And this is why you date

Posted on June 9, 2015 by thevirginheartbreaker

This is what Regina said to me at work today. It’s still hard to wrap my brain around, so fresh, so new, and I’m still hurting. I’m crying as I type this; I never used to cry when I was younger, but I guess that is what God does to you. He shakes your entire being; He shows what it means to truly love, to truly feel. I couldn’t get past the conversation I had with Tom last Thursday night. Through discussing charity drives and stem cell research, to who should die when giving childbirth if you had to choose- the mom or the child. Tom said the mom. Matter of fact, without missing a beat. Of course he would. He has everything calculated, logically planned according to his brain, and influenced by many “smart good christians.” Something in my spirit didn’t feel right when I read those words he typed to me. “Emotionally save the wife, spiritually save the child.” What does that even mean? I didn’t want to talk about it anymore because honestly I didn’t know. The area is so gray and I would have to hear from God. I would probably choose the kid, but does that mean my husband should choose to let me die, as well? Something just didn’t feel right. It wasn’t so much him wanting to save the kid as it was the lack of feelings, emotions, and love I read in his robotic responses. He apologized for bringing up something so deep a month into our relationship but did say it was something I need to think about. Thanks, Tom.

I chose to move on and acted normal the next day; it was his birthday. We had a good time and a good Bible study. I sometimes wonder if we are on the same page or not. Our conversation about him choosing to kill me over the kid (he doesn’t like that wording but that is really what it is whether you want to be technical about it or not) weighed on me all weekend as I went to see my dad. Of course I talked about how great Tom was and all of his good qualities. Many of his actions I still do respect; his heart is another story. Tom and I didn’t talk about it any further. Yesterday (Monday) at work was awful. All I could think about was our conversation. How can I continue to joke, engage, and love (I didn’t use this word with Tom, but it is so easy for me to love and I know I loved him) someone and still think you may want to marry them when you don’t know if they are capable of loving? This is the greatest commandment and yet his love for his wife wasn’t mentioned once. I don’t get it.

So I had to say something. I always say something sooner or later. We went back and forth on messaging for hours. I know in person might have been better but I couldn’t wait. I also like to think about what he said and think about what I want to say. I never like to say anything in haste or full of fleshly emotions. I need time. Time to digest. Time to hear God. The conversation was not good. He was so set that he could not see nor understand where I was coming from. I felt as though he thought I was a horrible person because “what kind of person would kill their child?” and went as far to basically say I believe in late-term abortion. He accused me of being set in my ways just as much or more but my ways were I don’t know, it’s gray, and I would have to hear God. I don’t see what is wrong with that? He believes it is black and white and just the same as killing an innocent child out on the street. What?! I felt like I was talking to a wall. It was so draining. I’m scared. I don’t think this is something we can work through. You can’t make someone love. I’ve never really been in a situation like this. Someone so perfect yet so absent of feelings. Granted, I hope to never be in this situation but it showed me a lot about his character. As consistent and high as his morals and values are, without love, you are nothing. Dating allows you to see whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with that person and it also affords you the freedom to break it off if not.

I could be the perfect girl and still not be good enough because I’m not her

Posted on May 17, 2015 by thevirginheartbreaker

While I want to be mad at you, I’m really mad at myself right now. One, for letting this go on longer than it should have. But more so, for letting my pride and vanity get in the way of something much more important. You see, I should have known early on when you would mention your ex way too much. But I’m sort of naïve when it comes to this I suppose. I mean why would you be talking to me if you were in love with someone else? But you did. And you continued to. As I look back it was never about seeing if I actually liked you but seeing if I could get you to fall for me because I didn’t want to accept the fact that someone could be better than me. How noble was I?

Maybe I deserved the way you treated me then because can I honestly say I was any better? But the way you made me feel- it’s like an abused victim who keeps going back for more beatings. I had hoped you’d change. That one day I would be pretty enough. One day I would be smart enough. One day, maybe you would think I was good enough. It took awhile but I realized that day was never going to happen. I read a quote on Instagram from @thegoodquote and it hit me like a ton of bricks:

“At your absolute best, you still won’t be good enough for the wrong person. At your worst, you’ll still be worth it to the right person.”

And it was at that point I realized I was done trying. I’ve never had someone make me feel so bad about myself in my entire life, yet you do it under the guise of “I really do like you, Sarah.” What?! I’m not sure if I should feel bad about being treated so horribly or bad for you since you think there’s nothing wrong.

So what exactly makes them the wrong person? Why can’t they be the right one? Why is it then that some of these guys can’t seem to get over that one girl? I’ve still struggled with this. And so has my vanity and pride. Why am I not good enough? What makes her better than me? But you see, many of these stories involve “the one that got away” aka the one that rejected him. The one where he thinks he could have had something great but he messed it up and now is left wondering. And therein lies the root of the problem if we really face it dead on.

The truth is I know how the guys in my life treated their exes and I don’t think it was ever true love. They miss how that girl made them feel and their own pride and vanity was hurt when she left for whatever reason. He was in love with the idea of her and what she represented. Remembering the good, forgetting the bad. I hate to say this but I’d be hard pressed to find a girl that would leave a guy who was truly in love with her. I’m not talking about lust here. Not talking about like or obsession either. True love, in love. A girl knows when she is truly loved and it’s rare to find a girl who would leave that.

I heard a quote once that I enjoyed- “men are like taxi drivers- when they are available, the light goes on.” There is so much truth in that statement. It has nothing to do with you because they don’t even see you yet. You could be the perfect girl but if the guy isn’t (emotionally) available he won’t see it. And he isn’t available because he’s distracted and dependent on that feeling again. He’s obsessed with it. But we won’t call it love. Because if he was really still in love with her he wouldn’t be talking to me. And he wouldn’t be talking to you. No, what he is missing is the love and attention that he was used to and until he gets over himself he’ll never be able to get over “her.” And be careful because you may be next. Remember when he comes crawling back or attempts to chase you this time, it won’t be about you either. It’ll be about him and the way you made him feel and the cycle continues yet again.

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I want a guy who is willing to fight for me but will never have to

Posted on April 26, 2015 by thevirginheartbreaker

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Trying to work through my feelings and I think I finally have. I’ve always wanted a guy who was willing to fight for me and up until recently I wanted a guy who WOULD actually fight for me… until I started to think about what the implications of that would mean and questioning my own views on fighting for someone.

I’ve been real conflicted about this because I want a guy to fight for me but at the same time, I wouldn’t want to be with a guy who didn’t want to be with me. So why would I fight for him? Is that fair for me to expect a guy to fight for me if I’m not willing to do the same? Does that make sense? I’ve never said it out loud but I’ve thought numerous times as I’ve seen my relationships with guys fall a part. Why won’t you fight for me? If you really wanted me, thought I was valuable, you’d fight. But you never did. And as I look back now, I’m glad those guys never fought for me because that would not have solved our issues of why we were ending things in the first place. Of course we want to feel loved and it would have felt great for the time being but it wouldn’t have lasted. Maybe I’m wrong but if one person is already pulling away doesn’t that mean there is something about the relationship they don’t like? I know there has to be exceptions to this as I have seen men pursue and fight for women and are now in loving relationships. I don’t think I’ve seen any relationships where the woman fought for the man. Well actually I have- but if I’m honest they tend to be jealous of other women and don’t have the highest respect for their husband. Can you really feel loved knowing that at some point your husband didn’t want you? I don’t know.

I do think there is a difference between men and women’s roles. All throughout the Bible we see references of men pursuing women. Shoot, Jacob worked 14 years for Rachel! Talk about perseverance. And the women made themselves available. Proverbs 18:22 “He who finds a wife finds a good thing.” Men are the leaders throughout the Bible and I don’t think it would change for the sake of pursuing a woman. I believe that is still the man’s role. I think it’s a lot more important for women to feel loved (pursued, fought for) because it’s the one commandment Christ calls the husbands to do- love your wives. And wives submit to your husbands. When a woman feels loved, it’s so easy to submit. But when she doesn’t, it’s one of the hardest things in the world. Men desire respect. Women desire love.

Would I love for my guy to fight for me? Absolutely. But what I want more is for him to never question my love for him. To never feel that I’m not all in. To never feel that I’ve given up. So yes, I want a guy who is willing to fight for me, but I hope he never has to.

photo credit: Cute exotic couple happily enjoying via photopin (license)

Thank you for making me a part of your life but you never became a part of mine

Posted on April 8, 2015 by thevirginheartbreaker

Do you ever wonder why things never worked out with us? We looked so perfect on the outside but on the inside? Not so much. I’m really not sure how to write this. I feel as though I should feel grateful but I don’t. I always hear how it’s such a huge deal in women’s lives when the guy they are seeing wants you to “meet the parents” as if it symbolizes something special, the next step, or that he ‘like likes’ you. When you meet the family, that’s saying something. At least most of the time. But it’s what I’m used to so maybe I don’t see it as all that big of a deal. I do but I don’t. I don’t think I’ve ever dated a guy where I haven’t met the parents. Shoot, some first dates I met the whole family!

I guess you could say I’ve been fortunate to date guys who have been so quick to welcome me in. I think it has something to do with being a virgin. A lot to do with my faith, morals, and values. And some to do with my crazy personality. When you live your life the way I do- you’re the one they always want to take home to meet the parents because you’re that “good girl.” It doesn’t mean you’re in love though.

You loved me (to an extent- I’ll get back to this later) and were quick to make me a part of your life. I liked it. It made me feel special and valuable. It made me feel you wanted me around and you wanted us to work. I always supported you, was quick to become part of your family, and loved meeting the people that mattered most to you. But something was always wrong and I think I’m finally starting to see what it was.

While you’d been quick to show me off and make me a part of your family, you never wanted to be a part of mine. Can we really call that love? It’s hidden behind “I just wanted to make you feel welcome” and “You mean so much to me that I want you to know everything about me” when in actuality it’s “This is what I’m doing so you either come aboard or not.” What happened to the ‘we’? We become one; I don’t become yours. Did you see this? Did you stop to think how I felt? What you were indirectly asking me to leave- to give up? This can’t be what a healthy relationship is all about. I’ve seen better. And I’ll wait for better.

Maybe I’m to blame for part of it. I still see meeting the family as a huge deal. I don’t want any attachments being formed only for us to realize we aren’t right for each other. No sense in hurting more people than we have to. Or maybe I just don’t want you to meet my parents because I already know they’ll say you aren’t good enough for me. Maybe you aren’t. You aren’t if you don’t want to be a part of my life. If you don’t make an effort to break through. Because the truth is you really didn’t love me as much as you thought you did. You didn’t really want it that bad. I was just a good catch that you could bring home to mom.

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My ex just married his ex

Posted on March 5, 2015 by thevirginheartbreaker

So I was scrolling through my newsfeed the other day and I noticed that my ex –boyfriend just married his ex-girlfriend. Yep, you heard me right. A flood of thoughts immediately ran through my mind as I recalled everything he had told me while we were dating. Another example of when I trusted a guy over my gut. Never trust a guy over your gut. Always trust your gut instincts. They are there for a reason.

It’s kind of weird and I’m not really sure if there is a “right” feeling. Our relationship was never that serious, mainly because it was never given the chance to be that way. Looking back, it was just another relationship God protected me from in spite of my naïve ways. While I hate to admit this, I spent more time trying to figure out why he didn’t like me rather than seeing if I even liked him. I didn’t. But what mattered at the time was my vanity and ego. I hate when I get like that. If anything now, I feel bad for his wife. And I feel bad for him.

Mark and I first met at a wedding. We had a lot of mutual friends in common and he actually knew my date (I was my friend’s date- strictly platonic mind you;-). We talked a little and he seemed cool. A little shy and quirky which depending on the guy, I either find annoying or cute- your guess is as good as mine. Good luck. After the wedding, Mark and I would run into each other at random times. It’s one of the perks of living in a small town. We would flirt and it was fun. Mainly innocent as I really didn’t know much about him. But he intrigued me. He was unpredictably predictable and I liked that about him. He was a very structured, responsible guy and then he would also do something to throw me off. I guess I tend to be the same way so I appreciated it. It kept things exciting. One of the times we ran into each other, he just randomly asked me what I was doing and suggested we go get some food and drinks. Right then and there. I’m not sure if I had anything going on or not but I told him I was down. I like to try and act laid back even if I’m not- fake it until you make it right? I’m so awkward sometimes haha.

He was such a gentleman. Old fashioned and chivalrous. Sigh, my weakness. I got up to use the restroom and when I came back he had already paid the bill. I don’t care how much a feminist you are, I’ve yet to meet a girl who doesn’t like to be taken care of even if she can take care of herself. Plus it’s easier for me to respect a guy who can take charge and get stuff done. If you can handle me, you’re a rarity;-).

We went out a few more times and would text. Nothing too heavy, not too light. Well, maybe too light as I look back on it. I normally don’t post about my dates on Facebook but we were going to a concert that I was super excited about and of course I wanted to brag. This was what got me in trouble and this was also what saved me. I updated my status and tagged him in it. Is that wrong to do? Apparently. Actually not really. He seemed fine with it at the time but then he started to pull away some. This always bothers me- communicate people! Maybe this is a fault of mine- I don’t know but I wanted to know what happened. I wanted some answers. So I pushed.

I just looked through our old messages and I must say I am the epitome of John Mayer’s lyric “it’s better to say too much than to never say what you need to say.” Story.of.my.life. I wonder what I am thinking sometimes when I send messages. No, I know what I’m thinking- I’m thinking exactly what I write and that’s what gets me in trouble sometimes. Mark was being evasive and I wanted to know why. I had suspicions that he had a girlfriend but he had told me he didn’t. I always trust people until they give me a reason not to and even though I’ve been burned by this numerous times, I still think it’s a good principle to live by. The right one will deserve my trust and I don’t want to give him anything less.

Mark and I did end up meeting again but I never got the answers I was looking for. He shied away from my direct questions but I already knew even if I didn’t want to face it at the time. The girl Mark had been seeing prior to us dating starting posting stuff of the two of them. I would notice him on my newsfeed every now and then as their relationship progressed to “FBO”, to engaged, to now married. Mark and I would talk off and on via text and still ran into each other. I’d try to ask nonchalant questions about his relationship but those were the only questions he avoided. Part of me just wanted him to admit it but he didn’t until he got engaged. I sent him a text saying congratulations and asked if it was to the girl he had dated prior to me. He said it was. Finally. He knew. And I knew but at that time I didn’t really care anymore. I’m really proud of myself sometimes. I’ve been treated pretty badly but I always still love the person for some reason. You can’t make yourself love- you either have it or you don’t. I don’t allow myself to be taken advantage of but I was there for him when his dad wasn’t doing well, when he needed advice on certain things, and needed help professionally. I was always there and I really didn’t care. I was happy to help, to make a difference, and show him what love was. It makes me think of that scripture:

“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” -Luke 6:32-36

And you know what boggles my mind the most? After all of this, the two things I don’t understand and probably never will is why he went back to her and why she accepted him back. Mutual friends once told me how he had talked about her and how he didn’t love her but it was just comfortable and easy for him. Why would you marry someone you don’t love? And her- why do girls go back to a guy if they have already been rejected? One of the best things about being in a relationship is being loved. If you don’t want me, you are no longer attractive to me- does that make sense or am I the only one that thinks this way? The last thing I want to do is convince someone to be with me. I do wish them the best. I hope they both fall madly in love with each other. I hope they grow to be more than partners and a good arrangement. There is so much more depth to a relationship I desire and I know I won’t settle until I find it even if it’s not important to the rest of the world.

photo credit: Picture Me Married Photography – Ashley Palmero – Ring Shot via photopin (license)

My best worst date ever

Posted on January 7, 2015 by thevirginheartbreaker

I’m not sure why I’m starting out the new year with this type of post but here goes lol. I have had some pretty interesting dates over my manyyy years of dating- okay okay, I’m not that old people! But they were talking about worst dates on the radio the other day and I was talking to some of my friends on Facebook about our experiences and there are some weird stories out there! Mine was not that bad. Okay, maybe it was. Here it is, in three parts. Yes, three.

The first date:
I still remember talking to a couple of my girlfriends about all of our current guy situations. Yep, it’s true- guys dominate a lot of our conversations. One of my friends had recently went out with this guy and was telling us all about her “fun” experience. She described this guy as maybe too religious and then thought of me. I’m not sure if I should have been offended by that or not lol. Even though her date was bad, I was single and thought why not give him a try. At the very least I’d have a good story and boy do I. Standards, Sarah, standards.

Nick and I decided to meet at a central location to both of us at a local bookstore. We met around 7 and would decide what to do from there. From the minute Nick and I met, he wanted to know what our mutual friends had said about him (as in my friend that went out with him.) I’m typically a pretty patient person when it comes to that, but I finally had to tell him to stop caring about what other people think about him. It was so annoying to say the least. But it gets better. He asked what we should do. Sidenote- I like a guy that plans and comes up with ideas so I might have already started thinking less of him and judging at this point. My bad. I suggested we go eat because it’s dinnertime and I’m starving. Nope, he just ate. Wow, thanks. I suggest the mall, which was right across the street. Nope, too many people. Alright. I suggest the beach and pier, which was about 10 minutes away. Nope, too far. At this point I was already giving up. He suggested the park that was right across the street. I said fine but I was going to drive through Steak n’ Shake first because I was starving and meet him there. I did- with a burger, fries, and milkshake in hand. We talked. I ate. It was okay. Mostly dull. Mostly about him. It was fascinating. I didn’t know there were people out there who were really this self-absorbed. We got kicked out of the park because they were closing and went across the street to another park and continued to walk and talk. We did have some good conversation and he is a nice guy, there was just nothing there. I didn’t think we’d go out again but we did. You could say I’m a glutton for punishment.

Date two:
So you’re probably wondering why in the world I would go out with Nick again. Yea, I still don’t know either. We would text on and off after our first date and we had made a silly bet over politics and he won. Loser was supposed to take the other to dinner. We agreed on a place to go which was his idea- central location yet again. While walking up to the restaurant, he asked me if the place was good. I told him that I didn’t know because I had never been there. He then proceeded to ask me why I picked the place and I told him that I didn’t. He said I did. We argued in the parking lot about this. Real mature, I know. Turns out I was right and he misread my text. He still owes me a movie for being wrong. Since we were at an outdoor mall with several restaurants around, we decided to walk somewhere else. On our walk, he told me not to worry, that he would pay for his half of the check. Uhh thanks? Maybe I’m a little old fashioned but seriously. Am I wrong for thinking he should have still paid? Maybe I’m spoiled. I don’t know. I wish I could say it got better.

We went to a pizza place and both got water. He asked if I wanted to share a pizza and I said sure. He wanted to know what I wanted on it and I told him I didn’t care- whatever he wanted was fine. I just wanted garlic knots. We ate and we fought. Maybe it was my fault because I love talking about taboo topics such as religion, politics, and sex. He zoned out once during dinner and told me how he felt bad for fat people. That was weird. One time he told me not to interrupt him and let him finish talking. Wow. And just so we are clear, I am a pretty passionate person, but always respectful so that definitely blind-sided me.

Dinner was great- as in the food. We had to get a to go box for the rest of the pizza; I actually only ate one slice because I filled up on garlic knots. I took two additional slices to go and Nick took a total of five. I’m mentioning this for a reason. When the check came, Nick looked at it for awhile and then asked how we should split it. Mind you, there are only two items on it- our pizza and the garlic knots (which he ate too). I knew what he was thinking- he didn’t want to pay for the garlic knots since I ordered them. His face said it all. I said we could split it down the middle. He paused for a second and then agreed. Such a charmer.

We ended up walking around to different shops- he needed a beanie. This guy is so vain. He is good looking but oh my gosh, he thinks he is the best thing since slice bread. We go into Old Navy and see a family taking photos with the mannequins and I could tell he wanted one but was kind of shy. I offered to take it for him. Most people would take a picture with each other; my date wanted one with a mannequin. He then tried on several beanies and asked me how each one looked. They all look the same! Ahh. He finally decides and we continue to walk. I did want to stop into Claire’s for a second to see if they had any phone cases, don’t judge me. We were in the store for no more than a minute when I noticed Nick wasn’t in the store anymore. I go to look for him and he is outside wandering. I asked him what he was doing and he thought I said I was ready to go. Wow. Okay then.

We end up walking back to our trucks and I hug him, say thanks, and tell him I had a good time. As I start walking back to my truck he made a big mistake; he asks me if I meant that. Did I really have a good time? He shouldn’t have asked that. I had to be honest. We end up talking for over an hour in the parking lot. It was actually the best part of all of our interactions. We got to talk about some pretty deep stuff. Long story short, I just didn’t think he was ready to date yet. Obviously I care about him and this was all in good fun. I never have met someone I didn’t care about. And not everyone we go out with is going to be the person we marry. That’s okay. To quote Madea- some people come into your life for a lifetime, others for a season. For whatever reason, Nick and I met.

Third times a charm:
Nick contacted me not too long ago and we decided we should catch up. We met at a restaurant and he actually paid for my food and drink with no hesitation. Maybe my talk with him actually did work;-) But he’s moved on- to cougars and pretty women. I love catching up with him and I’d like to think we’ll always be friends. Maybe not after he reads this post though. Oops!

Rebounding is not always such a bad idea

Posted on December 23, 2014 by thevirginheartbreaker

I’d like to preface this with what I would hope to be common knowledge given the title of my blog but just in case- I do not mean rebounding in any physical manner. However, I do believe rebounding in other ways may prove to be very beneficial and healthy.

Going through break-ups are rough. Unless you decide to not have a heart and cut off all emotions (which I have seen before) you will experience pain and heartbreak when you go through a break-up. While I have not done any studies on it, I do think that you experience more pain with the ones you cared about the most, the ones you allowed inside your heart. It’s so crappy when it happens because part of you never wants to experience that hurt again but at the same time it’s rewarding because even after all the pain, at least you can feel and have the capacity to love. To me that’s everything.

Nothing is a substitute for time after a break-up. However, it is what you do during the time after a break-up that affects your healing process most. I think we all deal with it in unique and different ways. I’m a huge fan of closure and for me, I sometimes put myself through more pain because it helps me to truly get over someone and have no regrets. While my healing process may be different than yours, I don’t think it’s really all that unique. I question the relationship- if I could have or should have done anything different. Was it my fault things ended- were my expectations too high? I remember the good times. I stalk social media pages and wonder if they are missing what we had. Because truthfully, while we may miss each other I think what we miss the most is feeling loved. I tend to close myself off to anyone else because I know I am vulnerable and just want to feel loved again. So I don’t look for anyone else for awhile, I won’t open myself up until I feel completely healed.

It sounds good in theory but what happens during that time of healing? We don’t go out and we don’t allow anyone in. That forces us to only think about that one person we had. So in hopes of feeling loved, we try to convince ourselves our ex wasn’t that bad because we don’t want to be alone. This is why you see so many people go back to their exes, back into bad relationships. This is why people settle. And it’s so scary because I’ve been there so many times.

I went through a break up not too long ago and I am now currently talking to a guy that recently got out of a relationship, as well. My old self would have said this is a recipe for disaster. “Don’t talk to me, I need to be alone for a long time” would be my response. But this guy is fun and honest and real. We are able to talk and communicate about what is going on inside of us. I have a feeling we will always be friends no matter where our paths may take us. We think a lot alike and have very similar interests. It’s a different feeling than I am used to and I like it. I am so glad I met him and that we came into each other’s lives. I’ve already learned so much more about myself because of him. When you don’t see anyone else, you naturally think it won’t get any better than what you had. He reminds me what it is I really want when I had forgotten in my previous relationships. He gives me hope. Likewise, he was hanging onto the thought of hopefully getting back with his ex because that’s all he knew, all he saw. Meeting me has reminded him of what he is really looking for, things he didn’t think were out there. It’s crazy how in some ways we came into each other’s lives to renew our hope. Some may call it rebounding and that’s okay with me. But this kind of rebounding shouldn’t have a negative connotation. We aren’t using each other. We’ve set boundaries. We like each other and we appreciate each other. It gave us fresh eyes to move forward and to move on.

I sometimes wonder if we hadn’t come into each other’s lives if we would still be hurting or wishing for something in the past because we saw no future. Society tells us it’s wrong to rebound and not fair to the other person. And I would agree, especially if you are using someone just to feel better about yourself. But I don’t think there is anything wrong with putting yourself out there in order to heal and do what you need to do. I still am a firm believer in self-reflection and alone time. Don’t rush into something just because you are lonely, but don’t close yourself off just because you’re scared. There is so much hope out there, so much love. Give yourself another chance. You left that person for a reason and God has that perfect one for you out there. Go explore and never settle.

photo credit: Keoni Cabral via photopin cc

There is no such thing as right person, wrong time

Posted on December 19, 2014 by thevirginheartbreaker

Seriously. I’ve heard this numerous times and I just read an article entitled something along the lines of “The joys and pains of meeting the right person at the wrong time.” Umm what?! I’m sorry, but do you realize how rare it is to find the/a right person? And let’s be honest for a second, maybe it’s just me, but if I found what I thought was the right person, I don’t see how or why the “wrong time” would have to stop us from being together. So what do these “wrong times” really mean?

The “I just got out of a relationship and need to be single for awhile” excuse. I’ll let you in on a little secret- 99% of the time this line is used as a nice way to reject someone. The other 1% actually recognizes what is going on inside them and hopefully expresses it well enough to let the other person know they can still enjoy a friendship with one another. Besides, starting out as friends is always a plus. The right one will be patient. So tell me how this was really the right person at the wrong time again?
The “I just think we are headed in different directions” excuse. Basically, something else is more important to me right now and this relationship is not worth it. You are a great person but more than likely not the one I’m supposed to be with so I’m okay with letting you go. Love always finds a way and if I really thought you were the right person, I’d find a way to be together, while still pursuing my dreams. It’s not rocket science, but it does require two people who both feel the other is the right person for them.
The “I’m just too young and don’t know who I am yet” excuse. Legit excuse. However, who says you can’t figure out life with the right person? If anything, I think the right person would be a complement to you and would only help to strengthen and encourage you. But then again, we often get this confused with the wrong person who we like but something deep down in our gut tells us something is wrong. Therefore, this wonderful excuse was born.
The “We live in two different places” excuse. While I understand this is a hard one, I firmly believe it’s doable. After realizing how rare it is to find someone you actually like and could see yourself being with for the rest of your life, I honestly believe that with the right person, you can make anything work. This might include giving up on something that is not that important to, compromising, or managing a long distance relationship for a certain period of time. I think we forget that one of the greatest things about being in a healthy relationship is having someone that loves you no matter what and encourages you to achieve all the dreams God placed in your heart. The wrong one will not understand this and have a cookie-cutter life planned out and run the minute things don’t go according to plan.
The “This could never work long term” excuse. This one is open-ended. Our families don’t get along. We have different beliefs. You annoy me. Really, this could be anything. We like the person for whatever reason but we don’t want to be with them for the rest of our lives and that’s okay. There will be many people we like for different reasons but that does not mean they are the right person for us. It’ll work with the right person no matter what obstacles may come your way.

What all of these have in common is the fact that they weren’t the wrong time; they were the wrong person for you if you were willing to let them go. Let’s call it what it is. Besides, would the right person really leave you? That doesn’t sound like the kind of right person I would want to be with anyway. And if I’m not willing to work through it or make it work, I deep down don’t think they are the right person either.

Maybe we just need to redefine the term “right person.” Sometimes a right person will come into our life only for a season. We grow, we learn but it doesn’t necessarily mean we are to spend the rest of our lives with this person. This term “wrong time” has such a negative connotation. Embrace the time you have with those at given times in your life. Some come for a lifetime, others for a season and that’s okay. These people can be the right person at the right time. They are a great person, cool person but not the right person (marriage), for us at least. So can we please stop lying to ourselves? Can we please stop using this as a cop out to avoid rejection or rejecting someone else. It’s not the wrong time- it’s just that we are don’t see this going anywhere further and that is nothing to feel bad about.

photo credit: pathlost via photopin cc

50 notes-to-self regarding relationships

Posted on November 11, 2014 by thevirginheartbreaker

While I have mixed feelings about checklists, these notes-to-self serve as reminders and guidelines to help me remember truths I have learned from past relationships.

Avoid any physical aspect for as long as possible in a relationship; this will ensure you really like them and not just those feelings.
Ask yourself if it’s him you like or just the idea of him.
Try your hardest to not default to guys you know like you to feed your ego during a break-up. Use this precious time to run to God.
Trust those gut feelings (Holy Spirit) and be brave enough to walk away when you know something doesn’t feel right.
Be strong enough to not make excuses; brave enough to acknowledge red flags.
If talking about God pulls you apart rather than bring you together, run!
Be with someone that truly values and appreciates your best qualities.
You shouldn’t have to talk yourself into it…
Respect and trust for him will either increase or decrease- watch for this and adjust appropriately.
Wait for someone who can love, support, respect, and challenge you and knows how to balance the four correctly.
Love is and always will be the most important thing. You’ll be able to recognize it; he’ll either have it or he won’t.
If he views it as a sacrifice, it isn’t love; love trumps all.
Be with someone who doesn’t give you the option to say no to something he knows you really want/desire.
It will be easy for him to give you attention in one-on-one settings; watch how he treats you when you in groups.
Be with someone who loves you as Crist love the church; after God, and because of God, you will be his #1.
Never be with someone who demeans, belittles, or judges you.
He must have a personal relationship with Christ.
He will never attempt to question your relationship with Christ or come between it.
Wait for someone who is humble. Genuinely humble, not just says he is. Always desiring to learn, grow, and be better than he was yesterday- together.
There is a difference between doing things out of love and out of obedience.
If I don’t feel loved, I’m probably not. Excuses do get old.
Be with someone who cares about my feelings, even if they aren’t always right.
Wait for someone who is proud of me and who I am proud of.
Be with someone who could live without me but will fight and do whatever he can to make sure he doesn’t have to.
Be with someone who enjoys being with me.
He will know what Ephesians 5 means.
He will understand that one of the greatest things he can do for his kids will be to love their mother/his wife.
Wait for someone who gets excited about God with me.
He will be someone I want to submit to.
Don’t rush the relationship. Wait. Watch. And enjoy. Time will tell.
Can I see him being my best friend?
Wait for someone that will encourage me to lead and teach and do what God is calling me to do.
Don’t be with someone who is legalistic but does have strong morals, values, and convictions.
The thing he will love most about me is my heart for Christ.
He will love me as much as I love him because we will both have Christ’s love.
He will fell like the luckiest guy in the world to have me and I will feel the same.
Wait for someone that will challenge me to be better but love me no matter what; love is unconditional.
Watch for someone who is proactive and offers to help and solve problems before you even realize you needed help.
Never judgmental but pushes you to grow in love.
Wait for the one that truly believes that you were worth the wait.
Don’t let anyone abuse you- physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually.
You will have fun with him no matter what you are doing.
He won’t have any unhealthy bromances.
Always step back and wait to see if you really like him or you are just emotionally attached; there should be definitive things you like about him.
In the beginning you will see actions; in time, you will see motives.
Time heals. God heals. Sometimes you’ll have to wait for God to mend your heart. Sometimes you’ll have to wait for your feelings to catch up with what you already know deep down.
Wait for someone who initiates and sacrifices.
A real man will use his power to love.
He will value godly things above worldly accomplishments; he will understand God’s heart.
I won’t have any doubts and I’ll just know.

-the virgin heartbreaker

photo credit: Nina Matthews Photography via photopin cc

6 signs you don’t like him as much as you think you do

Posted on November 1, 2014 by thevirginheartbreaker

So have you ever looked back at a previous relationship and realized you never really liked him as much as you thought? I think for us girls, we tend to like the idea of a guy more than the guy himself. At first, they seem so great so we embrace the relationship but time always tells; don’t get so caught up that you turn a blind eye to definite red flags. Hindsight is 20/20 but here are some clues I should have given a little more weight to in the beginning in order to avoid the heartbreak later.

1) You will tell people some of the bad stuff, but not all of it

I am notorious for this. There is a lot of good in the beginning and you are so infatuated that you don’t want to come off of that high. We tell people all of the wonderful sweet things he does like sending random texts to let us know how he is thinking about us, remembering something we liked at the mall and going back a day later to get it and surprise us with it, or something that showed us how kind and thoughtful he is. The problem with this is in the beginning we only see actions; after time we start to see the motives that are behind them. But we hold onto those actions when clues and red flags start to become visible. And we know it’s wrong which is why we can’t bring ourselves to tell others. Doesn’t the good outweigh the bad? Time will tell but it is imperative to find people that you can tell everything to and who will give an honest, objective opinion if you want to end up in a healthy, loving relationship- even if there are things you don’t necessarily want to hear.

2) You make excuses for him or try to justify his behavior

So those things that you are holding back from telling people about- you know exactly why they are doing them. And you don’t dare to tell anyone about them because they won’t understand like you do. Gag me. We are so dumb sometimes. “He had to deal with a lot in his childhood so it’s really tough for him to show how much he cares,” “he was made fun of a lot while growing up so it’s just that he is insecure.” We should win freakin awards for how creative we become at analyzing and coming up with the reasons our guys do things we know they shouldn’t. You should never have to make excuses for your guy; this will get old fast. We all have things we are working on and need to overcome. Unless your guy admits what he is working on and growing and improving, those traits are probably not going anywhere. Watch him objectively and be open to the truth. It is one thing to be understanding and seek to know your boyfriend’s perspective versus being taken advantage of and abused.

3) You aren’t free to truly be yourself around him

I am a pretty free-spirited girl. I rarely care what people think, seek to make a difference in the world, and try to enjoy life to the fullest. I am very silly by nature and love to laugh and make others laugh. I’m a dreamer and an achiever. Few things excite me more than thinking about all God has planned for my life. Because of these aspects of myself, some people have told me I am intimidating. Well unfortunately I have dated some guys that have seemed to squash the joy right out of me. I’ve felt judged so I held back. I’ve had guys ask why rather than why not. Your guy should bring out the best in you, not the worst. Never get so caught up in a relationship that you lose who you are.

4) You don’t feel that he really loves you

I believe that the most beautiful girl is one that knows how much she is loved. While I still think this happens best when you know how much God loves you, being loved by your man definitely influences your life. Christ commanded husbands to love their wives like Christ loved the church in Ephesians 5. This is not just a simple “I love you, babe.” It’s hard to write a how-to on that because love is something you either have or you don’t. Women who are loved are free to be themselves; women who aren’t start changing their behavior because they are seeking that love. It’s awful and heartbreaking to watch or go through. You start to hate him for not loving you and you start to hate who you’ve become as a result.

5) You doubt their relationship with Christ

This one is crucial. If you end up getting married, you will become one with him. Knowing they have a solid relationship with Christ is imperative, as he will be leading your home. This shouldn’t scare you because if he really knows Christ, he will also understand the importance of loving his wife. This will be comforting and not scary as you will grow in your love, trust, and respect for him. But if you don’t trust their relationship with Christ, you could be putting yourself if a very dangerous situation. Many people say they are Christians and play church very well. But watch their actions and watch for their personal relationship with Christ. “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:35

6) The thought of marrying him scares you more than the thought of breaking up with him

This one is the toughest to come to terms with but really shows where your heart is and what you know down deep. No one likes breaking up. But the harsh reality is every relationship you enter into either ends in a break-up or a marriage. Really puts things into perspective doesn’t it? Few things are worse than being stuck in a marriage with someone simply because you were lonely and just liked having someone there. Wait for the one you can’t imagine living without; the one you are willing to say no to every other guy for. Sometimes we get scared that we won’t find someone better but that should never be a reason to be with someone. God has the best for you. Don’t settle. You will know when you find him.