Category Archives: God

The time I dated someone else’s spouse

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Honestly, I don’t even know if you would call it dating. I would but, in today’s culture, people don’t seem to take that as seriously as I do. I met Mark through some mutual friends. He was a few years older, mature, smart, funny, and good looking. He worked in the medical field and because of our lines of work, our paths ended up crossing over the course of about a year. While working on various projects, it was always me, Mark and two other guys. One of the other guys was around our age and engaged with 4 kids. The other guy was much older in a happy marriage. It was always us four going out and doing things- mostly work related or grabbing food. I absolutely loved our times together. They were always so fun and light-hearted. The most tedious tasks we had to do were always more exciting with them. While Mark and I did do things one on one sometimes, it wasn’t that often. So maybe, in his defense, this justified are non-relationship, relationship for him.

He’d always pay for my food when we’d go out, either one-on-one or while we were in our wolf pack. Can I be a part of a wolf pack? I don’t know but I need a nickname for the four of us so it’ll work. We’d flirt, bicker, laugh, and talk about our goals and dreams. We both had extremely busy schedules so I never really questioned the fact that we didn’t go out more than we already did. Well that and part of me didn’t want to. Honestly, while I was attracted to him and I felt like I was dating him in so many ways, I never pushed our “relationship” because I didn’t want it to go there. Why? Because I knew it wouldn’t work long term. Part of our talks were about God and he didn’t believe in God really. I think he just wasn’t sure or hadn’t really thought about it before. In some ways that did attract me to him; it wasn’t that he was against it so much as he never really knew someone that believed and loved God like I did. You know how people always say that girls never go after the good guys? Well, I think because I grew up around a lot of “church guys” and know that many of them don’t really love God as they profess, I’ve felt in the past that I’d have better luck with people that were more open to learning about Christianity and it being real for them. To me, that was more appealing than a fake Christian. I think in some ways it gives me hope. But deep down, I think part of me knew something wasn’t right. Anyone can have fun with anybody depending on what you are doing; but real love is when you can strip away all the fluff and at the core of your being can share the most important thing to you. For me, that is my relationship with God. And since God is love, He enables me to love deeper. So no matter how much fun I had with Mark, something was still missing. And I knew it. This is one of the best things I love about God. Sometimes we might not understand why God has certain rules- don’t be unequally yoked, don’t have sex before marriage, etc.- but we always understand later. And sometimes we have to learn the hard way. It’s comforting knowing that God wants what is best for me, especially when I don’t even know what that is!

So as the year was wrapping up, Mark and the guys were getting awards at the annual award ceremony. We had all agreed to go to dinner afterwards. I was excited to meet some of their families. I still remember earlier that day when we were setting up for the ceremony, the guys joking that Mark and I should just hurry up and get married because of how we interacted with each other. It was a bittersweet day as we were setting up. Our paths would no longer be crossing as often. However, it became mainly bitter later on that night. At the end of the ceremony, a pregnant woman came up and kissed Mark on the cheek. His sister, it had to be his sister. I looked down at her wedding finger- we all do this- and there was a beautiful diamond engagement ring. His engaged sister, his engaged pregnant sister. Yeah right. How could I have been so dumb, so naïve. I find myself asking that a lot lately. But I have learned from all these experiences and that’s part of the reason I started this blog. Maybe, hopefully, others can learn from my mistakes instead of having to make their own. It was soon apparent that this was Mark’s fiancé. I debated whether or not I should still go to dinner with them. However, I’m always a fan of awkward situations and not letting others control me. The guys were really encouraging me to go and I did. Mark sat across from me and his fiancé sat next to him. He was like a blank wall all throughout dinner. I can only imagine what was going on through his head. Sidenote: It really bothered me that the other two guys never mentioned his fiancé either over the course of the year AND encouraged a relationship between the two of us. Weird. Anyway, as we were leaving the restaurant, Mark tried to put his arm around me as we were at the end of the line. What?! Mark and I never spoke about the situation. There was no reason to bring it up as we both knew I wouldn’t have dated him anyway. We saw each other a few times over the course of the following years. Random texts. Part of me was sad. I knew he wasn’t happy. I knew they weren’t in love. They had a good partnership. That was apparent. To me at least. Outwardly, they looked like a great couple/family. He told me they went through a rough patch recently and almost got divorced but they were able to work through it. I’m really glad. But I’m also really sad. I hope that one day they get to experience marriage the way God intended it to be. That they fall in love with Him and with each other. I’m always hopeful. Oh, and always trust your gut instincts.

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50 notes-to-self regarding relationships

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While I have mixed feelings about checklists, these notes-to-self serve as reminders and guidelines to help me remember truths I have learned from past relationships.

  1. Avoid any physical aspect for as long as possible in a relationship; this will ensure you really like them and not just those feelings.
  2. Ask yourself if it’s him you like or just the idea of him.
  3. Try your hardest to not default to guys you know like you to feed your ego during a break-up. Use this precious time to run to God.
  4. Trust those gut feelings (Holy Spirit) and be brave enough to walk away when you know something doesn’t feel right.
  5. Be strong enough to not make excuses; brave enough to acknowledge red flags.
  6. If talking about God pulls you apart rather than bring you together, run!
  7. Be with someone that truly values and appreciates your best qualities.
  8. You shouldn’t have to talk yourself into it…
  9. Respect and trust for him will either increase or decrease- watch for this and adjust appropriately.
  10. Wait for someone who can love, support, respect, and challenge you and knows how to balance the four correctly.
  11. Love is and always will be the most important thing. You’ll be able to recognize it; he’ll either have it or he won’t.
  12. If he views it as a sacrifice, it isn’t love; love trumps all.
  13. Be with someone who doesn’t give you the option to say no to something he knows you really want/desire.
  14. It will be easy for him to give you attention in one-on-one settings; watch how he treats you when you in groups.
  15. Be with someone who loves you as Crist love the church; after God, and because of God, you will be his #1.
  16. Never be with someone who demeans, belittles, or judges you.
  17. He must have a personal relationship with Christ.
  18. He will never attempt to question your relationship with Christ or come between it.
  19. Wait for someone who is humble. Genuinely humble, not just says he is. Always desiring to learn, grow, and be better than he was yesterday- together.
  20. There is a difference between doing things out of love and out of obedience.
  21. If I don’t feel loved, I’m probably not. Excuses do get old.
  22. Be with someone who cares about my feelings, even if they aren’t always right.
  23. Wait for someone who is proud of me and who I am proud of.
  24. Be with someone who could live without me but will fight and do whatever he can to make sure he doesn’t have to.
  25. Be with someone who enjoys being with me.
  26. He will know what Ephesians 5 means.
  27. He will understand that one of the greatest things he can do for his kids will be to love their mother/his wife.
  28. Wait for someone who gets excited about God with me.
  29. He will be someone I want to submit to.
  30. Don’t rush the relationship. Wait. Watch. And enjoy. Time will tell.
  31. Can I see him being my best friend?
  32. Wait for someone that will encourage me to lead and teach and do what God is calling me to do.
  33. Don’t be with someone who is legalistic but does have strong morals, values, and convictions.
  34. The thing he will love most about me is my heart for Christ.
  35. He will love me as much as I love him because we will both have Christ’s love.
  36. He will fell like the luckiest guy in the world to have me and I will feel the same.
  37. Wait for someone that will challenge me to be better but love me no matter what; love is unconditional.
  38. Watch for someone who is proactive and offers to help and solve problems before you even realize you needed help.
  39. Never judgmental but pushes you to grow in love.
  40. Wait for the one that truly believes that you were worth the wait.
  41. Don’t let anyone abuse you- physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually.
  42. You will have fun with him no matter what you are doing.
  43. He won’t have any unhealthy bromances.
  44. Always step back and wait to see if you really like him or you are just emotionally attached; there should be definitive things you like about him.
  45. In the beginning you will see actions; in time, you will see motives.
  46. Time heals. God heals. Sometimes you’ll have to wait for God to mend your heart. Sometimes you’ll have to wait for your feelings to catch up with what you already know deep down.
  47. Wait for someone who initiates and sacrifices.
  48. A real man will use his power to love.
  49. He will value godly things above worldly accomplishments; he will understand God’s heart.
  50. I won’t have any doubts and I’ll just know.

-the virgin heartbreaker

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Why you do [NOT] have to be financially stable to get married and/or have kids

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I hear a lot, both in and out of the church, about how important it is to be financially stable before getting married or starting a family. While the definitions for ‘financially stable’ may vary, you can quickly pick up on how people feel about the subject through both verbal and non-verbal cues. When a new couple announces their engagement, my first thoughts are how well the couple knows one another, while many others immediately look to the financial side. Although being financially stable- whatever that really means- may be used as a clue into someone’s deeper character- I honestly do not think it should be a determining factor when deciding to get married or have kids. Any family can work with some effort and creativity, and most importantly, love. Call me crazy, but contrary to the popular saying of how you can’t run a family on love, I truly believe you can- and here are some reasons why:

1) You will never be (financially) ready. What does that even mean- financially ready? Is there a set amount? I always love getting my friends’ feedback on my upcoming posts. It makes me view things from a variety of perspectives. A lot of my friends said that if you wait until you feel financially ready for marriage, it will never happen. And I tend to agree. It honestly breaks my heart when I hear people say they are waiting due to financial reasons. Life is so precious and while it is important to plan and not be careless, I don’t believe in allowing money to be a determining factor. And honestly, if it is, I would question the foundation of the relationship. A guy I was dating once made a comment about a couple with three kids who were looking to have another and they weren’t doing too great financially. His tone was enough to show his disapproval. It bothered me. How do you put a price tag on a child? What it really comes down to is what are you (not) willing to give up for another child? It just makes me sad. When I think back to my childhood, the best gifts my parents ever gave me were my siblings. I wouldn’t trade them for any laptop, dance classes, vacations, or anything else we tend to spend money on while saying we can’t afford a family.

2) Love has to be enough. Why? Simply put, if not, then the relationship is dependent on whatever it is you say needs to be there. Why is it that money problems are a leading cause of divorce? Because these relationships were not founded on true love (1 Corinthians 13). They were either founded on a good business deal or partnership or infatuation/lust, but don’t call it love. That is why the “money problems” break up marriages- it was never about love to begin with. Money can serve as a complement to your marriage so you don’t have to worry or stress about certain things but it should never serve as a substitute for love. Never equate someone’s ability to provide for you to how much they love you. With real love you can make anything work. Life is full of uncertainties. What happens if one becomes disabled? One loses their job? House burns down? When you base a relationship on the financial stability level, your relationship lacks the stability it needs to survive and that is why there are so many divorces related to money problems.

3) I’d rather live in a trailer park with 5 kids with love than a fancy house with one kid feeling unloved. Life is short and real love is rare. When you find it, you better hold onto it with all you have. A guy I was dating who owned his own home once asked if I still would had agreed to go out with him if he still lived at home with his parents. This question surprised me and I was somewhat shocked. A lot of thoughts immediately ran through my head. Did he really think that mattered to me? Did he think that made him more of a man because he didn’t live at home? Were his priorities the same as mine? Did he not understand why I liked him or what attracted me to him in the first place? In some ways I was offended. But as time went on, I learned why he had thought that. For many men that is part of what they are taught equates to success and being able to take care of a woman and family. While it was nice he had thought about those things, I came to later find out he lacked the one thing I desire above all else. True love. Genuine love. While you can make choices to put others first, you can’t make yourself love if you don’t have any love to give. A person knows when they are truly loved. At least I know.

4) True love is the best motivator. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is how much we loved. While it’s certainly nice to have the latest gadgets and be debt free, these things won’t matter in the end. “He who dies with the most toys still dies.” I believe we were all called to live for something so much greater than this life. Sometimes we get so caught up planning for our future in this life that we forget to take the steps to plan for our future in the next. We don’t know how long we are here for and our time to leave could come at any moment. I see so many people my age that are miserable because they are so set on planning for the future. Don’t get so caught up on the future that you miss out on the present. One of the biggest regrets of so many old people is how much time they spent working. Enjoy today. Love. Real love comes from God and understanding of how much God loves us. “Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.” -1 John 4:8 When we truly love our spouse and our kids, anything is possible and we can make anything work. And I don’t even like to call it work because, to me, loving and being loved is such a precious gift and makes everything worth it and so much better. I can’t wait to experience that kind of love with my future husband.

-the virgin heartbreaker

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6 signs you don’t like him as much as you think you do

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So have you ever looked back at a previous relationship and realized you never really liked him as much as you thought? I think for us girls, we tend to like the idea of a guy more than the guy himself. At first, they seem so great so we embrace the relationship but time always tells; don’t get so caught up that you turn a blind eye to definite red flags. Hindsight is 20/20 but here are some clues I should have given a little more weight to in the beginning in order to avoid the heartbreak later.

1) You will tell people some of the bad stuff, but not all of it

I am notorious for this. There is a lot of good in the beginning and you are so infatuated that you don’t want to come off of that high. We tell people all of the wonderful sweet things he does like sending random texts to let us know how he is thinking about us, remembering something we liked at the mall and going back a day later to get it and surprise us with it, or something that showed us how kind and thoughtful he is. The problem with this is in the beginning we only see actions; after time we start to see the motives that are behind them. But we hold onto those actions when clues and red flags start to become visible. And we know it’s wrong which is why we can’t bring ourselves to tell others. Doesn’t the good outweigh the bad? Time will tell but it is imperative to find people that you can tell everything to and who will give an honest, objective opinion if you want to end up in a healthy, loving relationship- even if there are things you don’t necessarily want to hear.

2) You make excuses for him or try to justify his behavior

So those things that you are holding back from telling people about- you know exactly why they are doing them. And you don’t dare to tell anyone about them because they won’t understand like you do. Gag me. We are so dumb sometimes. “He had to deal with a lot in his childhood so it’s really tough for him to show how much he cares,” “he was made fun of a lot while growing up so it’s just that he is insecure.” We should win freakin awards for how creative we become at analyzing and coming up with the reasons our guys do things we know they shouldn’t. You should never have to make excuses for your guy; this will get old fast. We all have things we are working on and need to overcome. Unless your guy admits what he is working on and growing and improving, those traits are probably not going anywhere. Watch him objectively and be open to the truth. It is one thing to be understanding and seek to know your boyfriend’s perspective versus being taken advantage of and abused.

3) You aren’t free to truly be yourself around him

I am a pretty free-spirited girl. I rarely care what people think, seek to make a difference in the world, and try to enjoy life to the fullest. I am very silly by nature and love to laugh and make others laugh. I’m a dreamer and an achiever. Few things excite me more than thinking about all God has planned for my life. Because of these aspects of myself, some people have told me I am intimidating. Well unfortunately I have dated some guys that have seemed to squash the joy right out of me. I’ve felt judged so I held back. I’ve had guys ask why rather than why not. Your guy should bring out the best in you, not the worst. Never get so caught up in a relationship that you lose who you are.

4) You don’t feel that he really loves you

I believe that the most beautiful girl is one that knows how much she is loved. While I still think this happens best when you know how much God loves you, being loved by your man definitely influences your life. Christ commanded husbands to love their wives like Christ loved the church in Ephesians 5. This is not just a simple “I love you, babe.” It’s hard to write a how-to on that because love is something you either have or you don’t. Women who are loved are free to be themselves; women who aren’t start changing their behavior because they are seeking that love. It’s awful and heartbreaking to watch or go through. You start to hate him for not loving you and you start to hate who you’ve become as a result.

5) You doubt their relationship with Christ

This one is crucial. If you end up getting married, you will become one with him. Knowing they have a solid relationship with Christ is imperative, as he will be leading your home. This shouldn’t scare you because if he really knows Christ, he will also understand the importance of loving his wife. This will be comforting and not scary as you will grow in your love, trust, and respect for him. But if you don’t trust their relationship with Christ, you could be putting yourself if a very dangerous situation. Many people say they are Christians and play church very well. But watch their actions and watch for their personal relationship with Christ. “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:35

6) The thought of marrying him scares you more than the thought of breaking up with him

This one is the toughest to come to terms with but really shows where your heart is and what you know down deep. No one likes breaking up. But the harsh reality is every relationship you enter into either ends in a break-up or a marriage. Really puts things into perspective doesn’t it? Few things are worse than being stuck in a marriage with someone simply because you were lonely and just liked having someone there. Wait for the one you can’t imagine living without; the one you are willing to say no to every other guy for. Sometimes we get scared that we won’t find someone better but that should never be a reason to be with someone. God has the best for you. Don’t settle. You will know when you find him.

-the virgin heartbreaker

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The truth behind why women want BIG proposals and BIG rings

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We are not all gold diggers. I thought it would be appropriate to start with that because that is typically the first judgement that is passed on to any girl desiring the two. I would also preface this post with the fact that not all women desire big proposals, rings, and/or weddings either. My goal here is to not really talk about the material aspects but more the underlying thoughts about why women do desire these things. And what most women want deep down.

I asked my friends on Facebook what they thought about women who desire big proposals and big rings and the responses were in line with what I had expected. People automatically assume the worse. Men believe if that is all the woman cares about, he doesn’t want her. Women feel that it shouldn’t matter. And I agree it shouldn’t matter but it does. And hopefully I’ll be able to shed some light as to why it does.

Call me old fashioned but I still believe in the man proposing and providing the ring. I don’t get the whole women proposing to men thing. It’s weird. But I also believe in mutual love and this may mean the guy and the girl love and show love in different ways sometimes. There is nothing wrong with this.

I will confess that I do desire a big ring and a big proposal but not because I’m a diamond snob or want to post my proposal to youtube. Okay, maybe I do want it on youtube. But seriously, I desire these because to me it can, can being the key word, show how much a guy values me. Just another way to express his love. Certainly not the only way but that is what excites me about it. Do you remember the widow’s offering in the Bible?

And he sat down opposite the treasury and watched the people putting money into the offering box. Many rich people put in large sums. And a poor widow came and put in two small copper coins, which make a penny. And he called his disciples to him and said to them, “Truly, I say to you, this poor widow has put in more than all those who are contributing to the offering box. For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had, all she had to live on.” Mark 12:41-44 (ESV)

Big ring is relative. What matters here is how much value the guy places on the woman. What is she worth? We see the widow in the above scripture give two small copper coins and Jesus said she put in more than all those who were contributing. Why? Because she gave all she had- she didn’t count the costs. That is what women really are seeking. A $5,000 ring will mean more to a girl who’s guy had to work a year to save up for it but desired nothing but the best for his girl because she is worth it to him. Alternatively, it probably won’t mean as much to the girl who knows the guy makes that in a month, easily. There are always exceptions here but please don’t miss the point I am trying to make. Ladies, you should feel loved and valued by your man, and that the ring and proposal will just be an extension of what you already know about his love for you. Men, you should know your woman doesn’t love you for your money but you think they deserve the moon because of how much you love them. You truly desire to give them the best ring and proposal because of your love for them. If these feelings aren’t already in place before the proposal, you might need to address them.

You say she’s materialistic, shouldn’t these things not matter? Shouldn’t it be about love? And I would argue that it still is. You see dollar signs, I see hearts. Love can be hard to identify and hard to measure. With so many articles and books on how to love your partner with quick tips and how-to’s, it can be easy to get by with your actions appearing good, while love is a foreign language to your heart. Guys, desiring love is not materialistic and if you don’t desire to give her the best out of fear she is just a gold digger, something is already wrong.

For most guys, money is their hugest resource. They value money more than most things, if not more than anything. So for a guy to spend a significant amount of money on a ring is huge! This equates to him sacrificing, him working extra hours, him going without. And the best part is when the guy doesn’t even view it as a sacrifice because he loves his girl so much that he desires nothing more than to make her feel just a little glimpse of his love for her. So for us ladies, this is what makes a big ring so valuable to us. With the exception of movie stars and pure geniuses, the majority of us are middle-class people, trying to make it work with what we have, money wise. If I was writing to the rich- this article would be completely different; money is like toilet paper to the rich. Why is it that so many rich wives leave their husbands or have affairs even though they have the biggest everything? It’s not because we all just desire material items; we want love.

When I say big proposal, I’m not necessarily meaning big and flashy; I mean big and memorable- for her! This is another opportunity for guys to show how much they love the one they wish to spend the rest of their life with. This requires another valuable resource to men- time. This will be one of the biggest days in a girl’s life, one that she will always remember. This may consist of big funds, big thoughts, big memories- whatever it takes to make this day as special as possible for her. If a guy puts little thought and little money into it, maybe his love for her is little, as well.

And here’s a tip to the guys- when you genuinely love the girl, this all comes rather easy. We aren’t all difficult as it may seem. But if you don’t love us, be prepared for us to push and pull to figure out if you can or ever will love us. When you have two people that love each other, it tends to balance out quite nicely. If not, watch out!

So who’s ready to go to Tiffany’s?;-)

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6 reasons why watching ‘The Best of Me’ is the worst thing for you

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So this past weekend I went to see The Best of Me in theaters, opening night. I have always loved Nicholas Sparks’ movies and look forward to the new ones when they come out. However, I think there is a combination between movie morals declining and my spiritual maturity rising happening today. I felt like this movie was a cheapened version of The Notebook. There were so many similarities I noticed, yet different circumstances. Do not continue reading if you plan to watch the film and don’t want any spoilers. Read afterwards:)

For those who don’t plan to see it or want a brief overview before I get into my reasons, the following will be a quick summary. Dawson, the main male character, grew up in a rough environment where his dad beat him. He meets Amanda while in high school. Amanda is a pretty, popular, rich girl who becomes interested in Dawson. Of course, Dawson does not think he is good enough for her. Dawson ends up leaving his dad’s house, while an older gentleman (widow) named Tuck takes him and treats him like his own son. Through a series of events, Dawson and Amanda end up dating. On the day of prom, Dawson’s dad goes to Tuck’s house and beats him up. When Dawson realizes this, he goes over to his dad’s with a shotgun in order to scare his dad; Dawson was clearly upset by what his dad did to Tuck. During this time, Dawson’s best friend, Bobby, ends up getting shot on accident and dying. Dawson is sentenced to jail for 8 years and would not let Amanda see him because he did not want to interfere with her plans she had. She tried for a year to see him before giving up. She ended up going off to college, getting pregnant, marrying the father and staying married for 20 years to him. Tuck’s death is what brings Dawson and Amanda together and their love is rekindled, 20 or 21 years later- Dawson says 21 years, Amanda says 20 so who knows who is right lol. That’s not the whole story but it will suffice. Most love stories go the same and ignite something in us, at least with us girls- desires to be loved, adored, wanted, and needed. I do think love like this exists, it just fails to show all of the hurt and heartbreak that goes along with it when bad choices are made. Well some of the heartbreak is shown.

  1. Sex outside of marriage- pt. 1: Amanda and Dawson chose to have sex outside of marriage while they were dating in high school. Sex is such a beautiful gift and while they deeply cared for each other, they should have waited until they were married. God tells us to wait for marriage for a reason; He is not trying to withhold something great from us but wanting us to hold out for something better- more intimate, more sacred, more fulfilling. Guard your heart- and your body- save it for your spouse. Your spouse deserves all of you and will appreciate it. Are they worth it? Do you trust God?
  2. Sex outside of marriage- pt. 2: Amanda and her current husband in the story end up having sex while in college, she gets pregnant, and then they get married. Once you have sex, it’s hard to stop for multiple reasons. It’s clear Amanda continued and ended up getting pregnant and married to a guy she didn’t really love. She probably made the best choice she could given her situation. But her situation wasn’t ideal. Don’t settle. She was left in an empty loveless marriage which pushed her closer to what happened later when she saw Dawson again.
  3. Sex outside of marriage- pt 3: When Amanda and Dawson reconnected after 20 years, they end up having sex again. Amanda is still married to her current husband. Yet, because we know she isn’t happy in her marriage and we know how much Dawson loves her, we are happy she is having an affair! Do you all see how damaging this is to our minds?! To our souls?! It’s heartbreaking. She missed her chance at true love 20 years ago because she ended up doing things she shouldn’t have. She settled. It’s not to judge her but there are consequences when we try to do things on our own and disobey God. God’s plans for us are so much greater and sometimes we end up having to learn this the hard way.
  4. Anger/killing- When Dawson saw how hurt Tuck was, he was full of anger. He grabs a shotgun and heads over to his dad’s house. Now there is such thing as righteous anger and it would worry me if it didn’t bother him. But we must always keep that anger in check. Who is in control? Because at that time, Dawson wasn’t and unfortunately he ended up having to deal with killing his best friend accidentally. Simply because he couldn’t control his emotions.
  5. Divorce- After having an affair with Dawson, Amanda remembers how much she loves him. She admits how miserable she is in her marriage. We are proud of her when she finally has the courage to get a divorce. Divorce is not good but there are mixed emotions here. She would have never been in this situation had she not engaged in activities she shouldn’t have. Again, life happens and we are not perfect but I just want to encourage people to make the right choices now- to save you from all of this heartbreak that happens in the world today. Potentially a lifetime of pain.
  6. Marriage lasts beyond this lifetime- When Amanda asks how long Tuck and his wife were married before she passed away, Tuck responded with “We are still married, just on different schedules.” You could not help but aww and cry over this. I do hope one day I find a man that loves me as much as that. However, we can’t let that thought control us. It is possible to have that kind of love but we will not be married in heaven. There is no danger in having that deep of love, but the danger comes when we seek that above Christ.

I am one of the hugest fans of chick flicks. However, we need to be able to discern fantasy from reality and not mix the two. We are constantly being programmed so it’s imperative that we stick to our morals and values and not fall into the trap of compromising because it seemed so right in the movies. Sounds silly when I write it but I have seen it happen over and over again. The truth is, God already started your love story when He sent His Son Jesus to die on the cross for you. I pray you feel that love stronger than you ever have before and it gives you the strength you need to walk away from the world’s idea of a love story, and follow His.

-the virgin heartbreaker

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Tender Tinder Pt 3: Dan the Man

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At this point I was pretty much done with tinder. It was dumb. I hate the site. And I never should have went on it. I had stopped swiping, stopped chatting, it just wasn’t real. One of the last people I ended up talking to was Dan. He messaged me about knowing a mutual friend. He had said we met before but I didn’t remember him. We did end up having a few mutual friends in common and that is what we talked about. He wanted to meet for a drink right away. I didn’t really acknowledge that until we talked further. I messaged our mutual friend and asked her about him. She told me about what a great guy he was and how he treated his last girlfriend like a princess. It was then I agreed to meet him:)

I hadn’t seen our mutual friend in a while so I arranged for a double date where Dan and I could meet and hang out with our mutual friend and her husband. We all decided to meet for a late afternoon lunch because our friend had plans earlier that day. Dan and I weren’t busy earlier so he asked me if I wanted to meet up beforehand. We met up at the local downtown art festival that was happening that weekend. He was cute. And he was nice. We walked around and talked while looking at some of the art. His taste in art wasn’t the best. You can learn a lot about someone while shopping. See, shopping has multiple benefits;-). We talked about a lot of deep stuff. This is not unusual for me. Having deep conversations are one of my favorite things to do. It was nice talking to him, especially since we could relate to each other with various things we had been through.

We both were very hungry so we decided to eat downtown at the art festival. Shortly after, we left to meet our friends for food, as well. We didn’t tell them we just ate; we both just laughed as we ordered again. I think this was my first time to ever go on a double date as a first date. I always appreciate new experiences and we had such a great time; though, I was probably most excited about seeing my friend that I hadn’t seen in a while. We all parted ways after lunch and Dan made a point to tell me he had a great time. He didn’t say anything about hanging out again at the time so I went a few hours dealing with insecure thoughts. [Insert tangent here: I try to fight them but it’s hard sometimes. It makes me feel weak and I don’t like being weak. But it’s something I’ve been working on the past few years. People have always mentioned how I have been intimidating but I never understood why. Not fully at least. My close friends know I’m not. It wasn’t until one of my friends mentioned about how I always seem to have it all together and so strong; I don’t, but I’ve always made it a point to not show my struggles. That was a mistake at times. People tend to put me in my own category. I’m not real. It’s easy for Sarah because it’s Sarah. I didn’t realize that was the impression I was giving off. It’s also part of the reason I started my blog. I strive for perfection but sometimes my life is really tough. God gives me so much strength and because I don’t want to sound like a whiner, I never really talked about how tough life can be at times. It’s not exactly easy being a Christian. It’s not easy making the right decisions all the time. And it’s definitely not easy being 29 and a virgin. But it is possible. And it is more than worth it.]

Dan ended up texting me later that night about how I had piqued his interest. As we continued to talk, I think we both had similar views on relationships; we’ve both been hurt and it somewhat makes us cynical or jaded. It’s something I have learned to work through as God heals my heart each time. But it’s worth it and that’s why I keep going back. Trying. Loving. It’s a fine line between guarding your heart, yet loving and being vulnerable. I think I’m still trying to figure out where that line is exactly. But the most important thing to me at the end of the day is how much I loved. And sometimes that means getting hurt and I’d say it’s worth it. Dan’s last relationship was a long one and he had thought they were going to get married. It was obvious he was still dealing with a lot of the pain.

Dan and I ended up meeting again for dinner. This is when we got pretty deep. He was going out of town the following week and wanted me to go with him. What?! Even if I had wanted to, that would not have been a good idea. I learned my lesson from the last time I did that and will more than likely do a blog post about that experience. Dan opened up a lot about his previous relationship and it became apparent he still needed to heal from that. We still wanted to talk but the restaurant was closing so he ended up driving us to the beach nearby. I think he thought it would be romantic. It made me nervous. I always hate these parts of dates and wondering if a guy is going to try to make a move or not. Then I always feel bad not letting them while trying to explain why. Awkward. Fortunately, we continued our deep conversation and HE ended up bringing up what I normally like to talk about, but in a bad way haha. “So my brother is dating this girl and he is about to propose to her and they haven’t even kissed, isn’t that crazy?!” I don’t think he was expecting my response. I think he was hoping I’d agree and it would make him more confident about making a move. I, however, told him how I thought that was an awesome idea and was able to explain more of my views. We ended up talking a lot about God. He, like many, has been burned by people in the church and has stopped going. He isn’t ready to live for God so he won’t go. He doesn’t want to be a hypocrite and in some ways I respect that. I just wish he wouldn’t let others interfere with his relationship with God. Maybe one day.

Things weren’t the same with us after that night. We continued to text but it wasn’t the same. I struggled internally with insecurities. Why doesn’t he like me anymore? Did I say something wrong? Instead of realizing that he wasn’t the guy for me and was only looking for the type of girl I am not, I took it personally. I set out to try and make him like me again. I was trying to hold on to something that wasn’t there. That shouldn’t be there. It was all for my own vanity which I am ashamed to admit. I found myself making excuses for him left and right. It wasn’t until his party that I realized I was done. I met his parents (this always happens to me lol) and got along with them so well. Dan and I had a good time at the party, but didn’t spend too much of it together. It wasn’t until toward the end that I realized he had a girl that came with him. He never told me about this. I was just so naive. She was just a friend visiting from out of town, but it was clear there was something more. He wasn’t looking for a relationship at all. He was looking for temporary girls to fill his void until he left to go explore the world. He honestly needs to figure out who he is. I just wish he wouldn’t use girls in the process. He had told me he respected me before and that he wasn’t the guy I was looking for, I just didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to believe it. I believed in him. I thought I could change him but I realized I couldn’t. Only God can do that.

We didn’t talk after that day. We both knew. People really do come into our lives for certain seasons. Sometimes we need to hold on instead of letting go and other times we need to let go instead of holding on.

I also deleted tinder.

-the virgin heartbreaker

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Tender Tinder Pt 2: Sam and the Fam!

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Okay, so my last blog post on my first tinder experience was rather long and slightly sad. Hopefully this one will be a little more upbeat. I know what you are probably already thinking- after going through that whole ordeal with Matt, why in the world would I stay on tinder?! It’s funny. Lisa wanted to be strong like me but I wasn’t feeling very strong at this point. Maybe another guy would come along to boost my ego and make me feel like I mattered. They all couldn’t be as bad as Matt. Shortly after the Matt incident, I received a message from Sam. That’s how tinder works. Instant gratification.

Sam started off our conversation with some quirky joke that both made me laugh and found him intriguing. He was very confident in himself and approached the whole situation very differently than Matt did. Within a few messages, he assured me that he felt I was not a psycho crazy person and wanted to exchange numbers. He also gave me his Facebook information so we could become friends and I could check him out to see if he was normal. At least slightly. Like I said, very different than Matt.

Sam and I had a lot in common and were raised pretty much the same way. Our personalities clicked and we had the same unique, odd sense of humor where we could laugh at ourselves. Sam didn’t live here though. He was only visiting family which is how we were able to get matched. He was also very forward. Within a few days, he wanted to see if I wanted to go to a local theme park with him and his entire family. Is this real life? Who does that?! Sam does.

While that forwardness and intentionality normally scares me, I found myself liking it. I met Sam and his family at the hotel they were staying at near the theme park a few days later. Early. I thought we were going to eat breakfast at the hotel before heading over to the park but I was wrong. This was not a good sign seeing how important food is to me. Things kind of happened before I could ascertain what was going on. All I know is that most of his family was heading over in one vehicle, while Sam and his dad both jumped into my truck to head over. Okay. We argued on the way to the park on the best way to get there. The thing I liked best about Sam was how I felt we had been friends forever. The way we acted you would have never guessed we had just met. I like to attribute this to my superb people skills. Or we were just both pretty easy going lol.

We had an awesome day at the park. It was Sam, his parents, his grandma, his sister, and the sister’s two kids. Everyone treated me like family and was so loving and nice. I will say it was a little awkward when Sam’s sister asked how we met. How do you explain that? Awkward situation with my awkward self does not mix well. Sam and I had a great time and he always wanted to make sure we were doing what I wanted and going on the rides I wanted. Even though we were surrounded by his entire family, he made a point to make sure I was having a good time. While I don’t know his motives, it’s always nice to feel loved. I appreciated his efforts.

His family left sometime in the afternoon and we ended up staying until they closed at midnight. If you can make it through a theme park, going 16 hours strong, you might be able to make it through anything. We were able to talk, laugh, and discuss important things. Sam is somewhat shy, which helped in preventing him from making any sort of move on me. This is good because I would have had to shut.him.down. As mentioned before, I like to take things really slow. I still remember one of the rides we went on later that night. It was a sit down, movie type ride and we were the only ones on it, waiting for it to start. We were sitting toward the middle, three or so rows from the front with the entire place to ourselves. Right before it started, an older couple came in and sat right next to me- out of at least 300 seats! I couldn’t help but laugh. Any move Sam was planning to make was squashed. We still joke about this.

Notice how I said still. Sam and I are actually pretty good friends today. While we have a lot in common and have fun with each other, we are in different places in life. I also think we are on different levels and looking for different things. And that’s okay. We respect each other and agree that we aren’t right for each other. I think establishing that upfront has helped with our friendship. I think Sam and I will always be friends. He is a great guy. We both acknowledge how rare it was for us to find each other on a site like tinder and I think that helps us value each other more. Chalk one up for tinder. Check back later this week for part 3 of ‘Tender Tinder’ when I talk about the last guy I met on there.

-the virgin heartbreaker

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Tender Tinder Pt. 1: Matt… And Lisa

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I still remember laying in bed trying to fall asleep and my friend texting me, telling me I needed to download an app stat. Like right then. “It’s called Tinder and it is soooo funny.” Being a lover of most things funny, I downloaded it with little hesitation. In the process of learning about the app, I became completely adamant about not doing a dating site. She assured me that it wasn’t and was just an app where you swipe through different people. Okay, in her defense, it was hilarious. It is somewhat empowering, perhaps a tad controlling, to pick and choose what people you potentially wanted to talk to. Mind you, for those of you that do not know, you choose who you want to talk to based on four pictures and a short bio. Not. shallow. at. all.

Anyone that appeared not crazy I would swipe right to. I think it’s right. Right meant you’d be interested in them; it’s a match and you both are notified when both swiped right. I honestly swiped right on people I didn’t care for just because I was curious if they’d swipe right too. Real mature, I know. Looking back, I definitely shouldn’t have done that. I was left with matches of people I didn’t care to talk to; and it was worse when they would initiate conversation and I just wouldn’t respond. I question my judgement sometimes. I did have one rule- I would not initiate any conversation first. I know this may seem silly but it was a way to weed out some people and I have always appreciated it when guys pursue. I believe in girls letting guys know they are interested but I think we should encourage men to take on leadership roles more.

Okay, enough of the build up, let’s get to the good part. Matt. Or should I say Matt and Lisa. The conversations I had prior to talking to Matt on Tinder aren’t even worth talking about. They were “hey” and “what’s up?” nothing much more. Shallow is the word I would use to describe them. Matt was different. Matt’s very first message to me stood out from the rest. It was honest, real, and made me feel valued and appreciated; he talked about specific things he liked in my bio and was extremely respectful. Matt was the only person I talked to consistently and we would talk almost everyday; every night around 8, except for the weekends because we were both very busy. We would talk about everything from work and our past weekends to goals, values, and dreams. I felt like I was in a relationship, though only emotionally. It was safe because he was at a distance; he couldn’t hurt me… Or so I thought.

We both said we liked taking things slow and I appreciated that. There were a few bumps in the road through the course of us talking that seemed weird, now that I look back on them, that I easily excused. Maybe because I am too trusting, maybe because I didn’t want to see the truth. We became unmatched on Tinder and his entire profile was gone from me. I remember going through a whole emotional roller coaster in one day over someone I hadn’t even met in person. How dumb. It’s hard when you let someone in and become vulnerable. You give them authority and power to hurt you. Matt ended up finding me on Facebook the next day, which in itself seemed to be a miracle, since he had little knowledge on who I was and didn’t even know my last name. He sent me a message through Facebook and told me he did an update on his phone and that the Tinder app happened to get deleted. He explained how upset he was and hoped I didn’t find him contacting me on Facebook as creepy. I actually liked it. It is fun to feel pursued. We became Facebook friends and ended up moving on. We also exchanged numbers and would text throughout the week. One day I noticed that we weren’t Facebook friends anymore and the same emotional feelings of when I lost Matt on Tinder arose again. Matt ended up asking me why I deleted him on Facebook. Are you serious? He was the one that deleted me! After working through that- as in agreeing that we didn’t know what happened and getting no real answer, we both continued forward. Our whole “relationship” lasted about a month. It was when I noticed Lisa that things were turned upside down.

Matt doesn’t post much on Facebook. Like seriously, there seemed to be no difference in what I could see with being his friend on there as opposed to not. Some people are private and I respect that. However, it was when I noticed that a girl named Lisa referenced him as “babe” in a comment that I really questioned things. I clicked on her page to see who she was (seriously, I should have really pursued becoming a detective or joining the FBI with these skills, right?) and that is when I saw everything I needed; pictures of Matt and Lisa all over her profile. The weddings he told me about, the theme parks he mentioned- they were all with her. And I never even thought to ask. Never crossed my mind. I hate being involved with situations like this. Guys- in case you are wondering why girls get suspicious or feel the need to snoop through guys’ phones this is why! People like Matt. Instead of allowing Matt to hurt me or have a negative effect on me in future dealings with guys, I did the best I could to learn from it and be more cautious of who I talk to.

Matt and I were in the middle of a deep conversation via text (that is what I liked most about him) when I just came out and wrote- “How long has it been since your last relationship?” That is when he started to tell me everything. About how he had been trying to get out of a relationship for the past 4 months. And how I needed to hear him out. About how it looked a lot worse than it is. It was all too much to handle at that time. I was leaving to see my dad for the weekend the next day and because I do give people the benefit of the doubt, I agreed to talk to him on my way back, a few days later via phone. This would be the one and only time I would talk to him over the phone.

In the middle of my trip, I noticed that Lisa started following me on Instagram. That is when I realized I was in the middle of something I never thought I would be in. Matt and I talked for a couple hours on my way home. I told him about how I was feeling and how I didn’t really trust him anymore. Matt had an answer for everything. It was hard not to believe him. He explained how he met her over the past weekend and ended things again. My mind at this point was how in the world do you try to break up with someone for 4 months- and how is it different this time?! He went on to say how he had blocked her from everything and even sent me screenshots of previous texts that showed how he had tried to end it but she always wanted another chance. He gave me so much evidence and proof- it was hard not to believe that she was genuinely crazy. I told him that we would see how things go and I just observed and watched for the following days. I prayed a lot.

There was a lot of truth in what Matt told me as I would soon be contacted by his now ex-girlfriend within a couple of days. I received one of the meanest letters I have ever gotten via Facebook explaining what a horrible person I was from Lisa. It was clear she was hurt. And my heart broke. So many people told me not to write her back but I couldn’t help but to think about what I would have wanted if I had been in her shoes. She felt so lost. So hurt. So betrayed. So broken. Throughout everything, I learned she had been the one that deleted his Tinder app. She deleted me off of his Facebook. She had known about me from the beginning and here she was losing the love of her life because of me in her eyes. I honestly didn’t know who to believe or who was crazy between Matt and Lisa, maybe they both were.

I ended up telling Matt that this was too much for me. And I didn’t trust him anymore anyway. I sent some messages back and forth with Lisa, and as I started to piece things together with her she started to hate me less and less. She didn’t want to believe me and I understand that. She was shocked by the things he said about her and what he did. I started to question why God had allowed this situation to happen, one where there would be so much hurt and betrayal. I began to look at it as though maybe I could help Lisa in some way. I wanted to empower her, I wanted to give her strength. Instead of labeling her as crazy because of her actions, I began to see her actions as results of someone who had been abused, verbally and emotionally. Matt led her to believe he cared about, even while he was breaking up with her. That is why when I told him I could’t continue to talk to him anymore, he went right back to her. Her last words to me were “I wish I was as strong as you.” I still pray for them, for both of them. It’s easy to look and wonder how someone could go back to someone like that, after she has seen all he has done. But she loved him. And she was so scared. It’s frightening to leave what you have in hopes for something more. But sometimes you have to leave in order to obtain something better. I pray she has the strength to do that someday.

-the virgin heartbreaker

*names have been changed.

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Weekend Wrap Up- Singular group, Double Date, & Couple’s Game Night

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This past week/weekend brought about a lot of interesting and new experiences for me- some better than others. You can take that as you will. I always look forward to the weekend, especially since mine always consists of three days instead of two;-). Anyway, in case you find my life as exciting as I do continue reading- if nothing else, you can have a few laughs at my expense☺.

Singular Group
Take one guess on what you think this group means? I’ve been going to my church for some time now but I haven’t gotten too involved for various reasons, mainly due to time constraints. My brother was told about this group to try out on Thursday nights and I figured I would try it out too. The only thing I knew about the group was that it was for people who were not married and the worst part was the “all ages welcomed” that was included in the description. My immediate concern was that there will be older than me people there looking for a spouse instead of people my age looking for fellowship. That always freaks me out for some reason. I think church is a great place to meet your spouse or by being involved with church activities but I guess I don’t like it when groups are designed for that. It is just weird to me, something unnatural. I mean I think we should all do are part and not sit at home and expect God to just send our spouse knocking on our front door but I think those groups can lead themselves to put a lot of pressure or awkwardness on people. Along the lines of my previous post about hating the word “date.” Maybe I’m just weird- that is a strong possibility too.

So my brother and I show up at this group about 30 minutes early and I told him that we would watch from the car so we could see who was going in first and scope it out. Is that wrong? There were literally no cars for about 15 minutes but at least we had good conversation about our worst nightmares coming true once we went to the group. I had originally planned to go in 10-15 minutes early but with the way things were looking, I was about to propose we go to dinner instead. It was at about 5 minutes to when it was supposed to start and a car pulls up. I guess a woman in her 40’s would soon emerge from the vehicle, my brother guesses a man in his early 30’s. As soon as their car door opens, we both start laughing. I was right. We wait a few minutes and no one shows up. My brother convinces me to walk over and at least look to see if others are there. We do. We peak in the window and it’s just the woman sitting at a table by herself. I know you might think I’m childish but I call my mom to vent about my hesitation and how this is a waste of time. She calms me down and explains how I should give it a chance. We end up going in and making conversation. More people eventually show up. And there was dinner. Food always makes me happy. The “woman in her 40’s” was actually younger; everyone who ended up showing up was around my age. It really wasn’t that bad and I appreciated the opportunity to meet others. I might even go back:).

Double Date
Friday night I went on a double date with my boyfriend, one of his friends, and his friend’s wife. I haven’t really gone on many of these types of dates in the past, usually because I never really had a date. I was normally the third wheel with my best friend and her husband, even before they were married. As I’ve matured (not sure if this is really true), I would normally find a guy to bring along so it would be more balanced out but it ended up just being more awkward honestly. But this double date was actually fun.

We met them for dinner and I devoured my meal. Just something about chicken and mac n’ cheese that does that to me lol. Afterwards we went to play putt putt and I can be a little competitive when it comes to games, actually probably anything in life. My boyfriend and I made a bet to see who would win.; bets always add a little excitement to it. He is a little competitive too and can be pretty ruthless. I had to win though, mainly because I couldn’t lose. If I won, I get to pick anything from the mall but if he won, I’d have to watch a sci-fi movie. Now you see why I couldn’t let him win. Worst movies ever. I guess that’s what happens when you date a dork, or as he likes to be called- a geek. One the first hole, he got a hole in one. I was ready to go home after that. But I persevered and guess who ended up winning?! I really do thrive under pressure. How else would I have made it this fall in grad school?!;-) My boyfriend ended up coming in last. Hopefully he doesn’t get mad about me posting that. Regardless, double dates can be lots of fun!

Couple’s Night
Saturday night my boyfriend’s parents hosted a couple’s game night. It was guys versus girls and I already had been talking smack. There were about 8-9 couples there who were married; we were the only couple who wasn’t lol. Most of them were older and I actually loved that! I think sometimes younger people tend to hang out with only those of their similar age, but I have learned so much from those that are older than me. They have so much wisdom and life lessons and I always appreciate the opportunity to interact with them, as well as seeing their beautiful marriages.

Anyway, we ended up playing two games- pictionary and taboo. The girls ended up winning by a landslide in pictionary! I wish I had taken pictures of some of the drawings though. We were laughing a lot. Taboo used to be one of my favorite games but is also super tough when you can’t say certain words. One of my favorite parts is buzzing your partner when they mess up and say a word they aren’t supposed to. Unfortunately, my boyfriend is pretty good at following directions so I wasn’t able to buzz him. The guys ended up winning that game but I think the score got messed up;-).

I had a lot of fun this weekend but after writing all of that, it seems a little boring and dull. Maybe that is why most tv shows and movies are filled with affairs and other bad decisions. It some ways they appear exciting and/or make up feel better about our lives. But we don’t have to live with the consequences of those choices in the movies. My life is pretty exciting, fulfilling, and normal. Okay maybe not normal but close. This journey is about growing and learning to love deeper. Hope you all had a fabulous weekend and a terrific Monday!

-thevirginheartbreaker

P.S. Here is the putt putt scorecard for any doubters. My boyfriend took score and he is the first one listed, I am the second:)

scorecard

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