, He will show us why. Sometimes I’m okay with just trusting God because I know He loves me, other times I ask Him to show me things and I actually put some effort into finding the answers and He does show me.
  2. 10 years old. She made a big deal about how she was too young to make the pledge at that age. I don’t think this is too young given our culture today. Maybe it was too young for her though and the proper age may be different given your specific environment. I doubt this had much effect, however.
  3. What her church taught was a lie. What scriptures did they use? Sex is for married people and it is sinful and dirty outside of marriage. You should want to remain pure for your husband, but because you love him not just because you don’t want to go to hell. I’m sorry but if you do or don’t do anything because you don’t want to go to hell, that is really selfish and not about love at all. And God’s number one commandment is love. There was no love in her church or interpretation of it. And just to be clear, the responsibility to remain pure is the same for both women and men. I have nooo idea where her church got the idea that men weren’t held to the same standard. This sounds more like a legalistic cult rather than a loving church.
  4. Your virginity should never be your identity but an action that follows as a result of who you are and what your identity really is in Christ. Samantha noted that it did become her identity and that was another problem. No wonder she couldn’t enjoy sex. If you lose what you are dependent on for your identity of course nothing good is going to come as a result. My life would be over if I lost Christ. He defines me. I would be lost without Him. But it’s Him that defines me, never my virginity.
  5. Why the heck would she feel dirty, wrong, or sinful having sex with her husband?! It sounds like she was taught that sex in general was bad and it’s not. It’s great. And it’s best when shared with the person you decided to spend the rest of your life with and make that commitment. You should only ever feel that way if you give away part of yourself to the wrong person. I can’t wait to have sex and it will be enjoyable (after the initial pain;) with the right person- awful with the wrong one because you do give away a part of yourself and it’s extremely scary if it’s not the right person. It also sounds like she didn’t trust her husband enough to be open with him during this. I would never marry someone I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to about these things. There were definitely some communication issues. This would not have been solved by having sex a bunch prior to marriage. I will say sometimes people rush marriage because they are waiting until marriage for sex, as well. This is never good either. I don’t know what their motive for getting married was, but sometimes lust is the main reason. That will never end well if that’s the case.
  6. She had religion but not a relationship. Her view of God was so incredibly wrong. I cannot stress this enough- you do not remain pure because you don’t want to go to hell or want God to bless your marriage! These were her reasons mentioned. You do it because you love God and you love your future spouse. Am I the only one that sees this? I don’t do nice things because I don’t want to be treated badly by people; I do them because I love and care about people. When you truly move from following a set of rules and guidelines and start developing a loving relationship with Christ, your whole life changes and that’s why they call it being born again.

This article truly broke my heart because she was not able to fully enjoy sex, or make love as I prefer to call it, because she was never really shown what Christ’s love was all about. Please don’t forget that just because someone goes to church or says they are a Christian doesn’t mean they really are. It goes much deeper than that. I truly hope she realizes one day that her problem wasn’t the fact that she didn’t sleep around before marriage, but that she never had a proper relationship with Christ of knowing how much He truly loves her.

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4 months, 4 holidays, 4 ever alone

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Every year I manage to be sick for Thanksgiving- great tradition right?! Anyway, that’s not going to keep me from being thankful for all that I have been blessed with. And it won’t keep me from writing this Nyquil induced post either so let’s gooooo.

This is the worst time of the year if you are single. Seriously. You have 4 months of 4 great holidays and no one to share them with. I think it can be easy to forget that you’re single the other months, especially living in Florida. Come on- you can just go to the beach everyday and still feel perfectly content- am I right?! But these four months can be pretty brutal. I don’t know about you, but I absolutely LOVE holidays, so for me, they can be especially hard when you are single. November, December, January, February- the no-dating time for guys and the prime dating time for girls. Each month holds a significant holiday that is more meaningful when shared with someone you love. With today being Thanksgiving and while some of you may be feeling alone, I thought I would send out a little encouragement to help you get through the holidays.

  1. November- Thanksgiving. This can be tough, especially if you have a bunch of family asking about when you will settle down. But the cool thing about Thanksgiving is that it allows you the time to reflect on what you do have and forget about what you don’t. For this one day, I cannot stress the importance enough to focus on what you are thankful for. We all have our different challenges and battles to fight and it can be easy to feel bad about what’s lacking in your life. I find myself getting made at myself if I start to get whiny. If you ate today and are able to read this, you are doing better than most of the world. Just think about that. Our society is so good at getting us to compare our lives with those who *appear* to have no problems. We see the happy family picture on facebook, but don’t see the fights behind the scenes. The couple on the brink of divorce, the family who just lost their child, the father who just lost his job. If you do one thing today, make a list of everything you are thankful for and keep it as a reminder when you are tempted to feel bad. Some of the things on my list include a loving family who mean the world to me, past relationships that taught me more about myself, my freedom to worship God and say how I feel, God’s faithfulness when I let Him down, and the ability to love more even when it hurts.
  2. December- Christmas. Christmas is tough for me because I love giving gifts, watching Christmas movies by the fire, and going to see all the Christmas lights. But the truth is, you can still do all of these things for the people in your life even if you don’t have a significant other. What’s so wonderful about this holiday-it’s my favorite one too- is the fact that we get to celebrate the birth of Jesus. And honestly, if your think about Jesus, His story, and how much He loves you it is extremely difficult to be sad. It’s only when we take the focus off of others and put it on ourselves that we start to get depressed. So for Christmas this year, why don’t we focus on different unique ways that we may be able to bless others, while asking God to change our hearts to see things the way He does.
  3. January- New Years. Okay, now we are getting to the more romantic holidays and there is just something great about ringing in the new year with someone special. However, this is a prime time to do some personal reflection. I always enjoy spending this time looking back at the previous year and thinking about everything that happened. If you couldn’t tell, I’m a journaler (apparently that is not a real word, oh well). I love to write and look back and see how much I have grown through the years. I often get so busy with life that I fail to see all I have accomplished, as well. During this time, I think about the year ahead, I think about regrets and things I’d like to change. I think New Year resolutions get a bad rap. While I think we should always be growing and reflecting, this an excellent time to break bad habits or start something beneficial. Once again, it’s hard to think about the new year’s kiss you are missing if you are thinking about the impact you will make in the upcoming year and thanking God for another year He has blessed you with. I can’t wait to see what some of my goals and resolutions will be for 2015! Don’t worry, I shall shareJ
  4. February- Valentines. Blah. I love this holiday and I generally always spend it single. I simply cannot wait to spend this day with someone who loves me and someone I love. But until then, I will still love this sappy holiday and be grateful for all the couples that can enjoy this over commercialized day. People say you should show your love everyday and while I agree, I will take any opportunity I can to show my love for someone special. You can go ahead and call me a hopeless romantic. But let’s not forget that this holiday is about love and just because we don’t have a significant other doesn’t mean we can’t show love to others. This is a great day to express your love to those that may need it most through random acts of kindness. Ask God to show you who one person who needs His love this Valentine’s Day and seek to be blessing to them. Our lives our short- don’t get so caught up in the future and how you feel things should be that you miss out on the wonderful opportunities today.

I don’t want to diminish the fact that it can be difficult to navigate the holidays being single. The truth of the matter is we can all be in a relationship if we wanted. But we have standards. And we aren’t willing to settle. I know these times can have their difficult moments but we can make them better if we choose to focus on the positive rather than the negative. I am so thankful for the opportunity to share my thoughts and feelings with you all.:)

With sniffles and sneezes,

Happy Thanksgiving!

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Why the virgin heartbreaker?

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I honestly didn’t think it would be as tough as it is. When I first thought of the name the virgin heartbreaker several years ago, I thought it was the best idea ever. I thought it was catchy, I thought it would get people to think about what it meant- I thought it would stand out. And stand out is what I want to do. I’m not going to lie, it is a bit awkward to say sometimes especially to people who know me but not that well. Surprise, they are going to know a lot more about me than maybe they wanted to now. I don’t think some people know how to respond when I tell them; mainly because it’s somewhat taboo to talk about sex in certain settings. Other settings love to talk about it, but not in an abstinence way at all. I can’t tell you how many times I have been somewhere where sex has been talked about so openly, vulgarly, and casually. I look for opportunities to share why I have chosen to wait until marriage to have sex but sometimes I refrain if the setting isn’t as appropriate. But then someone asks or makes a comment, completely oblivious, and I have to tell them and then the whole group gets quiet. Why does no one know what to say? Is it something that is so rare in our generation, for someone my age? I get the standard response “oh wow, that’s awesome that you are doing that,” but it doesn’t seem sincere, from most at least. No one wants to talk about it.

For a majority of the people, they don’t get it nor want to get it. If they stop and think about it, they might feel convicted or guilty- maybe they’ll realize they should stop having sex so casually. Did God have something better in mind when he created sex? There’s always at least one in a setting I am in that thinks about it- that didn’t realize people still lived like that. And those are the moments I love. Our culture has done its best to desensitize us to thinking that one of the most sacred and highest forms of love can be dwindled down into a one-night stand. Not only that but lead you to believe there is nothing wrong with it and that it doesn’t come with any consequences. It truly breaks my heart because once you give your virginity away to someone, you never get it back. And for me, I hope to one day give that sacred gift away to my husband.

I didn’t have sex when I was younger because my mom told me not to. She told me that God wanted me to save that for marriage and that it’s supposed to be only something shared between a husband and wife. I trusted my mom so much that that was enough for me at that age. I knew she loved me and wanted what was best for me- so if I was really missing out on something great she wouldn’t keep that from me. That was enough for me at that time. Trust and innocence is such a beautiful thing. How great is it to feel so loved that you don’t even have to question something. To know that just because you don’t understand something at the time doesn’t mean you have to fight it. Oh how I wish people would trust God that same way sometimes. We always need to have a reason why for everything we are told today. There is no trust. There is no faith. There is no hope. I am thankful that my heart for God is ahead of my brain. God’s love for me is so unfailing that I oftentimes find myself solely relying on Him and trusting Him. And while in my teen years, I didn’t have sex just because He told me not to, I have learned the why. My dad got me this Christian fish ring for my 17th birthday and it has been my purity ring ever since.

purityringFor me, this serves as a constant reminder that Jesus is my first love and that I will fight for my purity so I can one day give that to my husband. It is so easy to try and justify having sex in today’s society and while it may be great for the moment (our instant gratification society), God has something so much better in mind for us all. There were so many times where I have been tempted to go too far with a guy just because of my emotions and feelings in the moment but it’s always later that I look back and am so grateful that I never did because honestly they never deserved that part of me. That part is for my husband and he is worth the wait. What a wonderful gift I hope to give him someday.

But back to the actual name. The name the virgin heartbreaker randomly hit me many years ago when thinking about my many failed attempts toward finding true love. Who would have thought that someone who didn’t have sex could break so many hearts? Breaking hearts is not something I am proud of but it happens when you have two people that care about each other. The virgin in the name is there to make a point. I am a virgin and while that seems to have more negative than positive connotations in today’s society for a girl my age, I will continue to make a stand and encourage others to do the same. I chose to use the word heartbreaker because unfortunately the term virgin is often coupled with someone who nobody wants to have sex with, not that they purposely chose to remain abstinent. I don’t say this arrogantly at all, but I have had to say no to many guys and “break their hearts” when society would have you to believe that no one would like/love you if you don’t have sex with them. This is simply not true. The only people you miss out on are the ones looking for hook-ups rather than commitment and I don’t think anyone truly wants that anyway. So the name is simply what it is in hopes to start discussion and encourage others to know that you don’t have to engage in sex in order to get a guy. In fact, I challenge you not to and to remember that at any time you can give your virginity away, but never again can you get it back. Fight for your purity. It is so worth the wait.

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The time I dated someone else’s spouse

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Honestly, I don’t even know if you would call it dating. I would but, in today’s culture, people don’t seem to take that as seriously as I do. I met Mark through some mutual friends. He was a few years older, mature, smart, funny, and good looking. He worked in the medical field and because of our lines of work, our paths ended up crossing over the course of about a year. While working on various projects, it was always me, Mark and two other guys. One of the other guys was around our age and engaged with 4 kids. The other guy was much older in a happy marriage. It was always us four going out and doing things- mostly work related or grabbing food. I absolutely loved our times together. They were always so fun and light-hearted. The most tedious tasks we had to do were always more exciting with them. While Mark and I did do things one on one sometimes, it wasn’t that often. So maybe, in his defense, this justified are non-relationship, relationship for him.

He’d always pay for my food when we’d go out, either one-on-one or while we were in our wolf pack. Can I be a part of a wolf pack? I don’t know but I need a nickname for the four of us so it’ll work. We’d flirt, bicker, laugh, and talk about our goals and dreams. We both had extremely busy schedules so I never really questioned the fact that we didn’t go out more than we already did. Well that and part of me didn’t want to. Honestly, while I was attracted to him and I felt like I was dating him in so many ways, I never pushed our “relationship” because I didn’t want it to go there. Why? Because I knew it wouldn’t work long term. Part of our talks were about God and he didn’t believe in God really. I think he just wasn’t sure or hadn’t really thought about it before. In some ways that did attract me to him; it wasn’t that he was against it so much as he never really knew someone that believed and loved God like I did. You know how people always say that girls never go after the good guys? Well, I think because I grew up around a lot of “church guys” and know that many of them don’t really love God as they profess, I’ve felt in the past that I’d have better luck with people that were more open to learning about Christianity and it being real for them. To me, that was more appealing than a fake Christian. I think in some ways it gives me hope. But deep down, I think part of me knew something wasn’t right. Anyone can have fun with anybody depending on what you are doing; but real love is when you can strip away all the fluff and at the core of your being can share the most important thing to you. For me, that is my relationship with God. And since God is love, He enables me to love deeper. So no matter how much fun I had with Mark, something was still missing. And I knew it. This is one of the best things I love about God. Sometimes we might not understand why God has certain rules- don’t be unequally yoked, don’t have sex before marriage, etc.- but we always understand later. And sometimes we have to learn the hard way. It’s comforting knowing that God wants what is best for me, especially when I don’t even know what that is!

So as the year was wrapping up, Mark and the guys were getting awards at the annual award ceremony. We had all agreed to go to dinner afterwards. I was excited to meet some of their families. I still remember earlier that day when we were setting up for the ceremony, the guys joking that Mark and I should just hurry up and get married because of how we interacted with each other. It was a bittersweet day as we were setting up. Our paths would no longer be crossing as often. However, it became mainly bitter later on that night. At the end of the ceremony, a pregnant woman came up and kissed Mark on the cheek. His sister, it had to be his sister. I looked down at her wedding finger- we all do this- and there was a beautiful diamond engagement ring. His engaged sister, his engaged pregnant sister. Yeah right. How could I have been so dumb, so naïve. I find myself asking that a lot lately. But I have learned from all these experiences and that’s part of the reason I started this blog. Maybe, hopefully, others can learn from my mistakes instead of having to make their own. It was soon apparent that this was Mark’s fiancé. I debated whether or not I should still go to dinner with them. However, I’m always a fan of awkward situations and not letting others control me. The guys were really encouraging me to go and I did. Mark sat across from me and his fiancé sat next to him. He was like a blank wall all throughout dinner. I can only imagine what was going on through his head. Sidenote: It really bothered me that the other two guys never mentioned his fiancé either over the course of the year AND encouraged a relationship between the two of us. Weird. Anyway, as we were leaving the restaurant, Mark tried to put his arm around me as we were at the end of the line. What?! Mark and I never spoke about the situation. There was no reason to bring it up as we both knew I wouldn’t have dated him anyway. We saw each other a few times over the course of the following years. Random texts. Part of me was sad. I knew he wasn’t happy. I knew they weren’t in love. They had a good partnership. That was apparent. To me at least. Outwardly, they looked like a great couple/family. He told me they went through a rough patch recently and almost got divorced but they were able to work through it. I’m really glad. But I’m also really sad. I hope that one day they get to experience marriage the way God intended it to be. That they fall in love with Him and with each other. I’m always hopeful. Oh, and always trust your gut instincts.

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50 notes-to-self regarding relationships

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While I have mixed feelings about checklists, these notes-to-self serve as reminders and guidelines to help me remember truths I have learned from past relationships.

  1. Avoid any physical aspect for as long as possible in a relationship; this will ensure you really like them and not just those feelings.
  2. Ask yourself if it’s him you like or just the idea of him.
  3. Try your hardest to not default to guys you know like you to feed your ego during a break-up. Use this precious time to run to God.
  4. Trust those gut feelings (Holy Spirit) and be brave enough to walk away when you know something doesn’t feel right.
  5. Be strong enough to not make excuses; brave enough to acknowledge red flags.
  6. If talking about God pulls you apart rather than bring you together, run!
  7. Be with someone that truly values and appreciates your best qualities.
  8. You shouldn’t have to talk yourself into it…
  9. Respect and trust for him will either increase or decrease- watch for this and adjust appropriately.
  10. Wait for someone who can love, support, respect, and challenge you and knows how to balance the four correctly.
  11. Love is and always will be the most important thing. You’ll be able to recognize it; he’ll either have it or he won’t.
  12. If he views it as a sacrifice, it isn’t love; love trumps all.
  13. Be with someone who doesn’t give you the option to say no to something he knows you really want/desire.
  14. It will be easy for him to give you attention in one-on-one settings; watch how he treats you when you in groups.
  15. Be with someone who loves you as Crist love the church; after God, and because of God, you will be his #1.
  16. Never be with someone who demeans, belittles, or judges you.
  17. He must have a personal relationship with Christ.
  18. He will never attempt to question your relationship with Christ or come between it.
  19. Wait for someone who is humble. Genuinely humble, not just says he is. Always desiring to learn, grow, and be better than he was yesterday- together.
  20. There is a difference between doing things out of love and out of obedience.
  21. If I don’t feel loved, I’m probably not. Excuses do get old.
  22. Be with someone who cares about my feelings, even if they aren’t always right.
  23. Wait for someone who is proud of me and who I am proud of.
  24. Be with someone who could live without me but will fight and do whatever he can to make sure he doesn’t have to.
  25. Be with someone who enjoys being with me.
  26. He will know what Ephesians 5 means.
  27. He will understand that one of the greatest things he can do for his kids will be to love their mother/his wife.
  28. Wait for someone who gets excited about God with me.
  29. He will be someone I want to submit to.
  30. Don’t rush the relationship. Wait. Watch. And enjoy. Time will tell.
  31. Can I see him being my best friend?
  32. Wait for someone that will encourage me to lead and teach and do what God is calling me to do.
  33. Don’t be with someone who is legalistic but does have strong morals, values, and convictions.
  34. The thing he will love most about me is my heart for Christ.
  35. He will love me as much as I love him because we will both have Christ’s love.
  36. He will fell like the luckiest guy in the world to have me and I will feel the same.
  37. Wait for someone that will challenge me to be better but love me no matter what; love is unconditional.
  38. Watch for someone who is proactive and offers to help and solve problems before you even realize you needed help.
  39. Never judgmental but pushes you to grow in love.
  40. Wait for the one that truly believes that you were worth the wait.
  41. Don’t let anyone abuse you- physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually.
  42. You will have fun with him no matter what you are doing.
  43. He won’t have any unhealthy bromances.
  44. Always step back and wait to see if you really like him or you are just emotionally attached; there should be definitive things you like about him.
  45. In the beginning you will see actions; in time, you will see motives.
  46. Time heals. God heals. Sometimes you’ll have to wait for God to mend your heart. Sometimes you’ll have to wait for your feelings to catch up with what you already know deep down.
  47. Wait for someone who initiates and sacrifices.
  48. A real man will use his power to love.
  49. He will value godly things above worldly accomplishments; he will understand God’s heart.
  50. I won’t have any doubts and I’ll just know.

-the virgin heartbreaker

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Why you do [NOT] have to be financially stable to get married and/or have kids

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I hear a lot, both in and out of the church, about how important it is to be financially stable before getting married or starting a family. While the definitions for ‘financially stable’ may vary, you can quickly pick up on how people feel about the subject through both verbal and non-verbal cues. When a new couple announces their engagement, my first thoughts are how well the couple knows one another, while many others immediately look to the financial side. Although being financially stable- whatever that really means- may be used as a clue into someone’s deeper character- I honestly do not think it should be a determining factor when deciding to get married or have kids. Any family can work with some effort and creativity, and most importantly, love. Call me crazy, but contrary to the popular saying of how you can’t run a family on love, I truly believe you can- and here are some reasons why:

1) You will never be (financially) ready. What does that even mean- financially ready? Is there a set amount? I always love getting my friends’ feedback on my upcoming posts. It makes me view things from a variety of perspectives. A lot of my friends said that if you wait until you feel financially ready for marriage, it will never happen. And I tend to agree. It honestly breaks my heart when I hear people say they are waiting due to financial reasons. Life is so precious and while it is important to plan and not be careless, I don’t believe in allowing money to be a determining factor. And honestly, if it is, I would question the foundation of the relationship. A guy I was dating once made a comment about a couple with three kids who were looking to have another and they weren’t doing too great financially. His tone was enough to show his disapproval. It bothered me. How do you put a price tag on a child? What it really comes down to is what are you (not) willing to give up for another child? It just makes me sad. When I think back to my childhood, the best gifts my parents ever gave me were my siblings. I wouldn’t trade them for any laptop, dance classes, vacations, or anything else we tend to spend money on while saying we can’t afford a family.

2) Love has to be enough. Why? Simply put, if not, then the relationship is dependent on whatever it is you say needs to be there. Why is it that money problems are a leading cause of divorce? Because these relationships were not founded on true love (1 Corinthians 13). They were either founded on a good business deal or partnership or infatuation/lust, but don’t call it love. That is why the “money problems” break up marriages- it was never about love to begin with. Money can serve as a complement to your marriage so you don’t have to worry or stress about certain things but it should never serve as a substitute for love. Never equate someone’s ability to provide for you to how much they love you. With real love you can make anything work. Life is full of uncertainties. What happens if one becomes disabled? One loses their job? House burns down? When you base a relationship on the financial stability level, your relationship lacks the stability it needs to survive and that is why there are so many divorces related to money problems.

3) I’d rather live in a trailer park with 5 kids with love than a fancy house with one kid feeling unloved. Life is short and real love is rare. When you find it, you better hold onto it with all you have. A guy I was dating who owned his own home once asked if I still would had agreed to go out with him if he still lived at home with his parents. This question surprised me and I was somewhat shocked. A lot of thoughts immediately ran through my head. Did he really think that mattered to me? Did he think that made him more of a man because he didn’t live at home? Were his priorities the same as mine? Did he not understand why I liked him or what attracted me to him in the first place? In some ways I was offended. But as time went on, I learned why he had thought that. For many men that is part of what they are taught equates to success and being able to take care of a woman and family. While it was nice he had thought about those things, I came to later find out he lacked the one thing I desire above all else. True love. Genuine love. While you can make choices to put others first, you can’t make yourself love if you don’t have any love to give. A person knows when they are truly loved. At least I know.

4) True love is the best motivator. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is how much we loved. While it’s certainly nice to have the latest gadgets and be debt free, these things won’t matter in the end. “He who dies with the most toys still dies.” I believe we were all called to live for something so much greater than this life. Sometimes we get so caught up planning for our future in this life that we forget to take the steps to plan for our future in the next. We don’t know how long we are here for and our time to leave could come at any moment. I see so many people my age that are miserable because they are so set on planning for the future. Don’t get so caught up on the future that you miss out on the present. One of the biggest regrets of so many old people is how much time they spent working. Enjoy today. Love. Real love comes from God and understanding of how much God loves us. “Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.” -1 John 4:8 When we truly love our spouse and our kids, anything is possible and we can make anything work. And I don’t even like to call it work because, to me, loving and being loved is such a precious gift and makes everything worth it and so much better. I can’t wait to experience that kind of love with my future husband.

-the virgin heartbreaker

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6 signs you don’t like him as much as you think you do

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So have you ever looked back at a previous relationship and realized you never really liked him as much as you thought? I think for us girls, we tend to like the idea of a guy more than the guy himself. At first, they seem so great so we embrace the relationship but time always tells; don’t get so caught up that you turn a blind eye to definite red flags. Hindsight is 20/20 but here are some clues I should have given a little more weight to in the beginning in order to avoid the heartbreak later.

1) You will tell people some of the bad stuff, but not all of it

I am notorious for this. There is a lot of good in the beginning and you are so infatuated that you don’t want to come off of that high. We tell people all of the wonderful sweet things he does like sending random texts to let us know how he is thinking about us, remembering something we liked at the mall and going back a day later to get it and surprise us with it, or something that showed us how kind and thoughtful he is. The problem with this is in the beginning we only see actions; after time we start to see the motives that are behind them. But we hold onto those actions when clues and red flags start to become visible. And we know it’s wrong which is why we can’t bring ourselves to tell others. Doesn’t the good outweigh the bad? Time will tell but it is imperative to find people that you can tell everything to and who will give an honest, objective opinion if you want to end up in a healthy, loving relationship- even if there are things you don’t necessarily want to hear.

2) You make excuses for him or try to justify his behavior

So those things that you are holding back from telling people about- you know exactly why they are doing them. And you don’t dare to tell anyone about them because they won’t understand like you do. Gag me. We are so dumb sometimes. “He had to deal with a lot in his childhood so it’s really tough for him to show how much he cares,” “he was made fun of a lot while growing up so it’s just that he is insecure.” We should win freakin awards for how creative we become at analyzing and coming up with the reasons our guys do things we know they shouldn’t. You should never have to make excuses for your guy; this will get old fast. We all have things we are working on and need to overcome. Unless your guy admits what he is working on and growing and improving, those traits are probably not going anywhere. Watch him objectively and be open to the truth. It is one thing to be understanding and seek to know your boyfriend’s perspective versus being taken advantage of and abused.

3) You aren’t free to truly be yourself around him

I am a pretty free-spirited girl. I rarely care what people think, seek to make a difference in the world, and try to enjoy life to the fullest. I am very silly by nature and love to laugh and make others laugh. I’m a dreamer and an achiever. Few things excite me more than thinking about all God has planned for my life. Because of these aspects of myself, some people have told me I am intimidating. Well unfortunately I have dated some guys that have seemed to squash the joy right out of me. I’ve felt judged so I held back. I’ve had guys ask why rather than why not. Your guy should bring out the best in you, not the worst. Never get so caught up in a relationship that you lose who you are.

4) You don’t feel that he really loves you

I believe that the most beautiful girl is one that knows how much she is loved. While I still think this happens best when you know how much God loves you, being loved by your man definitely influences your life. Christ commanded husbands to love their wives like Christ loved the church in Ephesians 5. This is not just a simple “I love you, babe.” It’s hard to write a how-to on that because love is something you either have or you don’t. Women who are loved are free to be themselves; women who aren’t start changing their behavior because they are seeking that love. It’s awful and heartbreaking to watch or go through. You start to hate him for not loving you and you start to hate who you’ve become as a result.

5) You doubt their relationship with Christ

This one is crucial. If you end up getting married, you will become one with him. Knowing they have a solid relationship with Christ is imperative, as he will be leading your home. This shouldn’t scare you because if he really knows Christ, he will also understand the importance of loving his wife. This will be comforting and not scary as you will grow in your love, trust, and respect for him. But if you don’t trust their relationship with Christ, you could be putting yourself if a very dangerous situation. Many people say they are Christians and play church very well. But watch their actions and watch for their personal relationship with Christ. “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:35

6) The thought of marrying him scares you more than the thought of breaking up with him

This one is the toughest to come to terms with but really shows where your heart is and what you know down deep. No one likes breaking up. But the harsh reality is every relationship you enter into either ends in a break-up or a marriage. Really puts things into perspective doesn’t it? Few things are worse than being stuck in a marriage with someone simply because you were lonely and just liked having someone there. Wait for the one you can’t imagine living without; the one you are willing to say no to every other guy for. Sometimes we get scared that we won’t find someone better but that should never be a reason to be with someone. God has the best for you. Don’t settle. You will know when you find him.

-the virgin heartbreaker

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The truth behind why women want BIG proposals and BIG rings

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We are not all gold diggers. I thought it would be appropriate to start with that because that is typically the first judgement that is passed on to any girl desiring the two. I would also preface this post with the fact that not all women desire big proposals, rings, and/or weddings either. My goal here is to not really talk about the material aspects but more the underlying thoughts about why women do desire these things. And what most women want deep down.

I asked my friends on Facebook what they thought about women who desire big proposals and big rings and the responses were in line with what I had expected. People automatically assume the worse. Men believe if that is all the woman cares about, he doesn’t want her. Women feel that it shouldn’t matter. And I agree it shouldn’t matter but it does. And hopefully I’ll be able to shed some light as to why it does.

Call me old fashioned but I still believe in the man proposing and providing the ring. I don’t get the whole women proposing to men thing. It’s weird. But I also believe in mutual love and this may mean the guy and the girl love and show love in different ways sometimes. There is nothing wrong with this.

I will confess that I do desire a big ring and a big proposal but not because I’m a diamond snob or want to post my proposal to youtube. Okay, maybe I do want it on youtube. But seriously, I desire these because to me it can, can being the key word, show how much a guy values me. Just another way to express his love. Certainly not the only way but that is what excites me about it. Do you remember the widow’s offering in the Bible?

And he sat down opposite the treasury and watched the people putting money into the offering box. Many rich people put in large sums. And a poor widow came and put in two small copper coins, which make a penny. And he called his disciples to him and said to them, “Truly, I say to you, this poor widow has put in more than all those who are contributing to the offering box. For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had, all she had to live on.” Mark 12:41-44 (ESV)

Big ring is relative. What matters here is how much value the guy places on the woman. What is she worth? We see the widow in the above scripture give two small copper coins and Jesus said she put in more than all those who were contributing. Why? Because she gave all she had- she didn’t count the costs. That is what women really are seeking. A $5,000 ring will mean more to a girl who’s guy had to work a year to save up for it but desired nothing but the best for his girl because she is worth it to him. Alternatively, it probably won’t mean as much to the girl who knows the guy makes that in a month, easily. There are always exceptions here but please don’t miss the point I am trying to make. Ladies, you should feel loved and valued by your man, and that the ring and proposal will just be an extension of what you already know about his love for you. Men, you should know your woman doesn’t love you for your money but you think they deserve the moon because of how much you love them. You truly desire to give them the best ring and proposal because of your love for them. If these feelings aren’t already in place before the proposal, you might need to address them.

You say she’s materialistic, shouldn’t these things not matter? Shouldn’t it be about love? And I would argue that it still is. You see dollar signs, I see hearts. Love can be hard to identify and hard to measure. With so many articles and books on how to love your partner with quick tips and how-to’s, it can be easy to get by with your actions appearing good, while love is a foreign language to your heart. Guys, desiring love is not materialistic and if you don’t desire to give her the best out of fear she is just a gold digger, something is already wrong.

For most guys, money is their hugest resource. They value money more than most things, if not more than anything. So for a guy to spend a significant amount of money on a ring is huge! This equates to him sacrificing, him working extra hours, him going without. And the best part is when the guy doesn’t even view it as a sacrifice because he loves his girl so much that he desires nothing more than to make her feel just a little glimpse of his love for her. So for us ladies, this is what makes a big ring so valuable to us. With the exception of movie stars and pure geniuses, the majority of us are middle-class people, trying to make it work with what we have, money wise. If I was writing to the rich- this article would be completely different; money is like toilet paper to the rich. Why is it that so many rich wives leave their husbands or have affairs even though they have the biggest everything? It’s not because we all just desire material items; we want love.

When I say big proposal, I’m not necessarily meaning big and flashy; I mean big and memorable- for her! This is another opportunity for guys to show how much they love the one they wish to spend the rest of their life with. This requires another valuable resource to men- time. This will be one of the biggest days in a girl’s life, one that she will always remember. This may consist of big funds, big thoughts, big memories- whatever it takes to make this day as special as possible for her. If a guy puts little thought and little money into it, maybe his love for her is little, as well.

And here’s a tip to the guys- when you genuinely love the girl, this all comes rather easy. We aren’t all difficult as it may seem. But if you don’t love us, be prepared for us to push and pull to figure out if you can or ever will love us. When you have two people that love each other, it tends to balance out quite nicely. If not, watch out!

So who’s ready to go to Tiffany’s?;-)

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